So what if Zeke is a rookie? And they didn't draft him #4 overall, given that he's a prototype 3-down back, to have him in a timeshare with Morris or McFadden. Behind that line, coupled with his skills as a runner, receiver, and pass blocker, there's no way he should fall past the first round.
Green Bay Packers (13-0) - Previously: #1 - The Packers are going 19-0, and the blond chick in the State Farm Discount Double-Check commercial is really hot. That is all.
Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) - Previously: #3 - The Steelers move ahead of the Patriots because New England might have the worst pass defense of all time. Then again, if Colt McCoy hadn't suffered that concussion, the Browns may have beaten Pittsburgh. There's just no clear-cut No. 2 right now.
Speaking of McCoy, why was he allowed to reenter the game? I sat down with head coach Pat Shurmur for an interview to find out what happened:
Me: Hey Pat, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Pat Shurmur: No problem, Walt.
Me: Let's not beat around the bush. Why was Colt McCoy allowed to reenter the game with a concussion?
Pat Shurmur: I felt like Colt was being a chicken wuss. I told him to man up.
Me: But that's dangerous. He could have suffered long-term brain damage if he got hit like that again.
Pat Shurmur: This is football, Walt. It's football. There's no room for chicken wusses.
Me: Well, I guess we'll have to agree to dis... ouch, f***, I just sliced my arm on the chair. It's gushing blood. Call 911!
Pat Shurmur: Man up, Walt. Man up. You're being a chicken wuss.
Me: Ah man, I'm getting light-headed. I really need to go to the hospital.
Pat Shurmur: This is a football interview, Walt. It's a football interview. Stop being a chicken wuss, and man up!
Me: Ohhhh maaann, I'm... I can't stand, and... ouch! I just hit my head on the floor. I... uhh... wait... who are you? What am I doing here?
Pat Shurmur: Not another chicken wuss with a concussion! Man the f*** up!
Me: I am Bat Man.
Pat Shurmur: That's the spirit. Man the f*** up, stop being a chicken wuss and finish the f***ing interview!
New England Patriots (10-3) - Previously: #2 - How did Bill Belichick allow his defense to get so bad against the pass? Was it laziness? Misevaluation of talent? Facebook friend Steven L. has a theory after hearing a quote from a CBS announcer:
"Julian Edelman is another one of these Belichick guys who goes both ways."
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
There's your answer. Belichick spends too much time in those seedy bath houses with guys who go both ways.
New Orleans Saints (10-3) - Previously: #4 - Saints fans, be prepared for your team to draft Landry Jones or Ryan Tannehill in the 2012 NFL Draft. Think that's stupid? Well, think again:
Hey, if it's said on GameCenter, it must be true.
Baltimore Ravens (10-3) - Previously: #5 - No one should be surprised that the Colts scored a painful backdoor cover on the final play of the game. NFL.com predicted the game would be close:
I can't say I'm surprised anymore. There's no such thing as a "big edge" on NFL.com. Like if the Packers battled my local high school team, I'm convinced they'd only be a "slight edge" on NFL.com.
If Ravens over Colts is a slight edge, then the following graphic may apply:
Fifty hamburgers versus a bug. Slight edge!
San Francisco 49ers (10-3) - Previously: #6 - GameCenter poster Migelini, the dumbest person of all time, often calls Marshawn Lynch "marchel." And instead of saying that Lynch plays the running back position, Migelini insists that Marchel is the "runny guy."
Perhaps Aldon Smith should be the runny guy. Check out what Smith does after every sack now (thanks to VBSiena for this):
Funny. I must have looked like that Sunday night when I ran to the bathroom after eating a few hot dogs.
Hey, there's a reason I called the guys John Kreese Elway and Johnny Lawrence Fox. Tim Tebow san defeated Fox and Elway in the All-Valley Karate Tournament, so now they have to pretend like they've loved him all along. Don't be fooled. Elway is meeting with the owner of the Cobra Kai dojo as you're reading this.
