32. Indianapolis Colts (0-10) - Previously: #32 - Beloved GameCenter poster and Colts fan Taton was a bit more calm than he was last week:
At least he learned how to Curtis Painter's name. I spent hours last week trying to figure out who Cristis Prainter was.
31. Washington Redskins (3-6) - Previously: #29 - My friend Gary said it best: "Screw you Mike Shanahan."
The decision to start Ryan Torain over Roy Helu was inexplicable. It made no sense. At this point, it's reasonable to assume that Shanahan either A) belongs in a mental hospital or B) has the mindset, "If my team is going down, I'm taking fantasy owners with me! Muhahahaha!"
Here's a good question: Would it surprise anyone if Shanahan has about 50 dead fantasy owners buried in his backyard? Washington police force, if fantasy football owners are missing in your area, please search Shanahan's house. You can give me a reward later.
30. Cleveland Browns (3-6) - Previously: #27 - Facebook friend Rob R. with a rant about the crappy Browns:
Walter, I am having issues I am Browns fan, but this is just getting ridiculous. For years I have watched this team. It has now been 12 years since they came back, and its not looking any better! I used to get angry over such things, however, I found myself playing Mario Kart by the third quarter yesterday and feeling quite apathetic. The apathy is scaring me! Any advice? Just play more Mario Kart until it gets better?
Mario Kart won't help, Rob. The blue shell only knocks out first place. Thus, taking out the Steelers won't do you any good since the Ravens and Bengals are ahead of you as well.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5) - Previously: #19 - Matt Cassel is out for the year, which is why the Chiefs are this low.
Anyway, I found the following comment on GameCenter:
I heard the rapper Tech N9ne going to be there rooting for his hometown CHIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I were at Arrowhead, so I could drink rapper Tech N9ne's tears, as Tim Tebow's two completions slew his precious Chiefs. I'm not even sure who the hell Tech N9ne is, but I'm sure his tears tasted great.
"Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy! Mm-yummy, you guys!"
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6) - Previously: #31 - Ken Whisenhunt out-coached Andy Reid on Sunday, but that's not too difficult. I got a kick out of what the FOX sideline reporter said at the beginning of the third quarter:
"I talked to Coach Reid at halftime, and his message to his players at halftime was, 'Keep playing hard!'"
How dare the FOX sideline reporter betray such secrets? For years, successful teams like the Steelers, Patriots and Colts have been winning because they've played hard. Now everyone knows! Keep your mouth shut next time, stupid sideline reporter!
27. St. Louis Rams (2-7) - Previously: #30 - A win over the Browns means nothing, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first two from Facebook friend Jay B):
1. "i am a packs fan and i love how the lions are playing on are lvl :D"
Stop smiling and open a book, idiot.
2. "YICKES THE FALCONS ARE LOSING CMON FALCONS ATLEAST TI WITH THEM"
Yes, Falcons. Ti with them. Not do, re, or even mi. Not fa, or so, or even la. Ti, damn it!
3. "do you know who you remind me of brett favre, you like touching little boys and pissin people off whats up with that"
Brett Favre went to Penn State!
26. Miami Dolphins (2-7) - Previously: #28 - Maybe it's a good thing that Matt Moore has played well the past three weeks. If Moore failed, the Dolphins would have to turn to this guy:
Actually, those are two different people, but they're pretty much the same. One is a has-been who has sucked in the pros. The other is a has-been who now makes sucky movies. I'll let you figure out which is which.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) - Previously: #25 - An e-mail I received from Andrew C. when I mentioned that the Jaguars lost Mike Sims-Walker for the year:
"Jacksonville's prized signing, Mike Sims-Walker, is out for the year, leaving Mike Thomas, Jason Hill, Cecil Shorts and a disinterested Marcedes Lewis to catch passes from a skittish rookie. "
what does a Rams WR have to do with this game??? Cmon, get your head out of your a**.
I love when I get hate mail when someone incorrectly assumes I got a fact wrong. But I can't blame Andrew; I mean, how dumb were the Jaguars in thinking that Sims-Walker was actually going to contribute for them?
24. Carolina Panthers (2-7) - Previously: #22 - In my NFL Game Recaps, I wrote, "It's almost like the Panthers did nothing but drink, smoke and party during their bye. They came out flat in this contest and continuously made stupid mistakes to shoot themselves in the foot."
As Facebook friend Jay B. pointed out: "You do realize who's currently listed as their backup quarterback, right?"
Can't believe I missed that...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Cam Newton: I am such an awesome quarterback, and I am rich from my NFL contract and 180,000 gold I received from Auburn, doo doo doo, doo doo.
Derek Anderson: Heyyyyzzz starttunn qurrrbackkk, havvve a sssipp offff thissssss hic!
Cam Newton: How much gold does it cost, for I only have 135,000 gold remaining from Auburn?
Derek Anderson: Furrrr yewwww? Izzzz freeee hic!
Cam Newton: Well, it is my bye week. I'll have a sip!
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Cam Newton: Heeyyzzz I cann'''tt seeee strruutt, hic! Hewww dooo weeee pppplayyyy nuxxuttt weeeeekkkk? Hic!
23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6) - Previously: #14 - What the hell is the deal with DeSean Jackson? No one seems to know for sure, so I called Jackson up for an interview...
Me: Hey DeSean, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. So, what happened exactly?
Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh... I need to... uhh... put the players in a better position... umm... hem, hem...
Me: Andy Reid? What are you doing here?
Andy Reid: I... uhh... hem, hem.... uhh... need to put the players in a better position... hem, hem...
Me: I know that. You just said that. But why are you here? Where's DeSean Jackson?
Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh... we need to... umm... uhh... get on the same page... uhh...
Me: Dude, where the hell is DeSean Jackson!?
Andy Reid: Uhh... hem, hem... umm... uhh... he overslept... uhh... hem, hem...
Me: Ugh! Now I have to talk to you!?
Andy Reid: Uhh... hem, hem... I take full responsibility... hem, hem... uhh... umm... uhh...
Me: Someone please save me from this nightmare!
DeSean Jackson: I'm here, guys!
Me: Thank God.
Andy Reid: Hem, hem... umm... uhh... umm... you're going to... uhh... hem, hem... be suspended from this interview, DeSean... uhh... hem, hem...
DeSean Jackson: K bye!
Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh... I need to... uhh... take full responsibility... umm... hem, hem... uhh... hem, hem...
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Jets (5-4). Previously: #9
12. Detroit Lions (6-3). Previously: #8
13. Cincinnati Bengals (6-3). Previously: #13
14. Atlanta Falcons (5-4). Previously: #15
15. Houston Texans (7-3). Previously: #11
16. Buffalo Bills (5-4). Previously: #12
17. Denver Broncos (4-5). Previously: #23
18. San Diego Chargers (4-5). Previously: #17
19. Tennessee Titans (5-4). Previously: #24
20. Seattle Seahawks (3-6). Previously: #26
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5). Previously: #18
22. Minnesota Vikings (2-7). Previously: #21
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