Back in February, I dubbed some weirdo named Farim a Jerk of the Week. This guy sent me countless IMs on G-chat - click the link to see them - which included phrases like:
lom omg 2day I was at walmart and I tried to take food sand almonmts god away!!!!
i wanna eat yu
some ppl r g@y in this world lol omg
Well, I'm pleased to tell you that Farim is back! Yes, our favorite brain-dead moron has rediscovered how to use a computer. In honor of this, he sent me me countless e-mails and IMs on G-chat.
I first received this sequence of IMs from him a couple of weeks ago:
I love how he thinks I'm a "gurl" and says he misses me, but then says, "Up yo asssz." He's either bipolar or into insulting the imaginary women he thinks he has sex with. Maybe both.
I didn't answer Farim on IMs, so I guess he thought he'd have success reaching me by sending me an e-mail. Or rather, e-mails. Or rather, dozens of e-mails. Click the link to see how ridiculous it was.
See what I'm dealing with here? Let's dissect a few of things, starting from the bottom:
"LOL omg walmart OMG OMG LOL the watremelonz were there but I not aloud get by OMG iran awy they kicked me ow."
If you're wondering, I didn't cut off that e-mail. It just ended at "ow." And what's this about Iran? I'm beginning to think this guy was in the Persian Gulf War and suffered severe head trauma trying to steal a watermelon from an Iranian watermelon vendor. Hey, there's at least a chance that happened, right?
"omg nfl news - charger suck."
Could you imagine if ESPN reported news like this?
Stuart Scott: I'm as cool as the other side of the pillow. Here's Adam Schefter with some breaking NFL news. Wat up, dogg?
Adam Schefter: omg nfl news - charger suck.
Yeah, I don't think Farim is replacing Schefter anytime soon.
I love how Farim misspells a word that doesn't even exist.
"apos'[a - Jackson is da men"
I'm not even going to try to figure out what this means. I don't want to suffer a seizure.
"MY ANALTIZERS - OMG I MISS YU SO MUCH I NEED YU F@GGAROS UP IN da WORld OMG l,ol LOLO LOL OLOL OLOL OL OL."
Think Farim was whacking off as he was typing this? Perhaps that can account for his misspelling "LOL" at the end there. Also, "Faggaros?" Sounds awesome. I think I might just start calling people Faggaros.
"queschin - can yu sen d me naked pic"
Farim might be a Looney Tune living in a mental hospital, but based on this sentence, I can tell that he has some serious game with the ladies.
"prezidint - OMG LOL LOOK GUESS WAT I GOT NEWZ!!!! FAT LADY GUNA WIN PREZIDINT LOL OL LOL OLO OMG."
As you can tell by that picture, I had a 198-line conversation on G-chat with Farim. He IMed me one night, and I didn't have anything better to do, so I thought I'd mess around with him. Here's the first portion of our dialogue:
Do you still doubt that he lives in an insane asylum? Even the nut jobs living in there think he's weird.
What the hell is up with this sentence? "lol the ladyz want me chokolit but I take an cosco an store sposed 2 b 4 eatin!!!!!!!!!1"
I've been trying to figure out what this could possibly mean for five minutes now. My nose is starting to bleed. This can't possibly be good. Let's move on to the next portion of our conversation:
As you can see, I was trying to dumb myself down so Farim could understand me. Well, I apparently was doing a poor job because challenging words like "plural" and "vice" proved to be out of his grasp.
Also, I love how he's offended that I apparently called him a "colum." Farim, yu make no sense.
Forget what I said earlier. Farim has no skills with the ladies. You can't go from "I HAYT YU" to "can yu send me nacked pic?"
I also wonder if Farim actually believes I was "borne" with "cloth" on.
Farim doesn't reside in Northeast Philly, or South Philly, or the slums of North Philly. Nope. He lives in the second floor of Philly.
OK, so, at 11:15, Farim declared his hatred for me. At 11:18, Farim has called me his BFF. Anyone else confused?
Also, what the hell is going on with this Cosco place? I feel like I need to visit the Cosco located in the second floor of Philadelphia to figure out what's going on. However, I fear that once I enter that Cosco, you'll never see or hear from me again.
To reach Farim, you have to go leftwest, then northsouth, then southnorth, then climb to the fifth floor, then reach the second-floor windows and bypass the "barbd" wire. Luckily, all you have to do to go back to your house is click your heels three times and repeat, "There's no place like home."
I wonder if Farim was actually waiting for me to show up. More importantly, did he suffer a mental breakdown when he realized I wasn't coming? You know, the mental breakdown on top of the mental breakdown he incurred while stealing watermelons in Iran.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Josseline
I used to accept all friend requests on Facebook. Now, I make sure the person friending me isn't some weird woman from a different country. Assuming she's not hot, of course.
Why the sudden change? Just take a look at this conversation I had with some woman named Josseline Cusme Espana on Facebook chat:
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:14 pm
Walter Cherepinsky 8:15 pm
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:16 pm
how are you....?
Walter Cherepinsky 8:16 pm
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:16 pm
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:19 pm
that you do ?
Walter Cherepinsky 8:19 pm
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:20 pm
watch is his work? in that place is now?...
Walter Cherepinsky 8:21 pm
are you asking me if I make watches?
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:24 pm
She's almost as bad as Farim. "Watch is his work" might as well be "I wana eat yu so bad."
At this point, I figured I should mess with Josseline. She might live in a grass hut and trade livestock for currency, but she's annoying the hell out of me.
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:27 pm
speak spanish you
Walter Cherepinsky 8:27 pm
no, I only speak American
the only Spanish words I know are Taco and Bell
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:31 pm
Nice, I made her laugh. Maybe I can fly down to her third-world country, visit her grass hut and bang her. Or perhaps I should pull a Farim and ask her to send naked pics to me.
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:33 pm
and you ve come to ecuador
Walter Cherepinsky 8:34 pm
who is ecuador?
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:36 pm
Walter Cherepinsky 8:37 pm
no, i've never left America. i don't even like leaving my house
Josseline Cusme Espa?a 8:41 pm
Our conversation ended there because she signed off, but what I said was true. I don't like leaving my house. Guess that means I won't be banging Josseline in her grass hut anytime soon.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Facebook Morons
It's been a long time since I've done a Facebook Morons segment on Jerks of the Week, so let's do one in honor of Farim and Josseline.
If you've never seen this before, I'm friends with some people on Facebook who have the most idiotic friends ever. I collect their dumb and incoherent Facebook wall posts and make fun of them for a cheap laugh.
Here are 10 new Facebook Moron posts:
1. Im bout to go HAM!!! cause I feels as tho y'all n***a light CHEESE!!!!
I'm not sure what the hell this means, and I don't think anyone understood it either. This guy liked his own comment, but no one else liked it or responded to it.
2. whats the rap s ong things it s like and every thing i do reminds me of u ? u playd it in ur car today ?
Ohhh... that song! Thanks to your clear description, I'm sure your friend was able to identify that song immediately.
3. Bow! Bow! Bow! Bow! We juss be bussing at them...I'm up n bord n shot da fuc out..SO DA FUC WAT!!!
Calm down, buddy. Just because you're "bord" doesn't mean that you have to start barking like a dog and yelling incoherently on Facebook. That's not going to make time move any faster.
4. Do y'all realize it always da n****z dat get no p***y dat got sumthin smart to say it f.b n***a pipe da fuc down
Since you seem to have dumb stuff to say, I can only assume that you get lots of p***y. Actually, I'm now convinced that if I walk around any city and start yelling stupid things, I'll get a laid. A lot.
5. I need a bebe gun dis bird juss s***ed on me disrespectful (fuc my whole swag up..)
Oh noez, not his swag! Someone please come quickly and help keep this man's swag intact! There's no time to waste because this man's swag is in jeopardy!
6. Wonderin y after a whole year y I ain't either have ur number r wife u yet
For those keeping track, this genius used the word "wife" as a verb. With that in mind, let's conjugate!
He/she/it wifes (wives?)
You (pl.) wife
So, is it he/she/it wifes or wives? I'm going to be wondering about this for months.
7. Told y'all females but y'all don't listen let dis pix fool u
How dare no one listen to this wise mang's sage advice?
By the way, the "mang" there was unintentional. I was going to type "man's" but I hit the G key by accident. I think "mang's" works, don't you?
8. Every gurl is beautiful but not every gurl cute
I'm pretty sure this is the gangsta version of "every square is a rectangle, but every rectangle isn't a square."
9. Even tho I run dis streets u kno exactly wat I do ima chase dis paper bring it back home to u....But I'm single so ima spend dis mugga6
No wonder you're single - you spend your days chasing paper around. Dude, paper isn't that important. You can just buy some at Staples for a couple of bucks.
By the way, I'm curious - is mugga6 that much of an upgrade over mugga5? I may have a mugga5, but I don't know if I should upgrade to mugga6. Thoughts?
10. Wat ur fone off
This guy spelled three out of the four words in that sentence incorrectly. Batting .250 is OK in baseball. Batting .250 in grammar? Not so good.
What a poor effort. Come on, man. Even Farim can do better than .250.