Denver Broncos (5-1) - Previously: #2 - The Broncos' close call against the Jets doesn't seem so bad now that the Patriots nearly went down to them - at home. Denver deserves to be atop this chart, as its only defeat came in overtime at Seattle. The defense has played amazingly, ranking fifth in efficiency heading into the weekend.
Oh, and congrats to Peyton Manning for breaking Brett Favre's record. Peyton won't be the only Manning with NFL records soon:
Green Bay Packers (5-2) - Previously: #5 - The Packers have improved tremendously on the defensive side of the ball. They completely shut down a Carolina scoring attack that moved up and down the field on the Bengals with ease the week before. That was very impressive.
Having said that, part of me wants the Packers to lose a game sometime in the near future so the people in the media can stop spelling out R-E-L-A-X. It's gotten quite annoying. Then again, I imagine that they'll spell out P-A-N-I-C if the Packers lose multiple games in a row, so only one defeat is preferred.
Indianapolis Colts (5-2) - Previously: #6 - The Colts were ninth in defensive efficinecy heading into the weekend, and they'll be even better after obliterating the Bengals, who were outgained at one point, 443-42. Complete domination.
Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
whoa i can tweet again without deleting my tweets this is awesome. i'm going to talk abt what happened
@nflcommish @JimIrsay Please don't >> fukc you ill do whatever i want
i just want every1 to no that the $$$ wasnt for drugs it was for the hooker and drugs
@nflcommish @JimIrsay Please delete that tweet. >> you fukkcing delete that tweet motherfukkcer!
@nflcommish @JimIrsay You'll be suspended and won't be able to tweet again. >> Ugh ok fine
@PeytonManning18 congrats on ur record not! if you come to indy again ill bomb ur house!!!
@nflcommish @JimIrsay Please delete that tweet and apologize. >> Fine but go fukkc yourself
@PeytonManning18 Sorry I wont bomb your house i was jk lol
@PeytonManning18 u may have scored 509 tds but andrew luck will get like 1000 by next yr u dick
@PeytonManning18 ohhh 510 lollololol ur just trolling now you a**
@nflcommish @JimIrsay Please be civil. >> you fukkcing be civil u douche!1111111!!
wtf why does my exclanation points change to 1s this is some fiuked up
@PeytonManning18 hey payton sorry about that lol my nephew wants an autograph can u send it to me
@PeytonManning18 WHYY ARENT U ANSWERING ME I NO UR PLAYING A GAME NOW BUT STOP BEIN A DICK!!11!!!111
San Diego Chargers (5-2) - Previously: #3 - As we saw last year when the Colts blasted the 49ers, and then the Rams destroyed the Colts, it's hard to put stock into a loss when a team has to play a divisional game in just four days. The Chargers had no choice but to look ahead to the Broncos, so I think it's impressive that they only lost by three, especially considering that: A) They were without their top cornerback for half the game, and B) Andy Reid was coming off a bye and had two weeks to prepare for them.
Dallas Cowboys (6-1) - Previously: #9 - I think Dallas fans would have aneurysms if I didn't put their team in the top five, so to prevent that, here we are. Still, I'll undoubtedly get hate mail from them and others, which I'll either A) dismiss, or B) make fun of. Here's some of last week's hate mail:
How was Phil Sims decision idiotic? And how is the Washington Football Club's name not controversial? The US has a genocide on an entire race but it's somehow okay to "honor" them with a terrible name like "Redskins?" How about we "honor" the blacks who had to endure slavery by naming whatever team eventually pops up in LA the "Blackskins." Because there obviously won't be any controversy there. But clearly Walter, a white guy who grew up in the suburbs such as yourself could never see beyond your own ignorance.
There's something beyond my own ignorance? I can't see it! No one cares about the controversy, so let's move on.
I'm sad but I think I'm done with this site. I like Walt but his logic is ridiculous and he has the complete inability to admit when he's wrong.
I'm done with this site too. Walt's such an idiot for not taking a stance and not switching his opinion based on one game in which one team barely even tried.
Eagles not in top 10 damn ur a biased douchebag dominating the giants a team you have ranked higher gets them nowhere this is a total farce!!!!!
A total farce? Meh, I'd say this is a 90-percent farce. It's missing that last 10 percent to make it a total farce.
A Preview of Walt's next Power Rankings: 32) Dallas Cowboys (6-1) - Previously #9 - Their defense just gave up 21 points to the Giants a week after the Eagles shut them out. I told you all that their defense was a joke based on my extremely selective reading of statistics and would be the reason they start losing games. I mean yeah, they didn't lose this one, but the Cowboys still suck.
Putting the Cowboys at 32 is a bit egregious. I was thinking like 30 or something.
Another week, another opportunity for Walt to underrate the Eagles. Walt I insist you fade them hard in two weeks against the Cardinals. You losing money because your bias is, and I cannot express this more earnestly, the best part of my week, besides the Eagles winning of course. Maybe make it your pick of the month for a long time follower?
Seeing me lose money is the best part of your week? That's depressing. What do you do when I go on a winning streak, slit your wrists?
Baltimore Ravens (5-2) - Previously: #7 - Another impressive Baltimore win. I actually have the Cowboys and Ravens ranked evenly, but I decided to put Dallas ahead to prevent aneurysms.
Oh, and I forgot to mention this about the Cowboys: It has to be embarrassing for Jerry Jones that he spent all of this money on his stadium, yet it was designed so poorly that the fans had to cover their eyes to shield the sunlight. I took a picture during the game so you can see what I'm talking about:
I like that the one hot chick in the crowd is too cool to shield her eyes. Still though, it's no wonder opposing fans flood the stadium. People sitting there can't even see what's happening on the field!
San Francisco 49ers (4-3) - Previously: #4 - You can't downgrade the 49ers much after that loss - they were outgained by just six yards in the first half - but their issues persist. They commit so many mistakes. It's something different each week, but the one prevalent problem has been Vernon Davis' drops. If we didn't know he was hurt, I'd say he was completely done.
Seattle Seahawks (3-3) - Previously: #1 - The Seahawks are tough to rank. On one hand, they've played like complete crap the past two weeks, and whatever fallout they've had from the Percy Harvin situation could derail their season. On the other hand, they are still one of the most-talented teams in the NFL, and it would be foolish to bet against their chances of rebounding. I didn't consider dropping Seattle out of my top 10, but a loss to Carolina could change that.
New England Patriots (5-2) - Previously: #8 - New England nearly lost, but Rex Ryan always plays Bill Belichick's teams closely. I will not downgrade the Patriots for that.
Anyway, it amazes me how stupid some people can be. I'm reminded of this when reading some of the comments below, but those aren't nearly as bad as the people Jim Nantz discussed during the Patriots-Jets telecast. Nantz was discussing former NFL fullback Jim Nance, and he laughed, "I've been asked if we're related!"
Really? That's depressing. Never mind that "Nantz" and "Nance" are spelled differently; one of them is white, while the other is black. I'm sure some PC idiots - the same who think that the Redskins name is actually a legitimate controversy - will clamor about skin color not mattering, and that white and black people can be related, but they are idiots not worth listening to.
Philadelphia Eagles (5-1) - Previously: #12 - I'm sure someone will say, "HUURRR DURRR YOU MOVED TEH CARANOLS DOWN EVEN THO THEY WONNED HURRR DURR" but I made a mistake in ranking them too high last week. They just had a nice win, but their defense has not been playing nearly as well as everyone thinks it has, as Arizona has ranked just 14th in defensive efficiency this year. The Eagles have actually been better in that regard.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 8 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (0-6) - Previously: #32 - Every summer, I look forward to making fun of Ron Wolfey, an Arizona Cardinals preseason broadcaster. He's said some weird things over the years, like:
"I bet if you were able to measure John Brown's femur, and Marvin Harrison's femur, you'd have the same femur."
"He's the meat-grinder, and he's the beef!"
"I want to turn his nose into a nose ring!"
"What if I took a tomato, put it in a blender and whipped it!?"
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6) - Previously: #31 - What I wrote last week:
The Jaguars have been competitive in every game with Blake Bortles at quarterback. They've lost all of them, but that's fine. Worst-case scenario, they'll be picking in the top three and will have their choice of Leonard Williams or Randy Gregory. Best-case scenario, they'll secure the No. 1 pick and trade it for a king's ransom to a team desperate to land Marcus Mariota.
So much for that No. 1 pick. This was the worst type of win for the Jaguars, as they worsened their draft positioning all while Blake Bortles played poorly. If Bortles had performed at a high level, Jacksonville fans could at least feel good about losing out on a boatload of picks.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-5) - Previously: #30 - I think firing Lovie Smith after one year isn't a very good idea. Sure, he uses a defense that hasn't worked in about a decade, and he brought over Josh McCown to be his quarterback, but he deserves to torture Tampa fans for more than one season with his archaic style of coaching.
29. Tennessee Titans (2-4) - Previously: #29 - Time for some more confusing Rotoworld posts! Check these out, which were made less than 24 hours apart:
Huh? So, on Monday, Jake Locker's return would be great news for Justin Hunter, but the day before, there's no difference between Locker and Charlie Whitehurst? How does that make sense? Make up your freaking minds, or at least put a byline underneath each post so someone can take accountability! Like, I write stupid crap all the time, but everyone knows it's me. I might be a moron, but I'm at least accountable.
28. Washington Redskins (2-5) - Previously: #27 - You know how the Redskins suck this year? Well, this fan apparently didn't get the memo because she was hoping and praying that her favorite team would kick the winning field goal:
Really? She was that stressed out between improving to 2-5 rather than falling to 1-6? She has freaking tears in her eyes! And I love how the woman behind her is completely oblivious as to what's going on.
27. New York Jets (1-6) - Previously: #28 - The Percy Harvin trade came out of nowhere - and you can see my grades by clicking the link - but the more news that came out about Harvin's violence, the more it made sense. Still, I had to sit down with Harvin to find out what really went down behind the scenes. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Percy, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Harvin: Absolutely. Anything for you, Walt.
Me: Thanks! So, let's get right to it, there have been accusations of you punching teammates and showing unnecessary violence. What do you have to say to those allegations?
Harvin: They are complete BS. I never harmed a fly. Those guys are just spinning stories because they didn't want to hang out with me anymore.
Me: So you're saying you never gave Golden Tate a black eye?
Harvin: Ugh, that a**hole. He deserved what he got from me.
Me: Why's that?
Harvin: We were playing Scrabble, and he took the triple-word score tile. I told him that I had dibs on it, but he took it anyway! What a f***ing douche! So I punched him in the eyeball!
Me: Really? Over a game of Scrabble? And I don't think you can call dibs on tiles.
Harvin: What!? Are you disrespecting my Scrabble skills!? I'll punch you in the eyeball if you don't f***ing shut up about it!
Me: OK, OK, sorry, let's move on. So, what about Doug Baldwin and the cut on his chin?
Harvin: We were playing Monopoly, and I landed on Boardwalk, and he had a hotel there, and he made me pay money, and I didn't have the money, so I punched him in the f***ing chin!
Me: But if you're unwilling to play games fairly, what's the point? And they're just games, so why act so violently anyway?
Harvin: JUST GAMES!? JUST GAMES!?!?! THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE EYEBALL AND THE CHIN!!!!!!!
Me: No, Percy, no! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
26. Minnesota Vikings (2-5) - Previously: #25 - The Vikings fought valiantly and made me money, so I won't criticize them this week. Instead, I'll complain about Bill Simmons not having a Week 7 Cousin Sal podcast despite his suspension ending. So many people look forward to that podcast, yet he dicked everyone over by not posting one.
I'm just upset because I haven't gotten to gauge him for public opinion the past few weeks. As forum member Bolt Vanderhuge said recently, "I'll never get over Bill Simmons spending 4 straight weeks saying 'Brady loves domes!' before playing in Minnesota's outdoor stadium."
25. St. Louis Rams (1-4) - Previously: #26 - There's only one thing I can do following a crazy performance like that...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been seven weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask. Something is telling me to go to St. Louis. Oh, there's Jeff Fisher! Maybe he knows where it is.
Derek Anderson: Crazier? What do you plan on doing?
Jeff Fisher: WWEEREE GOONNN HAAAVVEE 50 PEPEEOPLLE OONNN FEIIELLD ANNDD THENENE WWEEREE GOOOINGNG TO SNNEAAKK A SSECOONNN BALLL ONNN THHEEE FILELLD!!!
Derek Anderson: I think doing that is against the rules. Anyway, have you seen my magical flask? You look like you've had a sip of it.
Jeff Fisher: DUNNN YEWWW TELLL MEE WHAAAT I CAAAN''TT DOOOO! I'MM PAARRTT OFFF THEE RURLLLESS COMMITTREEE SOOO NOO OOONNEE CANNNN TEELLL MEE WHATTT I ICAANNNNTTT FUUUUSSKKINN DOOOOO! HIC!
Derek Anderson: But did you see my fl...
Jeff Fisher: GGEEETT THHHEEE FFUUSUSKKK OUUUTTT OFOFF MYYYY SSIIITEEE ANNNDD STOOOPP TELLLINN MEEE WHATTTY I CANANNNTTT ODOOOO HIC!
24. Atlanta Falcons (2-5) - Previously: #19 - The Falcons need to look into hiring a new training staff. All of these injuries are ridiculous. They have to be doing something wrong. Every year, they're always screwed over with injuries. Either the training staff sucks, or Arthur Blank urinated on an American Indian burial ground recently.
(The ghost American Indians care even less about the Redskins team name than the alive ones.)
23. Houston Texans (3-4) - Previously: #23 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Steelers-Texans game.
Anyway, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: Reid is on a bye, so he spent his week off having someone feed him the whole time:
This week: The Chiefs-Chargers game nearly went to overtime, and Reid definitely had this thought on his mind:
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Detroit Lions (5-2). Previously: #13
12. Arizona Cardinals (5-1). Previously: #10
13. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3). Previously: #14
14. New Orleans Saints (2-4). Previously: #16
15. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2-1). Previously: #11
16. Miami Dolphins (3-3). Previously: #21
17. New York Giants (3-4). Previously: #17
18. Carolina Panthers (3-3-1). Previously: #15
19. Chicago Bears (3-3). Previously: #18
20. Cleveland Browns (3-3). Previously: #20
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3). Previously: #22
22. Buffalo Bills (4-3). Previously: #24
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: