Green Bay Packers (12-0) - Previously: #1 - No Packer commentary from me because I'm pissed that Aaron Rodgers didn't cover the spread at the Meadowlands.
Here's some commentary from a crazed lunatic on an ESPN message board, provided by Facebook friend Danny S. Warning: Reading this may cause a seizure or brain hemmorhage:
Dammit!!!!! The nfl is starting to suck. No one mentioned what the Packer's lineman was doing, pushing Suh backwards when he weighs that much being on his knees getting pushed backwards. Suh had every right to do what he did. Get a clue, if Suh would've gotten his back broken, it would be a whole different story. It was a miracle that good ol' god didnt let that happen so Suh could seek redemption. Breaking backs are a serious issue I dont care if its football or at my own job. Hello!!!! re re's. You damn news people suck. Just cause you are over 18 years old you think you have the right to make adult decisions. And then you commentators come in and don't seem to even understand the truth. FAKE, the bible, santa, easter bunny, satan, and United States keep going about things the wrong way. Don't lie to my children or gods(whoever the f that is..$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ hungry,,, yap yap yap about fake crap. Tell what really is going on. I am a professional whistle blower. I have no girlfriend, no college, dads dead, I aint scared to speak my mind any time any where...... I was raised around 25 horses, lots of good dogs, and a true father that all he did was help others out. Workin way harder than any of you ever well you cash hoes.
P.s. dont care what his name is but the dude that did post show, u know with Deion, Mariucci, Irvin there after the seahawk and eagle game. Hear me out. Its guys like that that dont talk correctly. Deion and Irvin did excellent job controlling there emotions on explaining to a handicap about football.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... this guy blows whistles for a living? Like he gets paid for blowing whistles? How can I get involved in this?
New England Patriots (9-3) - Previously: #2 - I can't believe the Patriots didn't cover the 20 last week. They were up 31-3, and the Colts were showing no signs of life. Why didn't you run up the score like you usually do, Belichick!?
If you think I'm pissed, here's a text I received from Matvei, who runs the Sharps Picks section, when the Colts were driving for their backdoor cover:
If the Colts get this garbage cover you may have to be an expert witness for the insanity plea at my murder trial.
Indianapolis literally scored 20 seconds after he sent this. My condolences to the family of the victim Matvei killed Sunday night.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) - Previously: #3 - If you have Red Zone, you may have caught a fantasy football segment they do on that channel at about 12:55 Sunday afternoons. A bunch of guys, two of whom are Dave Dameshek and Michael Fabiano, give their bold predicitons each week.
Anyway, there's this guy on there with cool hair and a flavor saver, who said this for his bold prediction of the day: "Andy Dalton will struggle. He'll throw for only 228 yards, one touchdown and an interception."
Dalton did struggle, but those numbers aren't indicative of a bold production. If you go low on a player, go low. This dude should have said, "Dalton will have 55 yards, four interceptions and two fumbles. His girlfriend will break up with him at halftime, and he'll have diarrhea in his pants at the end of the third quarter."
Now that's a bold predicition.
New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Previously: #4 - Saints fans are smart, so I was shocked to see the following post on GameCenter:
Realism...The Saints will stomp the Shu-less Lions....Fact...The Saints have not lost this year at home. Who Dat!
Considering all of the dumb penalties the Lions were guilty of, Ndamukong Shu wouldn't have made much of a difference.
Baltimore Ravens (9-3) - Previously: #5 - I have nothing interesting to say about Baltimore's win over crappy Cleveland - aside from the fact that they finally beat a bad team on the road - so here's an e-mail I received from Chris R. regarding a former Raven quarterback:
Trent Dilfer believes Kirk Cousins is the top quarterback after Andrew Luck in the 2012 NFL Draft. It's gotten lightyears beyond the point where most casual fans suspect Dilfer of saying stupid stuff on the air.
ESPN's security needs to keep Dilfer from commenting on draft picks this year. You actually have to wonder if Bomberman and friends are living inside Dilfer's brain firing bombs at Dilfer's brain cells until the former Super Bowl winner becomes mentally retarded. I rarely use the R-word because its beyond unprofessional and just plain uncalled for. Dilfer's stupidity on a constant basis has forced my hand, Walt. Can you really blame me for my comments?
At least Dilfer has an excuse for saying stupid things. I'll have some thoughts on dumber ESPN analysts later.
San Francisco 49ers (10-2) - Previously: #6 - I don't think the Rams would have scored against the 49ers if they had 40 quarters, so let's go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter - a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com's GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
1. "if jets get right for this game they should win, but if skins play hard ,and the jets don't come right , by!"
What a jerk - he said goodbye right in the middle of his prediction.
2. "Lot's of football left lot's of football"
Ah, "lot's," the contraction for "lot is." Lot is of football left lot is of football. Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
3. "both teams playing hard cowboys 27, dolp 21,maybe 24 but dallas wins no matter what. if both dont come to play cowboys 21, dolp 10"
The Miami Dolp came up just a bit short!
Denver Broncos (7-5) - Previously: #13 - Great defense, great running game, clutch quarterback. Despite what certain ESPN clowns think, this is a very dangerous team.
Speaking of ESPN clowns, I sat down with Cris Carter for an interview to find out why he hates Tim Tebow's guts:
Me: Hey Cris, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Cris Carter: Heya big guy!
Me: Big? I'm not THAT big. So, Cris, I need to understand why you hate Tim Tebow.
Cris Carter: Tim Tebow's can't throw the football. Tim Tebow's no Cal Orton.
Me: Cal Orton? But didn't you watch Tebow against the Vikings? What about his 300-yard passing performance last year?
Cris Carter: Cal Orton's a better quarterback than Tim Tebow because Cal Orton can throw the football, and Tim Tebow can't throw the football.
Me: You just said that. Why are you ignoring the Viking game?
Cris Carter: Because the Broncos can't go to the playoffs with Tim Tebow. If they had Cal Orton, it'd be a different story because Cal Orton can throw the football. Tim Tebow can't throw the football.
Me: Ugh. I feel like I'm talking to a broken record.
Cris Carter: I once broke my neighbor's record player, hee hee hee honk honk!
Cris Carter: Say, do you have some cheeeese?
Me: Cheese? Yeah, I think I have a few slices in my fridge. Hey, wait... no, don't do that! No, you're breaking the fridge!
*** Cris Carter breaks my fridge ***
Cris Carter: Did IIIIIIIII doooooo thaaaaaat?
*** Fake studio audience laughter ***
New York Giants (6-6) - Previously: #9 - I kind of get the feeling that the Giants' close loss to the Packers could propel them to a strong run like they had in 2007 when they battled the Patriots to the very end in Week 17. Or maybe they'll fold. We'll see - but something good better come out of this because my a** hurts after Eli raped me with that covering touchdown against Green Bay.
Oakland Raiders (7-5) - Previously: #7 - If Al Davis were still alive, I'd joke about Miami being too bright and sunny for the owner, which would explain the blowout loss to the Dolphins.
Perhaps his players, coaches, gargoyles, mummies and cyclopses have spent too much time in the crypts. That could be a possible explanation. I don't know. I picked the Dolphins to win, but I didn't expect a bloodbath.
Houston Texans (9-3) - Previously: #16 - T.J. Yates - pretty, pretty, pretty good. For a fifth-round rookie making his first start, anyway.
With Yates playing well, the newly signed Jake Delhomme won't see the field. This clashes with Facebook friend Tim B's theory:
Delhomme to sign with Texans. Mexican cartel rejoices because they know he will throw interceptions if they kidnap family members. They will make millions in fixed betting.
Delhomme's son is safe - for now.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 14 - Bottom 10
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-12) - Previously: #32 - I have some sad news to report. I believe that famous GameCenter user Taton has been banned. That's what usually happens when there's no recent activity, as you can see by clicking the link.
What could have caused Taton to be banned? Hmm...
After the Colts screwed up in the end zone, down 3-0:
- Dane orkovsky sucks incomlete! orkovsky put penas in Coach Caswell's mouth!!!!!
When the Patriots established a 31-3 lead:
- Brady brady brad y Stop throw tochdown!!! Brayd is homosexall like Coach Cadwell!!!!
When Dan Orlovsky drew the Colts within seven:
- Come on come on cmon on Colt score one more touchdwn at beat gay new england patriot!!!!
After the game:
- Cach Cadwell and Jim Isray and Cristis Prainter have butt sex in lockar room!!!!!!!!!!!
31. St. Louis Rams (2-10) - Previously: #31 - I'd like to see the Rams and Colts play each other. I think Indianapolis might be better.
Speaking of comparing teams, I once again have to complain about NFL.com's Game Edge meter:
If a 20-point favorite isn't anything more than a "slight edge," then I give up. Seriously, why even have a meter like this if everything is a "very slight edge" or a "slight edge?"
If Patriots over Colts is a slight edge, then the following graphic may apply:
Not that there's anything wrong with willingly having sex with Jerry Sandusky.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-9) - Previously: #30 - Did you know that the Jaguars still have a chance at the Super Bowl? It's true. After all, a GameCenter user had this to say about the Monday night game:
come on jags u need to step it up this is our game chargers stink philip rivers peeeeeeee uuuuuuu JAGS TO THE SUPER AND THEY WILL WIN
With so many idiots on GameCenter, Taton won't be missed too much.
29. Cleveland Browns (4-8) - Previously: #28 - The Browns suck, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first one from Facebook friend Jay B):
1. "BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! BEAR DOWN!!! BEAR DOWN!! BEAR DOWN!!!!! BAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HERE WE GOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DET IS LOSING AND WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAA BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This man would die of a heart attack five minutes later.
2. "yup blowout the pats will win by at least 21 and will bench the starters in the forth"
And so on, and so fourth.
3. "Sean payton is the master of yodas..he always has something noones seen yet....I am sure he has the lions a thing or two....Watch out detroit the yoda is on you. Who Dat!"
A very stupid GameCenter poster he is, hmm!?
28. Minnesota Vikings (2-10) - Previously: #27 - My prediction that Sage Rosenfels would sign before Donovan McNabb came to fruition. Go me.
By the way, we're only a few weeks removed from McNabb telling the media that he should be starting. I'm shocked the feeling wasn't mutual. I mean, what team wouldn't want a fat, lazy, out-of-shape, unmotivated, whining, washed-up, inaccurate, me-first, delusional quarterback starting for them?
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8) - Previously: #22 - The Buccaneers were once 3-1. They're now 4-8. What happened? Some say it was the Gerald McCoy injury. Others figure that a lazy Raheem Morris has lost the locker room.
A GameCenter poster had a different theory:
fellow buc fan's we've been lost at sea for a month now arrrrrrr.
I like that last explanation the best. It came from a pirate, after all, and pirates know what the hell they are talking about.
26. Kansas City Chiefs (5-7) - Previously: #29 - Watching that Bears-Chiefs game was like sitting in a dentist's chair for three hours. On the bright side, in 50 years, you can tell your grandkids where you were for the Kyle Orton-Kansas City Chiefs era.
25. Washington Redskins (4-8) - Previously: #24 - Rex Grossman struggled against the Jets after playing well the two weeks leading into that game. What happened in those two games?
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Rex Grossman: I'mmm Ruxxx Grossmnann and I plllay qurbaack reeell geewwdd.
Rex Grossman: What is going on here? Nothing's spinning around. I can think clearly. I don't see five of the guy I'm throwing to. Hey, this quarterbacking thing got much easier!
Maybe Grossman should hire Anderson on retainer.
24. Philadelphia Eagles (4-8) - Previously: #19 - "We did OK, we just gotta take care of some turnovers and we're good." - Vince Young after the loss to Seattle.
Wow. Speaking of wow, here are some crazy facts, courtesy of BOOP Stats:
- It's been 18 games since the Eagles have given a carry to a running back on their first offensive play of the game.
- Prior to Thursday night, the last time an Eagle quarterback has thrown an interception on the first play of the game was December 2007: A.J. Feeley was guilty of this against - drum roll - the Seahawks.
- Vince Young's throws of 15-plus yards this year: 16 have been completed; eight have been intercepted.
23. San Diego Chargers (5-7) - Previously: #23 - A recap of the Chargers-Jaguars game:
1. I LOVE Jacksonville's young quarterback. He's tough. He's gritty. He's great in the locker room. He helps Maurice Jones-Drew in the running game. He wins games. He doesn't pass very well, but is getting better each week.
Oh, wait... my bad... I thought we were in a parallel universe where everything made sense and the Jaguars drafted Tim Tebow in April 2010. My bad.
Jacksonville's real quarterback sucks. Blaine Gabbert (19-of-33, 195 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT) doesn't look like anything close to a franchise signal-caller. He's skittish in the pocket and doesn't take any chances downfield. Aside from a shovel pass to Maurice Jones Drew (20 carries, 97 rush yards, 6 catches, 91 rec. yards, TD) that turned into a big gain, Gabbert's longest throw went to tackle-eligible Guy Whimper for 17 yards. This offense is just so limited and bland.
2. As for the other quarterback, Philip Rivers looked much better Monday night than he had in recent weeks. He finished 22-of-28 for 294 yards and three touchdowns despite not getting much protection from a patchwork offensive line. Going against Jacksonville's injury-ravaged secondary helped, as did having Malcom Floyd (4-108, TD) back.
Something funny about the Bastard of the Trident was a video clip ESPN showed prior to the game. Linebacker Stephen Cooper stood next to Rivers on the sideline and complained, "I need two more touchdowns for my fantasy league!"
3. This game was bad, and the announcers matched that. At one point in the second half, Ron Jaworski called Norv Turner an "excellent football coach." As I wrote on Twitter (@walterfootball), "That's like calling Emmitt Smith a grammatical genius."
It's weird - people insist on having football people in the booth, but this is precisely the problem with that. Jaws is friends with Turner, so he's going to do everything in his power to make sure his buddy isn't fired. I'm aware that people hated him for some strange reason, but I miss Tony Kornheiser. He didn't know the Xs and Os, but at least he didn't say completely idiotic and biased things each week.
4. As mentioned, this game was trash. But hey, at least we didn't have to watch the Rams play the Seahawks, or anything. Oh wait...
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: