Jerks of the Week - May 9, 2011
Jerks of the Week for May 9, 2011
JERK OF THE YEAR: Rashard Mendenhall
When our awesome troops eliminated Osama bin Laden last Sunday night, the nation rejoiced. If you didn't watch CNN, FOX News, etc., tens of thousands of drunk and happy people celebrated in the streets of Washington and New York.
One individual who was not celebrating, however, was Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall. Instead, he took to Twitter and fired off a series of controversial anti-American tweets:
I'm not sure how that last one got in there, but as you can see, Mendenhall is an idiot. And I don't want to hear any of this "free speech" crap. Sure, as an American (who supports terrorism) Mendenhall has the right to say anything he wants, but what he tweeted was the equivalent of someone saying, "The colors on a traffic light are blue, orange and purple." It's just completely wrong. You can go around telling people that the colors on a traffic light are blue, orange and purple, and you won't be arrested for it, but people will think you're an imbecile.
And Mendenhall's an imbecile. By the way, I can say that because of "free speech." That's right - anyone who defends Mendenhall must also acknowledge that because of free speech, anyone else can also call Mendenhall a moron. It works both ways.
With that in mind, let's review Mendenhall's tweets to prove just how clueless he is:
Going down on your man IS optional. It's either gonna be you, OR some other chick. #choosewisely
Women are stupid for saying chivalry is dead. Here we have a famous football player telling chicks that they don't have to suck on his wang. It's an option, after all. Females couldn't vote a hundred years ago. Now, they have the option of going down on football players. See how far women have come since 1911? And feminists think that their gender is being treated unfairly. Pssh.
Those who judge others, will also be judged themselves.
This goes back to the free speech thing. Mendenhall is judging us for celebrating bin Laden's death, so we get to judge him for supporting terrorism. As Emmitt Smith would say, "You can't eat your cake and eat it too."
For those of you who said you want to see Bin Laden burn in hell and piss on his ashes, I ask how would God feel about your heart?
Two things. First, since Mendenhall is referencing God, let's look at two passages out of the Bible that contradicts this fail of a tweet:
Romans 12:19 - Vengeance is mine sayeth the lord, I will repay
Ezekiel 25:17 - God laid down his vengeance on him.
So, God would probably feel pretty good about your heart.
And second, people weren't celebrating bin Laden's death because they were happy that a human being died. People were happy because bin Laden's demise represented a huge blow to present-day terrorism and anti-peace. People are thrilled that without the head of Al Quesadilla calling the shots, that terrorist organization is less likely to have a successful attack on American soil and kill more innocent people.
Al Quesadilla? Yeah, I forget what those douche bags are called. And meh, who cares? They're finished anyway. At any rate, it just amazes me that a chivalrous man like Mendenhall doesn't understand this. I thought football players were supposed to be smart.
There is not an ignorant bone in my body. I just encourage you to #think
Another Twitter member, @MarkVernallis, replied with a hilarious tweet:
"@R_Mendenhall How about you #think about not fumbling the #football in the #goddamn #superbowl"
By the way, I hate this stupid hash mark obsession on Twitter. In every other tweet from an athlete or stupid celebrity, I see them hash something dumb like "#think." I'm glad @MarkVernallis made fun of this. It might have just inspired me to use irrelevant hash marks from now. Here's an example:
Check out my 2012 NFL Mock Draft - http://bit.ly/gn4mWP #marshmallowistasty
Marshmallow is tasty? Sounds good to me #NOM #NOM #NOM #NOM.
What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side...
Oh yeah, there's definitely no way that bin Laden was remotely responsible for 9/11. I mean, let's just ignore the fact that he admitted to it years ago, which was he declared war on America back in 1997 in a broadcasted interview with a CNN journalist.
But we haven't heard bin Laden's side of the story yet. By admitting responsibility to 9/11 in a video, bin Laden actually meant to say, "Even though I trained my soldiers to attack America and lied to them about the 69 virgins they'll receive after death, I had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks. What was I doing that day? Well, nothing special at first. I went to McDonald's for breakfast, then I sat by the pool for a few hours. After that, I took a nap and went clubbing at night. My friend Ahmed and I met these two crazy chicks, and oh man... I don't even want to get into what they did back at my crib."
Poor bin Laden. All he wanted to do in his Pakistani mansion was eat Egg McMuffins, lay out in the sun and bang kinky babes. Why did we have to kill such a cool guy? Why oh why!?!?!
We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.
Duh. Mendenhall is right. There is absolutely no way a 75,000-pound plane traveling at 500 mph can knock down a skyscraper "demolition style." Impossible.
There is no way the plane destroyed those towers, so let's take a look at some possible suspects. I know who the real culprit is, but here are three other suspects that my Facebook friends considered:
1. From Bret O: The planes that flew into the towers were holographs and everything we saw was all CGI on 9/11.
That would totally explain why Michael Bay was seen near Ground Zero that day.
2. From Peter O: The United States shot two missiles at the trade center and had cardboard cut outs of planes taped to them to throw everyone off.
I can actually hear Michael Moore snacking on some Cheetos and yelling, "NOM NOM NOM NOM THAT'S WHAT I SAY IN MY VIDEO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!"
3. From Ryan E: I call it the young, rich, and black theory. Mendenhall doesn't think 9/11 actually happened; his side of the story is that he was in the parking garage below the World Trade Center and his music was playing too loud in his car. Being young, rich, and black, the police came and ruined his good time and then assaulted him. To cover the whole thing up, the New York City police blew up the towers to destroy the evidence of the assault. Case closed.
I'd love to believe Ryan E's awesome conspiracy theory, but as I mentioned, I know the real culprit. After doing some thinking and extensive research, I've uncovered the true mastermind behind the attacks on 9/11:
Wile E. Coyote is hungry. And oh, there's the roadrunner! Can he finally catch that bastard?
How can this foolproof plan possibly fail?
Aim for the roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote, not the World Trade Center!
And boom goes the dynamite. From what I'm hearing, the remaining members of Al Quesadilla are attempting to recruit Wile E. Coyote to be their new leader. But what if he doesn't like Egg McMuffins, Al Quesadilla? What then?
Everyone reading this now knows that Osama bin Laden was not behind 9/11. It was just a hungry coyote and his ACME rocket. So, if I can debunk 9/11 so easily, let's see what other dumb statements and/or silly conspiracy theories we can come up with. I asked my Facebook friends to see if they could think of anything, and here are some of the results:
Jake A: The no bullet theory. JFK wasn't killed by anyone. His head just did that.
Had Mendenhall been alive in the 1960s, I sadly believe he would have tweeted, "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a bullet could kill a president demolition style."
Oh, wait. Twitter wasn't around back then. Damn it. #marshmallowwasstilltastyin1960.
Ryan K: I heard Mendenhall doesn't think an NFL quarterback can date rape a 19-year-old either.
Date? Who said anything about date?
Mendenhall's response: "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a quarterback could rape a 19-year-old girl demolition style."
Matt S: Bill Belichick is actually an alien from Mars who collects draft picks to survive in Earth's atmosphere.
Anyone who follows the NFL Draft knows this is absolutely, 100-percent true.
J.P. P: Contrary to earlier reports, Jenn Sterger sent a picture of HER penis to Brett Favre first. Favre, in his usual Percocet stupor, thought s/he was playing a game with him, so he deleted the photo and responded in kind. All of this was orchestrated by Roger Goodell and Hillary Clinton.
If this is true, Sterger is really lucky, and I'm sure Mendenhall would agree. Not only does she have the option of going down on guys; she also has the option of going down on herself. I'm sure that every single woman on this planet is jealous of her.
Those were all great dumb statements and/or ridiculous conspiracy theories. Now, it's my turn:
1. The fat ladies at my gym pool don't really want to eat me.
This got me thinking. It's amazing how I can THINK FAT WOMEN WILL EAT ME when I have never even heard them speak. We've only heard one side...
Me: Hey, Fat Woman at the Pool, I'm sorry I assumed that you would eat me. I'm willing to hear you speak so I can hear both sides.
Fat Woman at the Pool: HOLD ON ONE SECOND, ME GO GET KETCHUP SO ME CAN EAT YOU NOM NOM NOM NOM!
So much for hearing from both sides.
2. By telling me to "stay off the streets," Angry Black Man implied that he wants me to go to his girlfriend's bedroom so I can give her the Mendenhall option.
Yes. This must be it. By saying that we're going to discuss my "life span," he meant that he would teach me how to "last" longer so I could satisfy his girlfriend.
Phew. I'm relieved I can go out on the streets again.
3. Rosie O'Donnell is skinny. Very skinny. I just have a hard time believing a woman can eat so many cheeseburgers and tip the scale at 2,500 lbs.
See, I'm safe with this theory. If I'm wrong and Fat Rosie gets hungry, I can just distract her with a #TastyMarshmallow.
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Kallstrom
05-09-2011
05:39 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.187
(total posts: 4)
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To be fair the view that Bin Laden's death does not make the world safer (because Al Qaeda is a world-wide-held ideology and not some nonsense from a Bond movie)and that celebrating his death is nothing but a revenge thing is normal opinion in the UK and probably every country in the world that's not America.
To party like you won something is retarded when there are probably about ten terror cells being formed in London while I'm typing this. Bin Laden was near the bottom of your to-do list. But if you want a token feel-good moment even though the terrorism problem will be perpetual for years to come then go ahead. Just don't be shocked when the guy who fills his shoes carries on his work. Wahabi-based Anti-Western ideologies don't go away when you kill a famous dude who didn't even run Al Qaeda.
arhah
05-09-2011
05:37 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx17.5
(total posts: 1)
20
20
im sorry but anyone who believes that 9/11 wasn't set up by the Bush administration needs a reality check and needs to see fahrenheit 911 by michael moore.
broseph
05-09-2011
05:29 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.171
(total posts: 1)
16
18
I spat the food I was eating all over my monitor when I read the theory on Ben roethlisberger.
Walter Sr.
05-09-2011
04:58 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx1.91
(total posts: 1)
15
17
I find this hard to masturbate to
nc fan
05-09-2011
04:46 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.229
(total posts: 1)
20
16
just another reason for me to hate the steelers, but i'll dislike mendenhall no matter what team he's on
Jackie
05-09-2011
04:43 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.237
(total posts: 3)
17
17
@Jayme
Walter only took six years to graduate because he switched majors. I'm just appalled by Americans, or any person with moral values, that stands up for terrorism. I'm also shocked that more people aren't praising this JOTW entry. With that said, Mendenhall is ignorant.
ironduke
05-09-2011
04:33 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.169
(total posts: 2)
19
20
Obviously Walter is not a christian.
Wow
05-09-2011
03:44 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.142
(total posts: 1)
17
17
Racist...
ironduke
05-09-2011
12:55 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.169
(total posts: 2)
22
20
Drop this nonsense and get to work on the Mock Free Agency
baslew
05-09-2011
12:52 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.114
(total posts: 1)
20
20
This was the least interesting JotW in a long time.
Warrior
05-09-2011
12:28 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx9.36
(total posts: 2)
19
18
Walt- thanks alot for selling out Wile E.
Freakishly Skinny Guys
05-09-2011
12:22 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx4.23
(total posts: 1)
16
20
Rosie O'Donnell really could stand to gain a few pounds. I'm just glad someone finally agreed with us.
Paul
05-09-2011
12:20 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx9.36
(total posts: 2)
19
19
Jayme:
There is a HUGE difference between book smarts and common sense. Just because a person has a PHD in any subject does not automatically mean they are an authority on everything. Your friend with the PHD is proving that by ignoring the cold hard facts.
Adam b
05-09-2011
11:48 am
xxx.xxx.xxx7.39
(total posts: 1)
16
18
The only real problem I have with it is twisting the bible verses to fit ur argument. God is saying that vengeance is his.. Not mans the Romans verse starts out "do not take revenge, but leave room for gods wrath." ezekiel states "I will carry vengeance" in both instances god was referring to his wrath and vengeance being more important than humans. So i dont think mendenhall was of base when when he said God wouldnt feel great about a persons heart who celebrates a hukmans eternity in hell. Dot twist his words orthe bibles to found ur point. there is enough wrong with his tweets that you don't have to do that.
David
05-09-2011
09:04 am
xxx.xxx.xxx0.33
(total posts: 2)
17
17
For a guy who is as close to God as Mendenhall claims to be, maybe he should realize that God frowns on premaritial sex. That being said, he should probably #think about deleting his tweet on blow jobs.
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Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - June 19
2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 18
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 17
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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