Humor – WalterFootball

Jerks of the Week – April 13, 2026

Walt — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 09:51:56 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Whacky Pizza Party

Someone once told me that they lived vicariously through my Jerks of the Week tales. Of course, this was long ago when I used to frequent bars with my friends. I was in my late 20s back then, and I lived within walking distance of my local bar. We had lots of fun there, including one experience where a hot blonde bartender pretended to rape me up the butt with a cucumber because her dad read about her in one of my Jerks of the Week entries.

Life is much different these days. I’m in my mid-40s, and outside of one work meeting with a fellow YouTube sports personality, I haven’t been drinking at a bar in nearly a decade. I’m married with two kids, so those days are long gone. Now, I am the one who must live vicariously through some other fat football Web site owner with his own Jerks of the Week-type section.

This was clear on a recent Sunday when I walked into a pizza parlor with a bar on one side. Some guys were drinking at the bar, and there was an attractive blonde bartender behind the counter. She was pretty and had a short black shirt, exposing her stomach. She surely would have qualified for Jerks of the Week if this were 15 years ago with me striking out while trying to impress her. I probably would have gotten another cucumber up the bum, too.

This new bartender girl locked eyes with me and looked like she wanted to ask if I wanted anything to drink. Then, she closed her mouth because she saw my entourage, which was no longer a dozen people my age desiring beer or liquor. Instead, I had my 4-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter with me, so she knew exactly why we were at this establishment. We were here for a kids’ birthday party.

Now, you might be wondering why there was a kids’ birthday party at this pizza-bar joint, a place in Northeast Philadelphia called Whacky Zaki’s. My 9-year-old niece Mila loves the pizza at Whacky Zaki’s so much that it’s the only pizza she’s willing to eat, and no, I am not exaggerating. She will literally not eat any pizza if it’s not from Whacky Zaki’s. Thus, when her mom – a.k.a. my sister – asked her where she wanted to celebrate her ninth birthday, she said Whacky Zaki’s.

I thought this was an odd choice for a birthday party. Whacky Zaki’s is a fine local pizza parlor/bar, but it didn’t exactly seem conducive for a children’s birthday party because they didn’t have any arcades or games for kids to play. There were some video gambling machines, which entertained my dad, but there was nothing for children. My sister, however, recognized this and prepared some games for the kids to play, so it ended up working out.

The only negative I’ll have to say about this restaurant, and it’s not really their fault, was that it was very cramped. There were two tables set up – one for the kids, and one for the adults – and they were very close together. It took me minutes to get from one end of the table to the other if I needed to get a soda, or something. Also, I was kicked at least three dozen times by people sitting next to me.

This happened so often that I suddenly had a flashback to fourth grade. In art class, I sat across from Jessica, the prettiest girl in our class. She would often play footsies with me, which in hindsight, was agonizing because I didn’t do anything about it. Criticize me all you want, but I was a 9-year-old chicken wuss who didn’t know what to do with girls. Unfortunately, getting kicked over and over again at my table wasn’t nearly as pleasant as my footsie experience with Jessica, who, by the way, became a teenage mom in high school. You might say I was smart to dodge that bullet, but I actually blame myself. If I hadn’t ignored Jessica’s advances, perhaps she wouldn’t have ventured down a dark path in her life. It’s all my fault, and getting kicked repeatedly at this party reminded me of that.

Fortunately, the food arrived quickly, and I forgot all about how responsible I was for the downfall of Jessica’s life. I never had the chicken wings at Whacky Zaki’s before, but they were great. The pizza was served shortly later, and I was able to get a slice of pepperoni before the rest of the pie was moved to a side table.

I tried to take a bite out of my slice, but it was too hot, so I put it down and had another chicken wing while I waited for the pizza to cool. A woman I never met before somehow walked by the crowded area and ventured toward the pizza to get a slice for her daughter. She then asked the table if anyone wanted a slice of pepperoni while she was up.

A couple of people raised their hands. I did as well because I knew I’d want more than one slice of pizza, and it was going to take eons for me to get out of my seat and walk to the pizza.

The woman handed slices of pepperoni to the others, but then looked at me and shook her head.

“You already have a slice,” she said and then walked away.

What the f**k? Why would she do that? Yes, I had a slice, but did she expect me to eat just one, considering how fat I am? And under normal circumstances, I could have gotten up to get more, but the place was so cramped that doing so was impossible.

Luckily, my brother-in-law ended up sitting next to the pizza location, so he kept feeding me slices. I ended up having five. I considered leaving the pizza crusts as evidence for the smug whore who wouldn’t give me pizza so I could rub it in her face that not only did I get another slice; I was able to devour four more.

Now, you might be wondering, “Walt, I can’t believe you ate only five slices of pepperoni pizza – I thought you were fatter than that!” It’s true, but don’t blame me! When they wanted to serve dessert, the person in charge of cleaning up asked, “Is everyone done eating pizza and wings?” I had pizza in my mouth, so I couldn’t say anything. Instead, I raised my hand, but the woman completely ignored me and began boxing up the pizza. The pizza now became out of reach from my brother-in-law again, so no one was able to give me pizza anymore, which made me a very sad, obese individual.

Luckily, dessert was great. My sister made a delicious vanilla cake and even better chocolate cupcakes. I had one of each, only because no one would give me two of each.

My daughter ended up having a chocolate cupcake as well, but she initially wasn’t interested in anything because she was a bit overwhelmed. When I held her and asked, “Do you want cake or a cupcake?” She answered, “I want a lollipop.”

At that moment, one of Mila’s friends said, “I have a lollipop.”

I turned around and saw a 9-year-old girl with a blue tongue. She obviously just had some sort of a blueberry lollipop, and she was holding out an unwrapped lollipop toward us.

“Oh wow, thank you!” I said.

I reached my hand for the lollipop, thankful that this nice little girl was willing to hand my daughter exactly what she wanted. To my surprise, she pulled her hand away.

“No, this is mine!” she exclaimed and then marched back to her seat.

Wow. So much for her being a “nice little girl.” I imagine she’ll go down the same dark path as Jessica, assuming the nice boy she flirts with is a chicken wuss like I was.

Finally, the Santa Photos! More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2026: The Whacky Pizza Party
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2026: The Potter Room and the $40,000 Business Proposal
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2026: Nala, but Not from the Lion King
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2026: Begone, William and Alan!
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2026: The Elusive Hot Dog
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2026: Are You Down with PCP?
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2026: For Here or to Go?
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2026: The Play Pad Birthday Bash
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2026: Andale
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2026: The San Francisco Poop Patrol
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2026: Barbara Goes Wild
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2026: The Three Crushes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2026: The Missed High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2026: Brian and His Bicycle
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2026: Wynter is Coming
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2025: Sunday Parties
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2025: Champoo
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2025: The Angry Lollipop Lady
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2025: Questions from Conrad
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 12: The Cursed Kiosk
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 11: The Corn Jerkers and the Baubles
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 10: The Sportsbook Trek
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 9: The Toxic Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 8: The 100-Percent Tip
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 7: The Burger Guy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 6: The CVS Mom and the Monk
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 5: The Tuscany and the D
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 4: The Crooked Contest
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 3: The Money Laundering Shirt
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 2: Mr. First Class and the Beyonce Maverick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2025: Walt Goes to Vegas 2025, Part 1: My Subway Soulmate
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2025: Return of the Q
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2025: The Mina Kimes Fanboy Club
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2025: The Michaels 4Ts
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2025: Darius Miller
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2025: Please Wear Your Hazmat Suit
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2025: The Tale of Two Supermarkets
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2025: The Broken Gearshift
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2025: The Gym Model
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2025: No Hats Allowed!
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2025: The Price of Hot Dogs
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2025: Graduation Fart Smeller
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2025: The Second Mortgage Play Place and the Instant Death French Fry
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2025: The Dual Hospital Trip
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2025: King of the Playground
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2025: Prayer and Despair at Burger King
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2025: The Fat Nerd and His Static Electricity
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2025: A Trail of Poop and Blood
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2025: The Grifter's Dozen
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2025: Monkey Pictures, the Croc Sale, and a Flat Tire
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Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2025: The Big Shot and the Free Kite
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2025: Punching People at Nifty Fifty's
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2025: The Janitorial Journalist
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2025: Dinner at Dairy Queen
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2025: An Ode to Around the Horn
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2025: Lindsey the Cat Lady
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2025: The Magically Appearing Parmesan Cheese
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2025: The Dirty Hands Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2025: Sammy Davis Jr., Fake Lawyer Extraordinaire
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2025: Step by Step: Woke by Woke
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2025: Goodbye, British Empire
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2025: The Toilet Name Tag
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2025: Dr. Cannabis
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2025: The Two Zombie Uncles
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2024: The Wing Flinger 3000
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2024: The Pediatrician's Appointment
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2024: Stepping on Jace and/or Ace
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2024: Q
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2024: Figs
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2024: Line Picker Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 11, 2024: The First Double Halloween
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 8: The Las Vegas Airport Miracle
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 7: Hot Tub Love
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 6: Bombs Away!
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 5: The Cosmopolitan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 4: The Caesars to Cosmo Trek
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 3: The Best-Laid Dinner Plans
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 2: Stranger Prices
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2024: Walt Goes to Vegas 2024, Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2024: Jace is on the Case!
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2024: The Return of Shameless Self-Promotion
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2024: The Cattitude Car Lady
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2024: The CVS Maid's Tale
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Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2024: My Son's First Girlfriend
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2024: Marissa the Cat Lady
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2024: Jerks of the Filet
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Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2024: Paper or Paper?
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2024: My Son's Trip to the Dentist
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Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2024: The Cutting Room Floor, Part 3
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Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2024: The Cutting Room Floor
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2024: Wonderful Woman
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2024: Where's the Damn Peppermint Oil?
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Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2024: The State of New Jersey and the Post Office Gizmo
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2024: A Trip to CVS: Anger, Frustration, and Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2024: Mike Ryan, Formerly Known as Mike Ruiz
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2024: No High School Notes from Girls
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 5, 2024: Adam Danger Legz
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 29, 2024: Grade School Musings
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 22, 2024: Swim Instructor Power Rankings
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 15, 2024: ESPN Bet Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 8, 2024: Twitter Idiots
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 1, 2024: Finally, the Santa Photos!
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 25, 2023: Santa's Inept Helpers
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 18, 2023: The Santa Reservation
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 11, 2023: The Sushi Scam
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 4, 2023: The Lazy Actor
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 27, 2023: My Son's First Trick-or-Treat
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 20, 2023: Back to School Night
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 13, 2023: Football Baby
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 6, 2023: Neighborhood Run Amok
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 30, 2023: Dr. Link
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 23, 2023: Bensalem Booty Call
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 16, 2023: Ten Things I Hate About You
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 9, 2023: Jerks of Sesame Place
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 2, 2023: Hospital for Childbirth No. 2, Part 2: The Wrong Name
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 25, 2023: Hospital for Childbirth No. 2, Part 1: Follow the Golden Road
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 18, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 6: The Grass is Always Greener
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 11, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 5: Something New, Something Bold, Something Cold
Jerks of the Week - Sept, 4, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 4: Smuggler of Straws
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 28, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 3: Stuart and the Buffet Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 21, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 2: A Night of Disappointment
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 14, 2023: Walt Goes to Vegas 2023, Part 1: I Sat Next to a Pharaoh on a Plane
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 7, 2023: Welcome to Jellystone, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - July 31, 2023: Welcome to Jellystone, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - July 24, 2023: Welcome to Jellystone, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - July 17, 2023: The Best Pickup Line to Use on Women
Jerks of the Week - July 10, 2023: Conrad's First Trip to the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 3, 2023: My Dad's 70th Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - June 26, 2023: Conrad the Sleep Sack
Jerks of the Week - June 19, 2023: Memories at Meadowlane
Jerks of the Week - June 12, 2023: My Son's First Diner Meal
Jerks of the Week - June 5, 2023: Conversations in the Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - May 29, 2023: Mimes vs. Fascists
Jerks of the Week - May 22, 2023: The Car Accident
Jerks of the Week - May 15, 2023: Losers Who Have Blocked Me
Jerks of the Week - May 8, 2023: My Son's First Easter Egg Hunt
Jerks of the Week - May 1, 2023: Altitude Trampoline Park
Jerks of the Week - April 24, 2023: Everything Is Worse
Jerks of the Week - April 17, 2023: Going to See the Super Mario Bros. Movie
Jerks of the Week - April 10, 2023: Supermarket Lines
Jerks of the Week - April 3, 2023: Things Wrong with My Son's Favorite Movies
Jerks of the Week - March 27, 2023: No Cleavage, Just Masks
Jerks of the Week - March 20, 2023: A Fat Friend
Jerks of the Week - March 13, 2023: Dinner at Red Lobster
Jerks of the Week - March 6, 2023: The Worst Teachers I've Ever Had, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2023: The Worst Teachers I've Ever Had, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2023: Dumb Cat Ladies on Twitter
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2023: Blaster Master
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2023: My British Enemies
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2023: Miss Exotic Invention
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2023: Angelo, the Snitch
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2023: The Pool Valet
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2023: Life in the British Empire
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2023: She's 19
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2022: Going to See Santa
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2022: Playground Drama
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2022: WalterFootball Summer Solstice Classics Presents: FTSex
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2022: Booing Santa
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2022: My Lane Buddy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2022: PECO
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2022: Joining the British Empire
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2022: The Nanny Hunt
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2022: The Neighborhood Update
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2022: Lonely Duck Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2022: My Reign as King
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2022: The Point of No Returns
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2022: A Very Crappy Day
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 6: People Who Wear Masks in Las Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 5: The Misplaced Burger Place
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 4: Bizarre People at the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 3: The Most Ignored Man in the World
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 2: The Ballad of the Heat-Resistant Bag
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2022: Walt Goes to Vegas 2022, Part 1: Corporal Plane Punishment
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2022: Hot Tub Adventures: The Ocean, the Tricycle and Girls
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 8, 2022: Assassins, Astrology and Cheese Dogs
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 1, 2022: 2022 Pandemic Preview: Monkeypox
Jerks of the Week - July 25, 2022: The Continued Death of Neshaminy Mall
Jerks of the Week - July 18, 2022: People Who Still Wear Masks
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2022: Epic Gym Fails
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2022: Mila's Pizzeria
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2022: The Anniversary Day Off
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2022: Pictures of the Neighborhood
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2022: The Russian Brute and the Two-Year Absence Man
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2022: Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2022: My Reddit Thread
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2022: Jerk of the Year: Double Mask Lady
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2022: Lust and Anger at LA Fitness
Jerks of the Week - May 9, 2022: Jerks of My Niece's Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2022: Verizon Frustrations
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2022: Goodbye, Masks!
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2022: Twitter Trolling
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2022: The Golden Girls and the Russian Brute
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2022: April Fools and April Truths X: The Magical Ride
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2022: Mouse Fighting
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2022: Welcome to My Frustration
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2022: Old Bikini Lady and the Germany Consulate
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2022: The Hungry Basketball Player
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2022: Patricia's Pursuers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2022: Hospital for Childbirth, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2022: Hospital for Childbirth, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2022: Hospital for Childbirth, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2022: Lawn String Karen Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2022: WalterFootball Summer Solstice Classics Present: Circuit Breaker
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2022: Netflix Christmas Movies
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2022: Mr. Man Boobs and Mr. Peach
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2022: Daughter for Purchase
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2021: The IHOP Trip
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2021: Three Errands
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2021: Offensive YouTube Videos
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2021: The Halloween Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2021: Lady of the Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2021: Microsoft Ignite Video
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2021: The $300 Long Con
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2021: The Failed Laser Tag Revenge
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2021: Shortages
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2021: Frank Sebastiano Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2021: The Starbucks Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2021: The Met Gala
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2021: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2021
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 7: Vegas Gripes and the Overbooked Flight
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 6: The Post Malone Dybbuk Box
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 5: A Night in Paris
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 4: North Strip
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 3: More Vexen Laugh Guy and CVS’ Betrayal
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 2: Bad Omens
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2021: Walt Goes to Vegas 2021, Part 1: Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2021: Couch Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2021: The Great Laser Tag Controversy
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2021: The Return of the Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2021: My 7-Year Old Nephew's Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2021: King Harold and His July 4 Tyranny
Jerks of the Week - July 5, 2021: NextDoor Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2021: The Rescheduled Wedding
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2021: Shower Self-Conversation Man and One-Piece Thong Girl
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2021: Let's Go to the Movies!
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2021: Vaccine in Pool Lady, Temperature Fiend and Murphy’s Law Man
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2021: Current Events II
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2021: NextDoor
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2021: Current Events
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2021: Elon on SNL
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2021: The Death of Neshaminy Mall
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2021: The Jekyll and Hyde Gym Patrons
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2021: Frank Sebastiano
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2021: A Sad Easter For My Not-So-Secret Admirer
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2021: April Fools and April Truths IX: College Edition
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2021: The Double Jolly Rancher Experiment
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2021: The Purple Building
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2021: The Megan Muggle Interview
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2021: Eric Holthaus: Bitcoin Feminist
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2021: The Return of Giant Bean Stock Lady
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2021: Pale Swimmer Girl and Dog Doo Doo
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2021: The $300 Snitch
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2021: Water Up the Butt
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2021: Melvin Capital, Citadel and Other Hedge Funds
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2021: Dumb Bears
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2021: The Christmas Quarantine
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2021: The Return of No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2021: Thanksgiving Farting
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2020: One Big Happy Family
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2020: The 20th Anniversary That Never Was
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2020: The Voting Sticker and the Lockdown Hypocrites
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 7, 2020: Joey and the Diaper-Trained Duck
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2020: Double Belly Button Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2020: The Most Cowardly Man on the Planet
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2020: Barbara and the Starving Child
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2020: Halloween 2020
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2020: InvestScorpio
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2020: FilipinoCupid.com
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2020: The Great Antifa War of Labor Day
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2020: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2020
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2020: Death Wishers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2020: Mask Karens at Starbucks
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2020: Annoying Kids in My Neighborhood
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2020: Giant Bean Stock Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2020: Voice Actors
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 5: The Positives of Pandemic Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 4: Masks, Burgers and Twigs
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 17, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 3: The Evil Mosquito Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 2: Meeting a Porn Star
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2020: Walt Goes to Vegas 2020, Part 1: Airport Amid a Pandemic
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2020: Happy Uncle's Day
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2020: Jerks of the Gym While Not at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2020: Back to Restaurants
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2020: Lockdown Lunatics
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2020: YouTube Workout Videos
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2020: CHAZ Losers
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2020: Quarantine Stories III: My Dog's Lover
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2020: Quarantine Stories II
Jerks of the Week - June 1, 2020: Quarantine Stories
Jerks of the Week - May 25, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 7: Mr. Critique, the Galloping Horse and the Case of the Disappearing Kids
Jerks of the Week - May 18, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 6: Peruvian Problems and Taco Island
Jerks of the Week - May 11, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 5: Hot Women with Hair Problems
Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 4: The Best Burger Place in the World
Jerks of the Week - April 27, 2020: ESPN's 2020 NFL Draft Coverage
Jerks of the Week - April 20, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 3: Strippers and Salsa
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 2: The Adventures of Leonys Maroney III
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2020: Welcome to Miami, Part 1: The Adventures of Maximillian Cucumber, the VIII
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2020: April Fools and April Truths VIII: Coronavirus Edition
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2020: Dumb People in the Wuhan Coronavirus Pandemic
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2020: Wuhan Coronavirus
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2020: Car Inspections
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2020: Star Trek Picard
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2020: Nephtali Diaz
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2020: 2020 Oscars Golden Academy Awards and the Dana Schwartz South Park Tweet
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2020: The Golden Global Awards and the British Royals
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2020: Tiny Lifeguard, Cookie Monster Lady, Handsome Men in the Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2020: Worst Best Dinner Ever: My Nifty Fifty's Saga
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2020: Millennials and Man Buns
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2020: Happy New Year, 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2020: My New Dog, Raven
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2019: The Return of Facebook Beggar
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2019: Daughter for Sale
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2019: Mall Joker
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2019: Downton Abbey: The Movie
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2019: Our Healthcare System
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2019: The Most Popular Musicians
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2019: It's Raining Men
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 11, 2019: Trick-or-Treaters, 2019
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2019: The Mark Zuckerberg Testimony
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2019: The Worst Beer Purchase
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2019: The Worst Song Ever
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2019: Bank Robbers (Including Me)
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2019: Dumb Parents, Irrelevant Pregnancy and MeUndies
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2019: Horny Hot Tub Guys
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 5: The Many Random Jerks of Las Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 4: The Suicide Squad and the Blowup Doll
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 3: Mojito Bro's Concubines and Casino Narc
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 2: Mojito Bro and the Cabana Crew
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2019: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2019, Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2019: The Word "Stupid" and Birthday with the Nephews
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2019: The Sensory Deprivation Chamber
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2019: Jerks of the Baltimore Wedding: Part 2
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2019: Jerks of the Baltimore Wedding: Part 1
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2019: Welfare Shouting Match and FAAAAARKS!!!!!
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 5 - Attack of the Black Flies
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 4 - Sewage Water and No Hot Dogs
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 3 - More Poop Encounters
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 2 - Sherlock's First Day at the Beach
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2019: Walt Goes to OBX, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2019: The 10-Year Jerks of the Week Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2019: Bingo Night
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2019: The One-Year Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2019: The Abomination That Was Game of Thrones: Season 8, Episode 5
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2019: Return to the Poop Gym
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2019: Saladworks Weirdos
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2019: Taco Hell, 2019
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2019: Wedding Ablaze
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2019: The Worst Waitress of All Time
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2019: AsianDating.com
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2019: April Fools and April Truths VII
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2019: Hibachi Restaurant Hates Me
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2019: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LIII, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2019: Scott Sports
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2019: Flies in My Salad
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2019: Rat Feces in My Pizza
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2019: Someone Hit on Me at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2019: Adventures at the Chinese Buffet
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2019: A Million Little Things
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2019: 2018 Christmas Commercials
Jerks of the Year - Dec. 31, 2018: The Facebook Beggar
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2018: Dairy Queen and Cold Stone Creamery
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2018: Cat Lady, Thanksgiving Woman and the Shower Hags
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2018: Thomas Middleditch Verizon Commercials (Again)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2018: Slow and Sucky Subway
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2018: Battle of the Sexes
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 19, 2018: Stories of Bill Cosby, Gym Vacations and Cheesesteaks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2018: Jerks at the Zombie Circus
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2018: Halloween
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2018: Jerks of the Gym: Where's the Peef?
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 4: My Near-Fight at Cowabunga Bay
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 3: A Serial Killer Bird and Twin Peaks, the Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 2: The Mandarin Oriental Pool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2018: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2018, Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2018: YouTube Personalities
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2018: Friends from College
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2018: Aladdin on Broadway
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2018: The Beach Weekend Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 6
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 5
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 13, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 3
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2018: Jerks of My Honeymoon - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2018: Jerks of the First Mall Trip as a Married Couple
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 4
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 3
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2018: Jerks of My Wedding - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2018: Jerks of My Bachelor Party - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 4, 2018: Jerks of My Bachelor Party - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2018: The Unhappy Meals
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2018: The Countdown, the Pervert and the Woman from Hell
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2018: Jerks of Chik-fil-A
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2018: Ballad of the Three Wawa Trips
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2018: Jerks of Boston Market
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2018: A Very S***ty Day
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2018: Jerks of the Niece's Birthday Party
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2018: The Nearly Forgotten Jerks of My Mom's Birthday
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2018: April Fools and April Truths VI
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2018: Katy Perry
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2018: Tipping Starbucks Cashiers
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2018: Mega Jerks at the Gym
Jerks of the Year - March 5, 2018: Nazi Hot Tub Man
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 26, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 19, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 12, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 5, 2018: Walt Goes to Super Bowl LII, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 29, 2018: Smart Barista, Dumb Comcast Worker and Best Friends
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 22, 2018: Johnny Manziel's Cousin and the Lifesaver Mint Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 15, 2018: Crappy Italian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 8, 2018: Pre-Christmas Jerks
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 1, 2018: The 12 Things I Hate About Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 25, 2017: The Walnut Grove Township Meeting
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 18, 2017: Hallmark Movies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 11, 2017: Verizon Guy
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 4, 2017: My Friend Drew, and the Craziest Facebook Conversation Ever
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 27, 2017: Angry, Old Men, and Sara the Starbucks Scumbag
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 20, 2017: More Jerks at the Card Show
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 13, 2017: Goodbye, AIM
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 6, 2017: I Have a Beautiful Figure Again
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 30, 2017: Haunted Attractions
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 23, 2017: Streaming Hipsters and CBS All-Access
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 16, 2017: The Gym Cesspool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 9, 2017: Hayley Geftman-Gold, Redskins Marching Band Play, Memes Chip Guy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 2, 2017: Shirtless Hooligans at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 25, 2017: On the Road to Margate
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 18, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 11, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 4, 2017: Pathetic Jokester, Conspiracy Theorist and Hot Tub A**hole
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 28, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 5: Not Hurricane Harvey, But Apparently Close
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 21, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 4: Expensive and Mysterious Food
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 14, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 3: Stupid Kids and Murderers in Vegas
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 7, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 2: Razor Bombs and the High-Five Heist
Jerks of the Week - July 31, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 1: Spawns of Satan on the Airplane
Jerks of the Week - July 24, 2017: The Return to My LA Fitness
Jerks of the Week - July 17, 2017: The British Invade LA Fitness!
Jerks of the Week - July 10, 2017: July 4, Bureaucrats and Narcs
Jerks of the Week - July 3, 2017: Jerks at Sahara Sam's
Jerks of the Week - June 26, 2017: Unicorns, Cheapskates and Stalkers at Starbucks
Jerks of the Week - June 19, 2017: Jerks at the June Wedding
Jerks of the Week - June 12, 2017: The Eighth Day at Best Buy
Jerks of the Week - June 5, 2017: A Crappy Saturday
Jerks of the Week - May 29, 2017: Plagiarism Accusations
Jerks of the Week - May 22, 2017: The Best Buy Trilogy: 2017 Edition
Jerks of the Week - May 15, 2017: Trouble at Water Aerobics Class
Jerks of the Week - May 8, 2017: Jerks at the Card Show
Jerks of the Week - May 1, 2017: Wendy's
Jerks of the Week - April 24, 2017: Jerk of the Year: Hackers
Jerks of the Week - April 17, 2017: Pepsi Commercial, McDonald's Commercial, Twitter Blockers
Jerks of the Week - April 10, 2017: New Marriage, Angry Marriage
Jerks of the Week - April 3, 2017: April Fools and April Truths V
Jerks of the Week - March 27, 2017: Get Out and the Death of Macy's
Jerks of the Week - March 20, 2017: Talking Buses and the Quarter Thief
Jerks of the Week - March 13, 2017: Baja Fresh and Food Douches
Jerks of the Week - March 6, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 4
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 3
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2017: Walt Goes to the Super Bowl, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2017: The Warning, the Weasel and the Weirdo on a Whacky Wednesday
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2017: Tales from the Hot Tub
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2017: Skeletor's Hot Takes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2017: Walter Goes to Harrisburg, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2017: Walter Goes to Harrisburg, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2017: Self-Entitled Douche Bag Kids
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2016: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2016: Relaxation Saturday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2016: My Best Friend's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2016: Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 2: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2016: Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2016: Cobb Salads and Gym Desk Workers Who Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2016: Halloween and the Election
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2016: Grub Burger Bar
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2016: Old Lady Hate, Old Lady Love
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2016: Timeless
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2016: The Vuse Odyssey
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2016: Seven Years
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2016: Tales of the Ailing Foot
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2016: Twelve Girls, Five Boys, $55 Million, and the Future
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2016: Dead Man in My Pool
Jerk of the Year - Sept. 5, 2016: Colin Kaepernick
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2016: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland. Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2016: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland. Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2016: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2016
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 8, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 4: Prostitutes and Macaroni and Cheese
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 1, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 3: Cowabunga Bay
Jerks of the Week - July 25, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 2: The Blue Man Group and the Spanking
Jerks of the Week - July 18, 2016: Walt Goes to Vegas 2016, Part 1: Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2016: Jerks of the Birthday Party: Knee to the Balls
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2016: Shirtless Fish Tank Man and Facebook Douche
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2016: Twitter Social Justice Warriors
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2016: Getting Lost and Poisoned
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2016: Sad Mushrooms, Lonely Potatoes and Angry Men
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2016: Water Aerobics
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2016: Bar Conversations
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2016: Tales of Five Errands
Jerks of the Week - May 9, 2016: Adventures at Acme
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2016: The Italian Cafe
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2016: Toxic Hell, Revisited
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2016: Starbucks Sucks
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2016: Jerks of Bizarro Rite-Aid
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2016: April Fools and April Truths IV
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2016: Battle of the Gyms: Old Gym vs. LA Fitness
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2016: Random Pictures on My Phone
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2016: Meshack and Marco Manilla
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2016: Lucifer
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 29, 2016: An Afternoon at McDonald's
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2016: Night at the Spa: My First Massage Ever
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2016: Surprise in a Box, Crazy Woman at the Bank, Dumb Girl at the Spa
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2016: Macaroni's
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2016: McPick 2
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2016: Seeing Star Wars
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2016: Powerball
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2016: December Heat Wave
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2016: The Top Five Jerks of 2015
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2015: Christmas Shopping Without a Baby
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2015: Christmas Shopping with a Baby
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2015: Mad Mex
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 7, 2015: Famous Dave's
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2015: Another Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2015: The Trip to Pennhurst Asylum
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2015: Halloween 2015
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2015: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2015: Jerks at My Sister's Wedding - Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2015: The Shirtless A**hole Brigade
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2015: Weight Gain and VANDALISM
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2015: Jerks of the Gym Pool
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2015: Papal Visit 2015
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Second Trip, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Second Trip, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2015: Tubing Down the Delaware: A Near-Death Experience
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2015: Jerks of My Birthday - A Surprise in My Bed!
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 5: Slot Machines and Random Vegas Stuff
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 4: Sportsbooks, Whore Houses and Michael Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 17, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 3: Vegas Dining Experiences
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 2: Mandalay Bay Hotel
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2015: Walt Goes to Vegas - Part 1: The Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2015: Cookies, Chips and Bombs
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2015: Stupid People in My Neighborhood
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2015: Sherlock Walt, and the Cases of the Scrambled Eggs and Missing Pepsi Bag
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Part 2
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2015: Jerks of the Jersey Shore, 2015: Part 1
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2015: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference - 2015 Edition
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2015: Tales from the Baby Pool
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2015: Uzbekistan
Jerks of the Week - June 1, 2015: Memorial Day Grocery Shopping at Giant
Jerks of the Week - May 25, 2015: A Tale of Four Neighborhoods: Con Artists, Dog Poop and a Stolen Watch
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2015: Roger Goodell
Jerks of the Week - May 18, 2015: Catching Up on Gym Jerks: Two Abominations, Two Creeps and a Monster
Jerks of the Week - May 11, 2015: A Racist, a Woman-Beater and a Horse - the Greatest Sports Day Ever
Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2015: Puppy-Training Classes
Jerks of the Week - April 27, 2015: Gym Jerks - with Pictures!
Jerks of the Week - April 20, 2015: It Follows
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part II
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015: April Fools and April Truths III
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2015: The Old Man, the Heroic Man, and the Desperate Man
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2015: The News: Predators, Mushrooms, the Weather and the Undead
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2015: Valentine's Day Gifts
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2015: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2015: Gym Patrons and Their Mistakes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Twitter Idiots
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein

2026 NFL Mock Draft - April 16

Fantasy Football Rankings - April 5

NFL Picks - Feb. 9

NFL Power Rankings - Jan. 26

Jerks of the Week – April 6, 2026

Walt — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 08:25:34 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Potter Room and the $40,000 Business Proposal

I can’t say I’m an avid Clue player. I loved the movie – it might actually be my favorite movie of all time – but the board game kind of sucks because it’s formulaic and no one really knows how to play it correctly. It’s kind of like Monopoly, where everyone plays that game wrong. Most people don’t know that you’re supposed to have an auction on every property people land on, provided the active player doesn’t want to purchase the property.

Clue is not played correctly by most either, and it’s not for the reason you may think. If you’ve ever considered that Mr. Green committed the murder with the wrench in the library, or the smoke show Mrs. White did the killing with the rope in the conservatory, you may not have considered all the possibilities. Because, while there’s the study, the hall, the ballroom, the library, and the kitchen, there’s also one other room that exists, but is so unknown that you can’t even see it on the map. That room happens to be the potter room.

What’s the potter room? I don’t know exactly. But it’s a real thing, trust me!

I was at my nephew’s 1-year-old birthday party on a recent Saturday. This nephew is the youngest of four siblings, so because we often go to this family’s house for events, we tend to see the same people there. One person is a rather rotund woman with whom I’ve never had any issues until this party. I saw that she was seated at a table with a bunch of people, but she suddenly stood up and announced in her usual high-pitched voice:

“I’m going to the potter room!”

Potter room? What the f**k is the potter room?

My sister and I looked at each other like we were both thinking, “What the f**k is she talking about?” while everyone else at the table seemingly ignored her.

I’d say there are three possibilities here. Let’s run through them:

1. She meant to say “potty room.” I’ve never heard of anyone referring to a bathroom as the “potty room.” If this is what she meant, then she might just be mentally retarded.

2. She meant to say “powder room.” This would be the most likely possibility, but she clearly emphasized the “T” in “potter.” It could be possible that she thinks “powder” is spelled “powter.” If so, then she might just be mentally retarded.

3. She meant to say “potter room,” as in Harry Potter. I don’t know why there would be a Harry Potter room, but this is the only scenario in which she is not mentally retarded because there might be some people in this world who have a Harry Potter room in their house.

My next guess for Clue is Professor Plum with the magic wand in the Harry Potter room.

At any rate, the kids at this party – my nephews and nieces range from one to 11 years old – played with some Nerf guns on the front lawn. They had lots of fun shooting each other, but there’s always a downside with Nerf guns, and that would be the cleanup process.

Once the game was winding down, the patriarch of the family instructed his two eldest boys, Zach and Johnny, to clean up all of the foam bullets scattered all over the front lawn. Zach and Johnny, being 11 and eight, respectively, were more cunning than their younger cousins, so they were easily able to get out of cleanup duties.

Johnny called over my 4-year-old son Conrad and their 5-year-old sister Jocelyn.

“Hey Conrad and Jocelyn, I have a special prize for you guys!” he exclaimed. “Whoever picks up the most bullets will win the prize!”

I snorted because of how ridiculous that sounded, but with Conrad and Jocelyn being so young, they fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Conrad and Jocelyn raced back to the front lawn to pick up as many foam bullets as possible.

“I guess there’s a sucker born every day,” I said.

“Yeah, they’re both suckers,” Johnny said with a devious smile on his face.

“So, what’s the special prize?” I asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders and then said, “Maybe I’ll give them a cookie.”

Now, that may sound nice, but allow me to inform you that there were a whole tray of cookies on the dining room table. Either of them could have stopped what they were doing, gone to the table, and grabbed a cookie for themselves.

“Dude, you have to give them a real prize, like candy, or whatever,” I said.

Johnny apparently did not agree because when it became clear that Jocelyn gathered more foam bullets than Conrad, she asked her brother what she had won.

“You get a cookie, Jocelyn!” Johnny exclaimed.

I expected Jocelyn to whine about how she could’ve gotten a cookie this entire time, but the only one whining was Conrad because when Jocelyn clapped her hands in elation, Conrad moaned, “Oh no, I wanted a cookie!”

Looks like Johnny was right. They were both suckers.

The eldest of my nieces and nephews, Olivia, apparently believed the same thing. Except, she must have thought I was the sucker at this party.

When I first saw Olivia that day, she immediately said, “Uncle Walt, I need $20 from you.”

Why did she need $20 from me? She explained while Conrad and Jocelyn were gathering the foam bullets.

“Uncle Walt, I’ve asked you for money before, and you said you’ll give me money if I have a smart business plan, and I finally have one,” Olivia said. “All I need is $20 from you to buy supplies, and I can make thousands of dollars.”

Wait. How was this 12-year-old entrepreneur going to transform $20 into thousands? I had to hear this plan.

“My friend and I are starting a daycare,” Olivia said.

Olivia could have just stopped there, and I would have given her the $20 right on the spot if she promised me one percent of her business’ profits. Daycare scams are all the rage these days. All you need are a couple Somalians, and that’s it. You don’t even need to spell your business name correctly. And yes, I’m looking at you, Quality Learing Center.

Seriously, all you need to do is rent an abandoned building, put the daycare name on it, hire two Somalians to remain in the building, and funnel your government subsidies into your bank account to buy cool things like mansions and jet skis. Forget $20. If Olivia pitched this idea to me, I would have given her $200.

Unfortunately, Olivia wasn’t as conniving as the fraudsters in Minnesota because from the sound of it, she planned on running a legitimate business.

“I have this whole plan, I’m going to learn the kids’ birthdays, and then we’re going to have some parties and field trips, and we’re going to have lunch time, and I’ll ask the parents if they pack their own lunches or if they want us to prepare lunches for them. Oh, and we’re going to have birthday parties for everyone who has a birthday in the summer, and we’re going to do arts and crafts, and if someone is shy, I’m going to have a special technique with them to make them not shy, and I can keep going, but how about you give me the $20 now?” Olivia asked.

“Wait, so how are you going to make thousands of dollars?” I asked.

“Easy,” Olivia answered. “I’m going to charge each kid $100 for the day, and we’re going to have 20 kids, so that’s a thousand dollars per day.”
“That’s $2,000 per day,” I said. “And if you multiply that by five days, you get $10,000 per week, and if you have four weeks in a month, that’s $40,000 per month.”

“Yeah, easy, lots of money, so please give me $20,” she demanded.

“You really think you’re going to get $40,000 per month?” I asked. “And all you need is my $20? What do you need the $20 for?”

“For art supplies!” Olivia exclaimed. “Come on, Uncle Walt, I need to get my business going!”

“Wait, I have some questions,” I asked. “How do you know you can get $100 per customer? And how do you know you’re going to get any customers when it’s just you and your friend? And how can you run a daycare with no adults? And you’re really going to prepare food for these kids every day? What kind of food are you going to make?”

Olivia looked annoyed that I had so many questions for her.

“OK fine, Uncle Walt, I guess we’ll only charge $50,” Olivia relented. “And we’ll have adults there because we’re going to use my friend’s house. She has a big house, and her parents will be working there while we watch the kids. And we’ll make great food for them like Chex and Cheez-Its.”

“No offense, but I think you need to do a bit more research on the pricing and everything to see if it’s feasible,” I responded. “And I don’t know if parents will fine with their kids eating Chex and Cheez-Its for lunch, and even leaving their kids with two 12-year-olds for the entire day seems like bad parenting to me. I’m sorry, Olivia, but I’m going to have to pass.”

“Uncle Walt, if I do more research and send you a slideshow, will you reconsider my offer?” Olivia asked.

“Sure, why not?” I answered.

I could have shot her down permanently, but I didn’t want to destroy her spirit. Plus, there’s a legitimate chance that her slideshow goes:

1. Create fake daycare name
2. Hire Somalians as frontmen
3. Get subsidies from the government
4. Steal subsidies and get rich
5. Give local politicians enough of a cut that they look the other way

If Olivia sends me this slideshow, we’re both going to be very rich.

Jerks of the Week – March 30, 2026

Walt — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 09:46:42 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Nala, but Not from the Lion King

We’ve had one of the longest and coldest winters in memory, but it’s finally over. The warm weather is here, and the clocks have moved backward, or forward, or sideways, I can’t remember which way. I guess I should look it up, but I’ve already ruined the opening paragraph of this Jerks of the Week entry, so allow me to continue.

Warm weather is great, but it also means that my son Conrad’s friends will knock at our door to ask if he’s available to play. This is not something I’ve experienced before – not even as a kid myself because no one around the neighborhood wanted to play with me – but now it’s commonplace, even if I tell his friends to buzz off for two days.

I’ve mentioned Conrad’s friend Alan in previous entries. He knocked on our door one recent Friday, but we were having company over, so I told him that Conrad wouldn’t be available. I also said that we’d be out Sunday because we were set to go to Conrad’s grandma’s house (i.e. my mom’s house) on Saturday.

Alan may be nice, but he must have the memory of a goldfish because he knocked on the door on Saturday, just as we were leaving for my mom’s.

“We can’t come out today,” I told Alan, who was visibly hurt by the news.

“But you guys didn’t come out yesterday,” Alan complained.

“Yeah, but I told you that we’d be out Sunday, and it’s Saturday,” I said.

“Oh, oh yeah,” he said and then bounced back to his scooter.

I’ve discussed Alan, but I haven’t touched on my daughter Lilly’s friends yet. That’s because she hasn’t really had any yet. That’s right, Lilly has taken after her old man. This means that like me, she would be relegated to playing one-player video games all by herself. It’s OK though, I’m sure she would soon develop imaginary friends like me. Not to brag, but I used to pretend that the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation used to watch me play Tecmo NBA Basketball. Many of the cast members were astonished by how I was able to transform the late Armon Gilliam into the league’s top scorer, even over Michael Jordan. It was quite the feat, and if you don’t think that’s impressive, just ask Commander Riker.

I began wondering who my daughter’s imaginary friends might be, but then I saw that she would not become like yours truly. She’s only two, after all, and she was able to develop her own friend on the very Sunday I promised Alan we would go outside.

My wife was already out with the kids when I emerged from the house. I finished the work I was doing and said goodbye to my adult imaginary friends and went to go find my family. I ventured toward Alan’s house, and saw my kids playing with Alan and a girl on a pink bike.

Lilly saw me and proudly said, “Look, Daddy, my friend!”

This friend, a girl who was a few years older than Lilly, said, “Come catch me!” and she raced down the sidewalk on her bike. Lilly wobbled toward this girl as quickly as she could, but to no avail.

Conrad, meanwhile, turned to me and looked completely distraught.

“Daddy, I have really bad news,” he said.

Uh oh. What could have happened? I didn’t see Alan, so did he get hurt? Was someone at his home rushed to the hospital? Did aliens abduct his entire family? Because of all that would be very bad news, indeed!

“What happened?” I asked. “It is REALLY bad news, Daddy,” Conrad emphasized.

Oh dear. It was aliens, wasn’t it? Oh gosh, Alan’s family was being anally probed as we spoke!

“Just tell me what it is because I can handle it,” I told Conrad.

“Alan’s bike got stuck in the mud,” Conrad said.

Oh, so no abductions or anal probes? Phew. That’s a relief. Then again, I was excited to tell Counselor Troi the crazy news.

With no Alan to play with on this Sunday afternoon – Alan’s grandfather was helping to repair the bike – Conrad shifted his focus to Lilly’s friend. And rightfully so! This girl was closer to Conrad’s age than either Alan or Lilly, so it would be nice if they became friends as well.

Conrad tried getting the girl’s attention.

“Hey girl, want to race me instead!?” he shouted.

She did not turn around. She wasn’t being rude, but she didn’t recognize being called “hey girl.” Conrad didn’t get the hint.

“Hey girl, I’m calling you!” he yelled. “Hey girl! Girl!”

Still nothing. I had to interject.

“Conrad, why don’t you ask her what her name is?” I asked. This got her attention, finally. Conrad, unfortunately, looked at me like I had two heads. Apparently, the concept of asking someone their name was so unfathomable that he looked at me like I had two heads.

I repeated myself to explain.

“Conrad, ask her what her name is because she won’t hear you if you just call her ‘hey girl’ all the time,” I said.

Instead of asking her name, Conrad ran behind me and hid, as if this girl had transformed into a king cobra.

“Dude!” I exclaimed. “All you need to do is ask her name. You don’t have to be scared. She’s not some stranger. She was already playing with Lilly.”

Conrad peered out from behind me, but was still not having it. Fortunately, the girl, being slightly older than Conrad – my guess is that she was around six – was braver and understood that she had to break the ice.

“My name’s Nala,” she said.

“Oh, like in the Lion King,” I remarked.

I don’t think I had ever seen such a pissy look from a 6-year-old.

“Nooo,” she declared, pointing at me. “NOT like from the Lion King.”

Whoa, my bad! I didn’t think that was so offensive. I mean, if I had a cool name from that movie, I’d be proud of it. Like, if my parents named me Simba, Mufasa, or even Rafiki, I would have been very proud to say that it was from that film.

Moreover, I wish there was a Walter in the movie. Couldn’t they have named the retarded hyena “Walter,” or something? I would have totally been proud of that. It might have even made me semi-popular growing up. On the downside, I wouldn’t have collected so many imaginary friends, but it seems as though real friends are better than imaginary ones.

Jerks of the Week – March 23, 2026

Walt — Sat, 21 Mar 2026 04:46:54 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Begone, William and Alan!

My son has invented a new type of exercise and method of entertainment. Yes, I wrote “and” instead of “or” purposely, because it’s both.

I first caught wind of this during my father-in-law’s surprise birthday party, which we hosted at my house. Following dinner and dessert, my two kids, and all of my nieces and nephews went downstairs to either play video games or participate in a game of Magic the Gathering. Because these kids didn’t know all the rules of Magic, I had to facilitate the MtG game, while my 8-year-old niece helped my 4-year-old son Conrad get set up with some games on the Nintendo Switch.

A half hour later, the adults summoned their children, and Conrad was still playing Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze. I told him to stop the game because it was getting close to bedtime, but immediately saw that he was drenched in sweat. It wasn’t even warm in the basement, so I was confused as to why he perspired so much.

I discovered why the next day. Conrad came home from preschool and asked if he could play video games while I finished working. I turned on the Switch for him, and I was able to see him play right in front of me because my desk faces the television with all of the game systems attached to it.

What I witnessed was the most ridiculous method of video game play I’ve ever seen in my life. Conrad, who was so engrossed with the game, jumped whenever he had Donkey Kong jump. He skipped to the right whenever he had Donkey Kong move to the right. He shifted left whenever he had Donkey Kong move to the left. It was an entire workout routine that rivaled one of Sydney Cummings’ videos.

By the time I was done work, Conrad was soaked once again. We ordinarily do baths every night with our kids, but we had to do back-to-back bath nights, given how sweaty Conrad was.

I want to tell Conrad that he can afford to simmer down with his video game exercise routine, but it dawned on me that it might be a good thing. One of the criticisms of playing video games is that people can get fat doing so because they’re not exercising. Well, that’s not the case with Conrad! He’s getting a great workout, whether he’s collecting bananas with Donkey Kong or slaying moblins with Link.

I’m actually quite irritated that I haven’t tried this myself. I’m a fat man in my 40s, but I could have been a slender man in my 40s had I known that it’s possible to exercise while playing video games, and I’m not counting that Dance Dance Revolution, or Wii Sports crap. I could have played the best video games of all time and developed a six pack in the process. In my 20s, I could have approached the hottest chick at the beach, and when she asked, “Whoa, how did you get so fit and muscular?” I could have said, “Playing Final Fantasy, baby.”

I can’t say I’m surprised at all that Conrad is extremely into video games. I was the same way when my parents introduced me to their Intellivision when I was five. For anyone younger than 42, this will look extremely dated, but I was in love with this game, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons:

Some people say Resident Evil was the first survivor horror game, but I beg to differ. It was definitely this game. Do you know how terrifying it was to have those snakes and dragons rush toward you from out of the darkness? With limited ammo, you can’t just fire off into the abyss. Plus, there’s always a chance the arrow could rebound off the wall and strike you. For a game with such simple graphics, it was an intense experience.

Of course, as time went on, I was introduced to better games. My parents bought me a Nintendo Entertainment System when I turned six. When I first played the original Super Mario Bros., I couldn’t believe how amazing the game was. I still remember wanting to play it, day and night, but was frustrated when my dad and uncle spent time playing Duck Hunt with the Nintendo laser gun. I nearly had a meltdown because they were hogging my new video game console!

I ended up owning 40-50 video games on the Nintendo with personal favorites like the Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Bros. 3, Mega Man 2, and all four Dragon Warrior games. However, they would all become obsolete when the Super Nintendo Entertainment System was released. The SNES arrived in stores in late August 1991, which was a couple of weeks following my birthday. When my parents asked me what I wanted for my 9-year-old birthday, I told them I wanted an SNES, and I was willing to wait two-and-a-half weeks for it. That’s how much I desired to play those awesome 16-bit games. And the best part would be that there was no laser-gun shooting game, so my dad and uncle wouldn’t commandeer my new video game console this time.

The SNES release date had finally arrived. My dad promised to take me to the store that day to buy one. When he returned home from work that evening, he said that it was time to go buy the SNES. My friend William was over, and I asked him if he wanted to come to the store with us to buy the new console.

“No, my mom won’t let me go to the store,” William said.

Lame, but we were nine, so it was understandable.

“Come on, can’t you just go with us and not tell her?” I asked, hoping the peer pressure would work.

“No, I can’t lie to my mom,” he said.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “So, it’s either me or the Super Nintendo.”

The choice was easy. William was a good friend. So, I tried to be as nice about it as possible.

“Sorry, Will, I want to go get the Super Nintendo.”

William and I never spoke again. It’s true. He transferred schools, and there was no social media to keep in touch; not that we would’ve had access to it at nine years old, but still. I lost a friend to the Super Nintendo, but it was worth it. For my money, the Super Nintendo is the best video game console of all time, with the Playstation 2 being a close second. I had countless amazing hours playing the SNES.

As for William, I have no idea what he’s up to these days. I don’t know if he’s married, or what his profession is. There is one thing I do know for certain though, and that would be that he undoubtedly because a Sega Genesis kid the day that I told him to scram for the Super Nintendo.

Conrad, meanwhile, doesn’t have too many friends outside of his cousins because he’s only four. There is one kid in the neighborhood named Alan I’ve mentioned on several occasions. Alan is a few years older than Conrad, but they play together, and Conrad thinks he’s the coolest because he’s older and rides an electric bike. Alan, meanwhile, hangs out with Conrad because he doesn’t have too many kids his age in the neighborhood, and it seems like the few who are his age don’t like him very much.
On one occasion when Conrad was at the playground, he asked one of the kids if they had seen Alan. The kid responded, “Eww, why do you want to hang out with Alan?”

Conrad, defending his friend’s honor, shouted, “I love Alan!”

I laughed, as Conrad, who was three at that time, didn’t quite understand the difference between love and like. Still, the point remains that he’s good friends with Alan.

That friendship, however, was put to the test recently. I was once again working when Conrad asked if he could play The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, or as Conrad calls it, “Link Who Wakes Up on the Beach.”

Conrad was playing his way through Level 2: Bottle Grotto, when my wife came downstairs and told Conrad that there was someone to see him. Conrad went to the door and saw that Alan was knocking for him.

“Can you come out to play?” Alan asked.

Normally, this would have been a quick yes for Conrad. His introduction to video games changed the circumstances this time, however.

“No, I’m playing Link Who Wakes Up on the Beach!” he exclaimed, before retreating to my office to continue his game play.

First William, now Alan. Two of our friends dismissed by video games.

As they say, “like father, like son.” The difference being, of course, that my son will be 80 pounds lighter than me when he’s an adult.

Jerks of the Week – March 16, 2026

Walt — Sat, 14 Mar 2026 08:20:59 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Elusive Hot Dog

When my wife told me that she had a winter wonderland festival at her church that she wanted me to attend one Saturday, I was concerned. I’m not a religious person, so I’ve seldom gone into houses of worships. I occasionally went to synagogues as a young teenager when my friends had their Bar Mitzvahs, but I’ve seldom attended anything religious as an adult.

I certainly have not gone into a church since becoming what one X follower of mine calls a “menace” on social media. I’ve promoted my pro-porn stances on X, and I’ve trolled many people, including this sad trans man one day before the winter wonderland festival:

Call me crazy, but this “Brian” Lamb “guy” is not doing a good job of pretending to be a man, but I’ll let you be the judge:

While I’m having fun, this sort of behavior does not belong in a house of worship. And that brings me back to why I was worried heading into the winter wonderland festival. I believed that there was a good chance that God would smite me down upon entering my wife’s church, and I would spontaneously combust on the spot. My wife would have been really upset if such a thing were to occur because it would totally put a damper on the winter wonderland festival.

I arrived a bit late to the winter wonderland festival to allow everyone to have some fun before the smiting would begin. I was welcomed with friendly faces into the church. A man with gray hair opened the door to me, and I carefully took a step inside, and…

Nothing! Nothing happened. Phew! I guess God is a fan of my trolling, so I will continue to promote a pro-porn lifestyle and troll trans women like Brian Lamb.

Now that spontaneously combusting was off the table, I entered the festival and saw that they had a bouncy house and games for the kids. My 2-year-old daughter was in line, sucking her thumb, while she stood next to her older cousins. My 4-year-old son, however, began crying as soon as he saw me. Was he also worried about God smiting me?

“Daddy, they’re making me wait in line for the bouncy castle,” he whined.

My son has been asking me when we can go to Disney World because his other cousins went this past January, but if he can’t handle waiting three minutes for a bouncy house, then there’s no way he’s going to cut it at Disney World, where wait times can occasionally exceed an hour.

Once my son calmed down, my wife informed me that they were selling hot dogs downstairs. Oh baby!

As a fat man, I wasted no time rushing downstairs to get my hands on a hot dog. I was like George Costanza at the birthday party where he shoved everyone out of the way because he thought there was a fire.

Walking downstairs was an issue because of my fatness and my sprained ankle, but I somehow made it to the basement. I went to the window and asked for one hot dog. I brandished my wallet, but the old woman behind the window shook her head.

“We don’t accept money here,” she said. “Only punch cards.”

Punch cards? What the hell are punch cards? Is this a new form of currency like Bitcoin and Fart Coin? And what did she mean by not accepting money? If I were a billionaire, and I revealed a suitcase with $50 million in it, she wouldn’t take it in exchange for a hot dog? What kind of sick individual was this?

“How does one procure a punch card?” I asked the old woman.

“You get them at the front where you walk in,” she said.

Ah, that makes sense. I was so worried about getting struck down by lightning that I didn’t notice that they were giving out punch cards in the front. Still, I didn’t get this whole rigamarole about needing punch cards to get hot dogs. I understand that this mechanism would prevent fat men like me from obtaining too many hot dogs, but why not just offer hot dogs beyond the first one for sale? I’m sure the church could make tons of money catering to obese individuals such as myself.

I rushed back upstairs – and when I say “rushed,” I mean limped gingerly up the stairs – and then approached the people sitting in front.

“Hi, can I get a punch card please?” I asked.

“We don’t have them here anymore, they’re giving them out downstairs,” a middle-aged woman told me.

“Oh, where downstairs?” I asked.

“At the hot dog window,” she said.

Wait a minute. If the hot dog lady had them, why didn’t she offer me a punch card? Why did she let me go back upstairs for one?

I proceeded back downstairs in a sweat. I approached the window once more, and the old lady did not seem pleased to see me again so soon.

“Hi, I was told I could obtain a punch card down here,” I said.

“Well, yes, but you’ve already had your one hot dog,” the old lady said.

“No, I haven’t, I just got here,” I replied.

“We have punch cards to make sure people don’t get multiple hot dogs, and someone matching your description already got their hot dog, so I cannot give you a hot dog, or a punch card,” she said.

Someone “matching my description?” What is she, some sort of crime investigator? Was I going to be under arrest for allegedly attempting to claim a second hot dog? This was such BS. Because this old lady wouldn’t give me a hot dog, I was hungry the rest of the afternoon. Why couldn’t God just smite me!?

Following the winter wonderland festival, everyone in our group went back to our house to celebrate my father-in-law’s birthday. My wife ordered Mexican food from Andale, so that at least quelled my hunger. I made myself eight pork tacos with queso, cheddar cheese, a green pepper, and hot sauce. It was delicious, and I would have eaten more than eight tacos, but my nephews and nieces wanted me to teach them how to play Magic the Gathering, so we proceeded to do that. Still, despite the eight tacos and the ensuing two pieces of vanilla birthday cake, I craved a hot dog. I wanted one more than anything at that moment.

I considered going to Wawa and buying a hot dog as soon as everyone left my house, but I realized that it might be in bad taste to do so because my wife would be stuck with both kids during bath time and bedtime.

The hot dog would have to wait. Luckily, my son fell asleep quickly because he was so exhausted following a busy day at the winter wonderland festival.

I didn’t waste any time heading downstairs, putting on my shoes, and getting into the car. Wawa was the destination, and fortunately enough, there happened to be one right down the street. I’d have my hot dog in less time than I spent walking up and down the stairs at my wife’s church.

I entered the Wawa and approached the hot dog area. My heart immediately sank. All of the hot dogs were gone.

“Ugh, they’re all out of hot dogs,” I whimpered.

A guy with a black hoodie on heard me. I turned toward him and saw him holding a half-eaten hot dog.

“Sorry, I took the last one,” he said with a smirk, proceeding to take another bite.

Hey, God, if you happen to be reading this, I found someone else you can smite!

Jerks of the Week – March 9, 2026

Walt — Sat, 07 Mar 2026 06:13:54 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Are You Down with PCP?

The health care system in America was never great, but I remember it being so much better when I was a young adult doing things on my own for the first time. I used to be able to schedule a routine doctor’s appointment and show up to the office hours later, pay a $15 copay, and see the doctor within 20 minutes. And if I needed to go to a specialist, like a dermatologist, I’d just schedule an appointment, show up, pay a relatively cheap copay, and then see that specialist within a half hour.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to be 30 or younger and have this seem so foreign. The American health care system was unfortunately ruined by imbeciles in Washington, which should come as no surprise because the retards in Washington tend to ruin everything. There’s a famous quote that goes, “The nine most dangerous words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.'”

I can no longer see my doctor the same day. In fact, I can’t even see my doctor. I called for an appointment, and the receptionist said that he’s tied up for months. I called another doctor, and they said he’s not taking on any new patients. When I finally reached another doctor in the office, they told me I had to wait three weeks, and when the date finally arrived, I had to pay an $80 copay. And the last time I had to see a dermatologist, I was informed that I needed a referral, which I couldn’t obtain because I wasn’t able to see a doctor! Why do I need a referral anyway? Can’t I just see a dermatologist when I want? Why does there need to be a middle man?

The whole health care industry has become a Ponzi scheme. It’d be one thing if insurance were cheaper, but it’s unbelievably expensive. If I can’t even see a doctor without waiting nearly a month, and if the copay is nearly $100, then what’s the point of insurance? And how could it possibly get this bad? It’s like they had a braindead individual design the entire system. Why can’t we just go back to the old way? It wasn’t perfect, but it was so much better than this garbage.

I’m not just here to rant about our retarded health care system. This Jerks of the Week entry is about a specific story, which was only made possible by how broken our health care system is.

It all started on an innocent Saturday afternoon. I had the intention of taking my 2-year-old daughter to my parents’ house. We stepped outside and walked to the car when my daughter, who was in my arms, pointed upward and said, “Moon!” Indeed, it was a waxing quarter moon, so it was out in the afternoon. I was looking up, so I didn’t exactly see where I was going. I assumed I was still on the sidewalk when I took my next step. Unfortunately, I wasn’t on the sidewalk anymore. I stepped onto the street, and because I didn’t anticipate that, my foot bent 90 degrees.

I never curse in front of my kids, but this was the lone exception I’ve ever made.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFF***********CCCCCCKKKKKK!” I yelled.

My daughter looked at me with great concern. It was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt in my life. It was awful, and I’m shocked I didn’t drop her.

I somehow made it to my parents’ house when I took off my shoe. My ankle was completely swollen. I applied ice and got it wrapped. I read about ankle sprains and saw that there was a 1-2 month recovery time, so I was hoping it would be fine in about six weeks.

Well, it’s been four months, and my ankle hasn’t healed yet. It’s not swollen anymore, but I’m in severe pain whenever I walk the dog or go up and down the stairs. I figured it was time for an X-ray to see if I had suffered some sort of fracture. It would have been nice to just stop into a radiology place and request an X-ray, but I knew that I needed a referral, so I called my doctor in late January. I wasn’t able to see my family doctor at all, but I was able to see a Dr. Hibiscus, or something, by mid-February.

Sure enough, Dr. Hibiscus wrote me a script for an X-ray. I went to the local radiology place the next day and was instantly confused. There was a sign that said, “There is no lobby anymore.” Uhh… OK? Where do I go then?

Some lady using a cane went through the double doors on the left, so I followed her. I was greeted by a bearded man standing by a laptop. I told him I was here for an X-ray, and he said, “Go back to the front, and then follow the path all the way back until you find a sign-in sheet.”

I followed his instructions, but found myself in the cardiology department. Couldn’t this place just have a lobby so I’d know where to go!?

I backtracked a bit and found the radiology sign-in sheet. There was no one there; no receptionist, or anything. Just a sign-in sheet. I signed in and sat down. Minutes later, a bald man approached.

“Is this the sign-in area for the X-rays?” he asked me.

“I hope so,” I said. “If not, then I’ve been waiting in the wrong place for a bit.”

Fortunately, we were in the right place because a pretty brunette woman emerged from one of the doors about 10 minutes later. She walked to the sign-in sheet and asked, “Walter?” I nearly answered, “Llamas?” I did that because that’s what her nametag said. And no, that wasn’t her last name. Her name was Llamas Harrison, or something similar. I felt bad for her, given that the person who named her was just as dumb as the people in Washington.

Llamas Harrison led me to her office, where she accessed my information. I expected to be X-rayed at any moment, but she turned to me and said, “You have no PCP, and you need a referral from a PCP.”

PCP, for those who don’t know, is a primary care provider, i.e. your family medical doctor. This, however, was complete nonsense because I have a primary care provider. I’ve been seeing the same family doctor since I turned 18. He treats both my parents and my sister.

I told Llamas Harrison that I had a PCP, so she called my doctor’s office. I expected them to resolve the matter, but they confirmed that I didn’t have a PCP.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” I told Llamas Harrison. “I have a PCP. I’ve seen the same doctor for nearly 30 years.”

“Sometimes, the insurance company will remove PCPs from their customers, so you have to call them and request a new PCP, or the same old PCP, so they can give you a referral,” she told me.

“But I have this script from a Dr. Hibiscus,” I said. “Can’t I just use that?”

“No, it must be a referral from a PCP,” she replied before giving me the boot and summoning the aforementioned bald man so he could be seen next. I can only hope for his sake that his PCP didn’t get removed from his insurance either.

I limped home and called my insurance company. A guy who called himself Gomez addressed me after I waited about 10 minutes. After verifying who I was, he asked me how I could be helped, and I informed him of my plight.

“I can set you up with a PCP, but you don’t need a referral for an X-ray,” Gomez said.

WHAT!!??!?!

“Oh wait, yes you do,” he corrected himself.

I’m not sure what made Gomez change his mind, but he then asked me to name a PCP. I requested my family doctor of 30 years. While he inputted my information, he asked me how I was doing.

“Fine, except for this whole PCP referral ordeal,” I said. “How are you doing?”

“Oh, boy, let me tell you, I’ve had way too much sugar today,” Gomez said. “I had two cans of Pepsi Cola and two brownies, and cereal, and it’s only noon. If I don’t stop eating sugar, someone’s going to have to drive me home!”

Or you could just, I don’t know, stop ingesting so much sugar? Just a thought.

Despite the ridiculous sugar tale, Gomez was able to link me up with my PCP again. He told me to wait 24 hours to call for a referral. I followed his instructions and left a message with my doctor’s office the next day.

I got a callback an hour later, and the man on the phone asked me where I intended on getting an X-ray. I told him about the local radiology place, and he asked, “Do you know what their NPI number is?”

I have no idea what an NPI number is, so I told him I did not.

“Call them and ask them for their NPI number, and then call us back and leave a message with what the NPI number is,” the man on the phone said.

“Can’t you just access their NPI number if I tell you what the place is called?” I asked.

“No, you’ll have to get that information yourself,” he said.

OK, what the f**k. Why do I have to go through a dozen giant hoops just to get a f**king X-ray on my ankle? Again, why can’t I just show up and get a damn X-ray!?

I retrieved the NPI number and left a message, but I don’t know if my doctor’s office received it. And I still don’t know what the hell an NPI number is, or why I needed it in the first place.

As of this writing, I still haven’t gotten an X-ray on my foot. At this point, it feels like I won’t get the X-ray for a few decades. And by then, I’ll have other problems and I’ll need a new PCP, so I’m going to have to start this entire procedure over again.

Jerks of the Week – March 2, 2026

Walt — Sun, 01 Mar 2026 03:10:56 +0000

Jerk of the Week: For Here or to Go?

I’ve written about countless restaurants in my near 17 years of maintaining Jerks of the Week. Whether it’s been the horrible service at Red Lobster, or the terribly ugly people at Andale, or the guy who came on to me at a local Italian place, there’s always been something to write about when I’ve ventured to eat with my family.

I don’t think I’ve ever discussed Panera Bread before, and if I have, I haven’t done so in many years. Either way, it’s high time to express my frustration with everyone’s favorite bread-based restaurant.

I personally have a love-hate relationship with Panera Bread. I think they have great food. They have many delicious sandwiches, and I love their tomato soup. Their macaroni and cheese is second to none, except for Chik-fil-A and this restaurant I think was called the Green Iguana. Charlie Campbell took me to it when my wife and I were visiting him in Tampa Bay, and it served buffalo chicken mac-and-cheese. That was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten, but I paid the price very dearly that night when I spent about three hours on the toilet. Still, it was very much worth it, and if I ever visit Charlie again, I’m going to demand that we go there unless they were one of the many Covid-related closures.

Regardless, Panera Bread is quite good for a chain, so why the love-hate relationship I mentioned earlier? Well, the primary reason is that the service is horrible. I can’t remember an occasion when I ordered from Panera Bread, and there wasn’t something wrong with it. It’s always something, even if it’s small. One time, they forgot to put croutons with my tomato soup. On another occasion, they neglected to give us the side bread roll. They’ve also put signature sauce on the Bacon Turkey Bravo, which I typically order.

Actually, that’s no small thing. I absolutely hate that. Why do most restaurants include weird sauce on their main sandwiches? Even when you go to McDonald’s, you have to ask for a plain burger if you don’t want them to ruin it with gross mustard. At Red Robin, if you request their double cheeseburger, you must tell them that you want it plain; otherwise, there will be a weird white cream on the bun, which they say is mayonnaise, but could easily be jizz.

This stuff is so gross. Who the hell wants mustard or mayo/jizz on their cheeseburgers? Yeah, maybe some people do, but I think they are deranged psychopaths. I think all sandwiches should come plain, and customers should request mustard, mayo/jizz, etc. if they want it because it’s far easier to put that stuff on a burger than it is to remove it. The last time I went to Red Robin, I forgot to ask for a plain double cheeseburger, and I was very frustrated to find some guy’s splooge on the bun. I had to request a new burger, which took way too long to prepare.

Panera Bread is just as guilty with their “signature sauce.” What the hell is in this signature sauce anyway? For all I know, they have a bunch of guys in the back, whacking themselves off to lesbian porn and then emptying their “residue” into a jar. Why would anyone want this stuff on their Bacon Turkey Bravo? Freaks who want splooge on their sandwich should have to request it!

At any rate, I discussed one big issue with Panera Bread. Another is that my wife once found a dead fly in her Caesar salad. She immediately puked up everything she had eaten, and she developed a gagging disorder for a couple of months. Any time she sat down to eat, she’d want to vomit. Yes, Panera Bread is guilty of causing psychological disorders.

Panera Bread has also forgotten parts of our order entirely. I once asked for tomato soup, but didn’t get it at all. On another occasion, I received half a Turkey Bacon Bravo instead of a whole sandwich. One recent time, there was no macaroni and cheese. Depriving a fat man of his macaroni and cheese is a high crime.

Now, you might be asking, “Walt, why not just go back to Panera Bread, tell them they screwed up, and request them to fix the order?” I can do that, but it’s so tedious, especially if it’s cold outside. Instead of sitting down to eat when hungry, having to get dressed, go back outside, and drive to the restaurant is a pain, and then you have to wait an eternity for them to prepare the missing item because another negative with Panera Bread is the wait time. I once ordered just macaroni and cheese because I was out with my kids and we went to Arby’s, which no longer served macaroni and cheese. I promised them some mac-and-cheese, so I had to deliver. We stopped in at Panera Bread, which is across the street, and I figured it would take them a few minutes to prepare it. We waited 20 minutes, which as any parent knows, is an eternity with two young kids in a restaurant. And, of course, neither child ended up eating the macaroni and cheese, but that’s another story!

I had issues waiting when I went to Panera Bread on Valentine’s Day. Now, you might be thinking, “Walt, you pathetic excuse for a husband, why didn’t you take your wife to a fancy restaurant on Valentine’s Day instead of Panera Bread, where she once developed a gagging order from having a fly in her salad?” A fair question, but don’t think I suck as a husband because it was her choice! I asked her if she wanted to go out to a nice restaurant, and she said no. She said she would rather order from somewhere and then watch some TV at home. I asked where, and she said Panera Bread. So, f**k you if you thought that!

My wife also asked me to pick up some candy for my son’s class. There happens to be an Acme across the street from Panera Bread, so I figured I’d get the candy and then hop over to Panera Bread, but I quickly recognized that this was stupid. Because the wait times at Panera Bread are so long, I realized I could go to Panera Bread, make an order, leave the restaurant, go to Acme, get the candy, and then return to Panera Bread and be just on time.

To give you an idea of how long the wait times are, I did exactly that. I returned to Panera Bread and expected my order to be on the counter, but it still wasn’t ready!

I went to the bathroom and then waited five minutes, and that’s when I saw them finally preparing my meal. It was about time!

Except, something was wrong. They were making the meal as if I had requested to dine in instead of wanting it to go. I asked one of the food preparers if this order was for a Walter Cherepinsky, and she confirmed it. I told her that I told the cashier that I wanted it to go.

This girl’s face sank as though she was just informed that a family member of hers passed away.

“Did the cashier ask you if you wanted this for here or to go?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said before realizing that I may have gotten someone fired or at least reprimanded. “At least, I’m pretty sure she did, but I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, so maybe I said the wrong thing.”

“Believe me, it’s not the first time,” the girl said, sighing. She then turned to her male cohort and said, “We need to pack this up. She screwed up again.”

“Again?” asked the guy.

“Yeah, for an Asian girl, she’s pretty dumb.”

Wow! Racist shots fired! Except, it wasn’t really racist because the female preparer was also Asian, so I guess that was fine. Not that I’m one to care about such things anyway.

I obviously had to wait a bit longer, but I finally got our food. I returned home and nearly ruined our dinner because the f**king paper bag Panera Bread puts the food in ripped. Two plastic spoons and one of the bread rolls dropped onto the street. Luckily, there were three bread rolls remaining, but still, why do some dumb stores and restaurants insist on packing everything in a paper bag, which almost always rips? Put it in a damn plastic bag! And yes, they want to care about the environment, but to that I say environment enshmironment. Why should I care about the f**king environment if my dinner sometimes falls onto the street?

After what seemed like an eternity, my wife and I finally sat down to eat. It didn’t take me very long to realize something was missing.

“They forgot my pickle,” I said.

My wife shook her head and sighed, “It’s always something with them.”

Yup. I guess the girl preparing my food wasn’t very smart either.

Jerks of the Week – Feb. 23, 2026

Walt — Sat, 21 Feb 2026 09:37:29 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The Play Pad Birthday Bash

My wife asked me a silly question the other day.

“Do you want to take the kids with me to A.J.’s birthday party?”

For context, A.J. is the son of one of our friends, and he was turning four. The party would be held at a play pad, which is basically an indoor playground for kids with slides, jungle gyms, and arcade games.

I imagine some of you would be repulsed by the idea of attending a kids’ birthday party, but I was looking forward to it. You see, I work from home every day, and with my recent ankle injury, I haven’t gotten to the gym very much. I haven’t interacted with many adults outside of my family for a while, so any excuse to meet new people was very welcome. Plus, the kids would undoubtedly have a great time.

In general, I was hoping for a repeat of the last kids’ birthday party I attended. I took my 4-year-old son Conrad to his friend Wynter’s birthday party, which I documented in the Jerks of the Week entry, Wynter Is Coming. In that entry, I mentioned that the only parent there, excluding the birthday girl’s parents and those who likely have profited from local Learing Centers, was this pretty woman who laughed hysterically at everything I said. I still can’t believe how hilarious she thought I was. I wasn’t joking when I said I feared for her safety when I told her a joke while we were in the arcade area of Sahara Sam’s. I seriously thought there was a good chance she was going to keel over and die of laughter.

Would someone else find me nearly as amusing at this latest birthday party? Unfortunately, no. In fact, it was quite the polar-opposite experience.

My wife and daughter joined us, as my 2-year-old daughter, Lilly, was actually invited this time. We drove over on a recent Saturday and arrived at the play pad several minutes after the party began.

It didn’t take the kids very long to rush into the play area. It also didn’t take me very long to have my first awkward interaction with a fellow parent.

Lilly initially rushed into a playhouse. I peered inside to see what she was doing, and I noticed that there was a slightly older boy in there with her. The boy’s mom, a woman with a plain face, was watching over him. I took this opportunity to joke, “Looks like we got a couple of roommates here.”

She did not laugh. I did, at least, get a slight chuckle.

“Yeah, roommates,” she snorted slightly before following her son elsewhere.

A poor attempt to interact with a fellow parent, but the day was young! It was also young for my kids, as Conrad charged into the main play jungle gym. Lilly, meanwhile, was a bit more cautious, given that this was her first kids’ birthday party where she didn’t know plenty of family members and friends.

Lilly tried all sorts of things until she realized that she loved the slides the best. One area had two slides, and she went on the smaller one first and then realized that the larger one was more fun. After each time she went down the slide, she ran up to me and said, “I’m gonna do again!” and then proceeded back to the slide, almost as if she needed my permission each time she went back to the slide.

Another tendency Lilly had was that once she became comfortable with the environment, she began sticking her tongue out, as if she were Michael Jordan when dunking a basketball. Lilly was quite good at sliding despite her very young age, so I began to wonder if this is what all the great prodigies do. Jordan was the best at basketball, while Lilly was the best 2-year-old slider, and they both stuck out their tongues the entire time. I then pondered if I should stick out my tongue whenever I eat cheeseburgers because, believe me, no one is better at eating cheeseburgers than me.

As I thought about this, three people really caught my attention. Two were a mother-daughter pair. I knew instantly that I wanted no business talking to the mother, and no, she did not resemble a learing center staffer. I took a picture, because there’s no way you’d believe me if I described these two people to you:

This picture is from February 2026. Not 2020 or 2021. Two thousand and freaking twenty-six, and this abomination of a human being is not only wearing a dumb mask, but strapped one onto her little girl as well. There is a certain place in Hell reserved for women like her. Look, if you want to be a complete imbecile and wear a mask that doesn’t prevent transmission from anything, be my guest. But don’t deprive your child of oxygen just because you are too dumb to understand how simple science works. As a libertarian, I hate involving the government in anything, but I truly believe that social services should seize the daughter away from this vile woman.

At any rate, the third person of note was a woman sitting next to me. She was an attractive blonde wearing bright red pants and a matching hairclip. I struck out talking to a parent the first time, so I couldn’t possibly fail again, right?

“I don’t think my daughter will ever want to leave,” I said. “If this place closed at night with her still in it, I think she’d still keep sliding in the dark.”

Red Pants Woman did not have much of a response.

“You shouldn’t let your child slide in the dark.”

Yikes. Talk about the cold shoulder. I wasn’t even trying to flirt with her, or anything. I just wanted to strike a conversation with another parent, but she wasn’t having it. All she could offer was some obvious advice. Thanks, Red Pants Woman, I will not stay in this place after closing and allow my daughter to slide all night.

I really needed some obvious advice for how to corral our kids for pizza time. I thought it would be as easy as saying, “Time for pizza.” As a fat man, I’d rush into the food room, knocking people out of the way like George Costanza in that one Seinfeld episode where he thought there was a fire. “PIZZA! PIZZA! OUT OF MY WAY! PIZZA!”

My kids, conversely, didn’t want anything to do with pizza. Conrad didn’t want to leave the jungle gym, while Lilly was too preoccupied with her sliding. I tried my luck with Red Pants Woman again.

“I never thought it would be so difficult to get a kid to eat pizza,” I said.

“I don’t like pizza,” she replied.

Wow. Do you like anything? Or are you someone who watches paint dry as a hobby?

It took me a while – partly because Conrad escaped the food room, so I had to hunt him down – but my two kids finally sat down at their table and began eating their slice of pizza. I was secretly jealous. I hadn’t eaten much that day, so the sight of pizza made me very hungry. I discovered that my wife felt the same way when she asked, “There are two whole pizzas over there, so do you think the adults can have some?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I already made enough enemies with the two women I spoke to, so I didn’t think I would be able to get away with being the first adult to steal some pizza from the children. Thankfully, A.J.’s dad told us that we were more than welcome to help ourselves to some pizza. I guess everyone shared the same sentiment as me and my wife because they all rushed over to grab a slice of pizza. All, of course, save for Red Pants Woman, who just sat there and looked miserable. So sorry, Red Pants Woman, that A.J.’s parents didn’t provide birthday broccoli and brussels sprouts for you.

My wife asked me to get her a slice of pizza, so while every other parent took once slice for themselves, I put two on my plate. This caught the attention of a bearded father.

“Double slicing it up, are ya there, sport?” he asked.

OK, a**hole, first of all, anyone who calls someone else “sport” is as vile as a murderer, a rapist, or a communist in my book. Sport. F**k off with your “sport,” you mother f**ker.

Second, I was not intending to eat both slices even though I desperately wanted to do so. I tried to explain it to this “sport” psychopath.

“One’s for my wife,” I responded.

“Sure, sport,” he said.

Would it have been in good taste had I strangled this guy? Seriously. “Sport.” I can’t believe he called me “Sport.” What a f**king a**hole.

Forget social services removing the daughter away from that moronic mask lady. Social services need to make it a priority that this “Sport” douche communist f**k isn’t in charge of any children ever again.

Jerks of the Week – Feb. 16, 2026

Walt — Fri, 13 Feb 2026 06:50:39 +0000

Jerk of the Week: Andale

My wife has a wild theory about mattress stores.

“There’s just fronts for mob operations,” she said. “Have you ever seen anyone in a mattress store? I bet if you just watched a mattress store each day, you wouldn’t see more than one or two people go into it.”

“Well, we’re going,” I countered as we drove over to our local Mattress Firm.

“Yeah, because we need a new bed,” she said. “But how often do people need a new bed? It’s pretty uncommon. I’m willing to bet that mattress stores can go weeks without a single customer. So, how do they stay open?”

I countered with mattress stores really only needing a couple of sales each week to remain solvent, given how expensive mattresses can be. I was dreading the price, but we did, in fact, need a new mattress. I bought our old mattress when I first moved into my house in 2010. The mattress lasted 15 years, but was eventually ruined because our two kids began jumping on the bed. Of course, it didn’t help that my obese self plopped into bed every night.

Sure enough, Mattress Firm was completely empty when we entered. The salesman in the store, a husky-looking guy with a buzzcut, was on the phone.

“Tell him that he better pay off the bets he placed last week, or Fat Joey’s gonna break his fingers,” he said to someone on the phone, all while motioning to us that we could look around while he was chatting.

My wife gave me an “I told you so” glance, but I dismissed her. This type of dialect didn’t necessarily mean that he was part of the mob. Any guy could speak like that.

Anyway, we looked at some mattresses for a few minutes, and then the salesman walked over to us.

“Sorry about that, an associate of mine was, how do you say, very delinquent with his payments, so I had to, how do you say, incentivize him to come up with the appropriate funds,” the salesman said.

The salesman then asked us if something caught our eye, and my wife pointed out one of the mattresses

“That’s the Tempur-Pedic,” he said. “If you have a bad back, one night in that bed, and you’ll feel like you’re sleepin’ with the fishes.”

My wife shot me another look. I shrugged my shoulders. If he couldn’t have heard me, I would have said, “Maybe he just talks like that?”

We ended up purchasing the mattress. As we were settling the payment, he told us that we could pay any amount above the minimum due each month, as long as we paid it off in 48 months.

“It’s very important that you pay it off in 48 months,” he said with a serious tone.

“Oh yeah, what happens if I don’t?” I asked jokingly.

“Then, we’ll find a way to persuade you to pay it off, or there might be, how do you say, some limbs lost,” he said stoically.

“Oh, come on, Walt, this guy is obviously in the mob!” my wife exclaimed after we left the store.

“I’m not so sure…” I said.

OK, fine, fine, fine, he didn’t say all that – though my wife was still convinced he was in the mob by his mannerisms.

Either way, I’m not going to risk being delinquent on my payments. There’s no way in hell I want to deal with Fat Joey.

It was dinner time when we were done in Mattress Firm. My wife said she was in the mood for Mexican food, but our favorite Mexican restaurant was in the opposite direction from our house. She then said she wanted to try a Mexican restaurant called Andale, which opened in the same shopping center several years ago.

I’m always down to try new Mexican food, so we wandered into Andale, and I initially had the sensation that I was in a downtown Philly restaurant. This is not a good thing. If you’ve ever been to any urban restaurant, it’s uncomfortably narrow because there’s not much room inside the building as a result of it being sandwiched between so many other buildings. I always get the sensation of claustrophobia whenever I’m in one of those restaurants. I had the same feeling in Andale, so it felt like I was downtown. However, I knew that wasn’t the case because I didn’t see any cockroaches on the floor or blue-haired fat women sitting at one of the tables. I’m not sure which is more disgusting between the cockroaches and the blue-haired fat women, by the way.

While there were no blue-haired fat women at Andale – they’ve all gathered in Minneapolis to protest something stupid if you haven’t heard the news – the customers standing behind us in Andale were some of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen. I’m no male model, but these people looked like they were science experiments in some lab. Some had boils and lesions on their skin, almost as if they escaped the plague. It’s a shame for them that the casting director of some zombie movie didn’t wander into Andale because they would have hired all of the patrons right on the spot.

There were a bunch of these mutant individuals standing behind us because it was taking an eternity for anyone to take our order. When we entered Andale, there was one guy standing in front of us. Ten minutes later, he was still there, and a dozen or so mutants walked in and were waiting behind us. For a restaurant named Andale, the workers were sure taking their time.

The wait allowed me to get a good look at the menu. Andale had this item called Street Tacos, which sounded good to me. There were a couple of items in there I didn’t like, including onions, which I think are absolutely disgusting in anything. I never liked them, but I could at least tolerate them until one fateful night in Tampa Bay. I was visiting Charlie Campbell when we went out to eat at some placed called the Salad Bowl, or something. This place allowed you to have anything you wanted in a salad bowl, which is a cool concept. However, it wasn’t implemented well because they put too many onions in my bowl. That night, I had a nightmare that I was eating a bowl of nothing but onions. I woke up in a cold sweat, rushed to the bathroom, and vomited all over the place. I haven’t been able to eat onions since.

I was naturally going to ask the Andale employees to exclude onions, but then I saw the disclaimer below the item on the menu:

NO CHANGES TO STREET TACOS CAN BE MADE

No changes at all? What if I were allergic to something in the Street Tacos? I just couldn’t eat them? What sort of authoritarian, communist dystopia was this restaurant? After all of these years, I finally learned what it was like for my ancestors to live under the communist boot in the USSR. They must have been extremely pissed that they couldn’t remove onions from their street tacos either.

Luckily, my wife pointed out that they had a “create your own taco” option.

“Phew, thank God I won’t have to remove the onions by hand,” I told my wife, who rolled her eyes.

“You’re just going to get meat and cheese, aren’t you?” she asked.

“And tomatoes!” I chirped.

“I don’t think they have tomatoes,” she said.

“OK, well, just the meat and cheese then,” I replied.

Some people call me simple eater. When I tell them that I’m a simpleton in general, they laugh, but I don’t know why.

Anyway, it was finally our turn to order food. I asked them for a cheese quesadilla and three create-your-own tacos. When a person behind me heard “three,” they groaned, almost as if they knew they’d be waiting for an eternity. That, or they saw themselves in the mirror.

I asked the bespectacled woman behind the counter for just meat and cheese, and she asked, “That’s it? No nothing else?”

I shook my head. “No,” I answered.

“You really no want anything else?” she asked.

“Nope, just meat and cheese,” I replied.

She then muttered something under her breath, almost as in disbelief. I considered explaining my simpleton status to her, but she seemed too busy for that.

To my annoyance, the woman put some goop that may have been queso into a tiny saucer and put in a bag, almost as if she thought it was sacrilegious to put queso into a taco. Again, asking her to alter her methods would have made this entire ordeal longer than it already had been, so I let it go. And to my chagrin later, she put queso salsa into the cup instead of regular queso. I guess she really didn’t believe that I just wanted meat and cheese.

When it was time for me to pay, a man with a mustache told me that it was $15, which seemed very reasonable for three tacos and a cheese quesadilla. I put in my credit card, when my wife said, “I think you forgot to charge him for the cheese quesadilla.”

Seriously, wife, what the hell? I hadn’t even realized that, but we could have gotten away with a free cheese quesadilla, which is like finding a gold coin in this economy. Maybe my wife thought she was still dealing with mobsters, which is the only explanation I could have for her ratting me out to the guy with the mustache, who looked very displeased that I apparently was trying to rob him. Maybe you should check to see if you charged me for everything first, buddy! Why ring me up if you didn’t glance at my entire order?

Despite the queso salsa mishap, the food was actually quite good. I prefer our normal Mexican place, but Andale is worth a shot if you’re ever randomly in my area. Just make sure you have a lot of time to kill, and also please make sure you don’t try to get away with a free quesadilla if there’s someone who might look like a Fat Joey in the restaurant.

Jerks of the Week – Feb. 9, 2026

Walt — Fri, 06 Feb 2026 21:50:01 +0000

Jerk of the Week: The San Francisco Poop Patrol

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin

I don’t like to begin articles of any sort, including Jerks of the Week entries, with a quote. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s just not my style. Rather than have someone say something for me, I’d rather just say it.

However, Carlin’s quote about how dumb half of the population happens to be is very appropriate for this Jerks of the Week entry, as you’ll see. I never imagined that a simple reply of mine on social media would garner so much attention from individuals with single-digit IQs.

It all started when I saw a quote from NFL reporter Albert Breer posted the following on X:

I always knew Breer was mentally handicapped, but this took it to another level. How could anyone, besides someone who rode the short bus as a child, say that they love San Francisco? Even if it’s your home, it still seems like a completely outlandish thing to say. I’m originally from Philadelphia, and I can admit how much of a dumpster fire this God-forsaken city is. It would be like saying, “I love this fungal wart I have on my foot. This is a medical thing, for some people, and there are some downsides to it, but if you’re demeaning it, then it’s obvious what you are doing.”

What you are doing, by the way, is pointing out something that’s bad and hurting the narrative that the mentally ill have created for themselves. The narrative in the case of San Francisco is that it’s a city with poop all over the place. The homeless problem is out of control in that city despite billions of dollars being appropriated to supposedly fix it, and because there are bums everywhere, those bums secrete brown stuff out of their bums, causing the entire city to smell of rotting feces.

You’re not supposed to say that, however, according to Breer. That’s not allowed, and it’s obvious as to what I’m doing. And what I’m doing is telling you the truth.

But don’t take my word for it. Just do a Google search yourself, or better yet, look at this result I found from my own Google search:

This isn’t something I conjured in my head. I heard about San Francisco’s dire poop problem because I listen to the news.

So, just imagine that you’re me, and you’ve heard about San Francisco’s poop problem eight years ago. Then, you see an NFL reporter express his love for a city filled to the brim in fecal matter and then chide those who don’t agree with him. If you’re in my shoes, how would you react? Well, I can answer that for you:

The reply received 112 likes as of this posting, so enough people understood what reference I was making. I expected as such because, remember, this has been ingrained in my head for nearly a decade. What I didn’t expect, however, was for my reply to Breer to strike a serious nerve with some people. And as I learned, these were the people who were stupider than the average, as Carlin would say.

Here are some replies to this post, as well as my responses to them. And as a disclaimer, I must note that you might lose some IQ points as a result of reading the opinions of these mentally challenged people.

Game? What game? Does this guy think that actual news and facts are a game? I told you these people were dumb.

Oh, and I was being completely truthful with the first part of my response. I view my readers as the sharpest football fans out there because no one has been more accurate in our draft predictions than me and Charlie (proof in the link for those who are somehow still doubters.) We’ve also been great with our NFL futures, releasing the Eagles at 40/1 and 18/1 the two times they won the Super Bowl, as two of many examples. There’s a lot of horrible content out there, and the stupid football fans aren’t able to discern that from great content. The fact that this guy is ashamed proves that he is one of those individuals, which is why I’m not happy that he used to be a reader of the site. He just makes us look bad.

Before, I show you someone else’s response, it should come as no surprise to you that this guy blocked me. I’ve long maintained that anyone who blocks someone on social media has the temperament of a 12-year-old girl, which would certainly apply to this bozo.

Moving on, JohnforAmerica isn’t the only one who is unaware of the poop patrol:

Imagine being clueless enough to accuse someone of “making s**t up out of their a**” when you can easily just read/listen to the news, or easier yet, do a quick Google search. Are people like Tonya willingly uninformed, or do they not have the mental capacity to learn what is truly happening in the world? Serious question.

Tonya responded to me:

Retarded for what, proving her wrong via Google search? Is it possible that Tonya is so dumb that she has never even heard of Google? You can’t count anything out with these people. Oh, and she never responded to me, so I’m assuming my guess on her cat ownership was quite accurate.

Next, we have someone who believes that I just have an aversion to big cities, which is true. I think one of my first Jerks of the Week entries ever criticized downtown Philadelphia, and how gross it is.

Unless you make an insane living downtown, like at an investment firm, or something, I think there is seriously something wrong with you if you live in a downtown city. Crime is through the roof. There are homeless everywhere. Traffic is a nightmare. The environment smells of sour milk and rotting feces. The buildings are infested with rats and cockroaches. The schools suck. There are blue-haired cat ladies with bull nose piercings everywhere. Talk about a nightmare. You couldn’t pay me six figures to live in such a s**t hole.

Anyway, we haven’t gotten to someone who has wished death upon me, so allow me to present David Shuman:

So, this guy believes I should die and go to Hell because I (accurately) pointed out that San Francisco has a fecal problem? That’s pretty deranged. It sounds like David is the one who is going to spend the rest of eternity with Satan.

The most surprising thing about this exchange, by the way, is that David not only reproduced, but also didn’t kill his son before he was born. These types love murdering their children, so I would have assumed David would have done so.

Meanwhile, this guy didn’t quite ask me to kill myself, though he asked me to jump into the ocean in the beginning of February:

People in Miami are reading this and thinking, “What’s wrong with that?” When my wife and I were in Miami for the Super Bowl six years ago, we went into the ocean. Miami is much better than San Francisco or Philly, though it also has its problems. I suppose it’s the nicest smelling of the poops if we want to maintain our fecal theme.

Speaking of other cities, this Malik guy referenced Philadelphia because I have Philly as my location in my X bio. I don’t care if someone brings up Philly because A) I don’t live in the city anymore, and B) even if I did, I wouldn’t mindlessly devote myself to the city just because I lived there. That’s a dumb thing to do.

Are you ready for a double-whammy? Malik countered by criticizing all big cities – doing my work for me in the process – and then got self-owned:

Imagine having such little brain capacity that a Google search is impossible. Then again, I should have expected such from someone with an X handle of “NBASongz.” Songs with a “Z.” How creative!

LexusNexus is next up to the plate to expose themselves as a single-digit IQ person:

You’re up, Meta Kai:

Go ahead, Jacob:

Hint: You’re mentally retarded. Take your turn, Jacky Sacxy:

Does your brain hurt to be this dumb? If you’re one of the people I’ve posted about in this Jerks of the Week entry, please let me know!

At least this guy has notes:

Does this guy check his notes before or after he smears his mom’s lipstick on his face and adjusts his revenge list?

And here, this guy proves my point for me:

So, not only does San Francisco have rampant poop on the street; it also costs $4,000 to live in a “shoe box” in that city? Thanks, AthletesInSpace, for giving me another reason to believe that San Francisco stinks!