NFL Power Rankings: Final Regular Season - Top 10
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Seattle Seahawks (13-3) - Previously: #1 - I wrote about a month ago that the team that claimed homefield advantage between the Seahawks and Saints would be overconfident come playoff time and could consequently lose unexpectedly. Well, I think Seattle learned its lesson about being too arrogant in the loss to Arizona. That defeat could be the best thing to happen to them.
Anyway, speaking of that loss to Arizona, it's time for some hate mail from someone completely clueless:
Umm... That game meant NOTHING to Seattle? You do realize that the Seahawks still haven't clinched Home Field Advantage, right? If they lose vs. the Rams, they could very well drop to the #5 seed and the 49ers would get home field. Idiot.
"If they lose vs. the Rams?" You really thought that was a possibility? No one did. That's why the Arizona game was meaningless.
Carolina Panthers (12-4) - Previously: #2 - The Saints also barely escaped with a victory in Atlanta, so I'm not going to penalize the Panthers for the near-loss. They're still going to be a tough out in the playoffs if Steve Smith makes it back healthy.
Congrats are in order, by the way, to Tony Gonzalez, who has retired until August. What a great career. We'll miss him for the next eight months until he decides to return again.
New England Patriots (12-4) - Previously: #3 - I mentioned my Super Bowl projection earlier. I had Denver battling Seattle in New York. I have the urge to change that to Seahawks-Patriots. Denver lost Von Miller, and besides, this is the type of New England team that typically has the most playoff success. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick thrive when no one believes in them, yet they falter when they're heavy favorites.
Oh, and when Brady accepts the Lombardi Trophy and says, "What really motivated me was this a**hole on the Internet who made fun of my haircuts," I'll feel warm and fuzzy inside for making a difference.
New Orleans Saints (11-5) - Previously: #4 - I need to vent a little bit. That Saints' loss to Carolina had major ramifications. And no, I'm not talking about the fact that they lost a first-round bye; Cam Newton's touchdown covered the spread, which ultimately cost me a cash prize in the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest. I finished one game out of the money. I had the Saints that week, and many ahead of me picked the Panthers. FML.
I wasn't kidding when I said that Ted Ginn has cost me a fortune. If I bet against him, he has the best performances of all time. If I bet on his team, he drops touchdowns that can cover the spread. If anyone has time and wants to figure out how much money Ginn has cost me over the years, I'll be grateful and give you credit. I'll also allow you to write anything in either the NFL Picks or power rankings page.
San Francisco 49ers (12-4) - Previously: #6 - There's nothing new to say about the 49ers, aside from Colin Kaepernick showing lots of improvement this past Sunday. He was highly impressive in two final drives against a stout Arizona defense.
Let's use this space for a proposed segment from someone who called himself "Saints fan." He posted this below:
How do you ruin Walt's good mood? THE ANNOYING ADVENTURES OF E.GENO BARKWILBRAY!
EGBWB: hey Walt!
Walt:what EG? im actually in a good mood.
EGBWB:it's a miracle!anyway wanna know what's funnier than 32?
EGBWB:like Derek Anderson's magical flask?
Walt:THAT'S IT YERRRRR GOING ON JERKS OF THE WEEK!
EGBWB:meh...well I gotta go train to be an NFL QB.bye!
I don't know about you guys, but I thought the "33 is funnier than 32" joke was quite hilarious.
Denver Broncos (13-3) - Previously: #5 - Once again, I dropped the Broncos because of Von Miller's injury. I heard one ESPN analyst marginalize the loss because Miller, according to him, wasn't having a great year. And that's yet another example why you shouldn't listen to most people on ESPN.
At any rate, Miller's injury isn't the only thing Denver has to overcome. How about karma?
A whopping 160 poeple liked Jacob's comment! No wonder Joe Flacco completed the Mile High Rainbow a year ago - God was clearly pissed at the Broncos for abandoning Tebow. That, or he had the Baltimore moneyline for a couple of units.
Green Bay Packers (8-7-1) - Previously: #17 - The Packers have to be in the top 10. They're the last of the legitimate Super Bowl contenders because they can beat anyone with Aaron Rodgers back at the helm. The teams below Green Bay all have deficiencies that will be too difficult to overcome.
Cincinnati Bengals (11-5) - Previously: #9 - Cincinnati's deficiency, of course, is Andy Dalton, who did everything in his power to keep the Ravens in the game on Sunday. Dalton plays well at home, so he should be able to beat San Diego - check my NFL Picks on Wednesday - but I don't have any faith in him going on the road and upsetting either the Patriots or the Broncos.
Kansas City Chiefs (11-5) - Previously: #8 - Thanks, Chase Daniel, for looking competent enough to hand me my only multi-unit loss in Week 17. May you forever be a backup.
I've been using this spot for my power rankings hate mail, so I might as well keep it that way...
Let's see.....The Seahawks lose a game and the have no offense and stay #1.....The 49ers played and emotional game came out slow but got a win and dropped 3 spots?...........you bi-polar?
No, I'm not bi-polar at all, why would you say such a I'M GOING TO F***ING KILL YOU FOR CRITICIZING MY POWER I'm hungry for Cocoa Puffs right now, so I think I'm going to go downstairs and SLIT YOUR MOTHER-F***ING THROAT MUHAHAHAHAA!!!
Your stubbornness is always apparent in your writings, but bringing up statements David Caldwell made last offseason to try to prove a point for next offseason? I don't see your logic in the argument. The Blaine Gabbert era has been over since week 2, it's time to move on and find another reason to hate on Jacksonville.
Aww, how cute! One of the 15 Jaguar fans in the world actually has an opinion about his football team!
The 49ers with Mike Nolan and Alex Smith are not a top 10 team man. Wake up!
Did this guy just come out of a coma?
Still thinks the Vikings aren't a bottom 10 team? Idiot.
This guy has posted the same message the past three weeks. The Vikings finished the season on a 4-3-1 run, so they clearly weren't a bottom-10 team. This person must have voodoo dolls of Adrian Peterson, and I'm willing to bet he jerks off to posters of either Jay Cutler or Aaron Rodgers on a daily basis.
Philadelphia Eagles (10-6) - Previously: #11 - Would Tony Romo have beaten the Eagles on Sunday night? I guess we'll never know. Too bad he hurt his back. Wait, did he really hurt his back...?
NFL Power Rankings: Final Regular Season - Bottom 10
32. Houston Texans (2-14) - Previously: #32 - The Texans are on the clock. Stay tuned for weekly 2014 NFL Mock Draft updates.
One other link of note: Houston fired Gary Kubiak earlier in the year, but here's a compilation of the rest of the coach firing grades.
31. Washington Redskins (3-13) - Previously: #31 - There's only one true candidate for this week's edition of...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
A month ago, Mike Shanahan and Kirk Cousins were hanging out, looking to score some action.
Kirk Cousins: I can't wait to talk to some girls tonight! I hope I'll meet someone who will want to be my girlfriend!
Mike Shanahan: Me too. I spent eight hours in the tanning salon today to look good for the ladies. Oh yeah.
Shanahan and Cousins try to talk to women, but they are too awkward.
Kirk Cousins: Why did that girl run away from me? All I said was that I wanted her to be my girlfriend and marry me one day.
Mike Shanahan: I don't know. And what did that other girl mean by, "Your bright red face has burned my retinas?" My skin's not that bright, is it?
30. Oakland Raiders (4-12) - Previously: #30 - This picture does a great job of epitomizing both the sad states of the Raiders and America's educational system:
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12) - Previously: #29 - And here's a picture that shows how pathetic the Jaguars are:
Fortunately for the cat, Jacksonville was that bad.
Couldn't this guy just jump off a cliff without slicing off his cat's dick? Why would he do that before committing suicide? What an a**hole.
