What is this? Welcome to my third-annual Super Bowl Live Blog. I'll be posting comments like this throughout the evening about every three minutes. Keep refreshing this page if you want to check out what I think about the game, announcers, commercials, etc. I'll post my first comment around 5:00ish.
I might have some guest stars, including Emmitt Smith, Jake Plummer and Chase Daniel. Abby (from last year) will be joining me in real life, as will my cousin Lev, who drinks vodka straight. Could be interesting.
5:20: And we're on! Thanks for checking out the Live Super Bowl Blog. The game starts in about an hour.
As Emmitt would say, "The NBC just did an interview with Barrett O'Bama!" Obama predictably picked the Steelers. He also had the Patriots last year. I'm feeling even better about my 6-unit pick.
5:25: Some Jennifer Hudson person will be singing the national anthem. I have no idea who this is. Then again, I thought Hannah Montana was a porn star until my sister set me straight. Hey, don't call me uncool. How am I supposed to know? Debbie Does Dallas, Hannah Does Montana? It only makes sense.
5:29: My sister on John Madden: "Oh my God, he's so old!"
Hey, that's a compliment... At least she didn't say, "Oh my God, he's so fat, he's taking up the whole screen!"
5:31: Poor Matt Millen didn't get to talk about the kickers. This sucks. Luckily, I know exactly what he would have said: "Yeah, who cares!? Both teams have awesome receivers! See, my strategy would have worked if the Lions gave me a couple more years!"
5:35: Forum member Puppy Puncher on my not knowing who Jennifer Hudson is:
HER FAMILY WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED YOU MONSTERS
I'm going to cry now.
5:42: If you missed the post-Larry Fitzgerald interview analysis, here it is:
COSTAS: How awesome is Larry Fitzgerald, you guys?
COLLINSWORTH: Best receiver of all time, baby. Best receiver of all time.
HOLMGREN: OMG Fitzgerald OMG!!!
DUNGY: Fitzgerald is like super awesome and he pwns n00bz!
MILLEN: I told you drafting receivers was the way to go! Ha, take that Detroit! By the way, I'd like to throw it out there that I'm available to take any GM job!
5:47: Forty-five minutes to kickoff, and my sister is already freaking out about being behind on making food. She invited her hot friend Abby over. Two of my cousins (one drinks vodka straight; the other is a chef) will also be making an appearance.
5:50: Oh, and it should be noted that the vodka-drinking cousin is Lev, the same cousin who unjustly kicked me out of his party about two months ago. I've only spoken to him once since. As Emmitt would say, "There might be some fist cuffs!"
5:53: Picks coming up! Who's willing to bet that instead of picking the Steelers or Cardinals, Millen just goes ahead and selects Larry Fitzgerald?
5:55: KFC has cooks? I thought they just deep fried live chickens and then cut them up.
5:57: Rodney Harrison picks the "Pittsburgh Stillers." As do Jerome Bettis, Dan Patrick, Keith Olberman and Tony Dungy. Ronde Barber, Mike Holmgren, Cris Collinsworth and Bob Costas take the Cardinals.
6:00: Millen chooses the Cardinals! I'm getting +185 on the Steelers! I'm going to lay half a unit more on the Cardinals money line.
6:05: I still can't believe the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. I'm going to miss making fun of owner Bill Bidwill's cheapness. I always wondered if Bidwill was given a budget for his bow ties, and instead of spending all of his money, bought 53 of the cheapest bow ties available and stashed the rest of his cash under his bed.
6:07: Steroids are bad. If you take steroids, you're bad. If you're thinking about taking steroids, you're bad. So don't take steroids... because you'll be bad. Mmmmk?
6:11: My sister just freaked out: "Nothing's going right today! I got sauce on my shirt and I have to help Abby bring stuff in! Ugh!"
6:14: The new Julia Roberts movie! Awesome! I'm going to hang myself now.
6:17: What the heck...? How did Kurt Warner's wife become hot? She used to look like a 12-year-old boy. I blame steroids.
6:19: Some guy just walked in and I'm not sure who he is. Here's to hoping he's not a house robber!
6:22: I'd give that national anthem a B- or a C+, but because this Jennifer Hudson person had something sad happen to her... A+!
6:25: Abby is proud that she knows who's playing in the Super Bowl. A week ago, I asked for her Super Bowl pick and she didn't even know who the two participants were. When I asked her to guess, she said:
"I think Carolina...? And maybe Pittsburgh??? But if Pittsburgh made the Super Bowl, we would have heard about it?"
6:28: Abby on John Madden: "He's pretty old."
Again, a compliment. No "eww he's fat!"
6:31: NFC wins the Super Bowl coin toss for the 12th year in a row. That's 4,096:1 odds. With that kind of payout, you could buy an NFL team and actually not ruin it, unlike some of the real owners.
6:33: Kickoff! Steelers to their own 28. Meanwhile, my dogs are barking and people are blocking my TV vision. I'm about to kick everyone out.
6:34: Hines Ward makes the first catch. I just won the Ward prop.
6:40: TOUCHDOWN STEELERS... Wait, never mind. Challenge. I don't think this will be overturned. I guess it's a good thing the Cardinals can score too. Otherwise, I'd start searching for my razors now.
6:41: Abby on the apparent score: "What happened? Did someone score? Was it the Cardinals?"
6:42: Fourth and goal!
6:43: Booo!!! Go for it!!! Mike Tomlin, you're a wuss. (Actually, I'm pretty happy. I think Pittsburgh could score easily.)
6:44: FIELD GOAL, STEELERS. 3-0 PITTSBURGH.
6:48: What's up with the yellow flash on the bottom of the screen on every play? I keep thinking there's a flag.
6:49: And there's the hold. Damn it.
6:51: Cardinals go three-and-out after a quick first down. Should I begin searching for my razors now or after Pittsburgh's next touchdown?
6:54: Pittsburgh's coaching staff is debacling Arizona's. The Cardinals have no idea what to do on defense. This type of confusion resembles every NFL Draft Matt Millen has participated in.
6:55: Great deflection by DRC!
6:56: Abby with a very confusing question: "What just happened? Was that our side or their side?"
Who's our side? What side? I think my nose is starting to bleed. I should just stand in for Charlotte on Lost.
6:58: What the hell was that? Ben Roethlisberger always does that when I bet against him. When I wager on Steelers, he refuses to cover the spread. Single-most frustrating quarterback ever.
7:02: End of the first quarter. Steelers 3-0. About to be Steelers 10-0. Feels like Steelers 90-0.
7:03: My sister on the Fast & Farious: "Again? Really?"
7:08: TOUCHDOWN, STEELERS. 10-0.
7:09: I hope this doesn't turn into a blowout. There's nothing more depressing than a Super Bowl blowout... except maybe horrible Super Bowl commercials. Luckily the past few - Diet Pepsi IMAX (or whatever it's called) and the animal pets - were actually pretty good.
7:13: I want to shoot myself after that Budweiser horse-dating commercial. Can we actually get some naked Danica Patrick commercials? Stupid FCC censorship.
7:21: TOUCHDOWN, CARDINALS. 10-7!
7:22: Great drive by the Cardinals, overcoming a first-and-20 after a mysterious holding penalty that was never announced. We're back in the game! Suicide watch is on hold!
7:23: On the touchdown, Abby's comments:
"I don't care who wins. I'm just happy."
7:25: My sister on the weird dudes in the white masks in the G commercial: "Are those KKK members?"
7:27: The Cardinals can't tackle. This is ridiculous. I'm convinced Abby could tackle better while texting.
7:31: Arizona finally forces a punt. Steve Breaston with a great return! Arizona's 43 yards away from taking the lead!
7:32: Speaking of Abby texting, Abby has begun doing so. This is an improvement over last year; Abby started texting right away in last year's Super Bowl.
7:39: Damn it. What a crappy series for the Cardinals. That chop block was B-S. The lineman was not "engaged" in the block.
7:41: We've reached a new low here. Abby just asked me to pass her phone to my sister because she wanted her to read a funny text she received. For sanity purposes, I hope the Cards cover.
7:42: Interception, Cards!!!
7:44: One in three kids is obese? I'm not buying it. More than two in three. Every kid I see around my neighborhood is fat, and they all piss me off.
7:49: Great quote by the guy I thought was a house robber (his name is Zak): "Remember when the Super Bowl commercials used to be funny? Now, they're just creepy."
Very true. This was said after the strange Cheetos commercial.
7:50: First-and-goal for the Cardinals at the 2.
7:53: Wow. I'm speechless. This Pittsburgh touchdown better not stand. It feels like my heart just got ripped out. It should have been 10-10 at the very worst.
7:57: Touchdown, Steelers. B-S. Touchdown, but whatever. 17-7.
8:00: Some quotes from the forum on the B.S. pick-six:
LOVEMYBILLS: what the flying **** was that
MCNULTY: oh em eff gee
JIMMYP: Badness. Razor blade time.
DRAZTEK: Cardinals just got debacled.
BLEEDGREEN: ...and the Arizona population is cut in half due to self-inflicted wounds.
KOBE_NO_MEANS_NO: ****ing bull**** for sure... unbelievable crap.
FOX: That was the most amazing play I have ever seen. ****ing Steelers.
BKBEAS: Is it OK to cry?
8:08: Bruce Springstein: "Is anyone alive out there!? Is anyone alive out there!?!?"
Me: "Is anyone alive on stage? Because you're old as dirt!!!"
8:15: Great quotes regarding the commercials and the halftime show on the Forum:
Kobe_No_Means_No: Man, ever since Janet flashed her titty on Superbowl there hasn't been any good bands at halftime...
BroncosCon: Walter, we can show a million deaths on TV, but one nipple will bring down our civilization
8:18: Did Walt Coleman just run on stage? So that's why the Steelers are winning!
8:23: Now that Old Man Bruce is done "singing," let's hear from my own sideline reporters, Emmitt and Jake Plummer. Jake, what do you say?
PLUMMER: "I would have never thrown that interception. I was on 2-7 teams that didn't throw interceptions like that. Kurt Warner should have been benched a long time ago."
EMMITT: I have... has no idea how the Arizona... or to be more precise, the St. Louis Cardinals are winnin' this game. Both teams have a chance to go to the Super Bowl, and both teams are grabbin' the opportunities by the throat and stranglin' real hard. I will say the team that win the second half have a chance to not only win the Super Bowl, but to win the Doggone Playoff as well."
8:29: Longest. Halftime. Ever. This feels like I different game.
8:36: How can the refs think that pass was a pick or a fumble? These officials are terrible. Mysterious holding calls that no one saw or announced were bad. The James Harrison non-touchdown was terrible. This one is ridiculous.
8:38: Nice job by BleedGreen for pointing out the grammar error in the 8:29 entry: "I think Walt's drunk... must be drinking vodka with Lev!"
8:40: Incomplete. Thanks for wasting our time and making us watch boring commercials.
8:43: These stupid Budweiser horse commercials need to end now. If the Cardinals had the lead, I'd probably love them. Right now, I feel like a Lions fan during Draft Day.
8:48: Roughing the passer!? Roughing the f***ing passer!? Terry McAuley should have just announced, "The officials... have money... on the Steelers... random penalty, 15 yards... first down!"
8:51: Forum member Eagles4Life is going to hunt me down and kill me if I don't mention that he pointed out that I wrote, "Fast & Farious" instead of "Fast & Furious."
8:53: Intentional grounding??? Please???
8:54: Terry McAuley with the call: "There is no intentional grounding on the play. We have money on the Steelers, and such a penalty would put them out of field goal range."
8:56: Lev just had a sober moment: "Wait a second... the Steelers seem to get a lot of calls in the Super Bowl, don't they?"
8:58: Field goal, Steelers. 20-7. Too bad for McAuley. He might have to sweat out a potential Steelers cover.
9:16: It's depressing when your Super Bowl conversation sounds like this...
ABBY: Why is this Super Bowl kind of boring?
ME: Because this game is fixed, and the officials don't want this game to be close.
LEV: Well, the Seahawks Super Bowl was a lot worse.
ME: Agreed, but it's still pretty one-sided.
LEV: Yeah, why are we even watching this game?
9:20: Arizona almost at midfield. Here comes another penalty...
9:23: Cardinals waste a timeout. Ugh. Why would Ken Whisenhunt study Andy Reid's coaching habits?
9:24: By the way, Terry McAuley has to be sweating bullets right now. He needs to come up with a B.S. penalty before the Cardinals score a touchdown. He has to be thrilled about this timeout.
9:26: TOUCHDOWN CARDINALS, 20-14. Phew. No more shady calls. Yet...
9:31: Big Ben is sacked! Third-and-long! Maybe McAuley just needed the Steelers to cover through three quarters!
9:34: Arizona ball. I just yelled out, "Please no pick-six!" Consequently, I had to explain what a pick-six was to Abby, but that's fine. I don't mind doing that because A) She's hot. B) I'm patient. And C) McAuley appears to be on our side now.
9:36: Personal foul! McAuley is my hero!!!
9:38: Holding! I hate you McAuley!!!
9:40: Oh... God... my heart just jumped. Why would you throw toward Troy Polamalu?
9:41: HUUUUUGE penalty! Yeah, half a yard! Awesome!
9:44: Safety! Holding in the end zone! McAuley is on our side!!!
Please tell us your source who states that Philip Rivers is playing his last season. He has not said that. His agent hasnt said that. His family hasnt said that. Sports reporters havent said that, the Chargers front office has said that. Where the F*** do you have the right to publish FAKE NEWS??? Type liberal FAKE NEWS slime.