32. Miami Dolphins (0-4) - Previously: #28 - The Dolphins are pathetic. Not only did David Garrard turn them down; Jake Delhomme refused to sign with them as well. Jake freaking Delhomme. This is like getting rejected by the fat chick with pimples and braces. That's why they're the new No. 32 team.
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4) - Previously: #31 - Speaking of the Dolphins' quarterback woes, it was recently reported that Garrard didn't sign with Miami because "he simply didn't feel like playing right now." Garrard has denied this, so I called him up to get the real story:
Me: Hey David, thanks for joining me. Let's clear something up. Reports said that you didn't want to play football right now. A day later, you said that you do indeed want to play. Which is it?
David Garrard: I definitely want to play football right now. No doubt about it.
Me: OK, so why didn't you sign with the Dolphins?
David Garrard: Oh... yeah... so they told me that I have to practice Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and then play on Sunday. Wednesday's not a problem, but Community and The Office are on Thursdays. Sunday is Desperate Housewives. Friday is my recovery day.
Me: Recovery? From what?
David Garrard: My wife makes me take out the trash Thursday night after The Office. I need a break after that, especially when there are three bags.
Me: Can't you just DVR your shows and pay someone to take out the trash for you? You did sign a big contract several years ago.
David Garrard: I suppose that is true.
Me: OK, so go sign with the Dolphins.
David Garrard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Why not?
David Garrard: Because... because Miami is hot and Desperate Housewives and tired from trash and Community and potato chips and home and practice is hard and games are hard and film study is boring.
Me: So, in other words, you don't want to play right now?
David Garrard: That's not true! I want to play!
Me: So, go sign with the Dolphins.
David Garrard: Buuuuuuut I dooooonnnnttt wwwwaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Me: I guess we're at an impasse.
30. Indianapolis Colts (0-5) - Previously: #30 - How did the Colts blow a 17-0 lead? What happened to Curtis Painter in the second half? And why does Donald Brown suck so much? Frustrated forum member Dannythebeast posted the following in our live in-games thread:
Why the **** is Jacob Lacey still starting, yet Tryon gets ****ing cut. Either the Colts are tanking, or Lacey has Bill Polian and Jim Caldwell porn.
Ewww... an old guy and a chubby, mute guy banging? Matt Millen may find that appealing, but ewww...
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) - Previously: #29 - Blaine Gabbert's not ready to start. The Jaguars should sign a veteran so they can sit Gabbert until he's ready to play. The best quarterback available on the market is David Garrard. The Jags should sign that guy.
28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4) - Previously: #24 - If you get blown out by a Donovan McNabb-quarterbacked team, you deserve to move down in the power rankings. Remember when Arizona was -3 AT Seattle in Week 3? How ridiculous does that spread seem now?
Loved this GameCenter post in the Arizona-Minnesota thread, by the way:
Ive said it before and I'll say it again...KOLB S U C K S. He was NOT worth trading DRC, draft pick and $$$$. ANOTHER S T U P I D Cardinal from office move. Ken Whiz is a d u m b a s s ...Kurt Made him look like a genius.
27. Cleveland Browns (2-2) - Previously: #26 - The Browns are coming off a bye, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "Andy Reed is a joke. First let Vick run the swak ball then dont give it to your best player McCoy and then they wonder why they loose 4 straight. lol Reed get a clue, give it to McCoy and the rest will follow."
Hey, hey, hey, Andy "Reed" is not cool and doesn't know what "swak ball" means, so cut him some slack.
2. "DIZ WAS A GREAT GAME IM HAPPY ALEX SMITH DIDNT THROW ANY INTERCEPTION. BRIAN WESTBROOK N VERON DAVIS KILL IT."
Using the word "DIZ" is a clear indication that you're a white male living in your parents' suburban basement. And Brian Westbrook? You on crack, son?
3. "benson is better look at his career stats and u will see benson has better stats then mjd!!Benson will show you on sunday dont trip!!WHO DEY!!!!!!"
Entering Sunday's game, Maurice Jones-Drew had 5,639 rushing yards and 55 touchdowns. Cedric Benson had 5,050 rushing yards and 26 touchdowns. Jones-Drew's stats are clearly better - unless you're on GameCenter and use cool terms like "diz," "swak" and "dont trip."
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-3) - Previously: #32 - Poop Salad and Clipboard Jesus just beat Top-Five NFL Quarterback. Unreal.
25. Denver Broncos (1-4) - Previously: #25 - Last week, I wrote:
The electronic sign didn't convince John Fox to start Tim Tebow.
Nice try, Bronco fans. Next time, try something more drastic. I don't know, maybe like buying (renting?) an elephant, getting it "excited," having it splooge all over Fox's car, dipping your finger into the substance and writing "TEBOW MUST START." That might get Fox's attention. <
I told you the elephant would work!
On a related note, I HATE this cliche: "If you listen to the fans, you end up sitting with them."
That's completely bogus. With 24-hour sports networks, and tens of thousands of sports Web sites and blogs, fans (excluding the ones on GameCenter) are more educated than ever. Denver fans knew Kyle Orton sucked, and they knew Tebow would do a better job... and yet John Fox and John Elway sabotaged their 2011 season by not trading Orton away for a mid-round pick and keeping Tebow benched. Maybe they should have listened to the fans sooner.
Despite numerous instances that prove otherwise, pompous ESPN analysts like Trent Dilfer keep spitting out that dumb, tired cliche. It has to stop.
24. Minnesota Vikings (1-4) - Previously: #23 - Good God, Donovan McNabb sucks. Not only is he completely done; he refuses to let the coaching staff help him when they suggested that he should fix his mechanics. This sparked a funny exchange between forum members Ragnarok and Leelee:
Ragnarok: Frazier is clearly only doing this because McNabb is a black quarterback, and this is all racist! It's cause he is black that they think he needs to work on his footwork. I can't believe this, I bet they'd never try to correct a white quarterback's technique. McNabb has done nothing wrong, he's just the victim of typical NFL racism. This is ridiculous.
Leelee: How will Tom Jackson break this to his kids?
Ragnarok: Yes, it is the true tragedy in today's NFL. Next thing you know, Toure will be writing an article about this. Then you know it's legit.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) - Previously: #27 - Beloved GameCenter poster Taton had this to say during the Colts-Chiefs game:
Poor Taton. He probably cried himself to sleep Sunday night.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Giants (3-2). Previously: #6
12. Dallas Cowboys (2-2). Previously: #16
13. San Francisco 49ers (4-1). Previously: #19
14. New York Jets (2-3). Previously: #14
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2). Previously: #8
16. Tennessee Titans (3-2). Previously: #10
17. Philadelphia Eagles (1-4). Previously: #15
18. Washington Redskins (3-1). Previously: #20
19. Chicago Bears (2-3). Previously: #17
20. Atlanta Falcons (2-3). Previously: #18
21. Carolina Panthers (1-4). Previously: #21
22. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2). Previously: #22
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