28. Cleveland Browns (4-12) - Previously: #28 - This week's Gong rant is actually from JohnnyAllStar. This is quite epic:
So last year I was halfway joking/halfway afraid that Haslem was going to move the Browns to LA, but I think this year has eliminated that fear. It's now a knowing that Haslem is going to move the team to LA.
Why? Well, let me address the issue. The Browns went from an old owner who loved the team, but was unable to actually get friction, to his douchebag soccer-loving son who couldn't give two ****s about the Browns. That assclown then sold the team within ten days of being able to while still keeping daddy's money to a guy whos wife makes big money in the TV business.
The new owner then realizes he wants to move the team to LA, vastly increasing both his personal income, and his wife's TV income, but he has to demotivate a fanbase that is rabidly, stupidly, insanely still in love with a trash team. So who does he hire to drive this dysfunctional bus to LA? The same man who drove the bus to Baltimore the last time he was in control of the Browns: Mike Lombardi. But he has a problem, the city still wants the team there, and he doesn't have any legitimate reason to jump from Cleveland to LA since games are still selling out, and fans are still dumb enough to keep showing up. So he looks back to see what Modell did. Modell (who I have less animus for than the average Browns fan) requested expensive renovations, repairs, and upgrades to the old Mistake on the Lake stadium, and was denied by the city of Cleveland, since the city couldn't really afford it. Because the stadium was falling apart, Modell got the traction needed to move the team, despite not really wanting to.
Haslem, inspired by this, then declares his desire to renovate and add huge, unnecessary, expansive additions to the First Energy stadium in the form of gigantic TV screens, and other assorted unnecessary things to "improve the fan experience" to the bill of $120 million dollars. While some places this isn't a lot of money, the North East Ohio region has been the worst economically ravaged area in the country for the last ten years, and really doesn't have the money to support the team, let alone these expensive upgrades. Stupidly enough, the city agreed, because they didn't want the team to have a reason to move again, which put a monkey wrench in Haslem's plan.
So Haslem then fires the new head coach, a guy who genuinely loves the Browns, and did surprisingly well despite having a brand new defensive scheme, new offensive scheme, nothing at running back or Quarterback. Somehow managed to turn Josh Gordon into one of the best receivers in the league, unlock Jordan Cameron's potential, and make Greg Little not complete ****, while keeping the players regard him positively. Then after firing him for potentially being competent, they look to hire Jim ****ING Schwartz, who has kept a talented Lions team out of the playoffs. What in the acutal **** are they thinking, if not wanting to move the team.
TL;DNR-> In the next 5 years, Haslem will move the team to LA, and that's what this is all about.
27. Buffalo Bills (6-10) - Previously: #26 - E-mailer Joseph Y. sent over this e-mail containing a very funny story about his trip to Ralph Wilson Stadium:
Walter, I am a huge fan of the site and have been for quite a few years. I've emailed you a couple times before (I felt a strong glow of pride when you once referenced me in a mock draft when I sent you an email regarding the Dolphins interest in drafting Chad Henne back in 08). Your fantasy and picks advice has helped lead me to success in both areas.
Now I don't just say this to blow sunshine up your a** (although based on all the hate mail you get, I'm sure it is a nice change of pace). I want to try and give something back to you as thanks for being a go to for many years for fantasy advice. So I want to share the story of my experience at Ralph Wilson Stadium last week with you. I believe you can come up with many humorous stories and referencing about Bills fans with this story.
I am a Dolphins fan that lives in Western New York, so I like to try and see the team play each year in Buffalo, but I may be done with that after this year. I will say that Bills fan are EXTREMELY loyal and deserve credit for dealing with such a s***ty team. However when you deal with a s***ty team as long as they have been s***ty, you need alcohol apparently to watch them. I went to the game in my Ryan Tannehill jersey, and it was actually a family trip this year I went with three of my brothers and my parents. I am the only Dolphins fan in my family btw, all this happened well with a group of Bills fans.
So at the stadium, Bills fans were bad. Worse then they've been. I suppose not making the playoffs this millennium will do that. But behind us was a guy who spent THE ENTIRE GAME shouting profanities about the Dolphins. I endured three hours or "Tannehill is a p***y! F*** the Dolphins! F*** Tannehill, the Dolphins are p***ies!" while sitting next to my mother. Classy Buffalo. I even saw people who just straight up wore "F*** the Dolphins T-shirts." Maybe they were all Jim Schwartz in disguise.
This guy behind me tried to get creative in the 2nd quarter though (Bills fans are not good at being creative), and started shouting that Tannehill has a small c**k. I could not resist at this point, so I turned around and commented that is was interesting that he knew such a fact, to which he responded with "Yeah I know cause he f***ed me in the a**, it wasn't very good though." ... yeah that pretty much sums up the inebriation level of Bills fans trying to watch their team play football. (I swear on the life of my mother to this authenticity, and she could to as she also had to listen to this guy).
But even worse then the Matt Millen fan club president behind me (not that there's anything wrong with that) was the fat drunk chick in front of me. She would not leave me or my family alone. She tried to take pictures of us. A lot of them. I held up my hand or told her I do not enjoy strangers photographing me for no reason and got called an angry a**hole. In response to being called an angry a**hole I wish I had called her a fat b***h, cause she was. She was constantly trying to force conversation on me or my brothers instead of watching the game. By the time the fourth quarter rolled around I was in a pretty sour mood considering Thad Lewis was shutting out my team and I had Matt Millen's cousin behind me. Fat drunk Buffalo chick sees me looking disgusted, and gets two inches from my face and says ah who is grumpy (keep in mind I had been cold to her the entire game hoping she would leave alone. If she was hot the story would obviously be different but she was not) and then started growling in my face. I told her to stop, she is annoying, so I was once again called an a**hole.
I wasn't sure what to do and was about to lose my temper on the fat drunk at this point. But embarrassingly enough, my mother saved me, and told fat chick off and to leave me alone. She just walked off at that point. I'm not sure where, probably to a KFC somewhere.
So a rough time was had. Even when I left Matt Millen and Drunken Rosie O'Donnell Bills fans just like to touch you. People keep putting their arms over my shoulder, or grabbing my arm, trying to talk s*** or be stupid in some way. I felt violated.
25. New York Giants (7-9) - Previously: #24 - I never understood the speculation that Tom Coughlin would be fired. Coughlin is a two-time Super Bowl winner and a top-five NFL coach. Unless the Giants found a way to clone Bill Belichick, firing Coughlin made absolutely no sense.
24. Tennessee Titans (7-9) - Previously: #20 - I have to say that I miss my Stupid Vince and Senile Bud segments. I'll definitely come up with some sort of way to incorporate Stupid Vince into my power rankings next year. I may have Stupid Vince join another owner like Jerry Jones or Daniel Snyder. Perhaps I'll have Stupid Vince travel around the NFL so he can interact with multiple owners.
23. Atlanta Falcons (4-12) - Previously: #23 - I already discussed the Falcons and Tony Gonzalez, so it's time for more Andy Reid memes!
Last week, I showed you something from Reid's Philadelphia days:
This week, here's, well, you can figure it out:
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Arizona Cardinals (10-6). Previously: #11
12. Indianapolis Colts (11-5). Previously: #14
13. San Diego Chargers (9-7). Previously: #7
14. Baltimore Ravens (8-8). Previously: #12
15. Miami Dolphins (8-8). Previously: #13
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8). Previously: #15
17. Chicago Bears (8-8). Previously: #16
18. Dallas Cowboys (8-8). Previously: #22
19. St. Louis Rams (7-9). Previously: #19
20. Detroit Lions (7-9). Previously: #18
21. Minnesota Vikings (5-10-1). Previously: #21
22. New York Jets (8-8). Previously: #27
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: