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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 12, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK: Lexus December to Remember Commercials

Christmas is a great holiday. There's nothing like driving to the mall, seeing all the colorful lights along the way, and buying presents for myself. People say that Christmas is the holiday of giving. Well, giving presents to myself is the best kind of giving.

Unfortunately, there are bad things about Christmas. Those colorful lights can cause accidents. The fake Santas standing outside of stores and begging me to donate to the Salvation Army should be deported for being annoying. And then there's buying presents for other people. I don't get this. Why would anyone give someone else a gift without the 100-percent certainty of getting something in return? Makes no sense to me.

The worst part about Christmas, of course, are the December to Remember Lexus commercials. It's an annual tradition on Jerks of the Week to make fun of them. I did so last year, but unfortunately, all the YouTube videos were taken down.

The December to Remember Lexus campaign sucks because it only targets rich people. Those who are poor and only moderately wealthy can't afford to buy their loved one a Lexus for Christmas without going completely bankrupt. So, in addition to being cheesy, these ads only function as a reminder to the non-rich that they can't afford fancy-shmancy cars.

I can only imagine the discussion at Lexus headquarters prior to launching this God-forsaken ad campaign:

Lexus Brother A: We need to sell more Lexuses, and we need to sell more Lexuses now!

Lexus Brother B: Yes! How about we air TV commercials where people buy each other Lexuses for Christmas? This will entice the rich to buy a Lexus for their loved one.

Lexus Brother A: Brilliant, Mortimer!

Lexus Employee: But sirs, won't this make the poor and middle class feel bad about themselves?

Mortimer Lexus: You hear that, Randolph? This idiot cares about the poor and the middle class!

Randolph Lexus: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Who the hell cares about these losers? Only rich people concern us. The non-rich can die as far as we're concerned because they don't buy our vehicles!

Mortimer Lexus: Lexus Employee, you're fired. Get out of my sight.

Randolph Lexus: Mortimer, it's amazing how our employees just don't understand simple business. It's almost like we can take a black bum from the street and have him do just as good of a job - if not better - than the idiots we have working for us right now.

Mortimer Lexus: A black bum? You can't be serious, Randolph. A white bum, maybe, but certainly not a black bum!

Randolph Lexus: I will bet you $1 it will work!

Mortimer Lexus: Deal! One dollar!

Because Randolph and Mortimer Lexus are such douche bags, let's make fun of the four 2011 December to Remember Lexus commercials:


Lexus Guitar Hero Commercial

First of all, it's great to know that Penny and Desmond from LOST had kids. I'm really happy for that young couple.

Second, who plays Guitar Hero anymore? That's so 2009. I think it's more likely that the kids would be playing Super Mario Bros., which is downloadable on the Wii.

With that in mind, let's make this commercial more realistic.

Eldest Daughter: Hey mom, do you want to play Super Mario Bros?

Mom: Sure!

*** Mom starts the game right away, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Mom! You have to jump on the Goomba!

Mom: Oh, OK!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Mom! You have to press the jump button!

Mom: Oops!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Here, mom, let me beat that guy for you!

Mom: No, no, I'll do it!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Youngest Daughter: Mom, maybe you should let us handle this first bad guy. He can be pretty tough.

Mom: No, it's OK. I'll figure this out.

*** Mom re-starts the level 50 more times, runs into the first Goomba 50 more times and dies 50 more times. ***

Little Kid: Mom, press the A button!

Youngest Daughter: It's the B button; not the A button!

Little Kid: No, stupid head, it's the A button!

Youngest Daughter: If I'm a stupid head, then you're adopted!

Little Kid: Mooooommmmmm!!! She said I'm adopted!

Mom: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE HERE!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Mom: HAHA THAT WALKING MUSHROOM IS SO BROWN! HIS EYES... HIS EYES, SO DARK... SO COLD... I WILL KILL HIM HAHA, I WILL DESTROY HIM IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Dad: Hey, let's take a break. Honey, I got you a present. It's a Lexus!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Mom: HAHA... YES... A LEXUS... THAT IS WHAT I NEED TO DESTROY THIS VILE BROWN MUSHROOM... I WILL RUN HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL HIS GUTS ARE SMEARED ALL OVER THE ROAD... YES... HAHA... THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO... HAHA!





Lexus Elevator Commercial

I think this commercial is really disturbing. I mean, look at that woman's hair. She looks like a 10-year-old with that hairdo. I had that same exact haircut when I was in fifth grade.

If I were President of the United States, I would make it against the law for any woman to have hair shorter than ear length. And it's not just because women look better with longer hair - what if short-haired women are mistaken for 10-year-old boys and are raped in the shower by a football coach? As a Penn State grad, I know for a fact that this has happened on several occasions.

I'm still saddened by the whole Joe Paterno ordeal, so let's turn this into reality before I cry my eyes out.

*** The couple gets on the elevator. Lexus music starts playing. ***

Man: Wait... what is this music? It sounds so familiar.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: I... I swear I've heard this somewhere before.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Hmmm...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: HMM...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Oh wait, I know! I heard this music in Jerry Sandusky's office.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Jerry was playing this when... it was a cold afternoon... the sky was cloudy... Jerry summoned me to his office... he had this music playing... then he took me to the showers...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Why would you play this... unless... no!!!

Woman: Yes! Muhahahahahaha!

Man: You're Jerry Sandusky!!! AHHH!!! But I thought you were a woman!

Jerry Sandusky: A clever disguise - and my little boy haircut threw you off. Remember, you had this very haircut when we played in the showers together? MUHAHAHAHAHA! Now come to me my pretty, for it has been far too long!

Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!


Lexus Black People Commercial

Lexus would be considered racist if they didn't have a commercial with black people in it. So, why not find the palest black people on the planet, including a guy who looks exactly like Barack Obama?

It's almost like Lexus is saying that dark-skinned black people can't afford Lexuses. This is simply not true. I know for a fact that many dark-skinned black people are financially capable of owning a Lexus. These people include: Oprah Winfrey, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Donovan McNabb and Tony Danza. There are also many more.

So, what would really go down if an Obama look-alike gave his wife a Lexus for Christmas?

Obama Look-Alike: I have one more gift for you.

Wife: Oh, Barack, you shouldn't have!

Obama Look-Alike: For the last time, woman, I'm not Barack Obama!

Wife: Suuuure, Mr. President. Wink, wink.

Obama Look-Alike: Ugh. We've been married for 12 years, yet you still think I'm President Obama. How can you be so stupid?

Wife: What can I say, Barack, wink, wink? So, where is my gift?

Son: Mommy, mommy, I dunked two basketballs at the same time in school today!

Wife: Shut up, kid! President Obama is about to give me my final Christmas present.

Obama Look-Alike: Here it is. It's a music box.

Wife: A music box? You're the President of the United f***ing States of America, and all you could afford is a f***ing music box?

Obama Look-Alike: But no... you have to play it...

Wife: I'm not playing a f***ing music box! You're President Obama. Do you know how much money you're capable of stealing in taxes from the real middle class each year? You should have bought me a castle for Christmas!

Obama Look-Alike: A castle? But I bought you a L...

Wife: You bought me nothing! My mom was right. I should have married Joe Biden.





Lexus Ringtone Commercial

I don't know this guy, but if I did, I'd really hate him. He's one of those "I'm better than you because I have a loft downtown and a job at a fancy-shmancy art gallery, and all the money I don't burn away on rent, I spend at Starbucks, where I meet up with other pretentious people and discuss how cultured we are" douche bags. I like to call these people "artsy-fartsy new-age hippies," but you may know them as the #Occupy idiots who accomplish nothing outside of annoying people who work hard.

It makes me want to puke. Let me get to turning this commercial into reality before I vomit all over my keyboard.

Sweater Guy: I am so cool, I've been to Starbucks like five times today and everyone complimented me on my awesome sweater and great comb-over haircut, like oh my gosh.

Girlfriend: I'll be right back.

*** Sweater Guy hears ringing ***

Sweater Guy: Whatever could that noise be? It sounds like it's coming from under the Winter Solstice Tree. Here in my cultured apartment loft, we don't believe in non-secular holidays like Christmas. We celebrate the Winter Solstice with gifts, holiday lights and a Winter Solstice Tree. It's nothing like Christmas.

*** Sweater Guy opens present ***

Sweater Guy: You got me a phone with a car picture on it! That's what I've always wanted!

Girlfriend: No, honey, I actually got you the car!

Sweater Guy: The car? Well... if it's electric that's OK... as long as I can keep the phone with the car picture on it.

Girlfriend: Sure, you can keep the phone, silly! Let's go out and see it.

*** They go outside ***

Sweater Guy: Like oh my gosh, the car is the same one as the picture on my new phone!

Girlfriend: Umm... yeah, that was the point of the picture.

*** Suddenly, Michael Vick approaches ***

Sweater Guy: Look, honey, I'm very cultured. I have an African American friend I discuss art with, so I can converse with this particular African American. Hey, Mr. African American, who is better, Picasso or Monet? And whilst you answer, please check out my new phone with the car picture on it. Isn't my girlfriend the best?

Michael Vick: Hark! I must commandeer your domestic canine, so I may electrocute it and drown it!

Sweater Guy: Ahhhhh!!! It's an evil black man like the ones the big corporations portray in the movies!!! Please do not steal my phone with the car picture on it! I'll give you anything!!!

Michael Vick: Good sir, I do not desire your phone with the vehicle photograph on it. I merely have an interest in your domestic canine, as I previously specified.

Sweater Guy: Fine, fine, fine, take the dog, take the car, take my girlfriend, I don't care!!! Just don't steal my precious phone with the car picture on it, or my sweater. Oh my gosh, my sweater is so awesome, oh my gosh.

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Jon 12-12-2011 11:30 pm xxx.xxx.xxx0.32 (total posts: 1)
195     18

Every time I see one of these commercials, I get a strong urge to throw things at my TV.
The Real Brad 12-12-2011 09:02 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.174 (total posts: 2)
536     1017

Sure some middle class families will enjoy the surprise of getting a Lexus. That's where we get to watch them slowly morph into a lower class family! Hurray for spending carelessly, suffering the consequences, and then as a result, pointing your finger at everyone else!
Matt 12-12-2011 08:55 pm xxx.xxx.xxx2.43 (total posts: 1)
19     11

@ Brad

These vehicles range from $33K to $45K. If you know someone who has spent that much on a Christmas gift I have news for you: They aren't middle-class.
Brad 12-12-2011 06:32 pm xxx.xxx.xxx0.28 (total posts: 3)
11     25

Walt how do you define rich and middle class? And Matt I am not so sure they are topically unrealistic Mike made a good point its not like it a expensive car, so yeah some middle class families would enjoy that surprise and I know some who have.
Matt 12-12-2011 05:44 pm xxx.xxx.xxx0.33 (total posts: 1)
26     12

Well done Walt. Not as good as last years rant, but still pretty funny.

@ Mike

These commercials piss me off because they are totally unrealistic. Nobody "surprises" their wife or husband with a Lexus. And even if they did, that person would not react with a big smile. They would/should say something like "Um, did you maybe think you should consult with me first before making this $40,000 decision?" or "Did you use our joint checking account for this?" or "Who are you and how did you get your hands on this type of disposable cash?"
Me 12-12-2011 05:35 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.178 (total posts: 1)
11     13

Whats so bad about lexus commercials? I agree not a lot of people can go by their families new cars for christmas, but then again if I could I wouldn't be buying a lexus. Some people may not be rich but need a new car and hear that and decide they want that instead of a Christmas present. Besides there are lots more retarded commercials going on now.
Mike 12-12-2011 05:07 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.186 (total posts: 1)
17     15

Lexus is not a Bentley middle class people can buy them
Neil 12-12-2011 09:27 am xxx.xxx.xxx8.96 (total posts: 2)
85     35

Walt, you've outdone yourself..This is the greatest JOTW ever! I'm ROTF.

..But are you sure the plural for "Lexus" isn't "Lexi"??
Ryan 12-12-2011 05:12 am xxx.xxx.xxx0.94 (total posts: 1)
35     37

You wrote Michael Vick's name? I thought he would always be QB Dog Killer to you?



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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 23


2014 NBA Mock Draft - April 23


NFL Free Agents - April 22


2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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