Reader Mock by pinballer3



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All Things Considered
Published at 4/2/2017 10:55:26 PM

I'd rather be in Philadelphia (for the Draft). So I've studied the arc of the sun, the gravitational pull of the moon, the meaning of the words "polar vortex", and here's what I've got for April Fools Day (aka - the NFL Draft, Round One). For a break from your serious X's and O's, read on...

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Round 1

1. Browns: Myles Garrett, Defensive End, Texas A&M

What can I say that hasn't been said before? What can I say that hasn't been said before? (Whoops) Garrett is the first defensive avatar output by the computer algorithm that the Browns are modeling for Madden NFL 24. Hope it turns out better than Westworld!


2. 49ers: Solomon Thomas, Defensive End, Stanford

The Niners could go in any direction and each of them would be better than the road they were on. With new visionaries AND two quarterbacks now loaded into the magic bus, the 50th anniversary of the Summer of Love is rolling down Asbury St. Dude with two first names just gives me a rush, and the new 4-3 says you gotta start there. Solomon plays End on early downs and Thomas can kick inside on passing downs. Smoking!


3. Bears: Jamal Adams, Strong Safety, LSU

Prior to the Combine, Jonathan Allen was a perfect fit for the Bears, but afterwards, one wonders if he can shoulder the load? Long story short, its not the double surgeries or the moderate arthritis or the mediocre combine results or the fact that he's shorter and lighter than we thought. Err, actually, yes it is - all that. The Bears need El Capitan to forge an identity on defense, along with significant evolution in the secondary. Adams leads the full revolt. The Cutler mistake is firmly in the rear view mirror.


4. Jaguars: Leonard Fournette, Running Back, LSU

Coughlin wants toughness, and I've seen Fournette swat away defenders without breaking stride. Yeldon was a questionable choice from the gitgo, so following the model established in Houston, let's just move on by dumping our second round pick. If you want to reduce the INTs in JINTsonville, hand the ball off more often and play good defense. Coughlin is so old school, but so is winning!


5. Titans: Marshon Lattimore, Cornerback, Ohio State

You can never have enough corners. Although it's confusing because historically, Eight was Enough, but then in college basketball four corners were too many so they got rid of them. So let's settle on this, you need three starters in the nickel package. Looking at the DB roster post-Logan Ryan, I see two; ergo, we need one more. PS- I also see one that's over-priced and likely a cap casualty in the making.


6. Jets: Malik Hooker, Free Safety, Ohio State

With the signing of Josh McCown and anticipated rolling of the dice on the development of Hack-a-Shaq and The Bryce is Right, the Jets are firmly leading in the "Suck for Sam" sweepstakes. Not even Jay Cutler's butt could bail them out now. If your plan was to move a washed up Revis to Safety because Pryor was so bad, and then you cut Revis, you still need a plan. Hooker is Uber-talented so let's download the app and hope his sutured parts arrive with no malware (insert Safety joke here).


7. Chargers: Jonathan Allen, Defensive Tackle, Alabama

Hooker has been mocked to LAC in so many drafts that my keyboard is malfunc?xx!!qrtzing as I type this. Forget (and forgive) all those things I said about Allen in a 3-4 defense, he's a perfect match for a team switching to a 4-3 and in need of a disruptive 3-tech DT. In fact, the Chargers will be getting the steal of the draft, since the early tape said he was a top-3 pick. Best Player Available strategy.


8. Panthers: O.J. Howard, Tight End, Alabama

The Panthers want to return to the power running game to reduce the wear and tear on Superman (begs the question on the Superman designation, but whatever). Thus, it would behoove them to run more 2-TE sets where both receivers can challenge downfield as well as block. Ted Ginn was kryptonite to this strategy. Drafting OJ is thinking outside the box, so I am glad I thought of it first and shared with you. Now for an encore, let's draft D'onta Foreman.


9. Bengals: Reuben Foster, Inside Linebacker, Alabama

F'ing signed Kevin Minter? That's all you got? Did you bother to ask the Cardinals about him first? How slow was Rey Maualuga anyway? Minter has no second gear so it must have been real slow, like painfully slow, almost stopped really. Well, I'll give you credit, it's a one year prove-it deal, so no long term harm done. In Cincy, they don't care about fighting with male nurses. Just ask (don't call me) Pacman, he's known to partake in the occasional melee'.


10. Bills: Mike Williams, Wide Receiver, Clemson

Now that the whole Tyrod mess is settled, and who couldn't get enough of that, let's just move on. Sammy needs a Dean. His bro from college fits the Bills. Have you seen this guy high-pointing footballs? It's Supernatural! As a former short DB, it scares the Bejesus out of me. So, I'm better now with those demons gone. Let's go catch some bad guys (like the Patriots)!


11. Saints: Derek Barnett, Defensive End, Tennessee

The dominoes are falling perfectly for Derek. Nobody said he was a top-10 pick, so 11 is about as good as it gets. His skills against SEC competition should hold form in the NFC South, given the similar geography and all. The Saints are in win-now mode due to Drew's age, which according to Tom Brady indicates that he only has 5-7 years left. If true, why wouldn't Belichick trade Garropolo? Is he foreseeing/forecasting Tom's swan song? He wouldn't do that to a trusted and valuable veteran would he (wink-wink)?


12. Browns: Mitch Trubisky, Quarterback, North Carolina

So, if Belichick trades Garropolo to the Browns during the draft, stick a pin in this pick, and this mock draft in general. The Patriots will trade it down, and screw up my whole plan. So let's just hope that Bill will not trade Garropolo (another wink-wink) and the Browns do get their native son. Osweiler already needs a backup gig and a clipboard. Has anybody seen that one from Denver that had his name on it?


13. Cardinals: Gareon Conley, Cornerback, Ohio State

The Cardinals need a quarterback of the future, but they need a cornerback of the present. Conley proved at the Combine that he got game, and a second fiddler he is not. I've seen him mocked as high as 10-11 and as low as late first/early second, so the opinions are varied, however the talent is real. Or, it could be that the late pick mock drafters are too lazy, pre-occupied or stubborn to adjust to the new reality. Kind of like that team in Washington with the tagged QB and the bagged GM.


14. Eagles: Marlon Humphrey, Cornerback, Alabama

Lucky for me, there are 2 quality cornerbacks who have been mocked anywhere from here to infinity, and there are two teams back-to-back that desperately need corners prior to infinity running out. So I am either going to look really smart by placing these guys at 13/14, or else naively optimistic. ALMOST everyone can wait on value to fall to them in this DB field, but I don't think these guys can.


15. Colts: Cam Robinson, Offensive Tackle, Alabama

This will be an unpopular pick everywhere but in the owner's box. If I am the new GM and the last one failed to protect the franchise's biggest asset, then I am going to address that first. We could quibble over Ramczyk and/or Bolles being better choices here, but no one is better horseshoed into a Right Tackle role than Cam. He's a proven ringer, not a one year "I wonder where this guy's been for the past 3 years" wonder? Lamp was also a consideration. Mayock says move Cam from Left Tackle to Guard while most everyone else says move him to Right Tackle although some say he can play Left, but if they are all correct then Cam is really versatile, a valuable trait. So who needs Forrest, a Left Tackle who can't play Left or Right and has to play Guard or nothing. This is some Weird "draft" Science.


16. Ravens: Corey Davis, Wide Receiver, Western Michigan

Steve Smith Sr. is retired, and the rest of this crew runs fast, catches few. Let's set up the Delaware guy throwing to the Western Michigan guy and see if we can disprove the storyline/theory that Ozzie has an affinity for Alabama alumni. Or, we can just draft Tim Williams and save time.


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