32. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Previously: #31 - The Cardinals have to be No. 32 after that disgraceful performance.
The Adventure of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask continues!
Anderson approached ESPN color commentator Jon Gruden after the game (and before his tirade):
Anderson: Hic... hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.
Gruden: You got it, Derek. By the way, I call you the apple picker because you throw a lot of picks.
Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn thazzzz nootttt cooolll hic! Izzz harrrd to thrrrow afturrrr drinkinnn.
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Gruden: I calll Kurtt Warrrner the dancerr cuzzz he danceseses.
Anderson: Whaaa bou Beannnnie?
Gruden: I calll Beannnie the beann cuzz hizz name Beannnie.
Anderson: Whaa bou Larry Fitzzzzgurld?
Gruden: I calll hic Fitzzzgurld the Ryannn Fitzzpatrick cuzzz they have the sammme nammme.
As you can see, Jon Gruden is the same drunk as he is sober, save for the slurring.
31. Carolina Panthers (1-10) - Previously: #32 - I found this Rotoworld report highly amusing:
Panthers beat writer Darin Gantt reports that Brian St. Pierre might not be able to throw in Week 12.
This is news? When has Brian St. Pierre ever been able to throw?
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9) - Previously: #30 - Lou B. and Joseph Y. both pointed out a quote from Gus Johnson the previous week:
"THE BILLS HAVE EXPLODED ALL OVER THE CINCINNATI BENGALS!!!!!"
Oh Gus, I love it when you talk dirty.
29. Detroit Lions (2-9) - Previously: #28 - Poor Alphonso Smith. If we lived in a more condemning society, he'd be forced to change his name to "Man Who Disgraced Himself on Thanksgiving." His kids would have to be called something like, "Alphonso Smith Jr., son of Man Who Disgraced Himself on Thanksgiving." His family would be shunned for seven generations.
So, maybe Smith's not so unfortunate that we forgive and forget.
28. Denver Broncos (3-8) - Previously: #27 - If you're going to cheat, make sure you win.
Let's do a quick recap of the Josh McDaniels era in Denver:
- Swapped Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler for Kyle Orton, Demaryius Thomas and Daniel Graham.
- Traded Peyton Hillis and two draft picks for Brady Quinn.
- Traded a first-round pick for nickel corner Alphonso Smith, who embarrassed himself on Thanksgiving.
- Traded a second-round pick for tight end Dick Quinn, who has ZERO receptions this year.
- Signed defensive lineman Jarvis Green to four years, $20 million; $7 million guaranteed this past offseason. Green is no longer with the team.
- Drafted Demaryius Thomas over Dez Bryant.
- Proclaimed, "Looks like the people in this building were a lot smarter than everyone else" when he was 6-0 last year. He's 5-16 since.
- Illegally videotaped a 49ers walkthrough, only to lose to the 49ers hours later.
- Created world hunger.
- Destroyed all hope in Denver.
27. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Previously: #29 - Poor Bills. They could have beaten the Steelers three different times in overtime, but just couldn't do it. The Steve Johnson drop was the worst.
That night, Tom Jackson had the following advice for Johnson: "Sleep with a football. When I played, I slept with a football."
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7) - Previously: #26 - Here are my thoughts on the 49ers-Cardinals game:
1. First and foremost, Frank Gore is out for the year with a fractured hip, per Jason La Canfora.
2. I'd like to use the term "game" loosely here. The 49ers completely humiliated the Cardinals. They did whatever they wanted to do on offense, pushing Arizona's disinterested defensive line around. San Francisco had more rushing yards (261) than Arizona had total yardage (203) - and Gore barely even played!
Gore (5-52) injured his hip in the first quarter. Brian Westbrook stepped in, and rushed for 136 yards and a touchdown on 23 carries. Westbrook looked solid, but it was more of his offensive line blasting open huge holes for him.
3. Troy Smith, who went 11-of-23, 129 yards, one touchdown and an interception that wasn't his fault (Michael Crabtree had the ball bounce out of his hands.) Smith had a pretty inconsistent game. I thought he made some nice throws, but he also missed some wide-open receivers. He's fortunate that the Cardinals didn't show up.
4. Derek Anderson went 16-of-35 for 196 yards and a horrible interception. Anderson was truly awful, as he should have tossed several more picks.
Down 18, the camera panned to Anderson and guard Deuce Lutui, who were laughing about something on the bench. After the game, a reporter asked Anderson what he was laughing about. Anderson lashed out at the reporter, yelled something about "putting his heart and soul into this s*** and I sometimes don't even drink as much as I want to!" and stormed off the podium.
As this happened, I tweeted (@walterfootball), "No surprise that Derek Anderson lashed out at that reporter. His magic flask was empty, and he was very angry at the moment." It's also possible that Anderson doesn't remember laughing because he was super drunk at the time.
In all seriousness, there's no reason Anderson should be starting anymore. In fact, I would cut him immediately. I'd like to see John Skelton going forward.
5. Anderson wasn't the only one who screwed up on offense. Chris Wells fumbled the opening carry, setting up the 49ers with a short field and their first touchdown. Wells gained 13 yards on five rushes. Tim Hightower had zero yards on five attempts.
6. At one point, it seemed like this game would never end. There were five penalties during the first two drives of the second half. At one point, I yelled at the TV, "Can they get a f***ing snap off!?"
25. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Previously: #23 - Rusty Smith put on the worst quarterbacking performance I've ever seen. Even Derek Anderson was better on Monday night.
Of course, this was to be expected. How can a guy named Rusty be any good? If his parents named him Awesome Smith, I guarantee that he would be the best quarterback ever.
24. Seattle Seahawks (5-6) - Previously: #20 - I never thought I'd say this about any team, but the Seahawks need Mike Williams back in the lineup to have any sort of chance.
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "packers aretaking this game itll be a good game but thier gongi to give matt ryan his second loss athome"
See, Falcons fans? The Packers +2 pick wasn't that bad. Just look at this great analysis!
2. "GO BUCC SHOW DEM RAVENS THAT THERE DUCKS LOLS"
3. "ITS NOT OVER LIONS CA STILL DO IT DOWN WITH SNATCHEZ"
It must be tough to type stuff while having a brain hemorrhage.
23. Washington Redskins (5-6) - Previously: #21 - Washington takes Minnesota's spot in the Bottom 10. It makes you wonder why they didn't fire Brad Childress earlier.
Speaking of crappy coaches, I sat down to interview Josh McDaniels about the Spygate II scandal:
ME: Hey Josh, thanks for joining me.
MCDANIELS: "I'm sure you'll remember this moment for all of eternity."
ME: Umm... sure. OK, I have to ask...
MCDANIELS: "Vince, you've got to tell me. What's the real story behind what happened after the Redskins game?"
ME: Wait, what?
MCDANIELS: "Nothing. Go ahead."
ME: All right... Do you...
MCDANIELS: "Do you think you can co-exist with Jeff Fisher going forward?"
ME: These questions sound really familiar. I can't put my finger on it... Why do you keep interrupting me anyway?
MCDANIELS: "Because I'm Josh McDaniels and I can do whateva I want!"
ME: Whatever. OK, I want to ask this question: Do you...
MCDANIELS: "Do you think you can co-exist with Jeff Fisher going forward?"
ME: That's it! I demand you tell me what's going on here.
MCDANIELS: "Fine. I'll admit it. I videotaped your interview with Vince Young last week, so I was trying to guess which questions you were going to ask me."
ME: Dude, that makes no sense. Why would I ask you the same questions I asked Vince Young?
MCDANIELS: "Because... because... umm... because I'm Josh McDaniels, and I do whateva I want!"
2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Giants (7-4). Previously: #10
12. Chicago Bears (8-3). Previously: #13
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4). Previously: #12
14. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4). Previously: #19
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5). Previously: #14
16. Houston Texans (5-6). Previously: #15
17. Miami Dolphins (6-5). Previously: #17
18. Dallas Cowboys (4-7). Previously: #22
19. St. Louis Rams (5-6). Previously: #25
20. Minnesota Vikings (4-7). Previously: #24
21. Cleveland Browns (4-7). Previously: #16
22. Oakland Raiders (5-6). Previously: #18