Denver Broncos (6-0) - Previously: #1 - The Jaguars lost to the Broncos by 16 and the Rams by 14. This means that Denver is only two points better than St. Louis. It's true. I just did the math for you.
Oh, but wait, Von Miller is back. He should have a bit of an impact, right? Make that three points better than St. Louis!
In all seriousness, I wish Denver would've tried. I still don't know how Peyton Manning said "We're playing a good NFL football team" leading up to the week with a straight face.
Seattle Seahawks (5-1) - Previously: #2 - I still have no idea how the Seahawks didn't cover against the Titans, who failed to score a single offensive touchdown. What a weird Week 6.
I've always had Seattle ranked No. 1 or 2. One hate-mailer took umbrage to this, commenting, "Your true statement is 'I'm a Seattle fan, and I'm a major douche.'" Umm... yeah, I am a major douche, but why would I be a Seattle fan? I live in Philadelphia. I have no affiliation with the Seahawks.
In full disclosure, my sister is a Seahawk fan. She used to like the Eagles before they signed QB Dog Killer. She then switched over to Seattle because she liked the team's colors. I guess that's as good of a reason as any.
San Francisco 49ers (4-2) - Previously: #3 - Remember the good ole days when the 49ers were 1-2 and shouldn't have been considered a top-five team? Ah, gotta love dumb media overreaction. It just goes to show that Bill Parcells' adage of "you are what your record is" happens to be a fallacy that has been exposed by sharp bettors over the years.
Oh, and you know how someone accused me of being a Seattle fan? Check out these two comments made below:
- This guy has to be a 49ers fan.
- The Colts beat the Seahawks, both teamsare 4-1, yet the Seahawks are better because the Seahawks had to play the Colts at 1 pm EST. Walt, you are a Seahawks homer
Wow, I must be one super-awesome football fan to love both the Seahawks and 49ers.
New Orleans Saints (5-1) - Previously: #4 - There's no shame in losing a road game in the final seconds to Tom Brady, so New Orleans will remain firm at No. 4. Thank God that happened though. I would've gone nuts had the Patriots not covered despite leading for the majority of the contest. When Kenbrell Thompkins caught that touchdown, I actually yelled, "YEAH!!! F*** YOU, SAINTS!" And no, I'm not a Falcon, Panther or Buc fan.
In addition to being accused a homer of teams I don't cheer for (unless I bet on them), someone wrote the following below:
God damn, you're a terrible writer. There was like 5% actual analysis in that. The rest was awful jokes and and response to "hate mail". Here's the thing. If you can organically work a joke in, then fine. But don't call this "Power Rankings" and then subject the reader to pointless dialogues that are neither funny or relevant.
Come on, bro. All of my dialogues are extremely relevant. And I'm kind of flattered you think that I'm providing you with 5-percent analysis. I thought it was like 2, maybe 2.5 percent. This just brightened my day.
New England Patriots (5-1) - Previously: #5 - I keep saying the Patriots will be much better when Rob Gronkowski returns. What if he never does? The whole team seems so fed up with him, so what if they trade him away? I didn't include him in my recent Projected NFL Trades article, but perhaps I should have.
Speaking of Gronker, this NFL.com graphic should illustrate just how talented he is:
I suppose Gronkowski gets 5.9 points automatically for GRONK SMASH.
Green Bay Packers (3-2) - Previously: #7 - I should note that I made a mistake last week. I said Clay Matthews would be out for the year after reading an incorrect report. It turns out he could be back just before Thanksgiving.
What a spirited performance by the Green Bay defense on Sunday, by the way. It's almost as if the stop unit wanted to prove that it could thrive without Matthews. Nick Perry has turned into a stud, so when Matthews returns, they'll be a dangerous tandem.
Eddie Lacy also ran well, but the dark cloud surrounding the victory was that Randall Cobb and James Jones both got hurt. Cobb will be out 6-8 weeks.
Indianapolis Colts (4-2) - Previously: #6 - Go to my NFL Game Recaps page for analysis of the Colts-Chargers game.
Kansas City Chiefs (6-0) - Previously: #8 - Kansas City fans will be mad because I still have the Chiefs at No. 8, but forgive me for being skeptical. No team they've beaten currently has a record over .500 (and please don't make the dumb argument that Denver hasn't either). That'll change next week unless the Eagles and Cowboys tie, but beating an NFC East garbo team this year means very little.
I can at least make Kansas City backers laugh with more Andy Reid fat jokes. Last week, I posted this:
This week, I'm going with an actual dinner item rather than a snack:
Baltimore Ravens (3-3) - Previously: #9 - Casual observers will see the Ravens as lucky to cover when they had that crazy backdoor touchdown, but they were doing stupid crap all game. They killed themselves with constant, dumb mistakes. They could've easily beaten the Packers. Then again, Green Bay lost three key players, so I don't know.
On the bright side, Brian Billick is long gone. I bring him up because he offered the following gem during the Minnesota-Carolina telecast, as recapped by VikingSteve:
Brian Billick: "Mass equals force times velocity." No, Billick, that's power. I hate you, Brian Billick. Stop calling Vikings games.
Detroit Lions (4-2) - Previously: #10 - I didn't really make any changes in my top 10. I thought about moving a couple of things around, but I like where I have these teams ranked.
Marshall Faulk may think differently, however. I usually like Faulk's analysis, but he said something very peculiar Sunday night: "If the Lions had to play the Bears or the Packers, they probably wouldn't beat the Bears or the Packers." Umm... did Detroit not defeat Chicago in Week 4, or was losing $440 just a figment of my imagination?
NFL Power Rankings: Week 7 - Bottom 10
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6) - Previously: #32 - Gus Bradley took a ton of gambles in the Denver game, including a fake punt from inside his own territory in the first quarter. Sounds like it's time for...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Bradley was in his office trying to devise a game plan for Denver...
Gus Bradley: Holy moly, how in the hell am I going to beat this team?
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5) - Previously: #31 - Nice job by the Buccaneers using Darrelle Revis appropriately. Revis is capable of shutting down any receiver he covers, so Tampa is naturally using him in zone. That makes soooo much sense.
This reminded me of a rant that Deaner posted when the Buccaneers acquired Revis:
I hate this. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it. Three ****ing picks for a guy we could have signed next season? **** you Dominik, you've killed this team for one player who'll be out of the league before we're competitive again. There are holes all over the ****ing roster (TE, DE, DT, OT, not to mention depth issues everywhere), but no, making a big splashy acquisition like this just had to happen, even if it means ruining our ability to draft ****ing ANYBODY and fill all the other ****ing holes on our roster. But yeah, no, SUPER BOWL OR BUST, WE HAVE A GOOD CB NOW! I quit. I'm done with this hopeless ****ing team. I hereby renounce my Buccaneers fanhood.
30. Buffalo Bills (2-4) - Previously: #30 - I dropped the Bills to No. 30 last week because E.J. Manuel was declared out for at least six weeks. He may not be effective when he returns anyway. Thaddeus Lewis handled himself well, but now he's hurt. The poor Bills may have to turn to Matt Flynn. Anyone but Jeff Tuel, who hasn't left his room in protest recently because his parents decreased his allowance from $50,000 to $49,000 per week.
29. New York Giants (0-6) - Previously: #28 - It figures the Giants would finally cover when I stopped picking them. I'm convinced that Eli Manning is tanking this season so he can make my picks look bad. Fortunately, karma struck when he decided to screw me over but couldn't come away with a victory. Ha!
Who saw that Giants' cover coming, by the way? If you had New York, did you honestly think Brandon Jacobs would suddenly be unstoppable? Like seriously, how the f*** did that happen? This is why predicting NFL games is extremely difficult sometimes.
28. Cleveland Browns (3-3) - Previously: #26 - Ah, the Browns teased us yet again, but the football gods injured Brian Hoyer, subjecting us to more Brandon Weeden ineptitude.
This week's Gong Rant is a bit more subdued than usual:
Went to game
Weeden sucks and is terrible. Yes, the interceptions were critical and he kept trying to throw pick sixes that weren't caught.
Obi One Kanobi should be our starting RB. He is the best we got now. McGahee is done. I mean like slowest RB I have ever seen in an NFL uniform.
Little is garbage, and even with his TD, he is garbage player. Cut him already. Put him and us out of our misery and get him off the team. Bess dropped a first down early, then proceeded to do near nothing the rest of the game. I would prefer Jordan Norwood over both those players and not sure why we cut him.
Browns fans are classless, detroit fans are classless, so yeah, upperdeck had ZERO security, so put the rest of that together, was a **** show in the stands. A pure **** show.
A s*** show both in the stands and on the field. Gotta love the Browns.
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-4) - Previously: #23 - I'd offer analysis of the Vikings, but I may not be allowed to do that. The Sand in the Vag Mafia may criticize me for doing my job amid tragedy again.
26. Washington Redskins (1-4) - Previously: #25 - The good news is that Robert Griffin looked better. The bad news is that defense and special teams are a joke.
Speaking of jokes, it's time for the Adventures of Stupid Vince and Senile Bud! In this week's episode...
Bud Adams: What the hell is Bob Costas talking about on TV? Man servant, come in here quickly!
Vince Young: Ha. I see guy who talk in box before.
Bud Adams: Man servant, that's Bob Costas, and he's an a**hole who thinks he's better than everyone else. What is he talking about with the Redskins switching names? How can they switch names?
Vince Young: Derrr, I tink people mad that Redskin make fun of people who sit under sun too long and get sun burnted.
Bud Adams: Ah, and no doubt these whiny liberals are trying to defend the Natives, who probably don't even know what football is.
Vince Young: Derrr, you explainted to me liberal do not mean house with book inside.
Bud Adams: Yes, once again, that's a library, but this is an outrage! How can they change the name when we are at war with the Natives!?
Vince Young: Derrr, I no tink United States America have war with anybody right now ha.
Bud Adams: Man servant, how clueless are you? We bought the land from the Natives fair and square, and now they're going around and scalping people. They must be stopped!
Vince Young: I tink I have scalp for dinner ha. Or maybe I no have scalp or maybe shrimp?
Bud Adams: Weh? You've been scalped by the Natives!? I must quickly summon a medic, but where are my carrier pigeons, damn it!?
25. St. Louis Rams (3-3) - Previously: #29 - I wrote last week: "Beating Jacksonville is like banging the fat chick at the bar. Yes, you can notch it on your record, but you're not exactly going to brag about it."
Well, what about Houston? The Texans are getting tons of flak from their fans, so perhaps they're like the village slut who is chided from sleeping around. Sure, bedding her is an easy lay (much like beating Houston is an easy victory right now), but how much did you accomplish, exactly? After all, there are hotter, more challenging chicks to bang.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4) - Previously: #27 - A fluke win, or a sign of things to come? I guess we'll see. Ben Roethlisberger looked like the vintage Big Ben, but I still have concerns about a horrible offensive line and a slow defense.
It makes me sad the Steelers won, only because Leelee's prediction won't come to fruition:
Steelers are gonna tank for Bridgewater. Then trade Ben to the Bills for a 1st and he'll suck and go to jail for raping ugly fat Buffalo women.
The Jaguars now have the inside track on Teddy Bridgewater now, so I guess it's a good thing the ugly, fat Buffalo women will be safe.
23. Oakland Raiders (2-4) - Previously: #21 - Ten sacks? Ten sacks!? How about getting out of the huddle with more than 10 seconds remaining on the play clock so you can read the defense, Terrelle Pryor?
I'm kind of glad the Raiders are in the bottom 10 again, only because it allows me to post this hilarious picture my betting friend Matvei sent to me of a banner Oakland hung in their locker room:
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2). Previously: #11
12. Miami Dolphins (3-2). Previously: #12
13. San Diego Chargers (3-3). Previously: #17
14. Dallas Cowboys (3-3). Previously: #13
15. Chicago Bears (4-2). Previously: #14
16. Carolina Panthers (2-3). Previously: #19
17. Arizona Cardinals (3-3). Previously: #20
18. New York Jets (3-3). Previously: #16
19. Atlanta Falcons (1-4). Previously: #18
20. Houston Texans (2-4). Previously: #15
21. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3). Previously: #24
22. Tennessee Titans (3-3). Previously: #22
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: