Walt's 2009 NBA Mock Draft: June 25, 2009 (draft pick changes only).
Los Angeles Clippers: Blake Griffin, PF, Oklahoma
As you might expect, this isn't going to be your typical 2009 NBA Mock Draft. Instead of delving into how each player is going to fit into their new respective team, I'll discuss far more important things, such as...
With Blake Griffin going to the Clippers, it's time for a change. The Clippers need a new name and logo. They need a new image to distance themselves from being the old Clippers so that their 50 fans can forget about all of the losing. So, what should their new name be? I've come up with three great ideas:
3. The Los Angeles Debacled: Self-deprecation is one of the best forms of comedy. Perhaps if the Clippers embraced that they've sucked all of these years, they'll finally become a perennial playoff contender. And no word is more self-deprecating than "debacled." Well, none that I know of in the Emmittese language.
2. The Los Angeles Strippers: This works on so many levels. There are obviously strippers in Los Angeles. Strippers rhymes with Clippers. And strippers also carries a double entendre, in that it's another word for a player who steals the ball a lot. Plus, if the Clippers change their name to the Strippers, they can have their cheerleaders strip at halftime. Hey, in this economy, you need to do whatever you can to sell tickets, right?
1. The Los Angeles Not-Clippers: This doesn't sound creative, but it really is - believe it or not, this carries a double entendre as well.
A "Clipper" is not a nail-clipper as some may think. A "Clipper" is actually a "fast-moving ship." Scary, I know. So, putting the word "not" in front of it makes a ton of sense because a "knot" is a nautical mile.
If you're not sold yet, consider the following exchange:
"Hey man, I have two tickets to the Not-Clippers game, wanna come?"
"Clippers? No way man, they stink."
"No dude, these are the Not-Clippers. They're awesome."
"Sweet. I'm definitely down."
See? The Not-Clippers would work, and you can't convince me otherwise.
Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet, C, Connecticut
Being a citizen of Philadelphia, I've had the misfortune of watching Samuel Dalembert suck on the court since 2001. He averaged 6.4 points per game this season. It's amazing what $11 million a year will buy you these days.
Being a college hoops fan, I've watched Hasheem Thabeet for three years. I'm not an NBA Draft expert or anything, but Thabeet to me looks like a 7-foot-2 version of Dalembert. Think about it - they're both defensive specialists with absolutely no offensive game. They both have the same frame and are not agile at all. They are both from the Big East. The only difference between the two is four inches and Dalembert's French accent.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Ricky Rubio, PG, Spain
Forum member Puppy Puncher brought up a great point regarding Ricky Rubio's refusal to play for Memphis: "I like how Rubio won't play for Memphis, but wants to go to Sacramento. Is the difference that big? At least Memphis has Mayo and Gay."
I know the answer. Rubio, not being from this country, probably has the following thought process:
"Where do I want to play? Hmm... Memphis? Where is this? Tennessee? Never heard of it. Sacramento? Wowwa weewa, this is in California, very nice! I like the Beach-a Boys yes!!!"
Sacramento Kings: Tyreke Evans, G, Memphis
I like Tyreke Evans. He's a great talent and can play either guard position. Best of all, John Calipari didn't even have to take the SATs for him. Zing!
Minnesota Timberwolves: James Harden, SG, Arizona State
Like I said, I'm not an NBA Draft expert by any means, but I will say this - if there were five rounds in the NBA Draft, I would not take James Harden with the last pick in the fifth round.
Harden embarrassed himself in the NCAA Tournament. In two games against Temple and Syracuse, Harden was a combined 3-of-18 from the field. He scored 19 points and grabbed 13 rebounds, but committed six turnovers.
I'm just upset that Harden didn't come back to school for his junior year. If Harden had another crack at the NCAA Tournament, I'm convinced he would have thrown up in the middle of the court toward the end of regulation. He then would have thrown all of his teammates under the bus, criticized his coaches for benching him and demanded a new contract. Wait, why does that already sound like someone I know?
If you're new to this site, no, I didn't teleport here from the 90s; I refer to the Wizards as the Washington Bullets. I hate political correctness. The reason they changed the name in the first place is because idiot parents and hippie bureaucrats were scared that kids would start playing with bullets. Like there's anything wrong with that.
These are the same people who have changed Little League scoring systems so that there is no score, and that everyone is a winner. Look, if your kid can't catch a ball or swing a bat, he's not a winner. He's a loser and he stinks, and telling him that he's a winner won't motivate him to improve any of his skills. He'll then grow up to become a starving artist who makes $10,000 a year, but believes he'll make it one day because his parents keep telling him that his art is awesome. Dude, your art sucks. Stop hanging out at Starbucks and get a real 9-5. Oh, and you still stink at baseball.
Golden State Warriors: Jordan Hill, PF, Arizona
I'm no California expert, but I'm almost positive that there are quite a few Warrior fans who love the Raiders as well. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to share an awesome e-mail I received from Vincent G. that bashed both the Raiders and the Broncos, gave Josh McDaniels a new nickname and explained the bizarre Jay Cutler trade:
With the ongoing Marshall fiasco, there is only one viable explanation for Josh MisHandles' utter incompetence as Broncos coach.
He's not actually a coach, but an evil spirit sent by Undead Al himself as punishment to arguably his most hated division rival. MisHandles' soul was stripped away and replaced with the blackened one of one of Davis's sacrificed virgins.
Apparently, Al wasn't satisfied that Cutler was getting traded, what with your 8-8 record and all. So he's ordering MisHandles to not pay Marshall so that he will leave and tank Denver even further.
New York Knicks: Brandon Jennings, PG, Italy
Saying the Knicks suck is a pretty obvious statement, but describing how much they suck is a lot more fun. Isiah Thomas kicked things off by handing out trillions of dollars to selfish shooting guards and dealing first-round picks for absolutely nothing. Thomas was fired, but the madness continued. Last year, Mike D'Antoni drafted Danilo Gallinari because he was friends with his father.
Gallinari went on to average 6.1 points per game before missing more than half the year with back surgery. But hey, at least D'Antoni got to eat dinner with Gallinari and his father every night.
So, what stupid thing can the Knicks do on Thursday? Well, I figure they'll think that because Gallinari is Italian, he'll improve with other Italians like Brandon Jennings around him. Of course, Jennings isn't really Italian, but I'm pretty confident that New York's front office isn't aware of this.
Toronto Raptors: Demar DeRozan, SG, USC
Call me crazy, but if I had to leave southern California to work in frigid Toronto from November till late April, I wouldn't be too motivated. I'd have the heat cranked up to 80 degrees and I wouldn't want to leave my house.
And if you're laughing at me right now and thinking that no one else would act that way, please see Exhibit A, Vince Carter's career in Toronto.
Milwaukee Bucks: Jonny Flynn, PG, Syracuse
My reaction to the Bucks-Spurs Richard Jefferson trade: "Holy crap, the Nets really got ripped off!"
Like I said, I'm no NBA expert.
New Jersey Nets: Earl Clark, SF, Louisville
The NBA's not nearly as bad as the NHL, but David Stern really over-expanded the league. If you cut down the number of teams, there's more talent to go around. Also, the more often teams play each other, the better the rivalries will be. So, here are the squads I'd get rid of:
New Jersey Nets: I live in Philly, so I'm pretty close to New Jersey. In my entire life, I met just one Nets fan. That's it. Everyone I know from the "Armpit of America" either loves the 76ers or Knicks. There's no reason there should be a team in New Jersey.
Los Angeles Clippers: Or should I say the Los Angeles Not-Clippers?
Memphis Grizzlies: My friend Jess, an avid Grizz fan, would probably kill me if she saw this, but check out Mempis' attendance rating the past four years: 29th (2008-09), 29th (2007-08), 30th (2006-07) and 26th (2005-06). Fail.
Orlando Magic: The Magic were a third seed and were still 18th in attendance this year. There are no real Magic fans (except for my friend Tom); everyone who goes to their games is just taking a day off from going to Disney World. Actually, I'm just angry that the Magic debacled my NBA Picks and ruined what could have been an epic Kobe-LeBron NBA Final.
Charlotte Bobcats: Terrence Williams, G/F, Louisville
This is from my 2008 NBA Mock Draft, and I'm copy-pasting this because I'm lazy and don't feel like writing anything new to bash Larry Brown:
Larry Brown loves taking extremely athletic small forwards or shooting guards who have tons of potential but no real offensive game. He then rides them on the bench for years until he trades them away for veterans like Tyrone Hill and Haywoode Workman. These small forwards/guards then do nothing until they're in their contract year. They go for 20 and 10, prompting every talking head on ESPN to go, "Wow, he's finally had his break-out year! [Insert team name here] must re-sign him to a max contract!" God, the NBA sucks.
Indiana Pacers: Gerald Henderson, SG, Duke
And now, it's time to bring in our first guest to this 2009 NBA Mock Draft, Emmitt Smith! Take it away, Emmitt:
"The Indianapolis Pacers are now on the clocks. Indianapolis, which short for Indiana, have a big decision to make. Do they take Gerald Henderson from Duke State College, or do they go with B.J. Malone from the Ohio? I find it a li-bit interesting that Gerald Harrison is a SG, which stand for Small Guard. Indianapolis need a small guard, so this pick make a lot of sentences."
Phoenix Suns: Jrue Holiday, G, UCLA
Just a guess, but I don't think Suns fans are feeling any better about getting screwed over against the Spurs in the playoffs a few years ago.
I wrote this last year, but would anyone be shocked if David Stern said the following on Thursday?
"With the 14th pick of the 2009 NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns select... oh wait a second, their card's not here! This team shall be penalized! No one will be able to play the next time they battle the Spurs! Muhahaha! And I shall select the crappiest player in the draft for them! With the 14th pick of the 2009 NBA Draft, I, High Overlord David Stern, selects for the Phoenix Suns, Manute Bol, center, Africa!"
Detroit Pistons: B.J. Mullens, C, Ohio State, 7-0, Fr.
Ah, the life of an average NBA center: Work hard for one year, despite your obvious lack of coordination and talent; sign a 7-year, $450 trillion contract; show up overweight and injury-prone the following season; get cut after two years and sit in your large mansion as you steal money from a clueless organization. I wish I were seven feet tall.
Go to 2009 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwith.