Humor – WalterFootball

Jerks of the Week – June 15, 2026

Walt — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 18:43:52 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Preschool Graduation

Before I had kids, I’d sometimes hear parents say something like, “The big day’s coming up! We have our son’s preschool graduation soon!”

I’d hear this and think, “My God, you’re such a loser. Who the f**k cares about preschool graduation? It’s literally the easiest thing ever because all you need to do is show up! There are no pop quizzes, tests, or finals. There are no research papers or group projects. There are no oral presentations or book reports. If you show up at least a few times per month, they’ll graduate you from preschool. Whoop dee freaking doo.”

Well, I’m a parent now, and it saddens me to say that I am now one of these losers. My son Conrad’s preschool graduation was on a recent Friday. It was such a big deal that I had to cancel our Thursday night After Dark show because the ceremony was at 9 a.m., so I needed to get some sleep after doing some work.

And besides, it was a big deal to us. I’m still aware that graduating form preschool is the easiest thing ever, but I realize now that it’s about the journey as a parent more than anything. It felt like yesterday that my son was born. I remember seeing him for the first time and being concerned that he was all purple, and I later panicked when the nurse showed me how to change his diaper because it seemed like the most difficult thing ever. Eleven months later, he started walking, and then he began saying words, and then counting, and then playing video games. It’s only been four-and-a-half years, but he’s come a long way, and I think I have as well.

So, if you’re someone like my past self, rolling your eyes and thinking, “Walt, you’re such a loser. You were right before about it being very easy to graduate preschool,” I will say that you’re not wrong. The individual act may be easy, but the road has been difficult, albeit very rewarding.

The ceremony at this preschool involved the kids doing some choreographed dances to various songs. There were five songs, and by the second one, I was worried about what I was seeing.

Conrad’s choreography seemed, well, kind of off. And that was being kind. He looked like Kyle Broflovski performing at the rainforest in the one South Park episode. He was doing all of the wrong moves, and he kept facing the wrong way. I thought about sneaking out to avoid the humiliation, and I began wondering if the preschool was going to revoke my son’s diploma.

But then, it hit me. Conrad’s choreography actually wasn’t that bad. It just seemed like it was way off because the kid next to him, a boy named Liam, wasn’t doing anything. All he was doing was standing there and mouthing some of the words. He didn’t even move his feet at all. He was effectively a statue, and this seemed to make it look like Conrad’s moves were way off.

And before you yell at me for criticizing some preschool graduate, allow me to say that I admire these statuesque “moves.” As someone who doesn’t move at all when being asked to dance, I can appreciate this lack of movement. I’ve stated many times that I’d rather spend time in a dentist’s chair than dance, and I’ve never joked once about this. If I were in my son’s shoes, and I was asked to perform some choreographed dance, I wouldn’t have moved at all either. And then, some fat guy running a football Web site would criticize me, but you know what? I’d be OK with that.

If you still think that a preschool graduation is worthless, then allow me to inform you that two days later, we were invited to a preschool graduation party.

I never considered that such things existed in my pre-fatherhood days, but if I had learned about it, I would have written a 12-part Jerks of the Year entry on how the hosts of preschool graduation parties were the biggest losers of all time. Bigger losers than this guy, somehow:

Imagine being the LA Times and employing this clown. Holy hell.

Anyway, I feel the same way about preschool graduations. Sure, they’re lame to non-parents, but it’s nice to have some way to celebrate the journey. Besides, my stance is the same about kids’ birthday parties. They’re definitely not fun for non-parents – and any non-parent who attends one of them should probably be investigated – but they’re an opportunity for parents to be social with other adults for a change. I don’t get out of the house much because I run this Web site for a living, so I’m not able to interact with too many grown people. Kids’ birthday parties are a way I can meet other adults.

At any rate, we attended this preschool graduation party. I was worried on the ride over that we didn’t bring any gifts or food. My wife said it wasn’t necessary because the woman hosting this party said she didn’t need any presents or help, but I assumed that this was just her being nice, and my wife completely misread the situation. I figured we’d be kicked out and never invited again, but to my surprise, there weren’t any gifts there. And from the looks of it, no one brought anything either because they didn’t have any fancy dishes. Instead, they had the standard pizza, chips, fruit, and cookies.

This preschool graduation party had a nice setup. There was a bouncy house and plenty of baseball bats and balls that kept the kids busy. In fact, they were too busy because Conrad and my 2-year-old daughter, Lilly, had no interest in eating pizza. And believe me, they aren’t some tootie-fruity city-slicker kids who eat tofu and carbonated cardboard soup. They love pizza, but had no interest in eating it.

As a fat man, I certainly had interest in the pizza. In fact, I’m pleased to announce that I made a great discovery. I tried cheese pizza and Doritos at the same time, and it was exquisite. I’m not joking. I thought it was one of the best things I’ve ever tasted. I imagine there might be some of you who are thinking, “Walt, where have you been?” but I have never eaten these food items together at the same time.

Despite this amazing food discovery, I had one gripe with the party. The beverage choice was horrible. My wife asked if I wanted something to drink, and I told her that I’d want a Pepsi or a Sprite. She returned a few minutes later with a displeased expression on her face.

“Bad news,” she said. “They’re a seltzer family.”

This is one opinion of mine that has never changed. My parents used to have seltzer water on the table at their weekly parties they’d host in the summer. It always looked cool until I tried it, and I thought it was one of the most disgusting things I’d ever put into my mouth. And believe me, as an obese individual, I’ve put many sketchy things into my mouth.

There were three flavors of seltzer. Given that I didn’t have any other options, I tried them all. The limeade and the raspberry were gross. The pink lemonade wasn’t as bad, but I’d still almost consider drinking my own urine to quench my thirst.

I wish this seltzer obsession wasn’t common, but it is. I know so many people who only have seltzer as drinking options at parties, and I want to burn it all to the ground. My dream would be sneaking into a seltzer factory and planting bombs all over the place so I could detonate them, and then there’d be no seltzer ever again.

Now that would be worth celebrating.

Finally, the Santa Photos! More Jerks of the Week:
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Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2021: Vaccine in Pool Lady, Temperature Fiend and Murphy’s Law Man
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Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2021: Current Events
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Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2021: The Jekyll and Hyde Gym Patrons
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2021: Frank Sebastiano
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2021: A Sad Easter For My Not-So-Secret Admirer
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Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2021: The Megan Muggle Interview
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2021: The $300 Snitch
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2021: Water Up the Butt
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2021: Melvin Capital, Citadel and Other Hedge Funds
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2021: Dumb Bears
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2021: The Christmas Quarantine
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2021: The Return of No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2021: Thanksgiving Farting
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2020: One Big Happy Family
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2020: The 20th Anniversary That Never Was
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2020: The Voting Sticker and the Lockdown Hypocrites
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 7, 2020: Joey and the Diaper-Trained Duck
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2020: Double Belly Button Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2020: The Most Cowardly Man on the Planet
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2020: Barbara and the Starving Child
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2020: Halloween 2020
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2020: InvestScorpio
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2020: FilipinoCupid.com
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2020: The Great Antifa War of Labor Day
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2020: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2020
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2020: Death Wishers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2020: Mask Karens at Starbucks
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2020: Annoying Kids in My Neighborhood
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2020: Giant Bean Stock Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2020: Voice Actors
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 5: The Positives of Pandemic Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 4: Masks, Burgers and Twigs
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 17, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 3: The Evil Mosquito Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 2: Meeting a Porn Star
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 1: Airport Amid a Pandemic
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2020: Happy Uncle's Day
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2020: Jerks of the Gym While Not at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2020: Back to Restaurants
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2020: Lockdown Lunatics
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2020: YouTube Workout Videos
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2020: CHAZ Losers
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2020: Quarantine Stories III: My Dog's Lover
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2020: Quarantine Stories II
Jerks of the Week - June 1, 2020: Quarantine Stories
Jerks of the Week - May 25, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 7: Mr. Critique, the Galloping Horse and the Case of the Disappearing Kids
Jerks of the Week - May 18, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 6: Peruvian Problems and Taco Island
Jerks of the Week - May 11, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 5: Hot Women with Hair Problems
Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 4: The Best Burger Place in the World
Jerks of the Week - April 27, 2020: ESPN's 2020 NFL Draft Coverage
Jerks of the Week - April 20, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 3: Strippers and Salsa
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 2: The Adventures of Leonys Maroney III
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 1: The Adventures of Maximillian Cucumber, the VIII
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2020: April Fools and April Truths VIII: Coronavirus Edition
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2020: Dumb People in the Wuhan Coronavirus Pandemic
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2020: Wuhan Coronavirus
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2020: Car Inspections
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2020: Star Trek Picard
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2020: Nephtali Diaz
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2020: 2020 Oscars Golden Academy Awards and the Dana Schwartz South Park Tweet
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2020: The Golden Global Awards and the British Royals
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2020: Tiny Lifeguard, Cookie Monster Lady, Handsome Men in the Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2020: Worst Best Dinner Ever: My Nifty Fifty's Saga
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2020: Millennials and Man Buns
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2020: Happy New Year, 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2020: My New Dog, Raven
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2019: The Return of Facebook Beggar
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2019: Daughter for Sale
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2019: Mall Joker
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2019: Downton Abbey: The Movie
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2019: Our Healthcare System
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2019: The Most Popular Musicians
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2019: It's Raining Men
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 11, 2019: Trick-or-Treaters, 2019
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2019: The Mark Zuckerberg Testimony
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2019: The Worst Beer Purchase
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2019: The Worst Song Ever
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2019: Bank Robbers (Including Me)
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2019: Dumb Parents, Irrelevant Pregnancy and MeUndies
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2019: Horny Hot Tub Guys
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 5: The Many Random Jerks of Las Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 4: The Suicide Squad and the Blowup Doll
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 3: Mojito Bro's Concubines and Casino Narc
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 2: Mojito Bro and the Cabana Crew
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2019: The Word "Stupid" and Birthday with the Nephews
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2019: The Sensory Deprivation Chamber
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2019: Jerks of the Baltimore Wedding: Part 2
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2019: Jerks of the Baltimore Wedding: Part 1
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2019: Welfare Shouting Match and FAAAAARKS!!!!!
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 5 - Attack of the Black Flies
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 4 - Sewage Water and No Hot Dogs
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 3 - More Poop Encounters
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 2 - Sherlock's First Day at the Beach
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2019: The 10-Year Jerks of the Week Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2019: Bingo Night
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2019: The One-Year Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2019: The Abomination That Was Game of Thrones: Season 8, Episode 5
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2019: Return to the Poop Gym
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2019: Saladworks Weirdos
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2019: Taco Hell, 2019
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2019: Wedding Ablaze
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2019: The Worst Waitress of All Time
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2019: AsianDating.com
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2019: April Fools and April Truths VII
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2019: Hibachi Restaurant Hates Me
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2019: Scott Sports
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2019: Flies in My Salad
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2019: Rat Feces in My Pizza
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2019: Someone Hit on Me at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2019: Adventures at the Chinese Buffet
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2019: A Million Little Things
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2019: 2018 Christmas Commercials
Jerks of the Year - Dec. 31, 2018: The Facebook Beggar
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2018: Dairy Queen and Cold Stone Creamery
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2018: Cat Lady, Thanksgiving Woman and the Shower Hags
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2018: Thomas Middleditch Verizon Commercials (Again)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2018: Slow and Sucky Subway
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2018: Battle of the Sexes
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 19, 2018: Stories of Bill Cosby, Gym Vacations and Cheesesteaks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2018: Jerks at the Zombie Circus
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2018: Halloween
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2018: Jerks of the Gym: Where's the Peef?
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 4: My Near-Fight at Cowabunga Bay
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 3: A Serial Killer Bird and Twin Peaks, the Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 2: The Mandarin Oriental Pool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2018: YouTube Personalities
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2018: Friends from College
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2018: Aladdin on Broadway
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2018: The Beach Weekend Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 6
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 5
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 13, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 3
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2018: Jerks of the First Mall Trip as a Married Couple
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 4
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 3
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2018: Jerks of My Bachelor Party - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 4, 2018: Jerks of My Bachelor Party - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2018: The Unhappy Meals
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2018: The Countdown, the Pervert and the Woman from Hell
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2018: Jerks of Chik-fil-A
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2018: Ballad of the Three Wawa Trips
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2018: Jerks of Boston Market
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2018: A Very S***ty Day
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2018: Jerks of the Niece's Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2018: The Nearly Forgotten Jerks of My Mom's Birthday
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2018: April Fools and April Truths VI
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2018: Katy Perry
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2018: Tipping Starbucks Cashiers
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2018: Mega Jerks at the Gym
Jerks of the Year - March 5, 2018: Nazi Hot Tub Man
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 26, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 19, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 12, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 5, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 29, 2018: Smart Barista, Dumb Comcast Worker and Best Friends
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 22, 2018: Johnny Manziel's Cousin and the Lifesaver Mint Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 15, 2018: Crappy Italian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 8, 2018: Pre-Christmas Jerks
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 1, 2018: The 12 Things I Hate About Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 25, 2017: The Walnut Grove Township Meeting
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 18, 2017: Hallmark Movies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 11, 2017: Verizon Guy
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 4, 2017: My Friend Drew, and the Craziest Facebook Conversation Ever
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 27, 2017: Angry, Old Men, and Sara the Starbucks Scumbag
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 20, 2017: More Jerks at the Card Show
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 13, 2017: Goodbye, AIM
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 6, 2017: I Have a Beautiful Figure Again
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 30, 2017: Haunted Attractions
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 23, 2017: Streaming Hipsters and CBS All-Access
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 16, 2017: The Gym Cesspool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 9, 2017: Hayley Geftman-Gold, Redskins Marching Band Play, Memes Chip Guy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 2, 2017: Shirtless Hooligans at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 25, 2017: On the Road to Margate
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 18, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 11, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 4, 2017: Pathetic Jokester, Conspiracy Theorist and Hot Tub A**hole
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 28, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 5: Not Hurricane Harvey, But Apparently Close
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 21, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 4: Expensive and Mysterious Food
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 14, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 3: Stupid Kids and Murderers in Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 7, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 2: Razor Bombs and the High-Five Heist
Jerks of the Week - July 31, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 1: Spawns of Satan on the Airplane
Jerks of the Week - July 24, 2017: The Return to My LA Fitness
Jerks of the Week - July 17, 2017: The British Invade LA Fitness!
Jerks of the Week - July 10, 2017: July 4, Bureaucrats and Narcs
Jerks of the Week - July 3, 2017: Jerks at Sahara Sam's
Jerks of the Week - June 26, 2017: Unicorns, Cheapskates and Stalkers at Starbucks
Jerks of the Week - June 19, 2017: Jerks at the June Wedding
Jerks of the Week - June 12, 2017: The Eighth Day at Best Buy
Jerks of the Week - June 5, 2017: A Crappy Saturday
Jerks of the Week - May 29, 2017: Plagiarism Accusations
Jerks of the Week - May 22, 2017: The Best Buy Trilogy: 2017 Edition
Jerks of the Week - May 15, 2017: Trouble at Water Aerobics Class
Jerks of the Week - May 8, 2017: Jerks at the Card Show
Jerks of the Week - May 1, 2017: Wendy's
Jerks of the Week - April 24, 2017: Jerk of the Year: Hackers
Jerks of the Week - April 17, 2017: Pepsi Commercial, McDonald's Commercial, Twitter Blockers
Jerks of the Week - April 10, 2017: New Marriage, Angry Marriage
Jerks of the Week - April 3, 2017: April Fools and April Truths V
Jerks of the Week - March 27, 2017: Get Out and the Death of Macy's
Jerks of the Week - March 20, 2017: Talking Buses and the Quarter Thief
Jerks of the Week - March 13, 2017: Baja Fresh and Food Douches
Jerks of the Week - March 6, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2017: The Warning, the Weasel and the Weirdo on a Whacky Wednesday
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2017: Tales from the Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2017: Skeletor's Hot Takes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2017: Walter Goes to Harrisburg, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2017: Walter Goes to Harrisburg, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2017: Self-Entitled Douche Bag Kids
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2016: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2016: Relaxation Saturday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2016: My Best Friend's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2016: Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 2: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2016: Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2016: Cobb Salads and Gym Desk Workers Who Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2016: Halloween and the Election
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2016: Grub Burger Bar
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2016: Old Lady Hate, Old Lady Love
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2016: Timeless
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2016: The Vuse Odyssey
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2016: Seven Years
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2016: Tales of the Ailing Foot
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2016: Twelve Girls, Five Boys, $55 Million, and the Future
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2016: Dead Man in My Pool
Jerk of the Year - Sept. 5, 2016: Colin Kaepernick
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2016: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland. Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2016: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland. Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2016: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2016
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 8, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 4: Prostitutes and Macaroni and Cheese
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 1, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 3: Cowabunga Bay
Jerks of the Week - July 25, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 2: The Blue Man Group and the Spanking
Jerks of the Week - July 18, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 1: Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2016: Jerks of the Birthday Party: Knee to the Balls
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2016: Shirtless Fish Tank Man and Facebook Douche
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2016: Twitter Social Justice Warriors
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2016: Getting Lost and Poisoned
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2016: Sad Mushrooms, Lonely Potatoes and Angry Men
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2016: Water Aerobics
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2016: Bar Conversations
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2016: Tales of Five Errands
Jerks of the Week - May 9, 2016: Adventures at Acme
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2016: The Italian Cafe
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2016: Toxic Hell, Revisited
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2016: Starbucks Sucks
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2016: Jerks of Bizarro Rite-Aid
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2016: April Fools and April Truths IV
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2016: Battle of the Gyms: Old Gym vs. LA Fitness
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2016: Random Pictures on My Phone
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2016: Meshack and Marco Manilla
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2016: Lucifer
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 29, 2016: An Afternoon at McDonald's
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2016: Night at the Spa: My First Massage Ever
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2016: Surprise in a Box, Crazy Woman at the Bank, Dumb Girl at the Spa
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2016: Macaroni's
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2016: McPick 2
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2016: Seeing Star Wars
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2016: Powerball
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2016: December Heat Wave
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2016: The Top Five Jerks of 2015
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2015: Christmas Shopping Without a Baby
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2015: Christmas Shopping with a Baby
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2015: Mad Mex
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 7, 2015: Famous Dave's
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2015: Another Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2015: The Trip to Pennhurst Asylum
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2015: Halloween 2015
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2015: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2015: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2015: The Shirtless A**hole Brigade
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2015: Weight Gain and VANDALISM
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2015: Jerks of the Gym Pool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2015: Papal Visit 2015
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Second Trip, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Second Trip, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2015: Tubing Down the Delaware: A Near-Death Experience
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2015: Jerks of My Birthday - A Surprise in My Bed!
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 5: Slot Machines and Random Vegas Stuff
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 4: Sportsbooks, Whore Houses and Michael Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 17, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 3: Vegas Dining Experiences
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 2: Mandalay Bay Hotel
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2015: Cookies, Chips and Bombs
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2015: Stupid People in My Neighborhood
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2015: Sherlock Walt, and the Cases of the Scrambled Eggs and Missing Pepsi Bag
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2015: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference - 2015 Edition
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2015: Tales from the Baby Pool
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2015: Uzbekistan
Jerks of the Week - June 1, 2015: Memorial Day Grocery Shopping at Giant
Jerks of the Week - May 25, 2015: A Tale of Four Neighborhoods: Con Artists, Dog Poop and a Stolen Watch
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2015: Roger Goodell
Jerks of the Week - May 18, 2015: Catching Up on Gym Jerks: Two Abominations, Two Creeps and a Monster
Jerks of the Week - May 11, 2015: A Racist, a Woman-Beater and a Horse - the Greatest Sports Day Ever
Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2015: Puppy-Training Classes
Jerks of the Week - April 27, 2015: Gym Jerks - with Pictures!
Jerks of the Week - April 20, 2015: It Follows
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part II
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015: April Fools and April Truths III
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2015: The Old Man, the Heroic Man, and the Desperate Man
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2015: The News: Predators, Mushrooms, the Weather and the Undead
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2015: Valentine's Day Gifts
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2015: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2015: Gym Patrons and Their Mistakes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Twitter Idiots
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein

2027 NFL Mock Draft - June 16

Fantasy Football Rankings - June 14

NFL Picks - Feb. 9

NFL Power Rankings - Jan. 26

Jerks of the Week – June 8, 2026

Walt — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 09:28:16 +0000

Jerk of the Week: What Do We Do When Times Are Tough?

There’s an old saying that goes, “Kids say the darndest things.”

I don’t know where this saying originated from, or who even said it in the first place. I suppose I could look it up on the same laptop I’m typing this Jerks of the Week entry on right now, but I don’t feel like it. I suppose I’ll never know, and I’m OK with that.

I also don’t know where I first heard this quote, but I do know that I never thought anything of it until I had kids of my own. My son Conrad is four, and my daughter Lilly is two, and they are now both having full conversations with me and my wife. Sometimes, Conrad will say something profound, like he’ll give me facts about ocean animals he heard somewhere. I can’t verify if what he’s saying is true or not – sense a pattern here? – but it sounds real, and so I’ll go with it.

I’ve also heard Conrad repeating little-known facts I’ve told him to other people. For example, when Wyndham Clark won the Byron Nelson Classic – we had him at +4000 – I told Conrad when I saw the final result, “Wyndham Clark almost broke the course record.” Two hours later, I heard Conrad tell my wife, “Hey Mommy, do you know what happened at the Baron Nissan Classic? Winston Clark almost broke the course record!” It would have been much cooler had my wife cared, but she just shrugged her shoulders and yelled at the kids because they weren’t eating dinner. Who could possibly eat dinner when there are cool golf facts to share!?

While I’d love to say that Conrad always says very intelligent things, he sometimes rants about garbled nonsense. For instance, he enjoys watching me play Resident Evil – the classic remaster that was initially released on GameCube and then re-released on the Switch – so sometimes he likes to excitedly speculate what will be on future Resident Evil titles.

“Daddy, do you know what’s going to be on Resident Evil 10?” he once asked me. “The first boss is going to be a tiger, and he’s going to be called Tyrant, and he’s going to be a half-shark, half-tiger, and he’s going to have claws and big teeth, and if he bites you once, he’s going to poison you to death, and then you’re going to die, and then you can beat the next level, and guess who’s going to be the boss of Level 2? It’s going to be the giant snake, except he’s mixed with the giant spider, and he’s a giant spider snake and he’s going to poison you, and then you’re going to die.”

I would say that I hope my son gets to fulfill his dream of becoming a video game designer with all of these terrific ideas, but with AI growing exponentially, he’ll be able to just write a prompt and create this video game on his own. I can’t wait to play it because it sounds like a blast.

I’m not the only one Conrad talks to about Resident Evil. I was pushing him on the swings one afternoon. There was a 6-year-old girl on the swing next to him. I’ve mentioned her in a prior Jerks entry. Her name is Nala, and when I said, “Oh, like in the Lion King,” she put her hands on her hips and said, “Nooo, not like the Lion Kiiiing…”

Conrad and Nala were playing together at the playground down the street from my house this afternoon, so they naturally wanted to go on the swings at the same time. She’s old enough to swing on her own, but I had to push Conrad because at four, he doesn’t know how to swing on his own yet. Thankfully, this allowed me to listen to their conversation.

Conrad and Nala were discussing who could swing higher and faster when Conrad decided to switch gears. He looked at Nala with a serious expression on his face and asked a profound question:

“Do you know what I do when times are tough?”

I almost fell to the ground. That’s how hard I was laughing. Nala’s mom, who was standing in the vicinity, heard this question as well. She also had a great laugh.

Nala, conversely, didn’t think there was anything wrong with this question. She just asked, “What?”

Conrad replied, “I like to play Resident Evil when times are tough.”

I had to interject because what he said was factually incorrect.

“Conrad, you don’t even play Resident Evil,” I corrected him. “You watch me play!”

Conrad snorted. “Ugh, Daddy!” he groaned, as if he wanted to impress his friend.

“Hey, you better hold on to the swings,” I said. “Because you looked like you were going to fall just now, and if you fall, then times will really be tough for you.”

Nala’s mom burst out in laughter, and I couldn’t blame her. I can only imagine what Conrad would do if he had to endure the Covid lockdowns, the 2008 financial crisis, 9/11, and an afternoon of being stuck watching the Rosie O’Donnell Show one day during high school. If only I had thought to play Resident Evil to get through all of those tough times!

Conrad said/did one other funny thing recently that I’ll share. One of his other slightly older female friends in my neighborhood is a 7-year-old girl named Avery. I’m not sure how Conrad is always able to hang out with these older women, but I’m impressed.

At any rate, my wife set up the sprinkler on our front lawn during a 90-degree day. Avery, Conad, and Lilly ran through the sprinkler a few times before transitioning to a game of hot-and-cold. If you’re not familiar with this game, one player is supposed to hide an item – a tennis ball in this instance – and the other player is tasked with finding it. The hider then either says “getting hotter,” “getting warmer,” or “getting colder,” depending on how close the seeker is to the hidden item.

Avery hid the tennis ball first, and Conrad had one minute to find it. Despite the hot/cold clues, he failed because Avery squeezed the tennis ball into a toy car Conrad and Lilly sometimes ride around the neighborhood.

It was Conrad’s turn to hide the tennis ball. Avery closed her eyes and counted to 20. Conrad, however, was torn on where to hide the tennis ball. When Avery crossed into double digits, Conrad realized that he was running out of time. He then excitedly lunged toward my wife’s car and hid the tennis ball under the car. He was so enthusiastic about hiding the ball that he yelled, “It’s under the car!”

“Nineteen, 20!” Avery shouted. She then quickly looked under the car and reached for the tennis ball without receiving a single hot/cold clue.

“Oh no, how did you know it was there!?” Conrad whined.

“Connie, you quite literally yelled that the tennis ball was under the car when you hid it!” I exclaimed.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot!” he yelped.

I guess you could say that losing so miserably at hot-and-cold qualifies as tough times. Sounds like there will be more Resident Evil viewing in store for Conrad in the near future.

Jerks of the Week – June 1, 2026

Walt — Sat, 30 May 2026 09:02:19 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Finally an X-Ray!?

This is Part 3 of my ankle X-ray saga. Here are links to Part 1 and Part 2. If you don’t feel like clicking those links, here’s a rundown of what transpired to lead me on a 3-month journey to procure an X-ray on my ankle:

I sprained my ankle in November when I was walking to my car. Yes, I’m that pathetic and fat. What really transpired is that my daughter pointed up at the moon because it was out during the afternoon, an event that occurs only a few days per month. I looked up and then took a step, thinking I was still on the sidewalk. I wasn’t on the sidewalk anymore. My ankle turned 90 degrees, and I cursed for the first and only time in front of one of my kids.

Thinking it was a simple sprain, I waited a few months until it healed. By the time it was February, I came to the realization that I might need to see a doctor and get an X-ray for an injury.

I called my doctor’s office, and they told me that he was booked for weeks, so I had to see another doctor there. When the appointment finally arrived, the doctor gave me a prescription for an X-ray.

I went to the local radiology place to get an X-ray, and they told me I had no referral. I gave the lady with a big butt working there my script, but she said I needed a referral. She called my primary care provider (PCP), but they told her they weren’t my PCP even though I had been seeing the same doctor for about 25 years! Apparently, my insurance removed my PCP, so I had to leave the radiology place and re-designate my doctor as my PCP.

I re-designated my doctor as my PCP, but I had to wait a few days for my referral. I called and left a message for it, but never got called back. A few days later, I did the same thing. Still, nothing. I called a third time, and I finally got through to someone. The guy told me I could get a referral for an X-ray if I had the radiology place’s VN number. I had to call them to get it. The guy at the doctor’s office couldn’t do that for some reason.

I managed to retrieve the VN number but once again couldn’t get a hold of someone at my doctor’s office. I left a message. After not hearing back from them, I called them again and finally got the prescription.

I went to the radiology place again. After waiting for a half hour, a woman with curly hair laughed at me, and I didn’t know why until another woman told me that everyone went to lunch, and I’d have to wait a while as a result. Realizing that the curly-haired woman laughed at my expense because I didn’t know about the lunch hours, I left with the intention of coming back a couple of days later.

I returned a couple of days later with an hour to spare before the radiology place’s lunch hours. Some idiots with masks were seen before me even though their name wasn’t on the sign-in list. An hour later, I wasn’t seen, and I had to leave once again because everyone at this radiology place needs to have lunch at the same time for some reason.

And thus, you’re all caught up on my tale of woe. Would I finally get an X-ray on my ankle in Part 3 of this godforsaken series? You’re about to find out!

It had been more than three months since I scheduled the initial doctor’s visit for my ankle. I walked into the radiology place an hour and 15 minutes prior to their precious lunch hour, expecting to see countless doofuses wearing masks, but there was no one there. I looked at the sign-in sheet, and there were no names on the list. I couldn’t believe it, but it finally seemed to be my lucky day!

I waited for about five minutes before a middle-aged woman emerged from the back, summoning me to her office. She asked to see my prescription and referral, and I eagerly gave her the papers. She began entering something into the computer, but then she said “Hmm,” and stopped.

Hmm? No hmm! Please keep typing! I want my damn X-ray!

“This cold number doesn’t match,” she said.

“Cold number?” I asked.

“Hold number,” she corrected me, and maybe herself. “The hold number is different on the script and the referral.”

“Is that bad?” I asked.

“Yeah, you can’t get an X-ray if the hold numbers don’t match.”

You can’t possibly understand how angry I got. I’m usually rather stoic, but I was mad enough to fling everything off of this woman’s desk.

Why the f**k do hold numbers matter? All I need is a f**king X-ray. Does the radiologist need to know what hold number I have on my referral when she presses the button to X-ray my ankle? Obviously, no, so why did this whore of bureaucracy need the damn hold numbers to match!?

I was expecting this woman to tell me to leave and come back later for the fourth time, but she told me that I could call my doctor’s office. My heart sank because I knew that they never pick up the phone. I called them, expecting the worst, but to my utter surprise, someone answered. I told them my dilemma, and they transferred me. It suddenly occurred to me that the department they transferred me to could go straight to voicemail, but the gods were smiling upon me that day because someone else also answered.

I once again explained the situation to this person.

“Did you say the cold numbers don’t match?” asked a woman with a southern accent.

“I think it’s hold numbers and not cold numbers,” I replied. The bureaucratic whore confirmed.

“Now, do you mean cold numbers as in beginning with C, or hold numbers beginning with H?” she asked.

Oh, good grief. Why are there cold numbers and hold numbers? Didn’t the a**holes designing this demonic system consider that they sound the same and could be confused with one another? Or was that the intention?

I told her that it was, in fact, a hold number with an H, so she gave me the correct hold number. I read it to the bureaucratic whore, and she nodded and said, “That’s all I need.”

That’s all you need? Great. You nearly sent me home because a couple of digits were mixed up, a**hole!

The woman told me to wait in the lobby for the radiologist. It wasn’t much of a wait because two minutes later, the back door flung open, and there stood my nemesis, the woman with the gray curly hair.

I half expected the woman with the gray curly hair to laugh at my expense once again and shriek, “Guess what, dearie, it’s time for an early lunch, muhahahaha!” Instead, she led me back to the X-ray room.

“Please remove your clothing, and please tell me what that is for,” she said, pointing at my hoodie. I was confused.

“What, this hoodie?” I asked.

“Yes, what is it for?” she asked.

“It’s a bit cold outside,” I said.

“Oh, I see,” she said.

You see? Do you? Why did you need an explanation for my hoodie requirement? What was going on here?

“Sit on the table, and I will X-ray your leftmost ankle,” she said.

“Leftmost ankle?” Do people sometimes walk in with two left ankles? Why did she word it like that?

Fortunately, this procedure didn’t take very long. She took three or four X-rays, and I was done. I asked her when I’d get my results.

“It usually takes two business days, so you’ll get it on Monday,” she said.

“Oh OK, well, Monday is Memorial Day, so I’ll probably be getting it on Tuesday then,” I said.

“If you believe in such holidays, then yes,” she said cryptically.

So, if I didn’t believe in Memorial Day, I’d get the results on Monday? Is that how that works? I’m beginning to think this woman laughed at me because she has lost her mind.

OK, well, I finally had my X-ray on my left ankle, and if you have your calendar handy, you know that this procedure was completed on Thursday, May 21 because Monday, May 25 was Memorial Day, for those of you who believe in such holidays.

What are the results of the X-ray, you ask? I wish I could tell you, because I don’t know either!

I expected someone to call me on Tuesday with the results. When that didn’t happen, I assumed the long weekend screwed up the schedule, so I figured I’d get a call on Wednesday. And when that didn’t happen, I called my doctor’s office on Thursday morning. I somehow didn’t get an answering machine again. I asked about the X-ray, and received a discouraging answer.

“We never got an X-ray for your ankle,” said the receptionist.

WHAT!?!??!?

“You’ll have to call that radiology place and ask them to fax it to us,” she said.

You’ve got to be kidding me. Why did my doctor’s office not get the X-ray? Where was it?

I called the radiology place and got an answering machine. Of course I got a f**king answering machine.

“We’ll process your request within 24 hours,” the machine said.

I left all of my information. I gave them my doctor’s fax number. And guess what? I once again didn’t get a callback the next day.

It’s now June 1. I still have no X-ray results. I waited more than three months just to get an X-ray, and the results haven’t been sent even though six business days have passed.

Will I ever get the results? I have my doubts. I’m confident there will be a Part 4 of this series where I will continue to rant about how I can’t get any answers about my injured ankle. Stay tuned!

Jerks of the Week – May 18, 2026

Walt — Sat, 16 May 2026 08:02:20 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Is Burger King the New King?

I’ve ranted about fast food restaurants many times throughout my Jerks of the Week entries in recent years. It’s been several months since I’ve done so, however, so allow me to do it again.

A fun part of my childhood was going with my mom and my sister to McDonald’s. Being a child, I loved the food, but that wasn’t the best part. That was when my mom would allow us to have fun in the iconic McDonald’s play place. We had a blast going through all of the slides and playing in all of the ball pits. Sure, we probably contracted dozens of viruses from other kids, but that just built up our immune systems. I had a stretch between 2016 and 2022 where I didn’t get sick a single time!

Something I did think about as a child – and still do to this day – is how this guy climbed on top of the Hamburglar jail play area:

I’m the young kid on the right, and the other two boys are my mom’s best friend’s children. The one inside with me was about my age, while the one on top of the Hamburglar is a few years older than me. I’ve seen this picture since I was five years old, yet I still have no idea how this guy got on top of the Hamburglar. I’d ask this guy, but he lives halfway across the world right now, and I’m not friends with him on social media, so I have no way of obtaining the answer. Alas, this will mystify me until I’m old and gray.

Nevertheless, look at all the fun we were having. I actually remember this day vividly because I was excited to hang out at the McDonald’s play place with my two pals. And I’ve even visited this same area as an adult, which sounds like something a creeper on the Epstein List would say, but in reality, my wife and I took our nephew Zach there when we were babysitting him for the day. As a 3-year-old, Zach repeatedly went down the slides and had a blast.

That was nine years ago. Zach is now 12, and the McDonald’s play place is now completely gone. This McDonald’s location transformed from this:

To this:

Think about how dumb you would have to be to think that an ugly gray building would be a better option than a colorful one that attracts families. No wonder no one goes to McDonald’s anymore. Granted, it doesn’t help that all of the food is much more expensive now than it was long ago, but the fact remains that the McDonald’s near my house almost always has an empty parking lot. No one is in there, and when I say “no one,” I mean no one, including the workers. This McDonald’s has three uninviting kiosks and an empty counter to the right of them. The only time you ever see a McDonald’s employee is when your food is ready, and some pimply kid carries it from the kitchen and places it on the counter. That’s the only human interaction you’ll ever get at McDonald’s these days.

So, I’ve ranted about this multiple times, as I’ve said, and I just assumed that every fast food place – Burger King, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc. – followed the same trend: no play place, no human interaction, much more expensive food. However, I learned recently that this was not the case.

My sister recently had a birthday party for her 6-year-old daughter at Burger King. When I heard this, I was confused.

“What are the kids going to do, play with the kiosks?” I asked.

Little did I know that they would have a great time. I didn’t see it myself because I was busy working the NFL Draft that day, but the Burger King near my sister’s house has a big play place. It’s even indoors, so children can play in there when it’s raining or snowing. I would have loved such a thing when I was a kid because there were far too many McDonald’s play place plans ruined by inclement weather.

While I didn’t get to take my kids to this play place because of my work schedule, I filed away the possibility of doing so in the future. So, when my wife announced that she would have a rare work day on a Saturday evening, I decided to take the kids to Burger King for dinner. I called my sister, and we agreed to meet there for some unexpected fun at a fast food restaurant for the first time in nearly a decade.

The Burger King play place was as great as advertised. There was no Hamburglar jail that some kid could climb on top of somehow, but the play place had a massive jungle gym with slides and platforms. My kids ran in excitedly and only exited if they wanted to drink some water or go to the bathroom.

So, they had fun, but would they be able to eat well? McDonald’s food is gross now, but I thought it was delicious when I was a child and didn’t know any better. I ordered chicken nuggets and French fries for both kids, while I got a Bacon King, fries, and mozzarella sticks for myself. This is the same order I make when I go to Arby’s, which has been delicious since they decided to buck the dumb vegetarian trend and go the opposite direction with their “We Have the Meats” campaign. Everyone is shocked when I say this, but Arby’s has been incredible since they made this change. If they had a play place, I’d take my kids there every other day.

I was shocked by Burger King’s food. The fries were great, and the burger was only one step below Arby’s cheeseburger. The mozzarella sticks, well, let’s just say that I would regret that decision later.

Still, Burger King checked all the boxes. And it even provided Jerks of the Week material, albeit not in a great way. Our kids were the only ones there for a while, but a large woman brought in four of her children. One of them, a girl of about six, was allowed to bring a bunch of toys. She laid them out all over the play place and was adamant about not letting any of the boys play with them. Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, she spilled her marbles all over the place.

“Oh no, Lilliana spilled her marbles again!” the mother squawked.

Again? She’s done this before? Why is she bringing marbles to a fast food play place? And who the hell still plays with marbles anymore? I had marbles back when I was five in 1987. I didn’t even know they were still a thing, let alone a cool enough toy to bring to Burger King.

This wasn’t the only problem child in the play place. Unfortunately, the other one was mine. My 2-year-old daughter Lilly was able to play with Lilliana because she was a girl. Unfortunately, my 4-year-old son Conrad didn’t get along as well with Lilliana’s brother. I didn’t catch the kid’s name, but he looked like he was eight or so. I heard him and my son arguing in the play place.

“My dad’s older than your dad!” Conrad yelled.

“No, my dad’s older than yours!” the kid shouted in response.

Good lord, why the hell does this even matter? And it’s not like they have anything to go off of because Conrad never met the kid’s dad, and the kid never met me.

Conrad then yelled, “Daddy, how old are you?”

I sighed. I’ve answered this question a million times, so I told him the answer. Conrad then snorted, “See?”

This wasn’t the worst part, however. Minutes later, the 8-year-old emerged from the play place holding his stomach.

“Moooommm, that kid kicked me in the balls!” he whined.

Oh no. Conrad emerged seconds later, and I ordered him to come to me.

“Did you kick that kid in the balls?” I asked.

“No, Daddy, he’s lying! I kicked him in the stomach!” he replied.

Well, at least there wouldn’t be permanent damage. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that we’ll likely be banned from Burger King’s play place if Conrad’s bad behavior persists. So much for me taking my kids to a fast food play place.

Jerks of the Week – May 11, 2026

Walt — Fri, 08 May 2026 09:05:22 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Shrinkflation at Red Lobster

Some people collect baseball cards when they are kids. Others collect action figures or Barbies. Some collect stuffed animals, comic books, or Pogs. Remember Pogs?

And then, there are some kids who collect crab legs. Yes, crab legs. If you don’t believe me, you’re reading the words of one person who collected such things as a child.

My parents’ favorite restaurant long ago was Red Lobster, and it didn’t take me too long to fall in love with it as well. I’d dream about cheddar bay biscuits if I didn’t have them for a while, and I would always order the fried shrimp. In fact, Red Lobster renamed its entree of fried shrimp to “Walt’s Favorite Shrimp.” For a long time, I believed Red Lobster named this dish after me, and to be honest, I kind of still do.

At any rate, my dad would always have leftover crab legs from his meal, and as a kid, I was fascinated by them. I asked my parents if I could take them home so I could collect them, and after some hesitation, they obliged. I was able to amass a large number of crab legs from all of my trips to Red Lobster. I’m not sure what became of them. Perhaps my mom threw them out, but if not, then they might be in my basement closet somewhere, right next to my old baseball cards.

I don’t go to Red Lobster very much these days. The last time I went was for my cousin’s birthday in 2025, and we were once again invited for this same occasion this year. My kids weren’t too keen on the idea because they wanted to go to Red Robin instead, but they became excited once I told them that they would be able to see real, live lobsters in a tank in the lobby.

“I want to see lobsters!” my 2-year-old daughter Lilly exclaimed repeatedly on the drive over to the restaurant. I was hoping one of my two kids would express interest in collecting lobster tails, but they didn’t seem too interested.

The trip over took longer than a normal drive to a restaurant because we had to go to the Red Lobster in a nicer location than the one in Philadelphia. It’s a shame because I used to always go to the Philly one with my parents, but the neighborhood has declined. We first noticed this when pimps would come in with their hoes, and I’m not even joking. There would be at least three pimps with three hoes each there, which is not a very suitable environment for children. I promised my kids real, live lobsters; not real, live ladies of the night and their bosses. Thus, the trip to the Oxford Valley Red Lobster was necessary.

We entered the restaurant and noticed that my parents hadn’t arrived yet, so we had to wait for them. That was fine because that gave my kids enough time to stare at the lobster tank. The lobsters, of course, weren’t doing much, but the host came over and took one out of the tank so my kids could see it up close. They got a big kick out of that, so allow me to demonstrate that I’m not completely negative in these Jerks of the Week entries.

And now, it’s time for the negativity, because two other things stood out as we were waiting. The first was some porky 12-year-old kid who emerged from the men’s bathroom with what looked like his dad. I heard him say, “Can we go into the women’s bathroom!?” When his dad shook his head, he insisted, “Come on, I really want to go!” So, he was either a pervert who wanted to check out how women were peeing, or he was one of these mentally retarded people who thinks he’s a woman despite clearly being a guy. I hope for the sake of humanity that it’s the former because we don’t need more gender-confused weirdos running around and accosting women in their bathrooms.

The other thing that caught my eye, or rather my nose, was an older gentleman who entered the restaurant. He was wearing an Eagles jersey and had a slight limp. He stood out because, and I’m not exaggerating about this, he had the worst body odor I’ve ever smelled from another human being. My sense of smell ordinarily isn’t even that sharp, and yet this man’s stench was so insufferable that I thought I was going to faint. Even minutes after walking away, his lingering stench still wafted through the air, so I began wondering if I was the person who smelled. I took a shower the prior day, so luckily, it wasn’t me, though I suppose there’s always a chance my t-shirt got mixed in with my box of crab legs.

My parents finally arrived, so we went to sit at our table. I devoured six or seven cheddar bay biscuits, while my kids finally opened up to my cousin’s family after being shy initially. Lilly began dancing in her chair, while my 4-year-old son Conrad tried telling a joke he once heard me deliver. He was amused with the classic, “Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate/eight nine.” Unfortunately, his delivery wasn’t as great, and neither was his accuracy with the joke.

“Why was seven afraid of eight?” he asked the table. “Because eight killed nine!”

That was certainly a different spin on the joke. Meanwhile, when my cousin Mila asked Lilly if she wanted some of her red slushee drink, Lilly replied, “No, it has red dye in it.” The table erupted in laughter; this was a 2-year-old saying that, after all!

It wasn’t all positive at the table because I was greatly disappointed when my entree arrived. It was Walt’s Favorite Shrimp, of course, but the plate looked rather empty. Walt’s Favorite Shrimp used to come with 12 fried shrimp, and you could pay a bit extra to get 18. Rather than 12, my plate contained just eight fried shrimp. What a rip-off! I know the non-AI economy sucks, but how could Red Lobster penalize its customers with a 33-percent shrinkflation rate? Ten fried shrimp would’ve been bad enough, but eight!? Ridiculous!

Making matters worse, it was difficult to eat because Lilly was getting squirmy. “I want to leave!” she constantly said after she was halfway done her dinner. She then tried to get up because she wanted to go see the lobsters, so I had to hold her to prevent her from running back to the lobby.

Lilly is smart, however, so she began to tell me that she had to poop. Of course, I had to take her to the bathroom, and when we got there, she’d say, “I don’t have to poop but now we can look at lobsters.” So, we’d look at the lobsters for a minute, and then head back to the table. And two minutes later, she’d tell me that she had to poop again.

We went back and forth to the bathroom on four occasions, and she never pooped. The one pleasant aspect of this was that there was this cute brunette girl at a table on the way to the bathroom who sat with two older women, and she smiled at me every time. I don’t know if she thought I was attractive, or if she was amused by how fat I was, but I’d like to believe it was the former so I could get a boost of confidence. If it is the former, however, there’s a good chance that she’s mentally deranged. Mentally deranged enough to also collect crab legs? Perhaps.

At any rate, Conrad caught wind of this plan and also exclaimed that he had to go to the bathroom. Conrad, unfortunately, does not listen, and so he wouldn’t hold my hand on the way to the bathroom/lobster tank. He bounced all over the place, and the cute brunette girl laughed at the proceedings.

“They don’t listen!” I exclaimed.

It’s been about 38 years since I first collected crab legs from Red Lobster. I didn’t pass along my weird hobby to my kids, but they were at least able to prompt a smile and a laugh from an attractive woman. I’d call that an upgrade over a collection of smelly crab legs.

Jerks of the Week – May 4, 2026

Walt — Sat, 02 May 2026 07:55:32 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Party in the Woods

Fifteen years ago, a Jerks of the Week entry entitled “Party in the Woods” would have meant something completely different for me. My friends and I used to party quite often in those days, so much so that some Jerks of the Week readers told me that they used to live vicariously through me. My friends and I would go to the bar all the time, and they’d often come back to my house after closing because it was so close to the bar. Sometimes, some of my friends would end up leaving my house at 6 a.m. – and then we’d go out again the following night!

A party in the woods back then would mean that my friends and I were invited to a drinking party in the woods, though even then, I’d have my reservations. I hate the outdoors unless being outdoors means being at the beach or by the pool. I despise the idea of being in a forest, where nothing can possibly end well. Even if you have a sexual encounter, you have to worry about bugs crawling on you, mosquitos biting you, and bears possibly ending your life. Call me crazy, but I’d rather stay at home, even if it means people crashing there until the early hours of the morning.

Of course, “Party in the Woods” has a different meaning now. I have two kids – my son Conrad is four, and my daughter Lilly is two – so any parties I attend these days are for children. I’ve written about a few of them, including one where a guy criticized me for having too many slices of pizza on my plate. However, those were all parties Conrad was invited to attend. That changed recently, as Lilly finally got an invitation of her own.

My wife works at a daycare – no, she’s not a Somalian front man for a money-laundering establishment – and one of the kids there was having his third birthday party. His mom told my wife that when she asked him, “Who do you want to invite to your party?” He quickly answered, “Lilly!”

And that is how we were invited to a party in the woods. Granted, we didn’t know it was actually going to be in the woods, but that was one of the surprises that awaited us at this latest kids birthday party.

We had severe issues finding this party. We drove into the wilderness that was so barren, my wife, who loves mountainous, forest-type places, said, “I would never want to live up here. If it snows, you could be trapped for a month!”

I, on the other hand, hate mountains and forests, and I had a growing concern that we were going to be eaten by hill tribesmen or Puka Nacua. Fortunately, that was not the case, as we were able to locate the party.

A well-endowed Asian woman rushed over to greet my wife with a hug, which I took as being normal because they know each other from the daycare. The well-endowed Asian lady then hugged me, even though we had never met prior to this day. Look, I’ll never turn down a hug from a well-endowed Asian lady, but it still struck me as strange that she would hug a person she met for the first time.

The well-endowed Asian lady introduced us to another couple, while the kids all played in the bouncy house. The wife was an attractive Asian woman, while the husband was a portly white man with a goofy expression on his face. My wife began talking to the woman, so I introduced myself to the guy, hoping I could strike up a new friendship.

“Hi, I’m Walt,” I said.

“Hi, I’m Mark,” he replied.

Mark. Has a nice ring to it. I could see Mark becoming a good friend. Maybe even a great friend. And maybe even a best friend.

“How do you know the birthday boy’s family?” I asked.

“I’m Mark,” he replied.

“Yeah, I heard,” I answered. “What do you do for work?”

“I’m Mark,” he repeated.

OK, maybe this guy wouldn’t be my best friend. Oh well!

Fortunately, I didn’t get stuck talking to Mark and his one-liner for very long because the well-endowed Asian woman introduced her husband, a tall, white bald man. He asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I was tired, so I replied, “Do you have a Coke or a Pepsi?”

The well-endowed woman looked worriedly at her husband, who said, “I’ll have to see if I can dig one up for you.”

I replied, “If it’s too much of a hassle, it’s not necessary,” but he already took off in search of one. My wife then excused herself because she had to go to the bathroom. She returned 10 minutes later with a can of Diet Coke.

“Here’s your Coke,” she said.

“Ugh, but it’s Diet Coke,” I replied.

“Walt, he looked really hard for your Coke, so you better drink it and look like you’re enjoying it,” my wife said sternly, but also quietly enough so no one would hear her.

He looked “really hard” for it? What did he do, complete the Odyssey for this can of Diet Coke? Why was it so difficult? And why did he and his wife have this concerned exchange when I asked for caffeinated soda? I would soon discover the answers to my questions.

Before I learned those answers, I met other parents at the bouncy house. My kids didn’t want to leave, so I was able to talk to other parents as they shuffled their kids in and out of the bouncy house.

A serious-looking Asian woman and a bearded white man approached as soon as I received my can of disgusting Diet Coke. I found this couple peculiar because they had their son wear a bicycle helmet into the bouncy house.

“It’s for your own protection,” the mother said.

“But mom, I don’t want to wear a helmet in the bouncy house,” the kid whined.

“You have to,” she said. “What if you hit your head!?”

Oh yeah, better make sure he doesn’t hit his head in the bouncy house. Those are famous for giving children concussions!

The next couple approached minutes later. The woman was an attractive Asian woman wearing a pretty dress, while the man was a nerdy-looking fellow who parted his hair to the side.

“Hello, my name is Jellington,” the nerdy man said.

JELLINGTON!?

I don’t even know if that’s the correct spelling, but Jellington!? Who the hell named their kid “Jellington?”

“I’m Walt,” I replied.

“Nice can of Diet Coke you have there,” Jellington said.

“Oh yeah, Diet Coke, mmm, so good,” I lied, per my wife’s instructions.

Now, you may have noticed a trend. If not, let me tell you: Every single couple at this party, except for me and my wife, comprised a white man and an attractive Asian woman. Every single couple. There were no exceptions, save for us.

It was very strange. I don’t have anything against it, but what were the odds? It was either purely coincidental, or these people were somehow in some sort of club where either white men were able to meet attractive Asian women, or the Asian women were able to meet white men. If that were the case, and I had known about it 15 years ago, I would have been very upset that I wasn’t invited.

At any rate, everyone at the party was nice, but there were two issues. The first was that there wasn’t much to eat. Once the kids were finally done jumping around, we went to the deck area where they had the “food.” I’m quoting that word because the only things on the table were the following:

Chunks of watermelon
Potato chips
A ketchup bottle
A bottle of cream soda

No wonder the well-endowed Asian lady’s husband went on such an arduous trip to find me a can of Diet Coke. Jellington, who knew these individuals, must have been so shocked to see a can of Diet Coke, which is why he told me that I had a nice can of Diet Coke. It was like I had some rare relic in my possession.

The hosting couple eventually brought out mini-cheeseburgers, which were great, but they were devoured very quickly because everyone was so hungry. Couldn’t they have just ordered a few pizzas?

The second issue was that everyone was forced to remove their shoes to enter the house. I don’t have a problem with this, except the kids were constantly running in and out of the house, so constantly putting on and taking off my sneakers was annoying.

You might be wondering why I didn’t just keep my shoes off, and I’ll tell you: Because the deck was a death trap! There was a huge hole in the wooden deck, big enough for my entire foot. Just as we were leaving, one of the kids didn’t look where he was going, and half of his leg went into the hole. It was probably covered in splinters.

My wife told me to take the kids into the house to go to the bathroom before we left. Sick of removing my shoes for the 27th time, I decided to forgo it because it’s not like I was going to be in there very long anyway.

As I stepped in, I could sense the house getting quiet. Half of the adults in the room stared at my shoes and then gave me an angry glare. Even Jellington looked like he hated me. I tried to feign like I forgot and muttered, “Oops, I forgot to take these off,” but it didn’t look like anyone bought it. The husband of the well-endowed Asian woman looked like he was thinking, “Your can of Diet Coke cost me an arm and a leg, and you won’t even take off your shoes!?”

You know, I’m beginning to realize why I wasn’t invited to these white men-hot Asian women socials.

Jerks of the Week – April 27, 2026

Walt — Sat, 25 Apr 2026 08:49:47 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Elusive Ankle X-Ray

I constantly joke about how obese I am in these Jerks of the Week entries, but the truth of the matter is that I haven’t been super fat most of the time. I’ve joked about it in self-deprecating fashion because I used to be extremely fit when I swam in high school and college. I rocked a six pack and was pure muscle. I’m pretty sure I measured in at 5-foot-9, 135 pounds during my freshman year in college, and yet I could bench 225 pounds. I had girls telling me that I had a hot body. And I’m not talking about those fake girls you make up in your head, or the inflatable kind you can have sex with and be free from rejection. I’m talking real, living, breathing girls!

Things have certainly changed since then. I stopped swimming competitively just after I turned 22. Without countless hours that I’d normally spend in the pool or at the gym freed up, I was able to concentrate on building this Web site. Professionally, it was great. It came at a cost, however, and that was my physique. I was still in good shape until I hit 27, but that’s when I suffered my first back injury. I couldn’t exercise as often, but I still tried to swim a mile five times per week. My six pack gradually vanished, but I wasn’t completely obese, but that changed in 2020. Idiots shut down the gyms due to the Covid scam, and once everything reopened, my son was born. Going to the gym was no longer an option most days – and especially so once my daughter was born 20 months later.

Despite working 60 hours per day on the Web site and spending a lot of time raising two young kids, I don’t think I could have quite characterized myself as morbidly obese. I was an extremely fat man for sure, but morbidly obese? Not when my daughter was born.

Things, however, have taken a turn for the worse. I am certainly obese right now, and that is no joke. To prove it to you, I was over my parents’ house with my kids. My mom, who hardly criticizes me, walked by, looked at me, and said, “Walt, you really need to lose weight.”

Indeed. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m still 5-foot-9, but I’m now 230 pounds. I’m not quite sure, but I think there’s a small moon orbiting me.

So, what finally pushed me over the obesity edge? One fateful walk to my car.

I wrote about my sprained ankle a couple of months ago. You can click the link and read all about it, but in case you don’t feel like doing so, the quick rundown is that I sprained my ankle carrying my daughter to my car. I thought I was still on the sidewalk when I took a step into the street. The false step caused my ankle to turn 90 degrees. It was one of the most physically painful moments I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I’m someone who was once got raped in the butt with a cucumber by a hot bartender.

It took a while for me to see my doctor, but he prescribed an X-ray for me because the sprained ankle hadn’t healed after three months, preventing me from doing any sort of meaningful exercise to keep my weight down. Getting an X-ray proved to be impossible, however, because while the doctor gave me a prescription, he didn’t give me a referral, and I couldn’t get a referral because my insurance company removed my primary care provider for some reason. I had to re-request my doctor of nearly 25 years as my primary care provider, but the doctor’s office had me call the X-ray place to ask for some sort of ID number so they could carry out the referral. That is where I left off in the previous Jerks of the Week entry. I figured that I’d be able to finally get an X-ray to determine why this ankle sprain hasn’t healed after five months. I never thought my tale of woe could get any worse, but oh, how wrong I was!

It took three messages saved to an answering machine for me to finally obtain a referral. Whenever I called my doctor’s office, I was redirected to an answering machine. I don’t know if my calls were being screened due to the PCP fiasco, but it certainly seemed like it.

Three weeks and three voicemails later, someone from my doctor’s office called me back and confirmed that I now had a referral to get an X-ray. After a bit more than four months, I’d finally be able to discover what was wrong with my foot!

The woman at the doctor’s office called back on a Monday and told me to wait 48 hours, so I went to the X-ray facility on Wednesday. I arrived to see only one man sitting there. He looked like a meek old man with squinty eyes, thin glasses, and skin that resembled sour milk. He happened to be wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates jacket, which is not very common around the Philadelphia area.

I looked at the sign-in sheet and noticed that his name wasn’t on the list. There were several names that were crossed off, so it’s not like there was a new sheet. I wondered if he simply forgot to sign in, so I asked him if he did so.

“Yethp,” he answered.

He had a lisp, but where did the “P” come from at the end of “yes?” I get the “th” because of the lisp, but why make the “P” sound?

Regardless, I found it odd that his name wasn’t there. As obnoxious as the “P” sound and the Pittsburgh Pirates jacket were, it still felt wrong that he could end up waiting for longer than he had to, so I wanted to make sure.

“Oh OK, because there’s not a name on this list,” I replied. “Are you sure you signed in?”

The Pittsburgh Pirates guy looked up from the magazine he was reading, looking very annoyed.

“Yethp,” he repeated.

OK, fine, but if you end up sitting in the waiting room for hours, don’t blame me!

Minutes later, a woman with curly hair emerged from one of the doors. She walked to the sign-in sheet, so I expected her to summon me to the back area. She glanced at the sign-in sheet and then looked up.

“Mr. Collins, we’re ready for you,” she said, beaming at the Pittsburgh Pirates guy.

Wait, what? There was no Mr. Collins on the sign-in sheet. I even got up and looked at it afterward to make sure. I confirmed that there was no Mr. Collins, so where did she get that name? And why wasn’t I called because I was the only name on the list that wasn’t crossed off?

Before I got up to make sure, I noticed that the woman with the curly hair smirked at me, as if she thought there was something amusing about me. I checked for boogers, but there weren’t any. I sat back down after staring at the sign-in sheet for a minute, wondering what happened. A minute later, an Indian doctor woman with a long ponytail walked to the area and looked in my direction.

“Are you waiting for an X-ray?” she asked.

I told her that I was, and she shook her head.

“The X-ray department is closed from 12 to 1 for lunch,” she said. “I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t waiting for an hour.”

I checked my phone, and it was exactly noon. Is this why the woman with the curly hair was smirking at me – because she knew I’d be waiting for another hour? And why didn’t she warn me? First, she ignored my name on the list, and then she wanted to make sure that I’d be trapped in this waiting room for an hour. What a major b**ch!

I decided to call it a day. I couldn’t linger for an hour because my son had to be picked up from preschool. As I went home, I wondered why an entire department would be closed. Wouldn’t it make sense to stagger the lunches? Couldn’t half the department eat from 12-1 and the other half eat from 11-12 or 1-2? How does it make sense for everyone to eat at the same time, when it would only screw over customers?

Nevertheless, I made sure to arrive earlier next week. I figured that getting there at 11:20 would give me enough time, even if there happened to be another deranged lunatic ending his yeses with a “P.”

I’ve only seen one other person in the X-ray area during my two trips, so my heart sank when I walked in and spotted four people in the waiting area. However, I approached the sign-in sheet and saw that everyone’s names were crossed off again. Three of these people were sitting off to the side, and two of them were dumb enough to be wearing masks in 2026, so I figured that they may not have been there for X-rays. The two individuals wearing masks were likely dropped off from the local psychiatric ward.

I signed in and sat down. Once again, the woman with the curly hair emerged from the back room. I expected her to smirk at me again, but she didn’t seem to notice me. Instead, she went to the sign-in sheet and announced, “Mrs. Diaz?” A woman sitting next to me got up and followed the woman with the curly hair to the back room.

Again, I was completely befuddled by what just happened, and I once again inspected the sign-in sheet carefully. There was no Mrs. Diaz anywhere. What the hell was happening!?

Time passed quickly as I waited. You’d think this would be a long process, but there was the noon deadline, and it was quickly approaching! My only source of entertainment was watching how much money I was losing on my Tesla calls and hearing a little girl ask her mother when my phone chimed for a received text message, “What is that noise?”

“I don’t know,” the woman replied.

The mother wasn’t one of the idiots wearing a mask, but she and her daughter were clearly from the mental facility as well, given that they didn’t know what a f**king text sounded like.

Minutes later, the woman with the daughter was called back by the woman with the curly hair despite Mrs. Diaz not emerging from her procedure. It was just me and the masked lunatics, and it was suddenly 11:45. I began to panic. Was I once again going to get screwed out of an X-ray procedure? Surely they’d call me before the masked morons, given that they were definitely not on the sign-in sheet, right!?

The woman with the curly hair emerged again. She wandered to the sign-in sheet.

“Mr. Frost?” she asked.

Both of the dorks in masks stood up and followed her back. The curly haired woman then flashed me another smirk, as if she had been waiting the entire time for it.

I can’t believe she called the masked imbeciles before me when they weren’t even on the sign-in sheet. People wearing masks in society right now should be spit on. They should have to wait through lunch – not me!

I glanced at my cell phone. It was 11:54. Six minutes remaining for me to be called back.

11:55. Only five more minutes.

11:56. A man emerged from the back room with a plate of food and went to the microwave area.

11:57. Crap, my Tesla calls were worth even less now!

11:58. Should I leave now and save myself two minutes?

11:59. Come on, curly haired woman! Come on!

12:00. Lunch time. I got f**ked again.

Great. I wasted 40 minutes waiting for a f**king X-ray that I’ve been trying to get for several months, and I couldn’t be seen because four a**holes, including two dumbasses wearing masks, and a woman who didn’t know what a f**king text sound was, were called back when they weren’t even on the f**king sign-in sheet!

It’s now been five months since I sprained my ankle, and I still haven’t gotten a f**king X-ray. Meanwhile, I continue to get more and more morbidly obese because I can’t exercise. It’d be nice if I could get an X-ray and then see a podiatrist to figure out what’s wrong, but undergoing a simple procedure has proven impossible for me.

At this rate, I’m convinced I’m never going to be able to get an X-ray. Oh well. Maybe I’ll suck some more moons into orbit.

Jerks of the Week – April 20, 2026

Walt — Sat, 18 Apr 2026 10:12:08 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Samauri and the Auctioneer

If you don’t have kids, you may not know that they get extremely moody and whiney sometimes. And I’m not even referring to teenagers who think their parents are spawns of Satan after being grounded for the weekend.

My kids, Conrad and Lilly, are four and two, respectively, and they sometimes have some serious fits. Just the other night, Lilly broke down in tears because she wanted to take a bath at my mom’s house instead of in her usual bath tub. I planted her in our bath tub anyway, and all she did was cry uncontrollably the entire time.

Conrad, meanwhile, gets extremely moody when he’s not able to play video games. On a recent Thursday, it was a beautiful, sunny day in the 70s. Lilly wanted to go to the local park where there’s a great playground. Conrad, conversely, just whined, “I want to play my Mario game.”

Whenever one of my kids whines, I have the perfect solution. All I say is, “Don’t be a Lauren Garble.”

Lauren Garble is a code name for a friend of mine. She’s nice, but is known for being the biggest whiner on the planet. I can tolerate lots of bulls**t, so I never cared too much about it, but other people get sick of her easily. I once introduced her to some other friends, and as soon as she left, they asked, “Does she usually whine all the time?”

I told them that, unfortunately, she does. Whenever we spend time together, I can count on three, “Myyyy heeeaadddd huuurrtttsss,” and two, “I haaave a blliistterrr oooonnn myyy foot,” and one, “Myyy ppaareenntss woooon’t ppiiicck uppp thheee ppohhhonnnee.”

The last one is true. From what I’ve gathered, her parents don’t like talking to her too often because she’s so negative. And I can’t blame them. I once heard that she went to a wedding when she was in her 30s, and didn’t like what they served on the menu, so she whined to one of the wait staff, “I dooonntt liikeee theeesee oppttioonnss, caaan I ggeeet grilled cheeeeseee innnssteead?”

They gave her grilled cheese, which is what only the kids at the wedding had. Unbelievable.

You might be wondering why I’m friends with this person. Well, I’ve known her since high school, and like I said, I can tolerate lots of bulls**t. I know, however, that other people can’t, so whenever my kids whines, I immediately reply, “Uh oh, sounds like Lauren Garble is in our house!” And then I pretend to whine, “I ddoooon’t wwannnaaa goooo oouutttssiide, myyyy heeeaaddd huuurrtsss.”

This usually works. Lilly simply responds, “I don’t like that!” Conrad, meanwhile, goes, “I don’t want my mom and daddy to hate me like everyone hates Lauren Garble.”

This is how I was able to convince Conrad to join us at the park, which turned out to be a Jerks of the Week-packed trip on a beautiful day.

I could tell that we were in for an interesting day because I had a Jerks of the Week encounter before even stepping foot in the park. I drove my kids to the park, and as I was pulling into the parking lot, I realized I couldn’t get in because this guy blocked the entrance with his big, obnoxious pickup truck. I waited for him to move, but the guy – a bulky, bald, middle-aged man – just stood there, leaning against his truck as he spoke to another dude.

I waited a minute, and he didn’t move. I honked my horn lightly, but he just ignored me and continued to talk to his buddy. I honked again, and he finally acknowledged me. Instead of going, “Oops, I’ll move my truck,” he motioned his arm, basically telling me to drive over the divider. So, that’s what I did, risking the integrity of my tires. Luckily, they survived.

Speaking of being lucky, the pickup truck guy could be described as such because there was a samurai patrolling the playground, and that samurai didn’t notice this horrible behavior.

Yes. You read that correctly. There was a samurai at the playground. I know there’s no way in hell that you believe me, so I made sure to take a picture. Here he is:

Now, I imagine that you might have some questions, like, where is his sword? My guess is that he forgot it at home because he eventually brandished a tennis racket and began carrying it around as if it were his trusty blade. There’s also the possibility that this samurai chose to operate on “hard mode,” as in that he knew he could slice any enemies into pieces with his sword, so he wanted to see if he could do so with a tennis racket.

My money was on him being a samurai because he looked extremely badass, encircling the playground vigilantly with his trusty racket. I only wish this samurai was able to witness what a douche the pickup truck guy was with blocking the entrance of the parking lot. I’d bet anything that the samurai would make mincemeat out of the pickup truck guy with his tennis racket. Hard mode, shmard mode.

If you’re wondering why the samurai was patrolling the playground, quite simply, he was keeping the peace.

One of the kids at the playground was a fat boy who looked like he was about eight. He was older than most of the other kids, and he tried to take advantage of that.

The fat boy grabbed a bunch of wood chips and put it on one of the benches. He then gathered some more and repeated the process a few times. He then made an announcement.

“Everyone, I have pizza!” he shouted. Half the kids at the playground ran over to him.

“I’m going to start the bidding on the pizza!” he announced. “Let’s start with $1. Can I get $1? Yes, you there, with the booger on your nose, $1, can I get $2? Yes, you there, with the shirt with Paw Patrol on it…”

The auctioneer continued to receive bids. I would have stopped this if my kids were involved, but they were not. The samurai, however, had more honor than me. He rushed over and threatened to beat the fat kid with the tennis racket as he shouted what sounded like Japanese obscenities at the boy.

And just like that, the auction was over. The samurai kept the peace.

The samurai wasn’t the only noteworthy adult at the playground. There was this smokeshow of a brunette woman who had something atrocious attached to her, but before I show you what exactly that was, I’d like to mention her child because he was being a dick to my daughter.

There’s this tall climbing section of the playground that leads up to the biggest slide. It’s quite challenging for any 2-year-old. In fact, Conrad just mastered it, so I didn’t have much hope for Lilly. But she tried to climb it. I began to move over to her so she wouldn’t fall, but I didn’t have to oversee her because some boy who looked like he was five, began scolding her: “This is for grownups like me! You’re a little baby, so you can’t climb it! Only grownups like me!”

OK, a**hole, you don’t have to be so mean. Still, he was right. There was no way Lilly could have done it herself.

I didn’t have to say anything to this kid because his mom did. She rushed over to him and began yelling at him for being mean.

This woman, as I said, was a smokeshow. She was a brunette Russian woman who reminded me of this girl I knew in college named Lisa. I had a crush on her, but I never had a chance because with her pretty face and monstrous jugs, she dated some guy on the football team. This mother looked exactly like Lisa, as if she could have passed for her younger sister.

Lisa Jr., as I’ll call her, looked great, but then she turned around, and I saw it. I’ll show you:

She had a giant tattoo running down her entire arm. You may not be able to see it, but it was covering her entire forearm like a sleeve.

I hate tattoos on women. Small ones are OK, but something as obscene as this is just gross. I always say that women getting tattoos is akin to putting bumper stickers on Lamborghinis. It ruins the entire aesthetic, so why do it?

See, this is where we truly need samurais. If only we could position samurais outside of every tattoo parlor in America, and threaten tattoo artists who would deface beautiful women – even if by tennis racket – the world would truly be a better place.

Jerks of the Week – April 13, 2026

Walt — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 09:51:56 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Whacky Pizza Party

Someone once told me that they lived vicariously through my Jerks of the Week tales. Of course, this was long ago when I used to frequent bars with my friends. I was in my late 20s back then, and I lived within walking distance of my local bar. We had lots of fun there, including one experience where a hot blonde bartender pretended to rape me up the butt with a cucumber because her dad read about her in one of my Jerks of the Week entries.

Life is much different these days. I’m in my mid-40s, and outside of one work meeting with a fellow YouTube sports personality, I haven’t been drinking at a bar in nearly a decade. I’m married with two kids, so those days are long gone. Now, I am the one who must live vicariously through some other fat football Web site owner with his own Jerks of the Week-type section.

This was clear on a recent Sunday when I walked into a pizza parlor with a bar on one side. Some guys were drinking at the bar, and there was an attractive blonde bartender behind the counter. She was pretty and had a short black shirt, exposing her stomach. She surely would have qualified for Jerks of the Week if this were 15 years ago with me striking out while trying to impress her. I probably would have gotten another cucumber up the bum, too.

This new bartender girl locked eyes with me and looked like she wanted to ask if I wanted anything to drink. Then, she closed her mouth because she saw my entourage, which was no longer a dozen people my age desiring beer or liquor. Instead, I had my 4-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter with me, so she knew exactly why we were at this establishment. We were here for a kids’ birthday party.

Now, you might be wondering why there was a kids’ birthday party at this pizza-bar joint, a place in Northeast Philadelphia called Whacky Zaki’s. My 9-year-old niece Mila loves the pizza at Whacky Zaki’s so much that it’s the only pizza she’s willing to eat, and no, I am not exaggerating. She will literally not eat any pizza if it’s not from Whacky Zaki’s. Thus, when her mom – a.k.a. my sister – asked her where she wanted to celebrate her ninth birthday, she said Whacky Zaki’s.

I thought this was an odd choice for a birthday party. Whacky Zaki’s is a fine local pizza parlor/bar, but it didn’t exactly seem conducive for a children’s birthday party because they didn’t have any arcades or games for kids to play. There were some video gambling machines, which entertained my dad, but there was nothing for children. My sister, however, recognized this and prepared some games for the kids to play, so it ended up working out.

The only negative I’ll have to say about this restaurant, and it’s not really their fault, was that it was very cramped. There were two tables set up – one for the kids, and one for the adults – and they were very close together. It took me minutes to get from one end of the table to the other if I needed to get a soda, or something. Also, I was kicked at least three dozen times by people sitting next to me.

This happened so often that I suddenly had a flashback to fourth grade. In art class, I sat across from Jessica, the prettiest girl in our class. She would often play footsies with me, which in hindsight, was agonizing because I didn’t do anything about it. Criticize me all you want, but I was a 9-year-old chicken wuss who didn’t know what to do with girls. Unfortunately, getting kicked over and over again at my table wasn’t nearly as pleasant as my footsie experience with Jessica, who, by the way, became a teenage mom in high school. You might say I was smart to dodge that bullet, but I actually blame myself. If I hadn’t ignored Jessica’s advances, perhaps she wouldn’t have ventured down a dark path in her life. It’s all my fault, and getting kicked repeatedly at this party reminded me of that.

Fortunately, the food arrived quickly, and I forgot all about how responsible I was for the downfall of Jessica’s life. I never had the chicken wings at Whacky Zaki’s before, but they were great. The pizza was served shortly later, and I was able to get a slice of pepperoni before the rest of the pie was moved to a side table.

I tried to take a bite out of my slice, but it was too hot, so I put it down and had another chicken wing while I waited for the pizza to cool. A woman I never met before somehow walked by the crowded area and ventured toward the pizza to get a slice for her daughter. She then asked the table if anyone wanted a slice of pepperoni while she was up.

A couple of people raised their hands. I did as well because I knew I’d want more than one slice of pizza, and it was going to take eons for me to get out of my seat and walk to the pizza.

The woman handed slices of pepperoni to the others, but then looked at me and shook her head.

“You already have a slice,” she said and then walked away.

What the f**k? Why would she do that? Yes, I had a slice, but did she expect me to eat just one, considering how fat I am? And under normal circumstances, I could have gotten up to get more, but the place was so cramped that doing so was impossible.

Luckily, my brother-in-law ended up sitting next to the pizza location, so he kept feeding me slices. I ended up having five. I considered leaving the pizza crusts as evidence for the smug whore who wouldn’t give me pizza so I could rub it in her face that not only did I get another slice; I was able to devour four more.

Now, you might be wondering, “Walt, I can’t believe you ate only five slices of pepperoni pizza – I thought you were fatter than that!” It’s true, but don’t blame me! When they wanted to serve dessert, the person in charge of cleaning up asked, “Is everyone done eating pizza and wings?” I had pizza in my mouth, so I couldn’t say anything. Instead, I raised my hand, but the woman completely ignored me and began boxing up the pizza. The pizza now became out of reach from my brother-in-law again, so no one was able to give me pizza anymore, which made me a very sad, obese individual.

Luckily, dessert was great. My sister made a delicious vanilla cake and even better chocolate cupcakes. I had one of each, only because no one would give me two of each.

My daughter ended up having a chocolate cupcake as well, but she initially wasn’t interested in anything because she was a bit overwhelmed. When I held her and asked, “Do you want cake or a cupcake?” She answered, “I want a lollipop.”

At that moment, one of Mila’s friends said, “I have a lollipop.”

I turned around and saw a 9-year-old girl with a blue tongue. She obviously just had some sort of a blueberry lollipop, and she was holding out an unwrapped lollipop toward us.

“Oh wow, thank you!” I said.

I reached my hand for the lollipop, thankful that this nice little girl was willing to hand my daughter exactly what she wanted. To my surprise, she pulled her hand away.

“No, this is mine!” she exclaimed and then marched back to her seat.

Wow. So much for her being a “nice little girl.” I imagine she’ll go down the same dark path as Jessica, assuming the nice boy she flirts with is a chicken wuss like I was.

Jerks of the Week – April 6, 2026

Walt — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 08:25:34 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Potter Room and the $40,000 Business Proposal

I can’t say I’m an avid Clue player. I loved the movie – it might actually be my favorite movie of all time – but the board game kind of sucks because it’s formulaic and no one really knows how to play it correctly. It’s kind of like Monopoly, where everyone plays that game wrong. Most people don’t know that you’re supposed to have an auction on every property people land on, provided the active player doesn’t want to purchase the property.

Clue is not played correctly by most either, and it’s not for the reason you may think. If you’ve ever considered that Mr. Green committed the murder with the wrench in the library, or the smoke show Mrs. White did the killing with the rope in the conservatory, you may not have considered all the possibilities. Because, while there’s the study, the hall, the ballroom, the library, and the kitchen, there’s also one other room that exists, but is so unknown that you can’t even see it on the map. That room happens to be the potter room.

What’s the potter room? I don’t know exactly. But it’s a real thing, trust me!

I was at my nephew’s 1-year-old birthday party on a recent Saturday. This nephew is the youngest of four siblings, so because we often go to this family’s house for events, we tend to see the same people there. One person is a rather rotund woman with whom I’ve never had any issues until this party. I saw that she was seated at a table with a bunch of people, but she suddenly stood up and announced in her usual high-pitched voice:

“I’m going to the potter room!”

Potter room? What the f**k is the potter room?

My sister and I looked at each other like we were both thinking, “What the f**k is she talking about?” while everyone else at the table seemingly ignored her.

I’d say there are three possibilities here. Let’s run through them:

1. She meant to say “potty room.” I’ve never heard of anyone referring to a bathroom as the “potty room.” If this is what she meant, then she might just be mentally retarded.

2. She meant to say “powder room.” This would be the most likely possibility, but she clearly emphasized the “T” in “potter.” It could be possible that she thinks “powder” is spelled “powter.” If so, then she might just be mentally retarded.

3. She meant to say “potter room,” as in Harry Potter. I don’t know why there would be a Harry Potter room, but this is the only scenario in which she is not mentally retarded because there might be some people in this world who have a Harry Potter room in their house.

My next guess for Clue is Professor Plum with the magic wand in the Harry Potter room.

At any rate, the kids at this party – my nephews and nieces range from one to 11 years old – played with some Nerf guns on the front lawn. They had lots of fun shooting each other, but there’s always a downside with Nerf guns, and that would be the cleanup process.

Once the game was winding down, the patriarch of the family instructed his two eldest boys, Zach and Johnny, to clean up all of the foam bullets scattered all over the front lawn. Zach and Johnny, being 11 and eight, respectively, were more cunning than their younger cousins, so they were easily able to get out of cleanup duties.

Johnny called over my 4-year-old son Conrad and their 5-year-old sister Jocelyn.

“Hey Conrad and Jocelyn, I have a special prize for you guys!” he exclaimed. “Whoever picks up the most bullets will win the prize!”

I snorted because of how ridiculous that sounded, but with Conrad and Jocelyn being so young, they fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Conrad and Jocelyn raced back to the front lawn to pick up as many foam bullets as possible.

“I guess there’s a sucker born every day,” I said.

“Yeah, they’re both suckers,” Johnny said with a devious smile on his face.

“So, what’s the special prize?” I asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders and then said, “Maybe I’ll give them a cookie.”

Now, that may sound nice, but allow me to inform you that there were a whole tray of cookies on the dining room table. Either of them could have stopped what they were doing, gone to the table, and grabbed a cookie for themselves.

“Dude, you have to give them a real prize, like candy, or whatever,” I said.

Johnny apparently did not agree because when it became clear that Jocelyn gathered more foam bullets than Conrad, she asked her brother what she had won.

“You get a cookie, Jocelyn!” Johnny exclaimed.

I expected Jocelyn to whine about how she could’ve gotten a cookie this entire time, but the only one whining was Conrad because when Jocelyn clapped her hands in elation, Conrad moaned, “Oh no, I wanted a cookie!”

Looks like Johnny was right. They were both suckers.

The eldest of my nieces and nephews, Olivia, apparently believed the same thing. Except, she must have thought I was the sucker at this party.

When I first saw Olivia that day, she immediately said, “Uncle Walt, I need $20 from you.”

Why did she need $20 from me? She explained while Conrad and Jocelyn were gathering the foam bullets.

“Uncle Walt, I’ve asked you for money before, and you said you’ll give me money if I have a smart business plan, and I finally have one,” Olivia said. “All I need is $20 from you to buy supplies, and I can make thousands of dollars.”

Wait. How was this 12-year-old entrepreneur going to transform $20 into thousands? I had to hear this plan.

“My friend and I are starting a daycare,” Olivia said.

Olivia could have just stopped there, and I would have given her the $20 right on the spot if she promised me one percent of her business’ profits. Daycare scams are all the rage these days. All you need are a couple Somalians, and that’s it. You don’t even need to spell your business name correctly. And yes, I’m looking at you, Quality Learing Center.

Seriously, all you need to do is rent an abandoned building, put the daycare name on it, hire two Somalians to remain in the building, and funnel your government subsidies into your bank account to buy cool things like mansions and jet skis. Forget $20. If Olivia pitched this idea to me, I would have given her $200.

Unfortunately, Olivia wasn’t as conniving as the fraudsters in Minnesota because from the sound of it, she planned on running a legitimate business.

“I have this whole plan, I’m going to learn the kids’ birthdays, and then we’re going to have some parties and field trips, and we’re going to have lunch time, and I’ll ask the parents if they pack their own lunches or if they want us to prepare lunches for them. Oh, and we’re going to have birthday parties for everyone who has a birthday in the summer, and we’re going to do arts and crafts, and if someone is shy, I’m going to have a special technique with them to make them not shy, and I can keep going, but how about you give me the $20 now?” Olivia asked.

“Wait, so how are you going to make thousands of dollars?” I asked.

“Easy,” Olivia answered. “I’m going to charge each kid $100 for the day, and we’re going to have 20 kids, so that’s a thousand dollars per day.”
“That’s $2,000 per day,” I said. “And if you multiply that by five days, you get $10,000 per week, and if you have four weeks in a month, that’s $40,000 per month.”

“Yeah, easy, lots of money, so please give me $20,” she demanded.

“You really think you’re going to get $40,000 per month?” I asked. “And all you need is my $20? What do you need the $20 for?”

“For art supplies!” Olivia exclaimed. “Come on, Uncle Walt, I need to get my business going!”

“Wait, I have some questions,” I asked. “How do you know you can get $100 per customer? And how do you know you’re going to get any customers when it’s just you and your friend? And how can you run a daycare with no adults? And you’re really going to prepare food for these kids every day? What kind of food are you going to make?”

Olivia looked annoyed that I had so many questions for her.

“OK fine, Uncle Walt, I guess we’ll only charge $50,” Olivia relented. “And we’ll have adults there because we’re going to use my friend’s house. She has a big house, and her parents will be working there while we watch the kids. And we’ll make great food for them like Chex and Cheez-Its.”

“No offense, but I think you need to do a bit more research on the pricing and everything to see if it’s feasible,” I responded. “And I don’t know if parents will fine with their kids eating Chex and Cheez-Its for lunch, and even leaving their kids with two 12-year-olds for the entire day seems like bad parenting to me. I’m sorry, Olivia, but I’m going to have to pass.”

“Uncle Walt, if I do more research and send you a slideshow, will you reconsider my offer?” Olivia asked.

“Sure, why not?” I answered.

I could have shot her down permanently, but I didn’t want to destroy her spirit. Plus, there’s a legitimate chance that her slideshow goes:

1. Create fake daycare name
2. Hire Somalians as frontmen
3. Get subsidies from the government
4. Steal subsidies and get rich
5. Give local politicians enough of a cut that they look the other way

If Olivia sends me this slideshow, we’re both going to be very rich.