Dallas Cowboys 34, New York Jets 3:
Let's talk about the Jets first because I have a lot to say about them. It's one thing to not show up to a meaningless game toward the end of the season that is limited to two fanbases. It's another to play lethargically in front of a national audience. The Jets should be ashamed of themselves. The receivers slacked on their routes, the offensive line forgot how to block,and the coaching staff, especially one individual in particular - I'll get to him soon - had no gameplan.

That said, maybe the Jets gave up after blowing multiple breaks early. They allowed Dallas to convert a 3rd-and-9 on the first drive after a false start. They dropped a pick in Cowboys territory. They failed to recover a fumble at midfield. They also bobbled the ball at their own 1-yard line on a punt, letting it dribble into the end zone. And Leon Washington fumbled the ball away on a kickoff return. All of this was early in the first half.

And now for the Thanksgiving Turd. That award belongs to Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer, who continuously and predictably called running plays on first down, placing his first-year-starting signal caller in second-and-long, allowing Dallas' defense to feast on him.

Here are some interesting stats. These are from the first three quarters, when the game was still in hand.

Series in which Schottenheimer called a run on first down:
Times a Run Was Called: 11
Average Yards Gained on Series: 6.0
Number of First Downs: 3
Number of Sacks/Fumbles/Interceptions/Penalties: 5
Number of Punts/Turnovers at End of Series: 8

Series in which Schottenheimer called a pass on first down:
Times a Pass Was Called: 3
Average Yards Gained on Series: 14.0
Number of First Downs: 3
Number of Sacks/Fumbles/Interceptions/Penalties: 0
Number of Punts/Turnovers at End of Series: 0

Part of being a coach is figuring out what works and adjusting to it. Part of being an offensive coordinator is to confuse the defense with unpredictable play-calling. Apparently, Schottenheimer doesn't have the foresight to be an offensive coordinator in this league. Instead, he repeatedly put his first-year-starting quarterback in an unfavorable position.

He needs to be fired at the end of the year. If he isn't, the Jets will once again suffer through a losing season. I wouldn't even be surprised if Clemens gets hurt because of Schottenheimer's ineptness.

Halftime performance: Question - was the person who helped put on Kelly Clarkson's mascara Hellen Keller? It looked as if the makeup artist was blind or smoking crack while doing the job. And by the way, how did she win American Idol? She can't sing!

Green Bay Packers 37, Detroit Lions 29:
For the past few years, I've ranted about how the Lions should be stripped of their Thanksgiving game because they haven't been able to compete with 95 percent of the league. They were blown out three years in a row, and the games were consequently unwatchable. I stated that until Detroit became a stable organization, its Thanksgiving contests should be give to a more deserving franchise, like New England, Indianapolis or Chicago.

Well, the Lions are now competitive. Their offense is really fun to watch. Their defense still needs a lot of work, their running game is abysmal and the offensive coordinator gets his quarterback killed every Sunday, but they are now a playoff contender.

Give the Lions a lot of credit - they brought everything to the Thanksgiving table. They came out of the tunnel with tons of energy and quickly established a 6-0 lead. Even when they were down 34-12, they never gave up, drawing to within eight with a few minutes remaining in regulation.

What happened to Green Bay's defense in the fourth quarter, by the way? They surrendered two touchdown drives to Detroit. It was as if the Packers were obese men who fell asleep on the couch after eating too much turkey. You have to wonder if they were secretly eating turkey on the sidelines when up 34-12.

One guy who definitely didn't slack was Brett Favre; he was 31-of-41, 383 yards and three touchdowns. At one point in the second half, Favre completed 20 consecutive passes, breaking Green Bay's all-time record of 18.

Halftime performance: The Goo Goo Dolls were pretty good. The thing is, Ford Field sounded like a morgue. There was no life coming from the soundless crowd. I wouldn't blame the Dolls though - after establishing a 6-0 lead, their Lions were trailing 17-9 at intermission.

Indianapolis Colts 31, Atlanta Falcons 13:
After all that negativity in the Jets-Dallas write-up, let's start this capsule off by congratulating Warrick Dunn for being the 22nd player in NFL history to eclipse 10,000 rushing yards, and Peyton Manning for passing Johnny Unitas for 10th all time in passing yards.

Back to more negative! Let's break the Falcons down. Alge Crumpler sucks now. I don't know what happened to him, but he has gone from a top-10 tight end to a fat slob who drops every pass. And the sad thing is, he's not even Joey Harrington's worst target. Laurent Robinson could possibly be the worst receiver in NFL history. He bobbles throws beamed at him, and runs horrendous and incorrect routes. I know he's just a rookie, but I have a hunch he's not going to be the next Jerry Rice.

Of course, this all stems from the coach, and Atlanta's coach happens to be clueless on every level. Bobby Petrino challenges calls minutes too late, has no clue when or what to challenge, looks confused on the sideline, benches his quarterback after a two-game winning streak in favor of an inferior one, and doesn't inspire his team at all. I have no idea how this guy won at Louisville. None. He must be a really great recruiter because the NFL has exposed how much of a fraud coach he is.

Cleveland Browns 27, Houston Texans 17:
I don't know how I did it, but I must have desecrated an Indian burial ground recently. I've had more bad luck over the past four days than I've ever had. Everything that could have went wrong went awry, especially in the NFL. I had the Texans as a huge play, but they shot themselves in the foot way too many times.

Three key plays completely destroyed their chances of winning. Early in the second quarter, the ball bounced off Joel Dreessen's hands and into the arms of D'Qwell Jackson, who picked off the pass on Cleveland's 36. The next drive, Owen Daniels dropped an easy pass inside the Browns' 5-yard line. In the middle of the third quarter, Daniels fumbled the ball away on Cleveland's 22. That's three potential scores ruined by careless errors. Congratulations, Texans, you suck at life.

With that in mind, can we please get Matt Schaub some better receivers? Seriously - Joel Dreessen? Andre Davis? Kevin Walter? Even Daniels, who racks up great numbers, kills the team with fumbles and drops.

I'm too frustrated to write any more. I will give the Browns credit, however. They should have been flat in the wake of their crazy game against Baltimore. They showed up energized and won.

Jacksonville Jaguars 36, Buffalo Bills 14:
I picked the Bills to cover this game because I thought the Jaguars would be unfocused, given that they were coming off a victory against San Diego and presumably looking ahead to the Colts. Unfortunately, Buffalo was the team that came out as bewildered and disoriented as Carl Winslow after his Thanksgiving feast. Early in the first quarter, a Jaguars punt was nullified because the Bills had 12 men on the field. Jacksonville was awarded a first down, and on the next play, Fred Taylor scampered for a 50-yard score.

Another area the Bills completely sucked is third-down defense, as they surrendered 9-of-16 attempts to the Jaguars. Blowing it on third down to New England is one thing. Yielding a plethora of long conversions to a team without any talent at wide out is another.

And why is J.P. Lossman playing? (Editor's note: J.P. Losman will now be known as J.P. Lossman on this Web site - not the most creative thing in the world but it's very accurate.) Lossman looks good at times, but he just doesn't have the poise and intangibles to consistently win and perform well. Seriously, how can you go 13-of-18 and garner only 86 yards? I haven't even talked about his two picks yet...

I'd like to keep ranting about Buffalo, but one of the members on my forum, Bills_Red, posted a great write-up about the team's performance: Check it out here.

Minnesota Vikings 41, New York Giants 17:
Thank God I was already eliminated in my Survivor pools because I would have selected the Giants as my pick. If so, there would have been a good chance I would have lit a paper bag filled with dog poop and placed it on Eli Manning's porch. Manning tossed four interceptions against the Vikings, who usually can't stop anyone from throwing the ball. Three of the picks were returned for touchdowns, marking the first time a quarterback surrendered a trifecta of pick-sixes since Ed Baker (1972, Houston).

I can't believe Tarvaris Jackson was the best quarterback on the field at the Meadowlands. Jackson economically finished 10-of-12 for 129 yards and a score, including a 60-yard bomb to Sidney Rice early in the first quarter. Come to think of it, all of the Mannings should be expecting dozens, if not hundreds of flaming bags of dog poop; if Tarvaris Jackson outperforms you in anything related to football, your entire family is forced to live a life of shame.

Implosion, much? In the grand scheme of things, it appears as though the Giants are well on their way to beginning their patented late-season swoon. And speaking of meltdowns, why does it seem like the Vikings and Giants always mentally destroy each other? In 2003, Minnesota's perfect 5-0 start was shattered by a 29-17 loss to New York. The team went on to lose three more after that to close the season 9-7. The following year, a 5-1 Vikings start was ruined by a 34-13 defeat to the Giants. They concluded 2004 campaign with an 8-8 record.

Minnesota flipped the script the next season, picking Manning off four times (sound familiar?) in a 24-21 victory as a double-digit underdog. And now this... What is it with these two teams? They should just agree that the squad with the worse record surrenders.

New Orleans Saints 31, Carolina Panthers 6:
In case it wasn't clear before, David Carr is a bust. He's garbage. Five minutes into the second quarter, he was 1-of-9 for seven yards and a pick. Awesome.

Carr managed to complete a 40-yard pass to Drew Carter after starting 0-for-5, but that pass was wiped out by an illegal formation. No shock there - Carolina was horrible in every facet of the game, including the time of possession, which they lost 39:23 to 20:37. That's just embarrassing.

Oakland Raiders 20, Kansas City Chiefs 17:
Herm Edwards is who I (and everyone else) thought he was! When the Chiefs were in first place a few weeks ago, I stated that I had no idea how clue he was leading his squad to a winning record. Well, the Chiefs have lost the past couple of weeks, including a 20-17 decision to the Raiders. Edwards completely botched the end of the game, when he eschewed a 41-yard field goal with about four minutes remaining in regulation, going for it on a 4th-and-1. Kolby Smith was stuffed for a loss, which is why the Chiefs are now 4-7 instead of 5-6.

Smith had a great game though; he rushed for 150 yards and two touchdowns. In fact, after gaining 57 yards in the first nine minutes of the contest, he was on pace for 380 rushing yards for the afternoon. I was going to bash Oakland's defense for this, but it came up big in the clutch, so I'll lay off for a week.

That said, the Raiders need to get rid of stupid penalties if they want to win on a more consistent basis. On a crucial 3rd-and-1 in Kansas City's territory in the third quarter, Oakland didn't even have a shot to run a play because one of its linemen false started. Daunte Culpepper consequently threw incomplete on 3rd-and-6.

Speaking of Culpepper, where's JaMarcus Russell? Why are the Raiders wasting their time with the King of Fumbles? And Culpepper's not even fumbling that much, so I can't even make fun of him. Ugh, he's useless!

And while we're on the subject of crappy quarterbacks, Brodie Croyle was 3-of-10 for 50 yards and a pick of halftime. Just a hunch, but I don't think he's the second coming. I still think he deserves a shot to prove himself, but I haven't really seen any signs of greatness (or even mediocrity) just yet.

Seattle Seahawks 24, St. Louis Rams 19:
Wow, look, the Rams are getting healthy again! They're 2-8, but they're ahead of the hot Seahawks, 19-7 at halftime! If they win this contest, they'll be 3-8 and only three games out of a wildcar... Hey... Who's that getting carted off the field? Marc Bulger? Hmmm... Forget whatever I said!

This is a nightmare season for St. Louis. First, Orlando Pace is lost for the year. Then, Steven Jackson gets hurt. After that, Bulger breaks a few ribs. Jackson comes back against Cleveland, helps the Rams establish a lead, leaves the game and watches them lose. Jackson finally returns to the lineup full-time, and St. Louis wins two games. Now, Bulger is out, and Gus Frerotte fumbles at the worst time possible, on 4th-and-goal at the one, with two seconds remaining on the clock. Someone up there hates the Rams.

Cincinnati Bengals 35, Tennessee Titans 6:
I don't know where to start. Why don't I begin with the fact that Tennessee's offense was held to six points by a stop unit that was led in tackles by Dhani Jones, whose only specialty is his ability to sell bowties (seriously, he actually sells bowties.) I could complain about the Titans not going after any quality receivers this offseason, but it seems as though I rant about that every week. If Tennessee doesn't select a receiver in the first round of April's draft, their general manager should be thrown in prison for stupidity.

We all know Tennessee's passing attack is anemic. But what happened to the ground game? LenDale White and Chris Brown combined for 55 yards on 16 carries. Also, why didn't Vince Young run more? He had just two rushes. I hope his desire to be a pocket passer doesn't become his downfall. The reason he's been able to win early in his NFL career is his ability to scramble.

Another reason for Young's success is his defense, spearheaded by Albert Haynesworth. The Titans have struggled without Haynesworth, who's been out for what seems like five months now with a leg injury. It makes you wonder though if Haynesworth is sitting out because he doesn't want to jeopardize the contract he'll be negotiating this winter, especially considering that he practiced this week. Regardless, they really need him back; the Bengals, who can't run the ball whatsoever, were gaining 5.1 yards per carry until the fourth quarter.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 19, Washington Redskins 13:
Jeff Garcia left the game on an early drive, so it seemed as though the Redskins were on their way to an easy victory. That is, of course, until it became evident that they were gift-wrapping a win for the Buccaneers. Santana Moss, Clinton Portis, Jason Campbell and Portis (again) all fumbled inside their own 30-yard line the first 20 minutes of the game, setting up a touchdown and three field goals. Excluding those four scores, Tampa Bay had only three points and no first downs in the second half. They were outgained in the final 30 minutes of play, 316-15.

But those weren't the only turnovers the Redskins committed. Campbell tossed two picks in Buccaneers territory, when a pair of field goals would have tied it. Campbell threw for more than 300 yards, but he made poor decisions in crunch time, forcing the issue when there was no need to press.

Surprise of the game (besides the fact that it seemed like Jon Gruden paid off a few Redskins to make sure they lost): In the fourth quarter, Ricochet Reche Caldwell leaped up about 10 yards in the air and caught an extremely high pass from Campbell. Upon seeing this, I spilled a glass of soda on my keyboard in disbelief. I yelled, ?Really!? Realy!?!?? After all those easy drops against the Colts, Caldwell caught a toss like that? Now, my keyboard is sticky and myspacebardoesn'tworktoowell...

San Francisco 49ers 37, Arizona Cardinals 31:
Two very odd occurrences in this game. First, the 49ers' offense finally managed to score more than three points. They somehow put up 17 points in a single half, which I actually don't believe because I didn't see the game on TV. Nevertheless, NFL.com said San Francisco had 17 after 30 minutes of action - and they were losing! Arizona hit on a Kurt Warner-to-Larry Fitzgerald hail mary at the end of the first half. Awesome job by the 49ers' $100 million secondary.

Speaking of that defensive backfield, Kurt Warner somehow threw for 484 yards - and lost! Warner was sacked in his own end zone and coughed up the football, which was recovered by the 49ers in overtime, securing them a rare victory.

Poor Cardinals. They were double-digit favorites for the first time in 14 years. In the wake of this loss, the next time that'll happen will be 2021.

Chicago Bears 37, Denver Broncos 34:
The Bears have only one player who can score. If you're gameplanning against them, you'd almost have to be a fool to give him an opportunity to touch the ball. That's why I was shocked that a coach as respected as Mike Shanahan continuously kicked to Devin Hester. Hester returned the favor by scoring on two touchdowns, which ultimately led to Denver's demise.

There isn't much else to say about this contest - if it weren't for Hester's scores, Denver would have won, 34-17. Jay Cutler was impressive, throwing for more than 300 yards. And the Broncos found yet another runner, Andre Hall, capable of eclipsing 1,000 yards in a season. I'd say Shanahan owns a time machine, which is how he knows which backs are good, but that idea gets invalidated because he would have had the foresight not to kick to Hester. Well, maybe he does have a time machine but lacks common sense. If so, I want to know how a man with no common sense acquired a time machine.

San Diego Chargers 32, Baltimore Ravens 14:
Ready for another week of TV experts asking, ?Are the Chargers back?? San Diego's 32-14 victory may seem impressive on paper, until you remember that the Ravens are garbage. Leave it to Brian Billick to call 33 passes to just 17 runs, despite paying truckloads of money to Willis McGahee this offseason. Baltimore also neglected its aging defense, so it's no shock that it surrendered 30 points for the second week in a row.

Congratulations to LaDainian Tomlinson, who eclipsed 10,000 career rushing yards, becoming the fourth-fastest player to do so in league history.

New England Patriots 31, Philadelphia Eagles 28:
When I wrote that I most likely desecrated an Indian burial ground in the Browns-Texans capsule - which was at about 5 p.m. - I didn't think the Patriots, a 4-Unit play for me, would be affected by my bad karma. They've been flawless all year, beating everyone except Indianapolis by 17 or more. Well, not only did I desecrate a burial ground, I apparently also raided an ancient Egytpian tomb, soiled an archaic church and angered every single god in every religion known to man and animalkind.

Despite watching every play of the Patriots-Eagles tilt, I have no idea how the latter managed to stay close to New England. Did NBC pay off the Patriots to keep it tight and entertaining? Did Bill Belichick command his defense to let up just a bit, just so his team would be tested? Was everyone on New England's roster, including the kicker, who missed a chip-shot field goal in the third quarter, drunk out of their mind? I don't get it. This Eagles squad nearly lost to the Dolphins last week.

This game did reveal two things. The Patriots aren't invincible if you pass protect and put pressure on Tom Brady. On a quick side note, the Eagles haven't been able to shield their quarterback all year, which makes this result even more inexplicable.

The second thing that everyone now knows is something smart Philadelphians have realized for years. A.J. Feeley is a better quarterback than Donovan McNabb. He's more accurate and happens to be a better leader. Going into this contest, he was 5-1 as an Eagles starter. The reason he struggled in Miami was simply because the Dolphins had no weapons. That was the year Ricky Williams was suspended. If Feeley had something around him in South Beach, he would have thrived.

Still, I think the Patriots are going 19-0. This was a great test for them. The Eagles played a perfect game, yet New England still found a way to come out victorious.
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