NFL Power Rankings: Final Regular Season - Top 10
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Seattle Seahawks (12-4) - Previously: #1 - I'm glad I moved the Seahawks up last week. Not that they looked overly impressive against the Rams, but at least they didn't crap the bed against Kyle Orton in one half of action.
Seattle, at any rate, has obtained homefield advantage. In other news, the rest of the NFC just s*** itself.
New England Patriots (12-4) - Previously: #2 - I understand that Rob Gronkowski and Julian Edelman didn't play, but Tom Brady looked completely incompetent against a Buffalo defense also missing personnel (Marcell Dareus, Stephon Gilmore). The offensive line couldn't protect Brady at all, which could spell trouble in the playoffs.
I love how Orton just rode off into the sunset the day after winning in New England. It's like John Elway, except Orton's Super Bowl was a meaningless Week 17 game against a team missing a third of its starters.
Green Bay Packers (12-4) - Previously: #3 - So, I'm guessing Ndamukong Suh won't be appearing in any State Farm commercials anytime soon?
Fortunately, Aaron Rodgers is OK. It looked bad when he was carted off. Some guy on Rodgers' cart was even crying in anticipation of a serious injury:
Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5) - Previously: #4 - The good news for the Steelers is that they won the division and now can host the No. 6 seed in the first round of the playoffs. The bad news is that Le'Veon Bell could barely walk at the practice facility on Monday. If he can't play, that really levels the playing field against the Ravens, who will have Haloti Ngata back in the lineup.
Dallas Cowboys (12-4) - Previously: #5 - Jerry Jones was a BIT too excited following Dallas' victory over the Redskins. Here's a picture someone was able to take of him:
Denver Broncos (12-4) - Previously: #6 - Peyton Manning looked like crap, even against the Raiders. And now, here come the playoffs...
At least Manning still has his glorious commercials! Here's a look at his new one, which hasn't aired yet:
Indianapolis Colts (11-5) - Previously: #7 - A meaningless win over the Titans. Let's see if it gives the Colts any momentum.
Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
week 17 big game on the line even tho it doesnt mean nething for play off seating lol!!!
who the hell is even on the titans i dont even know. is vince young still the qb!?!??!
suck a turd @VinceYoung you piece of crap your gonna loose today!
"@VinceYoung I'm not on the team anymore" thats cuz your a pusey
colts all ready winning 7-0 yawn boring zzzz
this game is boring im gonna turn on something else
amc has a breaking bad marethon!!! i love breaking bad acept walter whites son is a homo
FFFFUKKCC WALTER WHITE SON ALL HE DOES IS EAT BREAK FAST AND TALK WITH A SLUR HES A HOMO!!!
Walter White is cool tho he was my insparation for selling drugs and paying hookers!!!!
"@nflcommish Please delete that tweet" OR WHAT WHAT R U GONNA DO TO ME ITS THE END OF THE SEASON YOU TURD
"@nflcommish I can... uhh... suspend you for six more games" GOOD THESE GAMES R BORING AND I CAN WATCH MORE TV
LETS SEE WHAT ELSE IS ON LOL LOOK GIRL MEATS WORLD ON DISNEY CHANNEL
hahahahahahahahahahaha farkle is funny hahahahahahahahaha
OK LETS GO BACK TO THE GAME OH NO REGGIE WAYNES IS HURT GET UP REGGIE YOUR THE BEST WR OF ALL TIME
Reggie Wayne is hurt #IQuit #FML #LifeSucks #WalterWhitesSonsAHomo #TeamFarkle
Cincinnati Bengals (10-5-1) - Previously: #8 - A.J. Green and Jermaine Gresham going down is a big problem for Andy Dalton, who continues to throw mostly checkdowns and errant passes that are either intercepted or nearly picked off. Now, Cincinnati goes back to Indianapolis, where it was absolutely obliterated earlier in the season. Things are so against the Bengals that they almost have to shock everyone and win, right?
Detroit Lions (11-5) - Previously: #9 - The Lions may not be able to beat any good opponents, but they can at least beat up good opponents. Seriously, is Detroit the scariest team to face in Round 1? Sure, you'll probably be able to defeat them, but you'll lose two or three key players to cheap shots in the process.
Baltimore Ravens (10-6) - Previously: #10 - Joe Flacco was terrible through three quarters, but he was somehow able to turn things around in the final period. What changed? Hmm...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been 17 weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask, and time is running out. Fortunately, I locate my magic flask; Joe Flacco inhaled the entire thing, which is why he was so terrible at Houston last week.
Steve Smith: Derek, what do we do about Joe? We need to save him before it's too late! It's the end of the third quarter of the finale, and we're losing to the stinking Browns!
Steve Smith: You reek of alcohol, Joe! How could you inhale an entire magic flask?
Joe Flacco: WHAHAATT ISISSS AA AFFLLLASSKK OOHHH THEEE MTTEETTALL THTINNGNG II PIITT INNN MYYMMOUUUTTHHH hic!?
Steve Smith: We're going to lose to the Browns! Save him, Derek!
Derek Anderson: I got this. I've studied many choking techniques by watching film of Peyton Manning, so I can get it out of him. Joe, look at me! No, I'm not the sun. Look at me, the person talking to you! There you go! Now, pretend you're Peyton Manning. And no, you're not trying to sell one of your countless products; you're in a playoff game, and you're battling an inferior opponent. You're expected to win, so the pressure's getting to you. It's the fourth quarter, and everyone is shocked that the game is tied at 17. Everyone is wondering why you haven't scored enough. You take the snap, throw back to pass, and you tense up as you release the ball but didn't read the coverage correctly...
Joe Flacco: BLLELEEEGGGHHHHHH!
Steve Smith: He puked out the magic flask!
Joe Flacco: Wow, I'm sober again. Hey Steve, what's say you, Torrey and I destroy the Browns in the fourth quarter?
Steve Smith: You got it, dude!
Joe Flacco: Thank you, Derek. However can I repay you?
Let's play "Why is Team X Not in the Top 10 Rabble Rabble Rabble!"
Arizona Cardinals: As I said, the Cardinals would fade into oblivion following the Carson Palmer injury. This team never belonged in the top 10 after Palmer went down. Allowing 600 net yards to the Seahawks was a disgrace. Ryan Lindley looked better at San Francisco, but as someone who bet on Arizona, I was terrified every single time he dropped back to pass.
Carolina Panthers: The other non-top-10 team that made the playoffs, the Panthers have made great strides lately and have been able to climb in the 11-22 range, as you can see below.
NFL Power Rankings: Final Regular Season - Bottom 10
32. Tennessee Titans (2-14) - Previously: #32 - The Titans couldn't even beat Indianapolis' backups. Wow. Can we retroactively erase both of Tennessee's prior victories for that? The Titans deserve to go 0-16 after that display.
Speaking of those wins, isn't it crazy that the Titans upset the Chiefs back in Week 1? That single-handedly threw off so many bettors. Tennessee was even favored over Dallas in Week 2 - and I picked them! Derp dee derp.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-14) - Previously: #31 - I enjoyed the following exchange that Greg Auman (Tampa Bay Times) and Luke Easterling (Draft Report) had with one bozo on Twitter regarding the Buccaneers' quarterbacking situation:
Twitter Bozo: what about @patriots backup qb for the @TBBuccaneers first round pick next year?
Greg Auman: You'd give up a top-five pick for Jimmy Garoppolo? He was 62nd pick last year. Not sure that's best use of Bucs' resources ...
Greg Auman: When Picard saw the pick Bucs were giving up in that tweet, he said "No. 1?"
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13) - Previously: #30 - I thought Charlie made a great point in the NFL Game Recaps when he wrote, "Despite a lot of positive press about Bortles and the Jaguars' regime, the jury is clearly still out on whether the organization is actually headed in the right direction."
The Jaguars have received a crazy amount of positive feedback for their season, with the talking heads all agreeing that Gus Bradley is doing a good job because he's getting the team to play hard. That's great and all, but the Jaguars were also playing hard at the end of the 2013 season, yet there hasn't been any sort of tangible improvement.
29. Oakland Raiders (3-13) - Previously: #29 - Many thought the Raiders might win just one game this year. No one thought the Raiders would score just one point in a game this year:
Oh, Raiders, you so funny.
28. Washington Redskins (4-12) - Previously: #28 - I have to say that I loved Kirk Cousins' demands on Black Monday:
"Kirk Cousins says that if Redskins name RG3 starting QB he would like to be traded." - Dianna Marie Russini, NBC Sports
Uhh... OK, lol.
27. Chicago Bears (5-10) - Previously: #27 - Bears: Good luck finding anyone willing to work with this guy:
26. New York Jets (4-12) - Previously: #26 - Check out the Black Friday Firing Grades, including the awful grade the Jets received for getting rid of Rex Ryan.
Speaking of coaches, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: I haven't recycled an Andy Reid meme yet, and I apologize for doing it this once, but this one seems especially appropriate after Jamaal Charles was inexplicably given just nine carries against the Steelers:
This week: Reid once again limited Jamaal Charles on the ground. He was asked about it, and here's what he said:
25. New Orleans Saints (7-9) - Previously: #25 - Does anyone else think the Saints should've lost to the Buccaneers on purpose? Not only would it have improved their draft position, but by giving Tampa a third win, they could've prevented Marcus Mariota from entering their division. Instead, the Buccaneers would've been forced to draft Jameis Winston, who is going to single-handedly put Mons Venus' owners' kids through college if he plays in Tampa.
I've talked about Pyrrhic victories all year, but this one might have been the most Pyrrhic of them all.
24. Cleveland Browns (7-9) - Previously: #24 - Several Cleveland players reportedly missed treatments/walkthroughs on Saturday because of Johnny Manziel's party. What exactly happened at this crazy party? I interviewed Manziel, Josh Gordon and Justin Gilbert to find out. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Johnny, Josh and Justin! Thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Manziel: No problem, Walt! You've made fun of me a bunch over the past few weeks, but I did cost you lots of money with some awful quarterbacking.
Me: It's all good. So, what happened at this crazy party? Anyone want to give me the scoop?
Manziel: It was such a good time. I can't say though. Whatever happens in Manziel's casa stays in Manziel's casa.
Gilbert: THERE WAS A PINATA AND A CLOWN AND PIZZA AND CAKE AND SKEEBALL AND PINATA AND CAKE CHOCOLATE CAKE AND PEPPERONI PIZZA AND A CLOWN NOT A SCARY CLOWN BUT A FUNNY CLOWN AND A PINATA!
Manziel: Justin! You promised you wouldn't tell!
Gilbert: I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY JUST STILL SO EXCITED ABOUT THE CLOWN AND THE PINATA AND THE PEPPERONI PIZZA OMG OMG OMG HAHAHAHA!!!
Me: Wow, sounds like a blast. I'm confused though - why were you all late or absent from your team events on Saturday?
Manziel: Uhh... did you not hear that we had a pinata and pepperoni pizza?
Gordon: That's not 100-percent accurate. Sure, the pinata and the pepperoni pizza and the clown kept us up, but we were so late because of the girls.
Me: Oh cool, lots of hot chicks?
Gordon: Hot chicks!? Ha! The only girls there were Manziel's two cousins. One is fat, while the other has 11 fingers.
Me: Then why did the girls keep you up all night?
Gordon: Because they took forever to hit the pinata. Girls suck at sports, and they suck at hitting pinatas - especially Johnny's cousins!
Manziel: Not cool, bro. Not cool. Don't make fun of my cousins, especially the one with the 11 fingers!
Gordon: But she sucks, Johnny! Stop inviting her to our cool parties!
Manziel: That's it! I'm not invite you to any more of my cool parties! And just to let you know, my next bash was going to have horseback riding!
Gordon: NO NOT HORSEBACK RIDING! JOHNNY, PLEASE INVITE ME!
23. Atlanta Falcons (6-10) - Previously: #23 - Adios, Mike Brown. Next time, run out the clock at the end of the game instead of giving your opponent time to come back.
Here are a few hate mails from the comment board below, as well as my responses to them:
"He's going to have a train wreck of a performance in the playoffs once the Bengals bump into a team that can stop the run."
Prior to last night's track meet, the Broncos were the NFL's #2 overall defense in YPC.
Bengals are 5-0 vs top-10 rush defenses (in terms of YPC)
But hey, whatever you say.
So you ignore the fact that the Broncos were missing their top interior linebackers? That's cool.
The Lions are 11-4, not 10-5. You are welcome oh lazy one!
I guess I'm as lazy as the Lions because they deserved to lose to the Bears.
Couldn't help but seeing how you don't respond when your autistic logic gets completely blown the @#$@ out Walter.
But this Web site was built on autistic logic.
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6). Previously: #12
12. Carolina Panthers (7-8-1). Previously: #21
13. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7). Previously: #13
14. Arizona Cardinals (11-5). Previously: #14
15. San Diego Chargers (9-7). Previously: #10
16. Minnesota Vikings (7-9). Previously: #16
17. San Francisco 49ers (8-8). Previously: #18
18. Buffalo Bills (9-7). Previously: #17
19. New York Giants (6-10). Previously: #19
20. Houston Texans (9-7). Previously: #22
21. St. Louis Rams (6-10). Previously: #20
22. Miami Dolphins (8-8). Previously: #15
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: