Seattle Seahawks (3-1) - Previously: #1 - It's crazy that there aren't any undefeated teams anymore. The 1972 Dolphins are relieved, and so am I. If I saw one more e-mail or a comment post that looked like, "OMG MY TEAM IS LIEK UNDEFATED AND YOU DONT HAVE THEM #1 IN YOUR'RE POWER RANKINGS YOUR LIKE STUPID LOLOLOLOL!!!" I was going to have seizure. Seriously, I've received countless posts/e-mails like that over the years, and I'm always amazed by how stupid certain people can be. I've said it a thousand times, and I'll say it again: If you want power rankings based on records, just go to NFL.com and click the Standings tab.
Anyway, now that all the undefeateds are gone, all of the idiots can now go back to acknowledging Seattle as the No. 1 team in the NFL. The Seahawks shouldn't have dropped from the top spot in anyone's power rankings at any point this year.
Denver Broncos (3-1) - Previously: #2 - I wrote this last week:
The Broncos moved from No. 1 to No. 6 in Fancy Hair Guy's power rankings on NFL.com. I know many of you think my power rankings suck, but they're at least better than what that guy comes up with on a weekly basis. It makes no sense. He had Denver as his top team, and saw it lose an overtime game in the toughest environment in the NFL, so he dropped it five spots, just so he could move up some flawed 3-0 teams? How the hell does that make any sense? It's like this guy's fancy hair is an evil entity that makes him do stupid things.
I can only imagine that Fancy-Haired Guy's world is crumbling right in front of him. How could the two undefeated teams lose to teams with losses!?!?!? How could the No. 1 Bengals get blown out by the Patriots, who were blown out by the Chiefs!?!?!?!? Fancy-Haired Guy's fancy hair might be giving him an aneurysm right now.
San Diego Chargers (4-1) - Previously: #3 - I typically respect what sharp bettors do because they know the NFL better than grammatically challenged former players on TV, but I have no idea what they were seeing when they bet the Jets down on Sunday. The line movement scared me away from wagering on that game, but I thought it was obvious all along that the Chargers were vastly superior. As my LVH Supercontest partner Matvei wrote, "The Chargers are so good - they never look flat, no matter how bad the opposition is." Mike McCoy, who is now 16-6 against the spread, is a beast of a head coach.
Green Bay Packers (3-2) - Previously: #5 - The Packers had major defensive and blocking problems earlier in the year, but they've appeared to have shored up their issues. Jay Cutler could barely do anything in the second half two weeks ago, while the Vikings were completely shut down on Thursday. Green Bay could have the NFC North locked up by Thanksgiving. Five of its next six opponents are: Dolphins (road), Panthers (home), Bears (home), Eagles (home), Vikings (road). The lone exception is New Orleans, and who knows if Drew Brees will be able to turn things around?
By the way, I enjoyed the following meme that FootballFanSpot.com's Steven Lourie posted on my Facebook wall:
Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) - Previously: #4 - I'm sure Bengal fans expected me to drop their team significantly following that embarrassing performance on Sunday night, but I won't. They may not believe this, but I have no agenda against their team. I just call it like I see it, and Cincinnati is a solid team that can't be elite as long as Andy Dalton is the quarterback.
As you may imagine, I received lots of hate mail from Bengal fans and other teams' supporters in the comment board below. One glue-sniffer even said a couple of weeks ago that it would be best if I got cancer and died so we wouldn't have to read my blog anymore. Here's some of the hate mail:
Green Bay at 5? Detroit at 9? Jesus F. C_____! None of the NFC Central deserve to be rated higher than 15! The team that wins this division will likely break even for the year and get killed in the first playoff game. Grow a pair Walt and do some real analysis instead of being so anal retentive!
Anything anal sounds too fun to pass up though.
The Cowboys crush the Saints, have a far better record than them, and are still 8 spot behind them. In what world does that make any sense whatsoever? You said last week you wanted the Cowboys to beat a real QB before you would rank them higher, well guess what, Brees is a real QB, time to put up or shut up. Clearly he's got something against the Cowboys. He's lost all credibility with me as his rankings are trash.
I definitely have something against the Cowboys. Their talent. It deeply offends me. I want to vomit every time I think about their talent. BTW, the sharps have the Saints higher than the Cowboys in their consensus rankings. My advice to you is to stop listening to derp dee derp analysis on ESPN and open up your mind.
i honestly think the Walter is just making these ranking trying to get page views at this point. if he makes them controversial then i think he thinks people will come back and look to see them again the next week. what other reasoning could there be because these rankings are horrid and make no sense to a casual or hardcore fan. its obvious by the comments that no one agrees. nice try walter
You got me! How did you see through my genius plan!?!?!?
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. The Cheaters lose to Miami in Miami... The Chiefs crush Miami, in Miami... The Chiefs butt F the Cheaters last night... The Chiefs were 2 yards away in the final seconds IN DENVER from going into OT... And, just to repeat, the Chiefs BUTT F'D the Cheaters last night... Yet, you have the Cheaters FOUR PLACES HIGHER than the Chiefs who CRUSHED MIAMI IN MIAMI, who the Cheaters LOST TO IN MIAMI, and who just BUTT F'D at Arrowhead last night... BRILLIANT, WALT...Just...BRILLIANT
Thanks! I always enjoy it when people call me brilliant. Makes me feel better about myself.
The Saints ranking isn't even about the Saints anymore, it's about site owners ego and silly human pride
So, if the sharps have the Saints higher than I do (6th) is that about their ego too? And I don't have an ego. I am the greatest and I don't need an ego!
Chiefs almost beat the Broncos, the number 2 team, Patriots barely beat the Raiders, number 32 team. Both 2-2. Straight up game Chiefs absolutely obliterate the Pats. Ya, Chiefs 15, Patriots 11. Makes perfect sense yes? Proper analysis not given because even Stephen King isn't that creative.
I'm an idiot. Sorry. I just realized something. The Titans beat the Chiefs. I have the Chiefs 15, but the Titans are 30th. So I have the Titans too low and the Chiefs too high. I apologize!
Eat a bag of dicks you pompous pile of feces. The "Big Haired Guy" at NFL.com, as bad as he is, has more credibility in his little finger than your entire family tree.
Fancy-Haired Guy. Not Big-Haired Guy. His name is Fancy-Haired Guy.
San Francisco 49ers (3-2) - Previously: #7 - I wrote this on my NFL Picks page when noting that I couldn't decide whom to pick in the 49ers-Chiefs game: "I like Harbaugh vs. Alex Smith but don't like Harbaugh vs. his own team."
Funny enough, the game pushed. The 49ers will be better once they get their players back from injury, but I just don't understand the Jim Harbaugh stuff. Who cares if he's a douche? He's one of the top coaches in the NFL, and all of his players should be extremely happy that they get to play for him. If Harbaugh leaves, I will be betting the 49ers' under win total, no matter what it is.
Indianapolis Colts (3-2) - Previously: #13 - I was very impressed by how the Colts looked in Sunday's victory over Baltimore. Andrew Luck was his usual awesome self, but the defense is what stood out. They put immense pressure on Joe Flacco, who hadn't taken a sack since Week 1. If Indianapolis can maintain this type of defensive production, it'll be very difficult to beat.
I can only imagine how depressed Jim Irsay was during the victory. Sure, his team won, but he couldn't tweet throughout the game. Here's what it would've looked like if he had access to his favorite social-media platform:
@AndrewLuck12 I'D WISH YOU GOOD LUCK BUT YOURE NAME IS ALREADY LUCK LOL
@AndrewLuck12 seriously though good luck we need this win because i bet 50k on this game
@nflcommish @JimIrsay You can't bet on NFL games. >> I know I was just kidding!
@AndrewLuck12 DONT TAKE A SACK THERE YOUR COSTING ME MONEY111
@AndrewLuck12 Sorry my explanation points turned into 1s lol
@AndrewLuck12 i know your busy with the game but should i order fries or tater tots w/ my chicken parm
@AndrewLuck12 why wont you answe r me. i know your busy but still common
@nflcommish @JimIrsay NFL players can't tweet during games. >> I know I was just kidding!
@AndrewLuck12 sorry i was being mean earlier can you please make sure you win by more then 3
@AndrewLuck12 WHYD YOU GIVE THE BALL TO AHMAN BRADSHAW HE SUCKS!!!!
@AhmadBradshaw @JimIrsay You think i suck :( >> No i meant the other ahman bradshaw!!
@AndrewLuck12 YES WE DID IT YOUR THE BEST ANDREW NOW I WILL BET WHAT I WON ON YOU AGAIN THURS111
Baltimore Ravens (3-2) - Previously: #10 - I know I'm going to get a thousand of these comments: "LOL YOU MOVED UP THE RAVNES EVEN THO THEY LOSTED LOL YOUR AN IDIOT!!!" Think of it as everyone else dropping. Besides, maybe the Colts were just that good in Sunday's victory. I've still been impressed by what Baltimore has done since losing the opener against the Bengals.
Oh, and I found this amusing picture on Twitter regarding the Ray Rice tape:
Arizona Cardinals (3-1) - Previously: #6 - Calais Campbell will be out a month, which is why I've dropped the Cardinals a few spots. They won't be nearly the same without him, as he's arguably the top 3-4 defensive end in the NFL not named J.J. Watt. I wouldn't say that was the "dirtiest play" I've ever seen, as Bruce Arians called it, but it was pretty bad. There's no reason Julius Thomas should've gone for Campbell's knees like that. Maybe he followed my advice and picked the Broncos -7 for three units, but that's still not an excuse.
New England Patriots (3-2) - Previously: #11 - Look who's back in the Top 10! I imagine some Chiefs' fans will have an issue with this based on the Week 4 Monday night result, but I ignored them when they whined that I didn't have their team No. 1 when it was 9-0 last year, and I'll ignore them again.
The Patriots had an awesome victory, as Tom Brady was in classic F-U mode. Thomas P. wrote the following on my Facebook wall: "Looks like he's in F.U. mode. Maybe Giselle made Tom sleep on the couch last night. Probably did him a favor."
NFL Power Rankings: Week 6 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (0-4) - Previously: #32 - Rotoworld blurbs sometimes make no sense, and this one would qualify as a terrible one:
Profootballtalk reports Mike Holmgren has "quietly emerged" as a candidate for the Raiders' head-coaching job.
That would qualify as an extremely underwhelming hire. Holmgren was last in the league as the Browns' team president in 2012. He was a disaster in that role. Holmgren, 66, hasn't coached since 2008 with the Seahawks
An "underwhelming" hire? More underwhelming than Dennis Allen, Tom Cable, Lane Kiffin and Art Shell? And what does Holmgren's front-office role have to do with his ability as a coach? Holmgren is an awesome coach, yet he's never been good at making personnel decisions, so noting what he did in Cleveland makes zero sense. The Raiders would be extremely fortunate to land Holmgren.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5) - Previously: #31 - I'm an idiot. I thought the Jaguars would cover against the Steelers. Despite losing countless amounts of money on them over the past few years, I still wagered a half unit.
I guess I should be happy it wasn't more. I did consider a greater bet until Matvei texted the following to me during the week:
Please don't put any money on the Jags: by law I might have to kidnap you and drag you to gambling rehab.
Thank you, Matvei, for saving me.
30. Tennessee Titans (1-4) - Previously: #30 - The Browns completed the greatest comeback by a road team in NFL history, but it was against the backfield combo of Charlie Whitehurst and Shonn Greene, so should it really count?
What the hell is Ken Whisenhunt doing, by the way? Why won't he use Zach Mettenberger and Bishop Sankey? Unless this is a cunning strategy to secure a top-three draft pick so he can land either Leonard Williams or Randy Gregory, I don't understand it at all.
29. New York Jets (1-4) - Previously: #26 - There's only one thing I can do following a miserable quarterbacking performance like that...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: I've been five weeks sober now. That's a huge problem. I need to find my magic flask, and I was told that I might have some luck in San Diego. Wow, this guy reeks of alcohol.
Geno Smith: WWHAHAAATT YEWWWW LOOOKIINN ATTT!?!?
Derek Anderson: Good sir, I was wondering if you knew where my magic flask was.
Rex Ryan: WHHAATT YOOUU DOOOINN HEEERE DDEERRKK CAANN YEWWW PPLLEAASE PPPLALAYY QUUAARRBACCK FOR MMYY TEAAAM? THHEESSE GUYYSS SUUCKK SO MUCUCHH I HAAVVEE TO DROOWWNN MY SOSOORROWS INNA ALLCCHHEEOLLL HIC!
Rex Ryan: HEEYEY YYOIUUREE LLATTEE FOORR THE TEEAM MEETTITNG AHHH FFFFUUUKK WHOOO CAREESS YOURRR NOOT GONNNA PAYY ATTENNSSHUN ANNYWAY.
Derek Anderson: Coach, can you tell me where my magic flask is?
Rex Ryan: II IDUNNNOOO MMAAYBBEE I'LLL TEELL YEWWW IFF YEWWW PLLAAAY QUUARRRBACCKK FOORR USSS HIC!
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-4) - Previously: #29 - People who watched the Bucs-Saints game were subjected to some brutal announcing from Dick Stockton. Someone on the comment boards described it very well:
Plllleeeease talk sh*t about Dick Stockton's commentating in your write up about the Bucs vs. Saints game. This guy is unfreakinbareable.
Sounds like he's off his meds or something. So many things I can mention, lets start with the fact he's calling Sean Payton, Peyton Manning (smh).
The real kicker was on the Bucs fumble late in the 3rd quarter. Obviously the Bucs recovered it, but this dumb fk keeps blurting out "Saints have the Ball, Saints have the ball!"
Ah, good old Dick Stockton. I'm not sure if the meds were affecting him as much as the pigeon living in his bushy hair.
27. Washington Redskins (1-4) - Previously: #27 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Seahawks-Redskins game.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-2) - Previously: #28 - I have a feeling that Buffalo fans will be the next group of people to flood my comment board now that the Cincinnati backers have been silenced.
Speaking of angry people, Jim Schwartz may have finally been able to mellow out after beating his former team. I wanted to get Schwartz's reaction, so I sat down with him for an interview. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Jim, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Schwartz: It's my pleasure, Walt. I've always sent tons of traffic your way, even when you were clamoring for my firing for several years. I love your work.
Me: Aww, thanks, Jim! Anyway, I was wondering how you feel about beating your former team.
Schwartz: It feels great, Walt. It's better than any sex or high I've experienced.
Me: That's great. So, how did you stymie Matthew Stafford, exactly? He struggled mightily, though I suppose Calvin Johnson's injury hurt him.
Schwartz: Yeah, that was an easy one. I snuck into Calvin Johnson's house the night before and bashed his foot with a hammer. I then knocked him unconscious so he wouldn't remember anything.
Me: Wow, that's pretty extreme.
Schwartz: Meh, it's OK. I also needed their kicker Alex Henery to screw up, so I kidnapped his wife and kids and told him that I'd decapitate them if he made any field goals.
Me: Uhh... that's kind of not cool.
Schwartz: Not cool? Those a**holes ran me out of town, Walt. The fans need to get their just desserts as well. That's why I've planted a dozen bombs around Detroit, and they're all set to go off sometime this week.
Me: Bombs!? Hold on, I'm getting a call.
Schwartz: Put down the phone, Walt. I saw you dial 9-1-1.
Me: No, I didn't, I swear!
Schwartz: You know too much. Prepare to meet my hammer of doom!
Me: No, Jim, put down the hammer, Jim! Put it down, Jim, put it down!!!
25. St. Louis Rams (1-3) - Previously: #24 - Before the Rams mounted that awesome backdoor cover against the Eagles, I strongly considered adding them to my poisonous team list. They should've beaten the Cowboys, but made some mistakes. They committed tons of errors at Philadelphia. This is what poisonous teams do. I still may add them to the list.
Speaking of poisonous, Chris Berman offered this gem during Sunday NFL Countdown: "Austin Davis has looked like Austin Powers - yeah, baby!"
Ugh, really? I love Berman because I grew up with him, so it saddens me to say that he has dropped off considerably since he stopped doing NFL Primetime.
24. Houston Texans (3-2) - Previously: #25 - If I were a Houston fan, I'd worry that the Texans put too much stock into that Dallas game. They should've been more focused on beating the Colts in four days. I don't know how they possibly could've game planned effectively for both contests, so it wouldn't surprise me if Thursday night is yet another blowout.
23. Carolina Panthers (3-2) - Previously: #23 - The Panthers barely beat another crap team at home, and only did so because of careless turnovers, so they're not moving out of the Bottom 10.
Anyway, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week.
Last week: Here's what Reid would look like if he were in the Angry Birds game.
This week: The Chiefs were whistled for 12 men on the field on a crucial play. Big Andy didn't take it very seriously, apparently.
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. New York Giants (3-2). Previously: #21
12. Detroit Lions (3-2). Previously: #9
13. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1). Previously: #12
14. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3). Previously: #15
15. Dallas Cowboys (4-1). Previously: #16
16. New Orleans Saints (2-3). Previously: #8
17. Atlanta Falcons (2-3). Previously: #14
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2). Previously: #18
19. Minnesota Vikings (2-3). Previously: #17
20. Miami Dolphins (2-2). Previously: #24
21. Cleveland Browns (2-2). Previously: #19
22. Chicago Bears (2-3). Previously: #22
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: