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Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012




Jerks of the Week for May 7, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Internet Idiots

There have always been many stupid people in the world, but we just haven't been aware of them. With the Internet allowing everyone to voice their opinion, we're constantly being introduced to these idiots. And it's wonderful.

It's wonderful for me, anyway. I occasionally like to do a segment on here called Facebook morons, where I make fun of stupid quotes I find on Facebook. Here are some examples from my previous version:

Im bout to go HAM!!! cause I feels as tho y'all n***a light CHEESE!!!!

Every gurl is beautiful but not every gurl cute

whats the rap s ong things it s like and every thing i do reminds me of u ? u playd it in ur car today ?

I'm devoting this Jerks of the Week entry to Internet Idiots, but I'm not going to limit myself to Facebook morons. In fact, I'd like to begin my Internet Idiots entry with someone featured on ESPN - and no, it's not Emmitt Smith.


1. Woody Paige:

I'm a buffoon. A self-proclaimed draft guru. I'm a mushroom, and I sit in dark dankness. I am WalterFootball.com.

That's how Woody Paige sees me anyway. Woody, for those of you who don't know, is a columnist for the Denver Post and a panelist on ESPN's Around the Horn. Paige comes off as a crazy, drunken uncle type, as seen here when he hosted Around the Horn on April Fools' Day in 2009. And like most drunken uncles, Woody was accused of sexually harassing a makeup artist on ESPN's Cold Pizza. He left the show soon after, citing medical reasons.

I've written countless times that it's one of my life goals to be raped by a hot chick, or maybe even an average-looking woman. However, there are rules against men harassing women - something that ESPN employees can't seem to comprehend for some reason. I imagine that it's especially disgusting for females when a guy who looks like he's in his mid-70s does it (I honestly thought Woody was about 75, but Wikipedia says he's 66).

The aptly named Woody recently wrote a column in the Denver Post about the NFL Draft. Or at least that's what I think it was about. He cited that a "self-proclaimed Internet draft expert" slotted 11 different players to the Broncos in his mock draft. The list he had come straight from my mock draft history page that I released one day prior to his article being published. You can read it here.

If you managed to read through the whole thing, I congratulate you. I got completely lost when Woody went off on a strange tangent and began talking about Brian Dawkins and Tim Tebow. I imagine that's what my writing will be like in 50 years. I'll begin a Jerks of the Week column writing about the fat women at the pool and end it with yet another failed attempt to game the hot redheaded chick at Wawa. Oh wait, I do that already.

Anyway, I e-mailed Woody about the column. Here's an excerpt of my message:

One of my readers alerted me about the article you published today (the draft being a guessing game). I have to say that I got a big kick out of the insults. You and the other Around the Horn panelists are one of the reasons I got into sports writing about eight years ago, and I never imagined back then that I would eventually get called out by Woody Paige. I have to say, it's pretty awesome.

While you were correct in calling me a buffoon, I was upset that you think that I am a "self-proclaimed guru." Never once have I said anything like that. If I did (or hinted at it), I'd like for you to point out where I did so, so I can explain myself to all of my readers because I am definitely not any sort of expert or guru. I create mock drafts for my Web site because A) I love doing it, B) my readers love mock drafts and C) it pays the mortgage.


I also told him I was upset that he didn't mention me or my Web site by name. Seriously, would it have killed him to put in a couple of extra words? A link to my site in the Denver Post would have been great, even if the article called me a buffoon and compared me to a mushroom.

Also, I don't know how to feel about the mushroom comment. On one hand, saving that mushroom from Bowser in Super Mario Bros. is one of the proudest moments in my life. On the other hand, the mushroom from Super Mario Bros. 2 completely sucked as a character. He was small and couldn't jump very high. All he could do was pick up things quickly, but who cares about that? He was an epic fail, and I hope I'm better than him. Oh, and mushrooms on pizzas are terrible.

Woody did not e-mail me back. I suppose he was too busy buying adult diapers or slapping some hot 25-year-old chick's butt, so it's understandable. I did, however, receive an e-mail from someone else who told me that Woody criticized his Web site. Woody once said this of the founder of BroncoTalk.com:

"Some kid in Arizona who is a Broncos fan and writes a blog, without proper grammar or punctuation or understanding, from his mom's laundry room and think (sic) he knows what he's talking about, and (sic) people actually pay attention."

Woody is a fun guy on TV, but I don't think he should be talking about proper grammar, punctuation or understanding. There are two grammatical errors in that passage alone, and as far as understanding goes, well, transitioning from the NFL Draft to Brian Dawkins and Tim Tebow is something that would originate from a mushy-minded man who belongs in a nursing home.

There has to be a reason why Woody hates Internet people so much. I've come up with four ideas. Here they are, from least likely to most likely:

Least Likely: Woody has seen too many co-workers and friends lose their job to the booming Internet journalism industry. Muhahahaha!

Somewhat Likely: Woody once tried buying adult diapers on eBay, but made the mistake of purchasing them from a vendor with a rating in the single digits. Woody lost his $19.99, and as a result of being scorned from this awful experience, he has vowed to take revenge on everyone who makes their living on the Internet.

Very Likely: Making fun of Internet writers will help impress the hot, 25-year-old makeup artists. Hmm... maybe I should try this tactic. Perhaps this is the secret to being raped by a hot chick, or even an average-looking woman.

Most Likely: Woody, as you may imagine, takes Viagra, which helps him harass women at work. Unfortunately, Viagra has a horrible side effect - it turns him off to Internet bloggers and writers. They repulse him. Don't believe me? Listen carefully to a Viagra commercial the next time you hear one. It goes something like this: "Side effects include nausea, diarrhea and death. If you have an erection for more than four hours, see a doctor. If you suddenly develop an inexplicable disdain for Internet writers, do not worry, for this happens in 90 percent of users."

I feel much better now. If Woody ever gets bored of harassing 25-year-old makeup artists, he'll stop taking Viagra, and once he does that, he'll like me again. And maybe then he'll actually put a link to my site in his next confusing column.







2. MC Spammer:

I love answering spam mail. These morons try to con innocent people, so I feel like someone has to con them back. For instance, a spammer trying to make me believe that I won a free ATM card actually bought that my name was Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, and that I was raised by wolves in Alaska in a place called "Wolf Village." He asked for an ID, so I gave him this:



This guy continued to e-mail me, but stopped once I threatened to have my wolf pack destroy his place of business, the "United Bank of Afrocan," because he charged me a fee for the ATM card.

My latest spam venture is an exchange I'm currently having with someone who calls himself/herself "MC." I received the following e-mail on April 12:

You've won �375,000

Quick and to the point. I had to respond right away:

OMG OMG OMG OMG I JUST BRAGED TO ALL MY FREINDS THAT I WON 375 000 THOUSAND DOLLARS OMG OMG IM GONA BUY A WARTER SLIDE!

You'd think that MC Spammer would move on to a more naive person, but no. He/she sent me another similar e-mail with an attachment that I wasn't going to open. Instead, I sent over another reply:

WHEN DO I GET MY MONEYYY I ALREADY SPEND IT ON A WARTER SLIDE!?!?!

Would this turn off MC Spammer? Of course not, because spammers are idiots. Here's an excerpt from the next e-mail:

Congratulation: Microsoft User,

The prestigious Microsoft Team happily congratulates you as one of our TEN (10) STAR PRIZE WINNER in this New Year email award organized by Microsoft � conjunction with Microsoft Corporation.

Your Email Address was attached to Batch Number: R3/A312-59 with Winning No: GPA/7642/17279/2012 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of �375,000.00 GBP.

You are required to fill the Claims Verification Form below to the Claims Department of Microsoft for the processing and delivery of your award prize to you. You are to fill the verification form CORRECTLY with your valid information to enable this office verify and process your winning prize to you without error.

CLAIMS/PAYMENT VERIFICATION FORM:

1. Your Full Name:
2. Your Full Address:
3. Your Age:
4. Your country:
5. Your Country of resident:
6. Your City:
7. Your Occupation:
8. Sex:
9. Marital Status:
10.Your Mobile Number:
11. Alternate Mobile Number:
12. Scan copy of your identity:


This was sent on April 18. Unfortunately, I had to deal with the 2012 NFL Draft, so I couldn't check my e-mail until afterward. I finally responded on May 1:

CLAIMS/PAYMENT VERIFICATION FORM:

1. Your Full Name: RUFAHI YAHAHA
2. Your Full Address: 123 FAKE STREET, GHANA CITY, GAHANA 90210
3. Your Age: 27
4. Your country: GHANA
5. Your Country of resident: GHANA
6. Your City: GHANA CITY
7. Your Occupation: ELECTRICAL COMMISSION
8. Sex: FAMAIL
9. Marital Status: SINGLE TEEHEE
10.Your Mobile Number: 867-5309
11. Alternate Mobile Number: 867-5308
12. Scan copy of your identity: ATTACH IN EMALE




I have not heard back from MC Spammer yet, but it's still early. If anything, I can e-mail him/her again and threaten to destroy his/her office by hiring Mister Compassion Chuck Norris and his band of wolves.





3. Hate Mailers:

I get tons of spam mail, more than most people because my e-mail address is available on my Web site. I naturally get hate mail as well. You can read some old versions by clicking the link.

I'd like to discuss two recent pieces of hate mail in particular. I received one about a month ago, but I've been saving it for the appropriate Jerks of the Week entry. This Miami Dolphin fan and I were arguing about something. He used some ad hominem against me (an attack on me to prove that I was wrong about the argument), so I said, "A little Ad hominem there? Nice. A psychologist would dissect you in a second." He replied:

A seventh grader would dissect you. Kiss your boyfriend and go to sleep.

That was the catalyst to one of the most bizarre e-mail exchanges of all time.

From me:



From him:



Oh, OK, a religious nutjob. The perfect strategy for beating them in an argument is using their own religious fallacies and hypocrisies against them. Here's what I wrote back:

Since you're quoting the Bible, doesn't Christianity believe that you shouldn't judge others? Even if being gay is wrong, it's not your place to judge. Only God can do that. Your religion, bro. Guess you won't be "inheriting God's kingdom" either, meaning you'll have some gay roommates in Hell.

Uh oh...



A religious nutjob indeed. So, being gay is just as bad as killing multiple people? So, Elton John is just as bad as Osama bin Laden or Ted Bundy?



I sensed more religious mumbo jumbo was coming, and I was right:



I've had enough of this self-righteous idiot. It was time to go for the knockout:



I did not receive a response from this homophobe again. No doubt he booked a flight to San Francisco to ask gays whether it's best to be a top or bottom, given that he'll be spending his afterlife in Hell, getting banged by dudes for all eternity. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The second notable piece of hate mail came immediately after the 2012 NFL Draft from someone who was upset that I gave the Bengals a B grade - because B, apparently, stands for Bad:



"Incompetant" and and complete hack? Two ands!? He must think I'm an unbelievably complete hack to warrant two ands.

I had to reply to this dufus:



It's true. There's nothing more ironic than saying, "your an idiot" or "your incompetent." You're just making yourself look dumb. This is a public service announcement to all hate mailers.

This guy replied again. It's too long to show you, but here is part of what he wrote after saying that he's not here to discuss spelling:



This guy has just a lot of negativity in his life to hate on someone he doesn't even know. Trust me, from dealing with hate mailers for 12-plus years, I can read them rather easily. So, it was time to go for the knockout:



Indeed - anyone who is this angry on the Internet can't get laid, plain and simple. And with that, I discovered the answer to my previous question - why Woody is so venomous in his Denver Post columns toward Internet writers. Poor Woody, those hot makeup artists are just too young for you. Perhaps slapping a 50-year-old woman's butt will prove to be more lucrative.

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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




Fantasy Football Rankings - July 24


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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