Walt's 2010 NBA Mock Draft: June 24, 2010 at 4:15 ET (Third Edition).
Washington Bullets: John Wall, PG, Kentucky, 6-4, Fr.
OK, before everyone gets their "minds in a bungalo" (as Emmitt would say), here's how this is going to work. I'm going to post my updated picks in this nonsensical 2010 NBA Mock Draft and write my analysis underneath. After that, I'll have the analysis and pick of the first edition of my mock. So, you can follow my old mock, my new mock or both. How fun.
Why am I doing this? Not sure. I didn't want to erase what I wrote earlier, and I'm too lazy to make another page. In the words of Eric Cartman, "I do whatevea I want!"
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (JOHN WALL):
Bullets? Don't I mean Wizards? Blue5213 on the forums asked: "Question, Walt: Why do you still use the Bullets symbol for the Washington Wizards? Given that they changed the name and logo out of respect for D.C.'s ridiculous crime rate, it seems a little... insensitive. Just curious."
Damn right it's insensitive. And that's how I like it.
In all seriousness, bullets don't kill people. Depending on whether you ask a Democrat or Republican, guns and/or people kill people. Don't believe me? Buy a bullet somewhere and throw it at someone you dislike. Nothing will happen. Maybe they'll feel a slight ping, but that's it. If bullets killed people, then people would just forgo guns and buy bullets.
With that in mind, I'd like to change the Bullets/Wizards team name to the Washington Guns. We can even make it Gunz for it to be more bada**. Now that's insensitive. Insensitivity is awesome.
Philadelphia 76ers: Evan Turner, G/F, Ohio State, 6-7, Jr.
As an update, I'm no longer a citizen of Philadelphia. Yes, congratulations to me. I no longer have to pay insane Philadelphia taxes that fund the mansions and expensive cars of our corrupt mayors' and their close friends. There's nothing like working hard and giving back an insane amount of money to the city just to see your crooked mayor steal tons of the cash and fail to fix all of the city's problems (ridiculously high unemployment and crime, broken transportation system, millions of bums, public schools with poor facilities, etc.)
At any rate, my dad called me on Monday with the following news: "The Sixers like Wesley Johnson. They think he's the next Scottie Pippen!" When the 76ers screw up this pick on draft night, should I hang or drown myself? Decisions, decisions.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (EVAN TURNER):
Being a citizen of Philadelphia (or as of June 16, Feasterville), I'm afraid the 76ers are going to screw this up. Logic dictates that this pick will be Evan Turner (or if the Washington Gunz are stupid, John Wall), but I just have this feeling that the Suxers are planning on picking Derrick Favors or Derrick Coleman DeMarcus Cousins.
By the way, funny conversation between my dad and his high co-worker on the night of the NBA Draft Lottery:
Co-Worker: What pick did the Sixers get?
Dad: The second pick.
Co-Worker: Who's gonna be the second pick?
Dad: Evan Turner.
Co-Worker: Who's that?
Dad: Guard/small forward from Ohio State. Player of the Year. He's good.
Co-Worker: Who's gonna be the first pick?
Dad: John Wall.
Co-Worker: Who's that?
Dad: Point guard from Kentucky.
Co-Worker: Who's gonna be the second pick?
Dad: I told you, Evan Turner.
Co-Worker: Who's that?
Dad: Man, are you sure you've only been smoking weed?
New Jersey Nets: Derrick Favors, PF, Georgia Tech, 6-10, Fr.
Some sites are starting to trend toward Wesley Johnson going No. 3 overall, all because some rumors surfaced about the Russian Owner (still too lazy to Google his name) loving Johnson. I'm sticking to my guns and keeping Derrick Favors here. Not that I know anything about the Nets' needs or anything.
By the way, I still think Russian Owner should take the NBA hostage. What could David Stern possibly do if Russian Owner leered at him and stated, "You vill give me all pick in zis NBA Draft or I vill destroy NBA?"
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (DERRICK FAVORS):
As the 2010 NBA Draft Lottery concluded, I tweeted (follow me @walterfootball), " If I'm Russian Owner, why not give No. 3 and like $250 million for No. 1 so I can get Wall and LeBron? That's pocket change for him."
If $250 million isn't enough for the Washington Gunz, then Russian Owner can make it $350 or $400 million. That's a ton of cash for the Gunz, who are one of 25 teams not losing money in this economy. If Russian Owner puts the offer on the table, I don't know how the Gunz decline, especially if he says, "I vill take No. 1 pick from you. If you do not give me pick, I must break you."
"When you look at the comparitive between Wesley Williams and Marcus Cousin, Williams have been given comparison for Scottish Pippens. He was a good player in the old school. Marcus Cousin, meanwhile, is name after a cousin, and my cousin is a broke bum who do nothin' around the house, so Wesley Williams go to Minnesota Viking."
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (WESLEY JOHNSON):
I think everyone was secretly rooting for the Timberwolves to win the 2010 NBA Draft Lottery. Would they have chosen John Wall? If so, would they have played Wall, Jonny Flynn and Ricky "I piss on all Minnesotans" Rubio at the same time? These are questions that need to be answered.
8:13: Funniest moment of the night - Jonny Flynn, talking about his popularity, "People on the West Coast, Mid Coast knew who I am."
8:14: Minnesota plans on using two point guards next year. Apparently, they're installing a new revolutionary Mid-Coast Offense.
Damn you, David Stern for not rigging the lottery this year. Had the Timberwolves been able to draft Wall, their awesome Mid-Coast offense would have been complete.
Sacramento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins, C, Kentucky, 6-11, Fr.
I'm still astonished that the guy who yelled "F*** you!" to his college head coach gets to be selected in the top five. What if one of these prospects murders 13 people and assaults dozens of others? Can he be a top-10 pick?
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (DEMARCUS COUSINS):
The lazy guy who yelled "F*** you!" to his college coach goes No. 5 overall. Gotta love the NBA. It doesn't matter if you have a terrible temper, eat dougnuts non-stop, do drugs, assault women, kidnap children, bomb buildings or watch Glee; if you're big enough, you'll have a job and earn billions of dollars.
Ah, the life of an average NBA center: Work hard for one year, despite your obvious lack of coordination and talent; sign a 7-year, $450 trillion contract; show up overweight and injury-prone the following season; get cut after two years and sit in your large mansion as you steal money from a clueless organization. I wish I were seven feet tall.
Golden State Warriors: Ekpe Udoh, PF, Baylor, 6-10, Jr.
Is it Ekpe Udoh or Epke Udoh? K comes before P, so I'll spell it Ekpe. Googling and fact-checking is overrated.
It seems like every single 2010 NBA Mock Draft has the Warriors taking Ekpe/Epke Udoh, so who am I to argue with people who are smarter than I am? Although I did have the Jazz-Babbitt thing down. Hem, hem.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (AL AMINU):
I'd provide some sort of analysis here, but I'm not sure if I can say **-***** *****'s name. If I say **-***** *****'s name, some delusional scumbag woman-beating terrorist may threaten to debacle me. You saw what happened with South Park and ********. How is WalterFootball.com and **-***** ***** any different?
Detroit Pistons: Greg Monroe, PF, Georgetown, 6-10, So.
So, we go from a guy who yelled F-bombs at his coach at No. 5 to a bum who seldom tried in college at No. 7? Gotta love the NBA. If Greg Monroe was lazy in college, why would he try hard in the NBA after being given tons of money? I wouldn't even touch this guy in the fifth round.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (GREG MONROE):
If there's one guy who's a lock to bust in the 2010 NBA Draft, it's Greg Monroe. Monroe barely tried at Georgetown. With millions of dollars in his bank account, why would he suddenly put forth any effort in the NBA? I guarantee Monroe weighs 500 pounds by 2013. Maybe he and JaMarcus Russell can both be water boys for the 2014 New England Patriots.
Los Angeles Clippers: Al-Farouq Aminu, SF, Wake Forest, 6-9, So.
Just talked to Comedy Central, and they've informed me that it's OK to say and write Al-Farouq Aminu. I thought the same scumbag, woman-beating crazed terrorist who threatened the creators of South Park would come after me for not bleeping out Aminu's name, but apparently that only applies to Muhammad. Ah, crap. I'm done for.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (EKPE UDOH):
Mixed feelings if I'm Ekpe Udoh. On one hand, I'll be making millions and banging hot, gold-digging L.A. whores every night. On the other hand, I'll be playing for the Clippers, which means that my ACL will be torn in a matter of months. Luckily, sex is still possible with a shredded knee.
Utah Jazz: Luke Babbitt, SF, Nevada, 6-9, So.
Allow me to pat myself on the back for having Luke Babbitt going to the Jazz way before anyone else did. This was just way too obvious. The Jazz love taking white players (five of their previous 10 first-round selections have been spent on white players) and Babbitt is the best white player available.
By the way, I received an e-mail from someone reading the analysis below who told me to stop being racist against white basketball players. Considering that I'm white and I play basketball every week, does this mean that I'm racist against myself? You know what, I think it does! I hate myself! I'm unathletic and stupid!
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (LUKE BABBITT):
Five of Utah's previous 10 first-round selections have been spent on white players. Luke Babbitt is white, so this makes sense.
Babbitt is projected to be the next Chris Mullin. And speaking of Mullin, his name is impossible to say when drunk. A couple of years ago, I was talking hoops with my friend Strum at a bar. I was completely out of it, so instead of saying "Chris Mullin," (we were talking about the Dream Team) I came up with "Christian Mullett." That's seriously the best I could do at the time.
By the way, I Googled "Christian Mullett," and there are people named Christian Mullett on Facebook and Twitter. Maybe I was on to something after my dozen-plus drinks.
Indiana Pacers: Ed Davis, PF, North Carolina, 6-10, So.
I can't really remember a moment of Ed Davis' sophomore season, so naturally he goes No. 10 overall.
This is a great opportunity to talk about something I posted on Facebook yesterday. I wrote: "I just lost five Twitter followers (Communists) for my anti-soccer tweets. Mission accomplished - http://twitter.com/walterfootball.
Hey, I'm just a proud, xenophobic, ignorant American who loves this country, and I only want other proud, xenophobic, ignorant people following me. Hrmph. Whoa, I just had a Leelee moment.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (GORDON HAYWARD):
Last year, the Pacers reached for a white player who stepped up big in the NCAA Tournament. If this is their draft strategy, then Gordon Hayward will be the pick. Plus, Hayward's a local hero who could help sell tickets. Look what Tim Tebow has done for the Jaguars; the season opener against the Broncos will be sold out as soon as individual tickets go on sale - all because everyone wants to see Tebow standing on the sidelines (and he's not even on the team!)
New Orleans Hornets: Gordon Hayward, SF, Butler, 6-9, So.
Speaking of white players, a huge pet peeve of mine is when artsy-fartsy new-age hippie journalists go, "I just made the comparison between a white player and a black player. Look how cultured and open-minded I am! I'm much better than people who only compare white players to white players, and black players to black players!"
Whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Please just shut up already. If I want to compare white players to only white players, and black players to only black players, no one should be able to stop me or make me feel bad for doing so. No one!
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (COLE ALDRICH):
Eric Montross should be able to eat up New Orleans' salary cap... erm, I mean Cole Aldrich should be able to help the Hornets get back into the playoffs. Not that Montross and Aldrich look alike or anything.
Memphis Grizzlies: Paul George, SF, Fresno State, 6-8, So.
Paul George? What about John Ringo? Zing!
That's all I could come up with for this pick. Sorry.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (ED DAVIS):
The Grizzlies have enough frontcourt players, which is why I'm giving them another power forward. Hey, I'm basically mirroring former 76er general manager Billy King's "take a small forward every single year and ask questions later" strategy.
Toronto Raptors: Patrick Patterson, PF, Kentucky, 6-9, Jr.
I'd love to feel sorry for the Raptors because they're losing Chris Bosh, but they sealed their own fate when they signed Hedo Turkoglu (or as my dad unintentionally says "Turk of Glue" because he's never learned to pronounce his name) to a contract that pays him about $10 million a year, with an insane $12.2 million player option in 2013-14.
That's right - in the summer of 2013, when Turk of Glue is 34, he'll have the option of giving himself $12.2 million for one season. You have to wonder what the hell these NBA general managers are thinking sometimes.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (JAMES ANDERSON):
Speaking of the 76ers, I run a Live NBA Draft Blog every single year, and one thing people tell me that they look forward to is my dad's reaction to whom the Sixers pick. My dad has announced that he wants Evan Turner more than anyone, so here's to him not having a coronary on Draft Day.
Here are some of my dad's past reactions to his beloved Sixers' selections:
2009 NBA Draft:
8:49: The Sixers are just four picks away. My dad wants Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson or Wayne Ellington. Yeah, he's not a front-runner.
8:50: With the 13th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Indiana Pacers select Tyler Hansbrough, PF, North Carolina - My dad just groaned. "Oh no, my guy!"
9:03: My dad is beaming. The Sixers will have their choice of Ty Lawson and/or Wayne Ellington:
"Watch, if the Sixers draft these guys, they're going to be good next season."
9:09: My dad's pretty confident they're taking Lawson or Ellington... He also thinks they may take B.J. Mullens and trade him.
9:10: And on that note, t-minus three minutes and counting until my TV is debacled.
9:13: With the 17th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select Jrue Holiday, G, UCLA - Oh... no....
9:14: My dad on the pick:
"What the f***!?!??! I was afraid they'd take him. What the f***... I was afraid they were going to take him... I hope we're going to trade him. Why didn't they take Ty Lawson? Son of a b****. Why not Ellington? Maybe they'll trade down. Maybe they'll trade Holiday..."
9:16: I just told my dad Holiday averaged 8.5 ppg and shot 30.7 percent from three-point range at UCLA last year. He looks defeated.
2008 NBA Draft:
9:01: The Sixers are the clock. We're two minutes away from my dad throwing the remote at the TV.
9:02: My dad on the pick: "If Billy King were still the GM, he'd take some horrible small forward no one has ever heard of."
9:04: With the 16th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select PF Marreese Speights, Florida.
9:05: Silence. My dad hasn't said anything yet. Hey, I'm not complaining... the TV's not broken.
9:07: Silence regarding the new Eddie Murphy movie too. There's mass confusion going on here. My dad hasn't cheered the pick, and hasn't criticized it yet either. He's looking at the Philadelphia Daily News to try and figure out what happened. It's pretty eerie, I think I'd like to have my TV broken.
2007 NBA Draft:
8:32: With the 10th pick, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. My dad just shouted about 15 curse words in a row: "Billy King's an idiot. Why didn't he trade up for Hawes? First, the Sixers refused to tank at the end of the season. Next, King stays idle at No. 12 when the top 10 players are clearly a cut above everyone else!"
8:34: My dad just said the following, "Watch, King's going to pick Sean Williams at No. 12."
8:46: With the 12th pick, the Hawks select Thaddeus Young.
8:54: My dad was just on the phone with his co-worker. This is what the conversation sounded like: "Billy King is a f***ing idiot! Can someone fire him? Billy King and Isiah Thomas, two f***ing idiots! How many small forwards can you have? Every team picked up a good player. The Sixers got garbage, as usual. No one has heard of this guy! He was supposed to go No. 19 or 20."
Houston Rockets: Cole Aldrich, C, Kansas, 6-11, Jr.
I'd love to compare Cole Adrich to Eric Montross, but then I'd just be a close-minded, unworldly idiot who only compares white players to white players. OK, fine, I'll have it your way, artsy-fartsy hippie journalists. I'll compare Aldrich to a black people. Hmmm... hmmm... I'm thinking... No, wait... I got it...
Aldrich is the next Allen Iverson! Sure, they have no skills in common, but I can now say that I'm better than most people because I compared a white player to a black player.
I have to say, this was fun. For some reason, I'm in the mood for Starbucks coffee. And I also have a sudden urge to watch soccer and work on a painting too... Weird.
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (HASSAN WHITESIDE):
If you're looking for a real 2010 NBA Mock Draft, click on the link. David Kay and Paul Banks know what they're talking about. I'm just trying to make jokes and semi-logical picks here.
But speaking of David's mock, he once had Hassan Whiteside pretty high. A day after I posted that mock, I received a strange e-mail from Whiteside himself. The e-mail contained nothing. No subject. No text. Just a blank e-mail from Whiteside. I e-mailed him back, but didn't get a response.
Don't believe me? Take a look:
Milwaukee Bucks: Xavier Henry, SG, Kansas, 6-6, Fr.
My one memory of the Bucks: When I was a kid, I used to watch Step by Step religiously. Cody was my idol. He was someone cool to look up to. "When I grow up, I too want to live in a van in my uncle's driveway," I thought.
Anyway, I always remember Frank Lambert watching the Bucks as he cheered for them when they played Michael Jordan and the Bulls. I always wondered why he would torment himself. The Bucks could never beat Chicago. They were the Bucks. Well, the Bucks still stink, so it's good to know nothing has changed at all. And by the way, the guy who played Cody turns 43 in a month. How insane is that?
MAY 23 ANALYSIS (AVERY BRADLEY):
I hate this stupid one-and-done rule. I barely know who Avery Bradley is. Players should have to stay at least three years in college before going to the pros because college basketball is better than the NBA.
To those who say watching NCAA basketball offenses is brutal, I'd take that as well as all of the excitement of the NCAA Tournament instead of all the overpaid players who show up as high as my dad's co-worker every night.
Go to 2010 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwith.