32. Seattle Seahawks (0-1) - Previously: #32 - Did I mention how much I hate Ted f***ing Ginn? Looks like Seattle fans and I have something in common for once.
By the way, I found this in my old notes. I don't have who sent this to me, but they were referring to something weird the announcers said in one of the Saints-Seahawks games last year:
Did you catch what one of the commentators said about what real football is? I can't remember who said it, but here is the quote: "Real football is about two big flabby guys banging each other." Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Five hundred bucks says that Matt Millen made that statement.
31. Cleveland Browns (0-1) - Previously: #19 - Colt McCoy should just play preseason games. He could dominate in August, like he usually does, and then fake a season-ending injury every Labor Day. Maybe he could say that he tripped over a grill one year or got into a fight with Brandon Marshall's wife the next, or something. At any rate, the Browns would eventually give him a contract with a nice signing bonus based on his potential, making Colt a rich man with a hot wife. His life would then be complete, since nothing matters except for money and hot chicks.
30. Indianapolis Colts (0-1) - Previously: #9 - This Colts team reminds me of the 1996-97 San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs were a perennial playoff team for years, but David Robinson, one of the greatest centers in NBA history, who like Peyton Manning, was on the down side of his career, was lost for most of that season. With the No. 1 pick in the 1997 NBA Draft, San Antonio selected Tim Duncan. With Robinson and Duncan, San Antonio won the championship a couple of years later.
Assuming the Colts will keep Manning, it's time to start wondering who his "Tim Duncan" will be. Perhaps Matt Kalil? Kalil is a blue-chip left tackle prospect, and his presence would grant Manning the blind-side protection he's been yearning for years. With Kalil on the team, Anthony Castonzo would move over to play right tackle. If Castonzo and guard Ben Ijalana progress, the Colts could have a really good offensive line by 2013.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) - Previously: #18 - If yesterday's 41-7 home loss to the Bills wasn't bad enough, the Chiefs just lost Eric Berry to a torn ACL. At least it's not the fourth week of the preseason; otherwise, Todd Haley might make Berry play despite that injury.
28. Tennessee Titans (0-1) - Previously: #21 - Chris Johnson had just nine carries against the Jaguars, which is just inexplicable. I called up head coach Mike Munchak for an interview to find out what happened:
ME: Hey Mike, thanks for joining me. I have to come right out and ask. What happened to Chris Johnson?
MUNCHAK: Umm... do you mean C.Johnson?
ME: Uhh, yeah. C. Johnson as in Chris Johnson.
MUNCHAK: Is he good? He hasn't practiced with us.
ME: Yeah... he's only one of the top running backs in the NFL.
MUNCHAK: Oh, OK. Hey, I have some questions for you.
ME: All right. I'm supposed to be asking the questions, but you can go ahead.
MUNCHAK: That K.Britt guy yesterday looked pretty good.
ME: Is that a question?
MUNCHAK: Umm... uhh... M.Hasselbeck - he's the one who threw the ball yesterday, right?
MUNCHAK: Should I try him on defense next week?
ME: Mike, I'm beginning to think you're in the wrong profession.
27. Denver Broncos (0-1) - Previously: #22 - A recap of the Raiders-Broncos game:
I guess it's a good thing this game was on at 10:15 because only pure football fans could have stomached this mess. The Broncos and Raiders played a sloppy affair marred by careless turnovers, heavy rain and penalties (30). It seriously seemed like Denver was faced with a 3rd-and-15 on every single drive.
2. The defining play of this game occurred at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Denver was down 16-13, but had the ball deep in Oakland territory. I figured the worst-case scenario would have been a short field-goal attempt - that was until Orton inexplicably dropped the ball in the pocket despite the fact that he wasn't hit. The Raiders took advantage of this and scored a touchdown. It was a 14-point swing that cost the Broncos a potential victory.
Speaking of Orton, he went 24-of-46 for 304 yards, one touchdown and an interception. He was screwed over by some drops, but he also made some terrible throws, prompting the Broncos fans to chant, "TE-BOW, TE-BOW, TE-BOW!"
I can't blame them. Orton is mediocre at best, and while Tebow may not be very good at practice, he's a gamer who performed really well in three starts last year. The Broncos can't go with Orton much longer, and John Fox and John Elway would be incredibly stubborn not to hand the reins to Tebow.
3. Darren McFadden's a stud. He gained 150 yards on 22 carries. If he can stay healthy, he'll contend for the rushing title.
4. I actually thought that Trent Dilfer did an OK job for the most part as the color analyst until he started slurping Orton amid the Tebow chants. Forum member Blue5213 said it best:
I'm surprised Dilfer can talk this much with Orton's dick in his mouth.
Forum member Ragnarok also wasn't a fan:
I would rather have a woman announcing this game than Trent Dilfer. Worst quarterback to ever win a Super Bowl and thinks he is God's f***ing gift to the sport.
I do want to take issue with something Dilfer said though, when he called Raiders fullback Marcel Reese a "matchup nightmare." Look, I get Reese is versatile, but a nightmare? I don't think opposing defensive coordinators have nightmares trying to figure out how to stop him.
Speaking of which, the biased Raider announcers in the preseason said the same thing of Reese, so maybe it's in the water. Or maybe Al Davis is paying people off to talk highly of his players. I can only wonder how many unsacrificed virgins Dilfer received for that comment.
5. Speaking of Undead Al, I immediately thought of what he might say when Sebastian Janikowski drilled a 63-yard field goal just prior to halftime:
"And that's... why... you spend... a first-rounda... on a kicka... he's a great... playa..."
26. San Francisco 49ers (1-0) - Previously: #30 - A mostly accurate post by forum mod CKane: "Walter may murder Ted Ginn this week."
Murder? I'm not a monster. I prefer torture. Perhaps waterboarding or urineboarding, or even Big Bang Theory-ing. Tie a man to a chair, pop in Big Bang Theory DVDs, and make him watch a couple of episodes. He'll yield in no time.
25. Carolina Panthers (0-1) - Previously: #28 - Cam Newton had an incredible performance at Arizona, but the team still lost. The offensive line still can't block, while the defense seemingly blows coverages every other play. The season-ending injury to Jon Beason obviously doesn't help matters.
By the way, I'd like congratulate Steve Smith yet again for actually trying hard. Way to go, Steve. I know playing football for a seven-figure salary can be grueling sometimes, but I'm happy to see that you took time out of your busy schedule to put forth some effort into a game.
24. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) - Previously: #31 - The Bengals could be 2-0 if they beat the Broncos next week. Mind blown.
I have nothing interesting to say about their win over the crappy Browns, so here was a funny post from Facebook friend Jeremy D:
Since you love inept TV announcers, I thought I should tell you that Jim Mora Jr. has referred to the Chargers as "San Francisco" about eight times, and said that they lost "Darrell Sproles" to the New England Patriots.
I didn't hear Mora say that, but I did catch him and his broadcast partner doing something weird in the booth. Mora was showing the play-by-play guy some sort of maneuver, and the two men eventually had their arms wrapped around each other, almost as if they were embracing each other prior to having some passionate man sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
23. Miami Dolphins (0-1) - Previously: #27 - I already discussed the Patriots-Dolphins game, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "rex is giving sanchiz a foot massage"
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
2. "man dont go in the sand diego radiers room they will ban u"
I wonder how many people are Sand Diego Raiders fans.
3. "Did anyone forget who won the suerbowl last year? cause im afraid alot have, the NEW ORLEAN SAINTS!"
I can't wait until the Sand Diego Raiders and New Orlean Saints play each other.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (1-0). Previously: #8
12. Dallas Cowboys (0-1). Previously: #10
13. Houston Texans (1-0). Previously: #15
14. Washington Redskins (1-0). Previously: #24
15. New York Giants (0-1). Previously: #16
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1). Previously: #14
17. Oakland Raiders (1-0). Previously: #26
18. Arizona Cardinals (1-0). Previously: #23
19. Buffalo Bills (1-0). Previously: #25
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0). Previously: #29
21. Minnesota Vikings (0-1). Previously: #20
22. St. Louis Rams (0-1). Previously: #17
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