New York Giants (7-6) - Previously: #8 - You want to see the worst fantasy football luck ever? This occurred a couple of weeks ago, and Facebook friend Jonathan C. sent over a picture of this tragedy:
If you're not following, the guy had the fantasy matchup won prior to the Giants' Monday night game at New Orleans, but lost because New York's defense put up negative points. I'm actually shocked this fantasy owner didn't slit his wrists.
Houston Texans (10-3) - Previously: #10 - I was thrilled to watch T.J. Yates defeat the Bengals in the final seconds because I had three units on Houston. Matvei, who runs the Sharps Picks section was also sweating it out. He sent me this text after the touchdown:
That Texans cover just took five years off my life. This Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest fee should come with a year's supply of codeine.
Detroit Lions (8-5) - Previously: #12 - I didn't know whom to rank No. 10. It was close between the Lions, Falcons and Jets, but I feel like Detroit has the most potential once it gets everyone back from injury.
Anyway, let's go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter - a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com's GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
1. "their schedule outside of their 6 divisional games is on cakewalk."
I wish I could be on a cakewalk. Sounds tasty NOM NOM NOM NOM.
2. "e on Cincinnati let's put some points up this game ain't over just yer"
How did this person misspell "yet" but get "Cincinnati" correct? And what's with the random "e" at the beginning of the sentence? It's like he didn't know where to put it.
3. "hvyhair is so stuburn and u cant call me stubburn bc my arguments actually make since"
This guy has been making since on GameCenter sense 2008.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 14 - Bottom 10
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-13) - Previously: #32 - Famous GameCenter user Taton is still banned. Without being able to post on GameCenter, Taton has turned to a life of gambling, drugs and drinking. Here are the posts Taton would have made on GameCenter if he were still a member:
After the Ravens went up 17-0:
- Dane orkovsky is sux! Cristis Prainter is sux! Karry Collin is sux! Bye bye coch cadwell fire now!!!!!!!
When the Colts kicked a field goal:
- i make bett on Colt cover 17 point!!!! Feld goal 3 point!!!!! Keep score in 17 point!!!!!!
When the Ravens made the score 24-3:
- No more cover 17 point!!!! Bye bye no more hope for cover!!!! Jim Israe and coach cadwell can shoved penas inside each other moth in lockar room!!!!!
When the Colts stalled inside the Baltimore 10 in the middle of the fourth quarter:
- orvkosy compelte in score!!!!! Colt cover 17 pint!!!!!! Taton win lot of money more moeny than Coad Cadlwel will make next yaer!!!!!!!!!!
31. St. Louis Rams (2-11) - Previously: #31 - Here's a recap of the Seahawks-Rams game:
1. Feed the Beast! There were hundreds of those signs in the stands, held by fans who were cheering on Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch. He did not disappoint, as he broke his usual tackles with unbelievably tough runs. Lynch gained 115 yards and a touchdown on 23 carries.
Lynch's score came at the very end. As he stood in the end zone, fans showered him with Skittles. It was so bizarre. The camera then panned to a hot blond chick holding a "Feed the Beast" sign yelling, "Marshawn, I love you!"
2. The big story going into this game was Sam Bradford's availability. It didn't seem like he would be able to go early in the week, meaning Tom Brandstater would get the nod. But Bradford improved enough over the weekend to start.
I thought this was a huge mistake. It was evident that Bradford wasn't healthy. He looked gimpy in warmups. Why play him and risk further injury in a meaningless game? You have to wonder if Steve Spagnuolo wouldn't have been more cautious if his job wasn't on the line.
Bradford was terrible. He went 12-of-29 for 193 yards and one interception, though he could have easily been picked off three more times. He had trouble throwing off his back foot, and his accuracy was obviously affected. Spagnuolo's decision to use Bradford in this contest was completely irresponsible.
3. Bradford will improve next year by default, but he won't be much better if Josh McDaniels leaves. It's looking like McDaniels may be a head coach somewhere else in 2012. Still though, Bradford will really benefit from getting healthier and practicing more with Brandon Lloyd. Bradford and Lloyd (5-82) looked more comfortable with each other in this contest.
4. Steven Jackson had a really big game. He rushed for 63 yards and a touchdown on 20 attempts to go along with three receptions for 60 receiving yards. Jackson's big gain was a 50-yard screen that for some reason caught Seattle unawares on a third-and-long.
Jackson's other highlight was the touchdown; the Rams failed from goal-to-go at the 1-yard line five consecutive times. The coaching staff inexplicably neglected to call a play for Jackson on those five attempts. He yelled angrily at the sideline, and was finally given a carry. He predictably punched it into the end zone.
5. The Seahawks won by 17, but this could have been a much bigger blowout. I mentioned Bradford's three dropped picks already; also factored in was a fumbled exchange between Tarvaris "Tarvis" Jackson (21-34, 224 yards, TD) and "Marchel" Lynch in the red zone. Kicker Steven Hauschka also missed a chip-shot field goal in the third quarter.
6. One more thing about Lynch: He attempted two passes in this contest on a pair of trick plays, both of which fell way incomplete. I thought this was the dumbest thing ever. I'll never understand why a team with superior talent would ever use gadget plays like this. You don't need to trick your opponent if you're better than them.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9) - Previously: #27 - For those who didn't see it, forum member/jerk MDude created a thread on the forum to berate me for picking the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl back in August (even though I changed my Super Bowl pick to the Saints). Here's the exchange:
We tried to save you from looking like a fool before the season started. The Bucs were clearly an inferior team last year that took advantage of a tissue-paper schedule.
And yet you insisted on making them your NFC Super Bowl representative, claiming that they were a "team on the rise". How's that looking now?
Maybe I can start a footabll "analysis" website and make outrageous claims every year to placate people like you that clearly value shock factor more than accuracy and intelligence, right?
Not sure why I'm entertaining your childish post (smh at you), but I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl right before the season:
*** In case you couldn't figure it out, I'm the DUMA$$ who picked the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl. I've been pretty accurate with my past few Super Bowl predictions, and I was confident with my Tampa projection - until I saw Josh Freeman this preseason. Freeman's decision-making has just been really bad. If this continues, he's going to throw way more than six interceptions this year.
I'd like to change my Super Bowl pick, if I may. Since this is my Web site, I sure as hell may.
My new NFC representative in this year's projected Super Bowl is New Orleans. Unlike last year, Drew Brees is healthy. And speaking of health, the Saints usually suffer lots of injuries because Sean Payton runs the team into the ground in practice. He won't be able to do that per the new CBA rules. ***
But the Bucs did look good when they were 3-1, but then they lost their best defensive player and so... if you told me the Bucs would be without Gerald McCoy for 12 games, I wouldn't have had them in the playoffs.
Oh, and considering you can't spell "footabll" or "website" correctly, I can't imagine you'll have too many readers, but you're welcome to promote your football Web site in this forum.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) - Previously: #30 - Vince G. sent over a very weird quote regarding the Jack Del Rio firing:
"Reports out of Jacksonville say Del Rio has been lackadaisical the past couple of weeks."
"Past couple of weeks?" How about past couple of years? Owner Wayne Weaver told the media that he wished Del Rio had a better work ethic following the 2009 season. This was my basis for modeling Del Rio after Fast Times at Ridgemont High character Jeff Spicoli in a fake interview I posted two years ago:
ME: Hey Jack, thanks for joining me.
DEL RIO: Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!
ME: I know. That's the only way I could lure you into doing an interview with me.
DEL RIO: You dick!
ME: This will only take five minutes, I swear.
DEL RIO: You're totally ruining my sun-tanning and surfing time right now, bro.
ME: Sorry. Jack, can you explain what happened between the Eagles and Colts games? It looked like your team didn't try in the Philly game, but saved all of its energy for Indy. Why did this happen?
DEL RIO: Dude, there were some totally tubular waves going on last week. There were some good ones this week too, but I hate the Colts because they're dicks.
ME: Why do you hate the Colts outside of the fact that they're in your division?
DEL RIO: I was on the beach one time, and some Colts guys kicked some sand in my face when I was sun tanning. It was totally uncool, dude.
ME: So all you need for someone to motivate you is to kick sand in your face?
DEL RIO: Yeah, bra. All I need otherwise are some tasty waves, a cool buds, and I'm fine.
ME: So, what sort of game plan do you have in store for the Bills? What do you need to do to stop C.J. Spiller, assuming he even gets the ball?
DEL RIO: I know that dude.
ME: I would hope so. But what are you going to do to stop him?
DEL RIO: That's way too far into the future, man. I'm goin' back down to the beach to catch some killer waves.
It's still amazes me that this bum wasn't fired after the 2009 season.
28. Cleveland Browns (4-9) - Previously: #29 - Jon S. epitomized the state of the Browns best in this brief e-mail he sent to me following the Thursday night loss:
Thank God for McCoy and his interception. This could have been ugly. Five wins... that would be terrible. With only four wins we can get a real QB.
27. Minnesota Vikings (2-11) - Previously: #28 - I loved Jared Allen's quote about the city of Detroit:
"If I had to live in Detroit, I'd drown myself in the river."
Awesome. Allen, who is on pace to break Michael Strahan's single-season sack record, clarified his comment afterward:
"I wasn't trying to be mean."
Oh, OK. And here I thought Allen was being a jerk. Glad he cleared that up.
By the way, I think the "I wasn't trying to be mean" could work elsewhere. I'm almost tempted to walk up to a really fat chick and say, "You look like a f***ing beached whale, you f***ing obese sloth. I'm not trying to be mean though!"
I'd do that, but I don't want to be eaten.
26. Kansas City Chiefs (5-8) - Previously: #26 - Todd Haley has been fired. About damn time. He's was an egomaniac and a failure as a head coach. Oh, and he was a complete weirdo too. Let me post CrazyCarl's animated picture again to remind you:
25. Washington Redskins (4-9) - Previously: #25 - The Redskins put forth good effort against the Patriots, so I won't make fun of them.
Instead, here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter. Forum member SwAg Dynasty spent the entire Steelers-Browns game scouring the GameCenter board for dumb comments. Here are three:
1. "YA1 my boy mednehall w/ the grub"
Not that there's anything wrong with talking about Rashard Mendenhall's grub.
2. "colts mccoy r gay "
Colt McCoy apparently is so gay that he's gay plurally.
3. "josh cribs touches like senduskie"
Joe Paterno should be fired for not going to the police about Josh Cribs!
24. Buffalo Bills (5-8) - Previously: #23 - Ryan Fitzpatrick was good enough to receive a big contract back in October. Now, he sucks. What happened?
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Ryan Fitzpatrick: I went to Harvard and I am very smart. You there, ask me any question on any subject!
Derek Anderson: Heyyyyzzz iffff yewww wannnaerr be smarrrerr havvve a sssipp offff thissssss hic!
Ryan Fitzpatrick: I am already a genius, but I suppose this can't hurt!
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Woooaazz wuuttss onnee plusss tewww liiekk ffiiivee whooooaaa!!!
Derek Anderson - the worst thing to ever happen to the Ivy League.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (5-8) - Previously: #24 - Did you know that the Eagles, despite being 5-8 right now, could be in control of their own playoff destiny by Dec. 24 if the following four things happen?
- Cowboys lose to the Buccaneers on Saturday night.
- Giants lose to the Redskins on Sunday.
- Eagles beat the Jets on Sunday.
- Giants lose to the Jets next week.
I'm going to have the urge to claw my eyes out if this terrible Eagle team makes the playoffs. But it is possible if Andy Reid puts his players in the best position and takes full responsibility.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. New York Jets (8-5). Previously: #13
12. Atlanta Falcons (8-5). Previously: #14
13. Dallas Cowboys (7-6). Previously: #11
14. Cincinnati Bengals (7-6). Previously: #15
15. Oakland Raiders (7-6). Previously: #9
16. San Diego Chargers (6-7). Previously: #23
17. Tennessee Titans (7-6). Previously: #17
18. Seattle Seahawks (6-7). Previously: #18
19. Arizona Cardinals (6-7). Previously: #19
20. Miami Dolphins (4-9). Previously: #16
21. Chicago Bears (7-6). Previously: #20
22. Carolina Panthers (4-9). Previously: #21
Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: