New England Patriots (8-2) - Previously: #1 - The Patriots are unstoppable right now. But perhaps the best aspect of their win was that we got to hear this exchange on the NFL Network highlight show:
Host: That's the modus operandi against the Patriots.
Deion Sanders: Boy, I do not even understand what that mean!
Really? You don't know what M.O. means, Deion? How is that even possible?
Later, during the program, Deion said this of Jonas Gray: "He one of the Jonas brothas, if you get what I'm sayin."
Now, it's my turn to be stupid. No, Deion, I have no idea what you're saying! Why is he one of the Jonas brothas if he's black, and yet the other Jonases are white?
Green Bay Packers (7-3) - Previously: #3 - A very Pyrrhic victory for the Packers, who got into trouble with Roger Goodell:
Denver Broncos (7-3) - Previously: #2 - The good news for Peyton Manning is that he is finally not Tom Brady's sole whipping boy anymore:
The bad news is that yet another physical NFC West team beat him up, and he lost several players to injuries in the process.
Indianapolis Colts (6-4) - Previously: #4 - Tom Brady is just a hurdle Andrew Luck will have to overcome. The Colts are still a top-five team.
Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
big game coming up!!! colts r gonna kill the pats!!!
@TomBrady12 here that tom!!! my colt r gonna kill ur pats lol!!!
@TomBady12 We'll see about that. >> ooooo soooo scared!!!! LOOLLLLL!!!
ugh wtf is this jonas gray running the ball so well uggghh cmon colts d stop em
@IndianapolisColts how could u let jonas gray score 2 tds!!! ur the worst d ever!!!!
JONAS GRAY TAKING OVER THIS GAME UNREAL HES MORE LIKE JONAS GAY AM I RITE LOLLOLOLOLOL
@AndrewLuck12 TELL THE DEFENSE TO TACKLE JONAS GAY!!!
Jonas Gay now has 3 tds unreal this is a fukcksing nitemare. @IndianapolisColts worst team ever
4 tds!?!?!? whered they get jonas gay from a male porno video!?!?!? lololololol
jonas gay sounds like one of the jonas brothers except hes black but hes gay like the rest of them lol!!!
RT @NFLcommish Just got back from dinner and saw your tweets, @jimirsay. Please apologize.
@NFLcommish OK fine im sorry jonas gray ur not gay like the jonas brothers...
...EVEN THO U LIKE IT IN THE BUT HOLE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL
@NFLcommish JIM! STOP THAT! >> i was just jk roger lol!!!
Kansas City Chiefs (7-3) - Previously: #5 - A big statement win by the Chiefs, but they better not look past the Raiders on Thursday night, as Oakland will be desperate to finally win a game.
Anyway, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: Andy has a brilliant idea when he spotted the doppelganger in the stands:
This week: It doesn't take much to make Andy Reid happy:
Seattle Seahawks (6-4) - Previously: #6 - I'm not going to penalize the Seahawks for a losing a tough game I predicted them to lose. The Max Unger injury, however, could be huge, as Seattle looked completely lost without him. The Seahawks just have so many injuries right now; I don't know how they're going to overcome all of them.
San Francisco 49ers (6-4) - Previously: #7 - The 49ers won, but did it really count? After all, they were playing a quarterback who was clearly under the influence...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been 11 weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask. I must head to the Big Apple after watching Eli Manning throw those interceptions.
Eli Manning: Whooo threeww thoossee innnterrseectsshunnss innt wwassntt meee hic!
Derek Anderson: Eli, you threw five interceptions on Sunday.
Eli Manning: Noooo I dinnnd. Yeeww wannna fiiighgt abbbouut iitit hic!
Derek Anderson: You don't remember the five interceptions you had against the 49ers?
Arizona Cardinals (9-1) - Previously: #14 - The Cardinals proved themselves against the Lions, but they got a ton of help from the incompetent Jerome Boger. The Dolphins similarly had help from an incoherent Walt Coleman. How are these two men so bad at officiating? I just had to sit down with them for an interview. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Walt and Jerome, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Coleman: Where am I? What am I doing here?
Me: You agreed to do an interview. Jerome, let me start with you. What happened on some of those calls? How did the Cardinals maintain possession when batting the ball back into the field of play from the end zone?
Boger: The player had the ball in hith handth, so he pothethed it.
Me: So, all you have to do is have the ball in your hands, and that counts as possession? And what about the bad spot earlier that you failed to overturn?
Boger: The replay thowed that the runner was thort of the line to gain.
Me: No, he wasn't. What replay were you looking at?
Boger: To be honeth, Walt, I don't know how to use replayth. When I go under the hood, they have reruns of Thcooby Doo that I watch for two minuth.
Coleman: Who said my name? Did someone say my name?
Boger: I thaid Walt becauth thath'th the guy who ith interviewing uth.
Coleman: We're being interviewed? Who's interviewing us?
Boger: Walt ith interviewing uth.
Coleman: I'm interviewing myself? Why? What should I ask? OK, what is your favorite cereal? Glad you asked that Walt. My favorite cereal is Fruit Loops. What's yours, random black man with a lisp?
Me: No, I'm interviewing you. Now, I'd like to get to the shady calls in the Buffalo game...
Coleman: I thought Walt was interviewing us, and I'm Walt.
Me: No, I'm Walt, and I'm interviewing you.
Coleman: Well, if you're Walt, then who am I?
Me: You're Walt!
Coleman: Guys, I'm so confused. I think I just pooped in my adult diaper.
Me: Ugh... I guess we'll have to continue this later while you get cleaned up.
Detroit Lions (7-3) - Previously: #9 - I had the urge to put the Lions ahead of the Cardinals despite the loss, given that A) the game occurred in Arizona, B) Jerome Boger screwed over Detroit, and C) the Lions came in overconfident, thinking they could easily beat Drew Stanton. However, as I've been saying, the Lions are such a dog team, and they always find ways to lose. The Cardinals, somehow, manage to always win.
Philadelphia Eagles (7-3) - Previously: #10 - I'm not making this up: After the Green Bay blowout victory, LeSean McCoy told the media that he still thinks the Eagles are a better team than the Packers.
Does he mean the Eagles are better than the Packers at something like Chinese Checkers or darts? Because the Eagles sure as hell aren't better than the Packers at football.
Let's play "Why is Team X Not in the Top 10 Rabble Rabble Rabble!"
Dallas Cowboys: As I wrote last week, I don't like their defense at all without Justin Durant. Besides, something is going to happen that will make this team implode.
Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins easily could've been No. 10, but they got a ton of help from Walt Coleman.
New Orleans Saints: You may have noticed that the Saints aren't in the top 10 anymore. Vegas had them sixth coming into this past weekend, but I'm sick of New Orleans. The team continued to have bad luck yesterday, as Jimmy Graham and Brandin Cooks got hurt, and Keenan Lewis barely played, but maybe the Saints are cursed.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 12 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (0-10) - Previously: #32 - The Raiders are 0-10, but they just became the first team in NFL history to limit a team to a one-point score (thanks, David B.):
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9) - Previously: #31 - Another e-mailer named David - this one goes by English Dave - sent me his thoughts of the Jaguars a week ago. I thought they were worth posting, especially given that he and everyone else from England will probably be cheering for the Jaguars soon:
The Jags fan base now consists of approximately 19 fans. Eighteen of which are from the U.S., and one fan from the U.K., who is currently seeking treatment for Alzheimer's.
30. Tennessee Titans (2-8) - Previously: #29 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Steelers-Titans game.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-8) - Previously: #30 - Another entertaining e-mail from English Dave:
I'm a Bucs fan. And I'm depressed. Anyway, I'm just relaxing and watching the Packers/Bears game that I taped from last night. The Packers are currently leading 42-0. If Aaron Rodgers stays in this game till the end (which would be stupid) then I've got a feeling that this game may end up finishing 97-0. Anyway, in light of Green Bay's offensive display, I feel like I need to write a letter to the old head coach of my team, Jon Gruden.
Dear Jon, hi, it's English Dave here. I have followed the Buccaneers since I was five. I just want to let you know that I think your decision to pass over Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft was an excellent one. You knew all along that Brian Griese was a much better QB. I feel that you have been proved correct. It is very clear that Brian Griese is the kind of QB that a team can win multiple championships with, unlike Aaron Rodgers, who clearly has too many deficiencies to mention here in my short letter.
Anyway, thanks Jon, I cannot possibly explain how much I appreciate your great drafting decisions, this one in particular will live long in the memory. Very long. I can promise that if I ever see you in person that I will be sure to show you my gratitude.
28. New York Jets (2-8) - Previously: #28 - The Jets may have been on a bye week, but they definitely had to feel great about Week 11. That's because Mark Sanchez regressed following his strong Monday night performance. I could see Rex in his office, taking a break from staring at pictures of women's feet online, and yelling, "See, I told you this guy sucked!"
27. Carolina Panthers (3-7-1) - Previously: #26 - Adam Schefter posted this prior to the games this past Sunday:
Most QB sacks or hits the past 4 season:
Cam Newton 531
Ryan Fitzpatrick 272
Alex Smith 257
Joe Flacco 254
Wow, how is that possible? It's absolutely crazy that Ryan Fitzpatrick is second on that list! He's not even a scrambling quarterback, so how does he get hit so much?
26. Washington Redskins (3-7) - Previously: #24 - How in the world did the Redskins arrange to have back-to-back bye weeks? Daniel Snyder must be sleeping with someone in the league office.
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-6) - Previously: #23 - How terrible has Matt Kalil gotten? He might be the worst starting lineman in the NFL, and that's saying something because there are many bad ones out there. Just look at how easily Jared Allen beat Kalil for a sack on Sunday:
24. Chicago Bears (4-6) - Previously: #27 - Jay Cutler cares! He actually cares! It's a miracle! Thank you, Wizard of Oz, for finding the Cutler Man a heart following that horrible Green Bay loss.
23. Buffalo Bills (5-5) - Previously: #19 - So... can we finally stop pretending that the Bills are a good team? Yeah? OK, cool.
Here's some hate mail this week from the comment board below:
Our defense looked like garbage last night. 17 sacks in our last two home games. No question our offense is 18th best in league great point! Thanks Walt for being so informative and cutting edge with your analysis. No question Saints are legit that's why we have Sproles and Jenkins, hopefully we can keep up with them.
Whoooaaa all of those sacks against the mighty Giants and Panthers!!! Sooooo iiimmpreesssiivvvee woooooooo!!!
Sean Payton: "Thanks for the oral Walt! And don't be mad that I don't kiss you afterwards"
That's fine, I'm just lucky that I get to spend some homosexual time with you, teehee.
Arizona Cardinals at 14??? you must be mad, check every other major power rankings (fox, cbs, bleacher, etc) and while you're at it, put down the crack pipe
I don't smoke crack; I snort coke. Got a problem with that?
So the Saints are 4 plays away from being 8-1, and they're ranked 8th. Browns are 2 plays from 8-1, and they're ranked 17? I've seriously lost any remaining faith I've had in this @#$@ty site
And I've lost faith in this @#$@ty post. The Browns? Really? The Browns? The one team that couldn't beat Jacksonville this year?
Cardinals are a top 10 team w/o Palmer.
You forget they went 2-1 with Stanton. And the loss was to Denver, in a game where Stanton kept us closer than most all other teams whove played Denver.
Cardinals have an OK offense W/ Stanton. And a still-elite Defense.
To say "you lost your starting QB, therefore you now suck" is shortsighted.
Since when does being the No. 14 team mean that you "suck?" I feel like you wouldn't be so defensive if, deep down inside, you didn't agree with me.
its no longer about what the rankings SHOULD Be its about how much walt likes a team
This is true. And I accept bribes. If Chip Kelly gives me $500, I will rank his team No. 1 and ignore the fact that the Eagles have gotten super lucky on special teams and turnovers, something that is not sustainable against better teams in the playoffs.
You have a serious gambling problem when you use Vegas to condone your bull@#$@ rankingsm which are based on public perception and propaganda. You are clueless !, FLY EAGLES FLY - On the road to victory. Proof will be in the pudding HATER. CHIPPPPPPPPPPP
This is also true. The stupid bullies in the schoolyard all wore Eagles jerseys, and now I hate the Eagles so much that I will besmirch them in every single power rankings entry I get!!!!!! Ha! Take that bullies!!!!!
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4). Previously: #11
12. Miami Dolphins (6-4). Previously: #15
13. Baltimore Ravens (6-4). Previously: #12
14. Dallas Cowboys (7-3). Previously: #13
15. New Orleans Saints (4-6). Previously: #8
16. San Diego Chargers (6-4). Previously: #16
17. Cleveland Browns (6-4). Previously: #17
18. Cincinnati Bengals (6-3-1). Previously: #20
19. St. Louis Rams (4-6). Previously: #25
20. New York Giants (3-7). Previously: #18
21. Houston Texans (5-5). Previously: #22
22. Atlanta Falcons (4-6). Previously: #21
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: