32. Indianapolis Colts (0-8) - Previously: #30 - Beloved GameCenter poster and Colts fan Taton during his team's loss:
Anyone else think the Colts should fire Jim Caldwell and bring in Taton? He at least shows some damn emotion, and I'm willing to bet Taton never would have bothered with Kerry Collins. Plus, the press conferences would be awesome, because after a loss, he would just yell, "That is sux!" over and over.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-7) - Previously: #32 - "We're a well-coached football team." -- Tony Sparano, following Miami's 20-17 loss to the Giants.
I beg to differ, kind sir.
30. Arizona Cardinals (1-6) - Previously: #29 - Patriot54 posted the following in the Live In-Games Thread:
This Scott Hanson dude from Red Zone is going crazy this year. He'll have a heart attack by the end of Week 9.
Scott Hanson? What about me? The Cardinals play like crap when I bet on them and nearly pull huge upsets when I go against them. I have no doubt that I'll beat Scott to the hospital.
29. St. Louis Rams (1-6) - Previously: #31 - I can't figure this out, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first from Facebook friend Jay B):
1. "87 yard drive on a who said jags D can stop the run very long day coming jags"
I never thought I'd see anyone confuse "so-called" and "who-said." But that's why GameCenter is so wonderful.
2. "lmao we;re talkn bout this yr, n whats gonna happen tomorrow. heres a little briedf yalls offense gna get shut out and yalls d wont be able to hang, 27-7 texans"
Confused. This guy is calling for a shutout, yet he thinks the other team's going to score seven points. How could a man like this who writes so brilliantly lack so much logic?
3. "goldy locks aint gna do nuthn but throw pics if nething. mjd might have a decent game but no 150 yard gmae "
Watch out for those pictures goldy locks is apparently going to throw!
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) - Previously: #28 - Pete Carroll is such a lying douche bag that his own Twitter feed isn't accurate. If you missed it, the Seahawks' Twitter feed reported an hour prior to kickoff that Tarvaris Jackson would start, but Carroll opted to go with Charlie Whitehurst instead.
I can only imagine how this works in his household...
Pete Carroll's Wife: Honey, I've been slaving all day, but all the food is ready for your dinner party.
Pete Carroll: There's not going to be a dinner party.
Pete Carroll's Wife: What do you mean!? You told me a few hours ago that the entire team was coming over!
Pete Carroll: Nah, I changed my mind.
Pete Carroll's Wife: You dick!
*** Pete Carroll's wife throws out most of the food in frustration. Thirty minutes later... ***
Pete Carroll: Hey wife, the guests will be here in five minutes.
Pete Carroll's Wife: What guests?
Pete Carroll: For the dinner party I told you about. The entire team's coming. Come on, get the food ready. Chop chop!
Pete Carroll's Wife: You mother-f***ing son of a b***h, I'm going to f***ing kill you!
27. Washington Redskins (3-4) - Previously: #25 - No one should be shocked if the Redskins don't win another game this year. Perhaps they will though if they take this GameCenter user's advice, posted after the game:
F**K YOU SHANAHAN YOU SHOULD HAVE WENT FOR THE FU**ING FIELD GOAL YOU MORON!
Yeah! The Redskins could have lost 23-3 instead of 23-0!
26. Cleveland Browns (3-4) - Previously: #27 - I have nothing interesting to say on the Browns, so more on the Redskins:
I ranked Roy Helu over Ryan Torain in my Weekly Fantasy Football Rankings, prompting a few e-mailers to ask me why I thought Helu would get more work than Torain.
It turns out that I was both right and wrong. Helu didn't get a single carry, but had more standard-league fantasy points (2) than Torain (1).
As for my reasoning? I pretty much gave the same answer to everyone:
Helu played more snaps than Torain after Tim Hightower got hurt. But I'm not completely confident. Predicting Shanahan's running back use is like trying to figure out what women are thinking.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) - Previously: #24 - Great news, Jaguar fans - you drafted Christian Ponder!
Don't believe me? Here's proof:
If stinky Blaine Gabbert is on the Vikings, then Ponder surely must be a Jaguar.
I wonder what else is happening in this alternate universe. Perhaps Emmitt Smith is a master of the English language. Maybe Rosie O'Donnell is the hottest chick on the planet. And could it be that Matt Millen actually enjoys eating kielbasa instead of sticking it into the rear ends of "100-percent USDA Men?" Nah.
24. Denver Broncos (2-6) - Previously: #22 - John Fox told the media that he devised a special game plan for Tim Tebow against the Lions. However, Fox's play-calling absolutely blew, so I decided to call him for an interview to find out what happened.
Me: Hey John, thanks for joining me.
John Fox: Hehehehehe hahahahahaha hehehehehehe hahahahahaha.
Me: What's so funny?
John Fox: Soon my plan will come to fruition, and Tim Tebow will meet his demise! Muhahahahahahaha!
Me: His demise?
John Fox: Yes! My next game plan will look even more Tim Tebow-friendly on paper, but it will ultimately bring him to destruction! Buhahahahaha!
Me: What if he overcomes it like he did against the Dolphins?
John Fox: Impossible! But if such a thing were to happen, I will convince Lord Elway to trade away Tim Tebow's favorite receiver. He seemed to like throwing to Eric Decker. Perhaps we will ship Mister Decker off to the Jaguars for a 13th-round pick! Hehehehehehehehe hahahahahahahaha!
Me: Dude, why do you hate Tim Tebow so much? He's a good guy.
John Fox: Because no matter how many times I have asked for the phone number of that well-endowed woman he is photographed with on the Internets, he will not yield!
Me: I'm pretty sure that was a random girl who took a picture with him.
John Fox: You dare oppose me, fool!? Careful, else I shall devise a game plan to make you throw four interceptions! Muhahahahahahaha!
Me: But I don't even play football.
John Fox: Well then, in that case, I shall make everyone's beloved Tebow suffer even more! When I am done with him, he will no longer believe in his precious God! Aaaaaahahahahaha buuuahahahahahaha heeeeeheheheheheh haaaahahahahahahaha!
23. Tennessee Titans (4-3) - Previously: #26 - A victory over the Colts isn't going to persuade me to think that the Titans don't stink without Kenny Britt.
A word on the Panthers and Vikings, who are one and two spots above Tennessee, respectively. I loved what Cam Newton had to say this week regarding his team's record:
If I didn't have any turnovers, we would be undefeated right now.
I think that's awesome. A great leader takes all the blame on his shoulders even when he doesn't deserve it. If it weren't for Newton, Carolina would easily be the worst team in the NFL. The Panthers are going to be great once they assemble some talent around him.
I especially loved (no homo) what Newton said because I live in Philadelphia. I've had to listen to a sandy-vagged Donovan McNabb whine and cry for years. McNabb, beloved by the biased media for whatever reason, relentlessly bashed his teammates and blamed everyone but himself, saying stuff like, "The young guys have to step up," or "The offensive line needs to do a better job," or "We were out-coached today."
It really is a shame that Minnesota wasted six games with that overrated bum under center.
2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Giants (5-2). Previously: #15
12. Chicago Bears (4-3). Previously: #13
13. Houston Texans (5-3). Previously: #14
14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2). Previously: #18
15. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3). Previously: #19
16. San Diego Chargers (4-3). Previously: #11
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3). Previously: #16
18. Atlanta Falcons (4-3). Previously: #17
19. Dallas Cowboys (3-4). Previously: #12
20. Oakland Raiders (4-3). Previously: #21
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-6). Previously: #23
22. Carolina Panthers (2-6). Previously: #20
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