There have always been many stupid people in the world, but we just haven't been aware of them. With the Internet allowing everyone to voice their opinion, we're constantly being introduced to these idiots. And it's wonderful.
It's wonderful for me, anyway. I occasionally like to do a segment on here called Facebook morons, where I make fun of stupid quotes I find on Facebook. Here are some examples from my previous version:
Im bout to go HAM!!! cause I feels as tho y'all n***a light CHEESE!!!!
Every gurl is beautiful but not every gurl cute
whats the rap s ong things it s like and every thing i do reminds me of u ? u playd it in ur car today ?
I'm devoting this Jerks of the Week entry to Internet Idiots, but I'm not going to limit myself to Facebook morons. In fact, I'd like to begin my Internet Idiots entry with someone featured on ESPN - and no, it's not Emmitt Smith.
1. Woody Paige:
I'm a buffoon. A self-proclaimed draft guru. I'm a mushroom, and I sit in dark dankness. I am WalterFootball.com.
That's how Woody Paige sees me anyway. Woody, for those of you who don't know, is a columnist for the Denver Post and a panelist on ESPN's Around the Horn. Paige comes off as a crazy, drunken uncle type, as seen here when he hosted Around the Horn on April Fools' Day in 2009. And like most drunken uncles, Woody was accused of sexually harassing a makeup artist on ESPN's Cold Pizza. He left the show soon after, citing medical reasons.
I've written countless times that it's one of my life goals to be raped by a hot chick, or maybe even an average-looking woman. However, there are rules against men harassing women - something that ESPN employees can't seem to comprehend for some reason. I imagine that it's especially disgusting for females when a guy who looks like he's in his mid-70s does it (I honestly thought Woody was about 75, but Wikipedia says he's 66).
The aptly named Woody recently wrote a column in the Denver Post about the NFL Draft. Or at least that's what I think it was about. He cited that a "self-proclaimed Internet draft expert" slotted 11 different players to the Broncos in his mock draft. The list he had come straight from my mock draft history page that I released one day prior to his article being published. You can read it here.
If you managed to read through the whole thing, I congratulate you. I got completely lost when Woody went off on a strange tangent and began talking about Brian Dawkins and Tim Tebow. I imagine that's what my writing will be like in 50 years. I'll begin a Jerks of the Week column writing about the fat women at the pool and end it with yet another failed attempt to game the hot redheaded chick at Wawa. Oh wait, I do that already.
Anyway, I e-mailed Woody about the column. Here's an excerpt of my message:
One of my readers alerted me about the article you published today (the draft being a guessing game). I have to say that I got a big kick out of the insults. You and the other Around the Horn panelists are one of the reasons I got into sports writing about eight years ago, and I never imagined back then that I would eventually get called out by Woody Paige. I have to say, it's pretty awesome.
While you were correct in calling me a buffoon, I was upset that you think that I am a "self-proclaimed guru." Never once have I said anything like that. If I did (or hinted at it), I'd like for you to point out where I did so, so I can explain myself to all of my readers because I am definitely not any sort of expert or guru. I create mock drafts for my Web site because A) I love doing it, B) my readers love mock drafts and C) it pays the mortgage.
I also told him I was upset that he didn't mention me or my Web site by name. Seriously, would it have killed him to put in a couple of extra words? A link to my site in the Denver Post would have been great, even if the article called me a buffoon and compared me to a mushroom.
Also, I don't know how to feel about the mushroom comment. On one hand, saving that mushroom from Bowser in Super Mario Bros. is one of the proudest moments in my life. On the other hand, the mushroom from Super Mario Bros. 2 completely sucked as a character. He was small and couldn't jump very high. All he could do was pick up things quickly, but who cares about that? He was an epic fail, and I hope I'm better than him. Oh, and mushrooms on pizzas are terrible.
Woody did not e-mail me back. I suppose he was too busy buying adult diapers or slapping some hot 25-year-old chick's butt, so it's understandable. I did, however, receive an e-mail from someone else who told me that Woody criticized his Web site. Woody once said this of the founder of BroncoTalk.com:
"Some kid in Arizona who is a Broncos fan and writes a blog, without proper grammar or punctuation or understanding, from his mom's laundry room and think (sic) he knows what he's talking about, and (sic) people actually pay attention."
Woody is a fun guy on TV, but I don't think he should be talking about proper grammar, punctuation or understanding. There are two grammatical errors in that passage alone, and as far as understanding goes, well, transitioning from the NFL Draft to Brian Dawkins and Tim Tebow is something that would originate from a mushy-minded man who belongs in a nursing home.
There has to be a reason why Woody hates Internet people so much. I've come up with four ideas. Here they are, from least likely to most likely:
Least Likely: Woody has seen too many co-workers and friends lose their job to the booming Internet journalism industry. Muhahahaha!
Somewhat Likely: Woody once tried buying adult diapers on eBay, but made the mistake of purchasing them from a vendor with a rating in the single digits. Woody lost his $19.99, and as a result of being scorned from this awful experience, he has vowed to take revenge on everyone who makes their living on the Internet.
Very Likely: Making fun of Internet writers will help impress the hot, 25-year-old makeup artists. Hmm... maybe I should try this tactic. Perhaps this is the secret to being raped by a hot chick, or even an average-looking woman.
Most Likely: Woody, as you may imagine, takes Viagra, which helps him harass women at work. Unfortunately, Viagra has a horrible side effect - it turns him off to Internet bloggers and writers. They repulse him. Don't believe me? Listen carefully to a Viagra commercial the next time you hear one. It goes something like this: "Side effects include nausea, diarrhea and death. If you have an erection for more than four hours, see a doctor. If you suddenly develop an inexplicable disdain for Internet writers, do not worry, for this happens in 90 percent of users."
I feel much better now. If Woody ever gets bored of harassing 25-year-old makeup artists, he'll stop taking Viagra, and once he does that, he'll like me again. And maybe then he'll actually put a link to my site in his next confusing column.
2. MC Spammer:
I love answering spam mail. These morons try to con innocent people, so I feel like someone has to con them back. For instance, a spammer trying to make me believe that I won a free ATM card actually bought that my name was Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, and that I was raised by wolves in Alaska in a place called "Wolf Village." He asked for an ID, so I gave him this:
This guy continued to e-mail me, but stopped once I threatened to have my wolf pack destroy his place of business, the "United Bank of Afrocan," because he charged me a fee for the ATM card.
My latest spam venture is an exchange I'm currently having with someone who calls himself/herself "MC." I received the following e-mail on April 12:
You've won �375,000
Quick and to the point. I had to respond right away:
OMG OMG OMG OMG I JUST BRAGED TO ALL MY FREINDS THAT I WON 375 000 THOUSAND DOLLARS OMG OMG IM GONA BUY A WARTER SLIDE!
You'd think that MC Spammer would move on to a more naive person, but no. He/she sent me another similar e-mail with an attachment that I wasn't going to open. Instead, I sent over another reply:
WHEN DO I GET MY MONEYYY I ALREADY SPEND IT ON A WARTER SLIDE!?!?!
Would this turn off MC Spammer? Of course not, because spammers are idiots. Here's an excerpt from the next e-mail:
Congratulation: Microsoft User,
The prestigious Microsoft Team happily congratulates you as one of our TEN (10) STAR PRIZE WINNER in this New Year email award organized by Microsoft � conjunction with Microsoft Corporation.
Your Email Address was attached to Batch Number: R3/A312-59 with Winning No: GPA/7642/17279/2012 which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of �375,000.00 GBP.
You are required to fill the Claims Verification Form below to the Claims Department of Microsoft for the processing and delivery of your award prize to you. You are to fill the verification form CORRECTLY with your valid information to enable this office verify and process your winning prize to you without error.
CLAIMS/PAYMENT VERIFICATION FORM:
1. Your Full Name:
2. Your Full Address:
3. Your Age:
4. Your country:
5. Your Country of resident:
6. Your City:
7. Your Occupation:
9. Marital Status:
10.Your Mobile Number:
11. Alternate Mobile Number:
12. Scan copy of your identity:
This was sent on April 18. Unfortunately, I had to deal with the 2012 NFL Draft, so I couldn't check my e-mail until afterward. I finally responded on May 1:
CLAIMS/PAYMENT VERIFICATION FORM:
1. Your Full Name: RUFAHI YAHAHA
2. Your Full Address: 123 FAKE STREET, GHANA CITY, GAHANA 90210
3. Your Age: 27
4. Your country: GHANA
5. Your Country of resident: GHANA
6. Your City: GHANA CITY
7. Your Occupation: ELECTRICAL COMMISSION
8. Sex: FAMAIL
9. Marital Status: SINGLE TEEHEE
10.Your Mobile Number: 867-5309
11. Alternate Mobile Number: 867-5308
12. Scan copy of your identity: ATTACH IN EMALE
I have not heard back from MC Spammer yet, but it's still early. If anything, I can e-mail him/her again and threaten to destroy his/her office by hiring Mister Compassion Chuck Norris and his band of wolves.
3. Hate Mailers:
I get tons of spam mail, more than most people because my e-mail address is available on my Web site. I naturally get hate mail as well. You can read some old versions by clicking the link.
I'd like to discuss two recent pieces of hate mail in particular. I received one about a month ago, but I've been saving it for the appropriate Jerks of the Week entry. This Miami Dolphin fan and I were arguing about something. He used some ad hominem against me (an attack on me to prove that I was wrong about the argument), so I said, "A little Ad hominem there? Nice. A psychologist would dissect you in a second." He replied:
A seventh grader would dissect you. Kiss your boyfriend and go to sleep.
That was the catalyst to one of the most bizarre e-mail exchanges of all time.
Oh, OK, a religious nutjob. The perfect strategy for beating them in an argument is using their own religious fallacies and hypocrisies against them. Here's what I wrote back:
Since you're quoting the Bible, doesn't Christianity believe that you shouldn't judge others? Even if being gay is wrong, it's not your place to judge. Only God can do that. Your religion, bro. Guess you won't be "inheriting God's kingdom" either, meaning you'll have some gay roommates in Hell.
A religious nutjob indeed. So, being gay is just as bad as killing multiple people? So, Elton John is just as bad as Osama bin Laden or Ted Bundy?
I sensed more religious mumbo jumbo was coming, and I was right:
I've had enough of this self-righteous idiot. It was time to go for the knockout:
I did not receive a response from this homophobe again. No doubt he booked a flight to San Francisco to ask gays whether it's best to be a top or bottom, given that he'll be spending his afterlife in Hell, getting banged by dudes for all eternity. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The second notable piece of hate mail came immediately after the 2012 NFL Draft from someone who was upset that I gave the Bengals a B grade - because B, apparently, stands for Bad:
"Incompetant" and and complete hack? Two ands!? He must think I'm an unbelievably complete hack to warrant two ands.
I had to reply to this dufus:
It's true. There's nothing more ironic than saying, "your an idiot" or "your incompetent." You're just making yourself look dumb. This is a public service announcement to all hate mailers.
This guy replied again. It's too long to show you, but here is part of what he wrote after saying that he's not here to discuss spelling:
This guy has just a lot of negativity in his life to hate on someone he doesn't even know. Trust me, from dealing with hate mailers for 12-plus years, I can read them rather easily. So, it was time to go for the knockout:
Indeed - anyone who is this angry on the Internet can't get laid, plain and simple. And with that, I discovered the answer to my previous question - why Woody is so venomous in his Denver Post columns toward Internet writers. Poor Woody, those hot makeup artists are just too young for you. Perhaps slapping a 50-year-old woman's butt will prove to be more lucrative.