Jerks of the Week - Aug. 13, 2012
Jerks of the Week for Aug. 13, 2012
JERK OF THE YEAR: The Olympics
If you're friends with me on Facebook, you may know that my birthday party was last Friday night. I announced, "Birthday party at my house tonight! If you're reading this, you're invited!"
Some of the more interesting responses to this:
1. From Robert Cobb: Happy Birthday my man, keep up the great work on walterfootball.com, how old are you now?
I'm 30. I'm old. My back hurts. My knees are failing. I can't see out of my left eye. I'm fat. I'm slow. And I have a sudden urge to play bingo and attend 4 p.m. early-bird specials. Outside of that, I'm doing great.
2. From Matheus T: How long would take to go from Rio de Janeiro to Philadelphia?
I tried Google Maps, Mapquest, Yahoo Maps and Bing Maps. All gave me the same answer: "We can't find a driving route for the locations you entered. Check the locations you entered, and try again."
Sorry Matheus, but there is no possible way to get from Rio de Janeiro (wherever the hell that may be) to Philadelphia. Sucks you couldn't come to the party.
3. From Kyle M: Happy birthday! You paid for my daughters braces!
This made me happy because I always assumed that people who win money with my picks use their cash on hookers and coke. But this opens up new possibilities. If someone ever e-mails or Facebooks me saying, "You paid for my wife's boob job!" I'll know that I made a real, positive impact in this world.
4. From Abhishek P: happy birthday walt... I live in Canada so I can't be there... sorry :(
That's OK because I didn't serve any butterscotch pudding at the party. As we all know, Canadians can't have fun if there's no butterscotch pudding to dip your hands.
5. From Hannes W: Just looking for a flight from Austria to the USA. ;) Happy birthday, Walt!
It sucks Hannes didn't make it. I like having people from the Land Down Under at my parties.
As for the party itself, it was solid. I had fun, but I was annoyed that there were numerous no-shows - and it wasn't just random people; three of my best friends didn't come. Both of my oldest childhood friends couldn't make it. Two of my best high school buddies were absent. My college roommate? Nope. Even my girlfriend was MIA, though she had a legitimate excuse.
As for other people's excuses? Not so much. Here were some horrible reasons my guests provided:
1. "I thought it was tomorrow night."
Two of my friends said this to me. I'll forgive one of them, but the other, an angry Asian man, has been to enough of my parties to know that I always host them on Friday night.
This is the oldest trick in the book. In fact, Larry David did this on Season 6, Episode 1 of Curb Your Enthusiam - only the angry Asian man perfected it by contacting me that very night instead of showing up to my house on Saturday evening.
It's also worth noting that the angry Asian man offered to hang out with me on Saturday, but I told him the following day would be better for me and that I'd call him back. I never did.
2. "I'm sick."
No one will question this. You can't because then you sound like a dick. The only appropriate response is, "That sucks, I hope you feel better."
It is shady though, especially when two of the three people who said they were sick told me that they were coming the day of. Oh, and if they were sick, who cares? They still could have showed up. I mean, maybe that would have made them sicker, but that's irrelevant. The most important thing is that they missed my birthday party. They're extremely selfish and I will never forgive them.
3. "I ate bad fruit salad."
Josh, my best friend of 25 years, had this bizarre excuse. Who the hell eats fruit salad, let alone bad fruit salad?, I wondered when he texted me. I didn't answer him because he often comes up with lame reasons to get out of things, but then he sent me another text:
"I've been pooping all night. You can even ask this girl I'm dating Dawn if I'm lying or not."
Then, 15 minutes later:
"I'm going pooping again. Uch."
So, Josh is either full of s**t or full s**t. How would I know which one? Did he expect me to actually contact this enigmatic Dawn person? How would that conversation have gone?
Me: Hi, is this the Dawn who's dating Josh right now?
Dawn: Yes, why?
Me: Was Josh pooping all Friday night?
Me: Did Josh have diarrhea pouring out of his anus all Friday night because of some bad fruit salad that he ate?
Dawn: Who is this? Wait, I don't care. I'm calling the cops because you're asking me these horrifying questions. You'll be taken to jail where you'll be raped by fat men named Bubba.
I decided not to call Dawn.
4. "I'm going crabbing."
My friend Body Burner told me this. I'll give him credit for coming up with a unique excuse, but I'm not buying it. My party went on from 8 p.m. until about 4 a.m. According to my nifty Windows calculator, that's eight hours. If Body Burner really went crabbing at, let's say 9 p.m., then he would have been done at 11, perhaps 11:30. No way he was still doing it at midnight. I'm a huge fan of Red Lobster, but even I have never been there for three hours.
I've exposed Body Burner as a liar, so does that mean he's a Jerk of the Week for the third time? No, but only because I have bigger fish to fry.
What sort of fish? Well, the Olympics, of course. I hate the Olympics, as you may remember from my Jerks of the Week entry about the Winter Olympics that I posted 2-and-a-half years ago.
As a recap, the Olympics especially anger me because they cancel and/or postpone good TV shows. That's not as much of an issue in the summer, but TNT's Falling Skies was off the air for one week, which did not sit well with me. Something else that didn't is that the people at my party wanted to have the Olympics on TV instead of the Phillies game. In other words, they thought insignificant sports that occur once every four years is more important than a regular-season baseball game? How stupid is that?
Oh, and they definitely are insignificant "sports." For example, walking is in the Summer Olympics. Walking! Everyone walks. What's to stop anyone from walking in the Olympics? And then there's the trampoline. Trampolines are fun, but anyone can jump up and down on a trampoline. Well, almost anyone. Paraplegics can't do that. They can't walk either. This means that the Olympics discriminates against paraplegics. The people who run the Olympics are obviously racist against those who can't walk, and if you watch the Olympics, you are too.
The Olympics are boring anyway. Who wants to watch swimming? I swam competitively up until I was 22 years old, and I fall asleep if it's on the TV. The communists who run NBC apparently agree with me; the women's 800-meter freestyle was airing during my party, and I witnessed NBC cutting away to a commercial break during the middle of the race.
Can you imagine this happening during a football game? I can imagine Al Michaels going, "And Eli Manning drops back to pass. He's looking... he's got Victor Cruz deep. He fires the ball and... we'll be back after a word from our sponsors!"
Another thing I don't get about the Olympics is why people even care. Seriously, if you're an American, why do you care if you have the fastest swimmer in the world? Why is that significant? Does having the faster swimmers prove that America is better than other countries? If Nigeria captures a gold medal in trampoline, would it finally be able to feed many of its hungry citizens? If North Korea has the best gymnasts, does that excuse the people in their government for being giant a**holes?
Also, why can't people root for other countries instead of their own? If you're an American, why do you have to root for America? We're basically the New York Yankees of international sporting events. Why not root for an underdog like Tunisia or Madagascar? People here do it for football, basketball and baseball teams - which would explain why people used to root for the Clippers - so why can't an American-bored citizen go against the grain and declare, "I'm rooting against USA in the Olympics because I'm a life-long Tunisia fan?"
It's all really stupid. I say that if all the countries want to get together and have a competition, it should be about scientific stuff. They could battle each other to see who can create the best invention to benefit mankind. Perhaps these Olympics would lead to a cancer cure or risk-free fat reducers. If the Olympics allowed me to swim freely at my old gym without the threat of fat ladies eating me, I'd be all for it.
Unfortunately, no one listens to me, so that's never going to happen. Our best chance to improve the Olympics is to make all of the "sports" apply to everyday life. Here is how I would upgrade each "sport:"
Running: Sprinters like that Thunder Bolt guy are just competing against each other. I feel like we need to introduce a new element into the equation.
My proposal is to have lions, tigers and zombies chase the sprinters. Why? Because it'll prove that the country that has the fastest runners has the best chance of surviving in the likely event that all of the lions and tigers escape from the zoo.
Zombies are even more applicable. Think about it - if there's suddenly a zombie apocalypse, wouldn't you want to know where you'd be safest? Well, it wouldn't be where Bolt is from. You'd want to venture toward the country with the slowest runners. Thus, the first country to get devoured by zombies is where you want to go because you'll probably be able to outrun everyone and last the longest.
Swimming: The same thing applies to swimming. Why should Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte only compete against each other?
If I were in charge of the Olympics, I would dump sharks, sting rays and zombie dolphins into the pool. Phelps, Lochte and the other people would then have to swim away from them. Again, if sharks and sting rays escape from the zoo, you'll want to swim toward the slowest country.
And please don't be na´ve and dismiss a zombie dolphin apocalypse. I presented this theory to people at my party and they all laughed at me. When zombie dolphins take over the world, remember that I warned you all. I'm prepared for the zombie apocalypse, and you should be too.
Synchronized Swimming: I'd destroy anyone who tries this because it's stupid.
Trampoline: Like I said, anyone but those poor paraplegics can jump on trampolines. I say it's high time to make it more of a challenge.
There's a simple way to improve trampoline jumping - have people on the side of the trampoline shoot poisonous darts at the contestants. The person who wins the gold medal will be the last one who isn't poisoned.
Now, you might be thinking, "Walt, you actually want people to die via poison in the Olympics?" Umm... no, I'm not barbaric. There can be doctors standing there with med kits waiting to cure those who are poisoned. I mean, maybe they won't be able to cure some of the athletes in time, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Diving: I was pretty angry about diving in my inebriated state late during the party. I drunkenly texted the following to Awesome Girl Who Loves Football:
"I think diving is such a bullsit sport i think anyone can do it so i can be an olympic athlete right now i think I'm going to dive off my deck. I feel like I could do the same dives tibet thougrf people em. I mean do. I can do the dives."
I'm sober now, but I stand by that statement. Anyone can dive and do twists in the air. That's no sort of challenge. A better way of doing it is having the divers soar through rings of fire and electricity. Oh, and the pool they're diving into should be filled with zombie dolphins so that the divers have to get out right away.
Walking: I'd have zombies walk after the walkers. This is too easy, so let's move on.
Archery: This is pretty straightforward. You know the zombies and zombie dolphins I discussed earlier? Well, give the archers some fire arrows to dispose of them. As Emmitt Smith would say, "You killin' two stone with one bird."
Soccer: There is no soccer in the Olympics, so let's just keep it that way.
Gymnastics: Eliminate male gymnastics, first of all. As for female gymnastics, I think it would be great if they made it into strip gymnastics or perhaps even lesbian orgy mud wrestling gymnastics (for the gymnasts who are 18 and over, of course). No doubt NBC's ratings would soar.
Shot-put: Now, this may cause some controversy. If you don't know what shot-put is, it's where some people throw a stone ball and then they measure it to see who heaved it the farthest.
Stone balls are boring. I think the shot-putters should have to launch bombs at the competitors from other countries.
I know, I know. Bombs could blow people up if they hit them. That's just a risk I'm willing to take so we can find out which people can fling bombs the farthest. Once we discover who those people are, America and other power nations can bid on them to join their military. The powerful nations can then use those bomb-throwers to destroy terrorism.
Medals: Everyone talks about gold, silver and bronze. I think fourth place should be the chocolate medal. Everyone loves chocolate.
Now, I know what you're thinking right now: "The only issue is that people will tank intentionally so they can get fourth place and eat the chocolate." See, that just proves you haven't been paying attention. People who lose will be eaten by zombies or torched by fire rings or poisoned by darts or blown up by bombs. Thus, the chocolate would serve as a sweet consolation prize to the person who was fortunate enough to win fourth place and still be alive.
I know that many people will find my ideas to be extreme. But aren't the best ideas extreme? Introducing zombies and other hazards into the Olympics may put the athletes at risk, but if all goes according to plan, we will be better prepared for a zombie apocalypse, all while destroying terrorism by finding the best bomb-throwers.
It should be clear by now that if all of the countries can't agree that my ideas are awesome and should be put into place immediately, then they will never be able to agree on anything.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 22
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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