New York Giants (11-7) - Previously: #3 - The Giants are the new No. 1 because of all the teams left, they have the best balance of offense and defense. Plus, they beat the Patriots before they even got rolling.
Don't get too cocky, Giant fans, because a Super Bowl appearance isn't even guaranteed. Migelini, the dumbest person alive, is enamored with the 49ers and is picking them to win the "Super Game."
New England Patriots (14-3) - Previously: #5 - As an employee of this site noted, "Tim Tebow beat the rapist last week, but he couldn't defeat the impregnator." If Tebow did advance to the AFC Championship against the Ravens, what would Joe Flacco be? I'm not sure, but I have to believe that his ugly mustache is some sort of sin.
By the way, I'll never understand why Tom Brady plays in F-U mode against Tim Tebow. It's not like people think he's going to lose to Denver. What sort of idiot would pick the Broncos to win straight up?
I'm going to have to ask Brady why he gets so fired up versus Tebow. Stay tuned for a very revealing interview.
Green Bay Packers (15-2) - Previously: #1 - Still think losing one game to take the pressure off was a good idea?
1. "Trust me our d-cooordinater is gone yes no offensive cooordinater lol! ture, but i mean thats what we need to and thats why everybody like him b/c he is gusty the problem was we ran and qb-sneaked do little julio jones thing and that was the o-coordinater's fault"
Everyone liked him because he was gusty? Why would anyone like gusty people? I don't want to be around someone who farts a lot.
2. "lets go Broncos these pats r old and proven to b cheaters josh mcdaniels is probely tellin the pats all of our schemes wow there cheaters"
As Migelini would say, "I agree on you." That's clearly why I lost $550 on the Broncos.
3. "uh wait when ryan picket gets back. They wont get run over by the run."
As opposed to getting run over by the pass?
New Orleans Saints (14-4) - Previously: #2 - I was at Whiskey Tango this past Friday night - I'll be writing about this in Jerks of the Week later - when several people asked me whom I picked to go to the Super Bowl. I had a bit too much to drink at the time, so I offered up this gem:
And with that, I lost a few readers. Oh well. I had a good time, though the lesson is learned - don't drink and offer predictions. This is not a lesson that Terry Bradshaw has learned, unfortunately.
San Francisco 49ers (14-3) - Previously: #6 - And because of two drives, Alex Smith is no longer a No. 1 overall bust. Interesting. I love the work Jim Harbaugh has done with Smith, but I'd like to see what the 49ers do against a team that doesn't give them five turnovers.
This Harbaugh storyline is pretty amazing though. It's just a shame that his pixie dust doesn't work in all facets. For example, some Harbaugh magic could turn Rosie O'Donnell into a hot chick, or Emmitt Smith into a wordsmith, or even Matt Millen into a normal human being who doesn't shove kielbasa into his own rear end.
Baltimore Ravens (13-4) - Previously: #4 - The worst moment of the year for me is when they announce the winners of the Punk, Pass and Kick competition. Here are my reactions to it, as well as some other things people on the forum had to say:
Me: Noooooooooooo not the Punt, Pass and Kick competition!!!!!!!!!! Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brazil301: Nobody cares about you little girl
Piazzajordan2: Who Cares????????????????????????????.... I didn't care in 2009, I don't care in 2012! lol
Me: Noooooooooooooo stop punt pass kick ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Eagles 1990: Nothing says crunch time in a playoff game like hosting a Punt, Pass and Kick contest BEFORE the 4th quarter
Me: pLEASE gOD MAKE it STOOSPPSPPP MAKKKEEE IIIIIIIIIIT STOPPPPPPPPPPP
The Kaiser: The chick with the Vikings uniform on is about a 3 or 4 but with that uni on she's like an 8 or 9.
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh punt pass and kick i want to kill mysellllllllffffffffff
Run-DMG: Jerry Sandusky would be an excellent hire for the Punt, Pass, Kick program.
Hopefully Sandusky inadvertently disbands Punt, Pass and Kick. Otherwise, I may suffer an emotional breakdown next year.
Denver Broncos (9-9) - Previously: #8 - I mentioned earlier that Tom Brady inexplicably goes into F-U mode against Tim Tebow, and I didn't understand why. Being the responsible journalist that I am, I sat down with Brady to find out what the deal is:
Me: Hey Tom, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Tom Brady: No problem, Walt. Always a pleasure.
Me: Incredible game Saturday night. Congrats on your record, and make sure you give some dap to your defense for shutting down Tim Tebow.
Tom Brady: TIM TEBOW!?!?? TIM TEBOW!?!??!?!?!!??!?! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT TIM TEBOW!?!?!?!?
Me: I'm just saying your defense did a good job...
Tom Brady: YOU KNOW WHO DID A GOOD JOB, WALT!? ME!!!!!!!!!! TIM TEBOW SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I PROVED THAT I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN TIM TEBOW!!!!!!!!!
Me: I don't think anyone ever questioned that...
Tom Brady: EVERYONE QUESTIONED IT!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE!!!!!!! ALL PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT ALL WEEK WAS TIM TEBOW!!!!!!! NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!!!!!!! DOES TIM TEBOW HAVE THREE SUPER BOWLS!? NO! DOES TIM TEBOW BANG HOT SUPERMODELS!? NO! I BANG HOT SUPERMODELS! ME!!!!!!!!! NO ONE BANGS MORE HOT SUPERMODELS THAN ME!!!!!
Me: What does that have to do with this game?
Tom Brady: EVERYTHING!!!! EVERYONE THOUGHT TIM TEBOW WAS GOING TO WIN SO I HAD TO PROVE THEM ALL WRONG BY WINNING AND THEN HAVING SEX WITH LOTS OF SUPERMODELS!!!!
Me: You do know you were a two-touchdown favorite, right?
Tom Brady: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT POINT SPREADS, WALT!!!! I'M TALKING ABOUT GOD!!!! EVERYONE SAID TEBOW HAD GOD ON HIS SIDE, AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT GOD IS WORTH AT LEAST 49 POINTS!!!
Me: God is worth 49 points? Where'd you come up with that?
Tom Brady: I CAME UP WITH IT LAST NIGHT WHEN I WAS HAVING SEX WITH HOT SUPERMODELS!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TEBOW WAS DOING LAST NIGHT!?!?!? NOT HAVING SEX WITH HOT SUPERMODELS!!!
Me: Well, he is waiting until he's married...
Tom Brady: OH, HE'S SO SLICK, ISN'T HE!? BY BEING A VIRGIN HE THINKS HE CAN GET OUT OF THE HAVING SEX WITH AS MANY SUPERMODELS AS POSSIBLE COMPETITION, WHICH I'M CLEARLY WINNING!!!! I SHOWED TEBOW!!!! I'VE BANGED 50 TIMES AS MANY HOT SUPER MODELS AS HIM!!!!
Me: You know, I'm beginning to think that you have mental problems.
Tom Brady: THAT'S IT!!!! I'M GOING INTO F-U MODE AND THROWING FOR SIX TOUCHDOWNS THE NEXT TIME I PLAY YOU!!!!
Me: Ah crap, I just peed my pants a little bit as soon as you said that. No wonder you're so good.
Houston Texans (11-7) - Previously: #10 - As I wrote in my game recaps, it's a shame the Texans lost Matt Schaub because they would be the Super Bowl favorites as the most balanced team in the league. T.J. Yates did OK, but made too many bad decisions by locking onto Andre Johnson.
Why did Yates just stare down Johnson the whole time? Hmm...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
T.J. Yates: This is my second playoff game, and I'm going to throw it to all of my receivers!
Derek Anderson: Diiiid yewww sayyy pplayyoofff!? Hic! I nneeevvuurr pppllay innnn playoooffff! Yewww cannn winnnn Suppprrr Booowwlllzzz by havvvennnn a sssipp offff thissssss hic!
T.J. Yates: Why, thank you, mister! I do appreciate the help because I can't understand what Jake Delhomme is saying to me.
*** Ten minutes later... ***
T.J. Yates: I dunnnnnooo whooozzee onnnn myyyy teeammm exxxcuuupptt Annnndreee Johhnnsssnnn hic! So I'mmm juusss gonnnnna thrroowww taaaa himmmmm. Hic!
Stupid Derek Anderson has derailed Yates' career.
Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links:
The pick of J. Allen by the 49ers is just not going to happen. The Niners need a nose tackle, not another first round 3-4 DE. With their cap space they are more likely to make a play for Dontari Poe, and use the # 2 pick for a QB. I hate to suggest that they will trade back, because that is difficult to do. The Niners are in such a sad state that they could upgrade at virtually any position with multiple picks in the first and second rounds.