32. Indianapolis Colts (0-9) - Previously: #32 - Beloved GameCenter poster and Colts fan Taton threw a temper tantrum during his team's latest loss:
1. Will Taton and Falcon Girl get married and have kids who post stupid things on GameCenter?
2. Who is this Cristis Prainter bum, and why are the Colts starting him?
31. Arizona Cardinals (2-6) - Previously: #30 - I have nothing interesting to say about the Cardinals, who had no business beating the Rams, so let's continue with the Colts. They've pretty much locked up Andrew Luck, but that's not a good thing according to Phil Simms, who doesn't think Luck can make all the throws.
I decided to call Simms for an interview to find out why he believes this.
Me: Hey Phil, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. So, why do you think Andrew Luck sucks?
Phil Simms: He has a minuscule arm. He can't make all the throws. The Colts will really regret it if they draft him and let Peyton Manning go.
Me: Interesting - because every other scout is enamoured with Luck.
Phil Simms: Well, I'm not every other scout. Believe me, the Colts will have no luck if they draft Andrew Luck.
Me: Clever. So, who's your favorite quarterback in this class?
Phil Simms: Can I go with none of the above?
Me: Really? You hate all of them?
Phil Simms: Matt Barkley is a poser. Did you see his blond hair? He's trying too hard to be like me and my awesome son.
Me: I'm sure that's what he was going for.
Phil Simms: Glad you see it that way. That Jones guy from Oklahoma also sucks. He throws like a girl. And Blake Griffin from Baylor is too dark-skinned to play quarterback.
Me: That's not racist at all.
Phil Simms: Well, to be a perfect NFL quarterback, you need to be pale with blond hair like me and my awesome son.
Me: I was going to ask about that. Don't you have two sons?
Phil Simms: What? Of course not. Don't be stupid.
Me: There's Matt Simms, who quarterbacks the Tennessee Vols, and Chris Simms, who used to start for the Bucs...
Phil Simms: Who's Chris Simms? Never heard of that epic failure.
Me: I'm pretty sure Chris Simms is your son.
Phil Simms: I'm ending this interview right now. How dare you say I have two sons when I clearly had one? If I had a son named Chris Simms, and he sucked as much as he did in the NFL, I would disown him for sure!
30. St. Louis Rams (1-7) - Previously: #29 - I'm still putting St. Louis ahead of the Cardinals. I'm convinced that if I didn't bet the Rams, they wouldn't have had that field goal blocked and certainly wouldn't have allowed that Patrick Peterson punt return touchdown.
29. Washington Redskins (3-5) - Previously: #27 - You know a quarterback sucks when you're betting on him, and every time he throws a non-checkdown, you shout, "Oh no!" Ladies and gentlemen, John Blegh.
28. Miami Dolphins (1-7) - Previously: #31 - If you haven't heard, the Dolphins suspended cornerback Vontae Davis because they believe he got drunk the night before showing up late to a practice in which he got into a fight with Brandon Marshall.
I think it's time to bring back an old favorite...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Vontae Davis: Doo doo doo doo doo... I'm a great NFL cornerback. Oh, what's this flask doing in my locker? From Derek Anderson? Hmm... let me try...
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Vontae Davis: Hic! Heyyyy Branzzz Marshulllzzz, why yewww drop evurthinnnn that Matt Mooorree throoowww toooo yewwwww? Hic!
27. Cleveland Browns (3-5) - Previously: #26 - Whether you're a Browns fan or not, you have to listen to this epic Browns fans rant, posted by Egg Shen on the forum.
Here are the highlights if you can't listen:
"Get excited, folks! Carlton Mitchell is playing on Sunday!"
"I'M TIRED OF SUCKING!!!"
"I can only eat so much poop."
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-6) - Previously: #28 - An exchange on the forum from a while ago that still applies:
LTomlinson31: Do wins against the Chiefs, Browns and Seahawks count anymore?
Ragnarok: Kinda like how f***ing a fat girl "counts." Technically you got laid, but you sure as hell don't want to brag about it.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) - Previously: #25 - The Jaguars are coming off a bye, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first from Facebook friend Jay B):
1. "Det is going to lose agian and with Da Bears win today they are on thier way to the Super bowel!!!"
I think it's safe to say that the team to win the Super Bowel will be the one to be digested last.
2. "EAGIRLS LOSE 54-O HA HA HA "
3. "this is a good little road test and chance to make a statement by beating the crab out of the seahawks and letting the league know their for real"
This actually makes sense. I suppose a seahawk could swoop down to the ocean and swallow a crab, which would allow one to beat the crab out of it.
24. Tennessee Titans (4-4) - Previously: #23 - If you don't like where your team is seeded in these NFL Power Rankings, you're not alone.
E-mailer Charles B. had this to say:
The Houston Texans, after 8 games (one half of their season) have the 3rd best defense in the NFL, the 7th best offense in the NFL, are in first place alone in the AFC South with a 5-3 record, and all of this while either Arian Foster or Andre Johnson has been out every game. Oh, and did I mention Mario Williams out for the year as well. Yet, you rate them without mentioin as, what, the 13th best team in the league. Please. Your bias against them is all too obvious here.
Oh yeah, I hate the Texans. As a born and raised Philadelphian, my hatred for the Texans has been the one constant in my life for 29 years. I apologize for being so biased.
In all seriousness, I just don't trust Schaub to come through in the clutch. I've seen this story one too many times.
23. Denver Broncos (3-5) - Previously: #24 - I found it absolutely ridiculous that John Elway planned to bench Tim Tebow if he had another poor performance. Like Lord Elway never had two bad games in his career.
What would benching Tebow have accomplished? A chance to see Brady Quinn in action? Get real.
Is it just me, or do Elway and John Fox seem like bad guys from a cheesy 80s movie? I'm half expecting Tebow to fight them in the All-Valley Karate Tournament.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Houston Texans (6-3). Previously: #13
12. Buffalo Bills (5-3). Previously: #5
13. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2). Previously: #14
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5). Previously: #6
15. Atlanta Falcons (5-3). Previously: #18
16. Dallas Cowboys (4-4). Previously: #19
17. San Diego Chargers (4-4). Previously: #16
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4). Previously: #17
19. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4). Previously: #15
20. Oakland Raiders (4-4). Previously: #20
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6). Previously: #21
22. Carolina Panthers (2-6). Previously: #22
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