I'm pretty pissed off. I wanted to berate Connecticut women's basketball head coach Geno Auriemma. I had a rant stored for the conclusion of the NCAA Tournament. Unfortunately, JackO stole my thunder and went off on a tirade against Auriemma on Bill Simmons' podcast last week.
In short, Auriemma is a douche bag. Back in December, when Connecticut was chasing the all-time college basketball record for consecutive wins, Auriemma lashed out at the media for saying that his girls' winning streak was less impressive than the UCLA men's record. A couple of weeks ago, Auriemma was once again irate - this time because half the seats were empty for Connecticut's NCAA Tournament games.
"Maybe we should offer free parking, more giveaways," he said. "We should let some of the fans coach the team, maybe a guest coach every quarter."
That's not a bad idea, actually. It would increase attendance. Women's basketball needs gimmicks like that because women's basketball sucks.
Allow me to diverge from the politically correct crap you hear from ESPN, who feels like it needs to barrage us with non-stop women's college basketball coverage, highlights and analysis. Women's college basketball is unwatchable for the following reasons:
The men are much more athletic.
The men's game is faster.
The men actually dunk.
The women don't use a regulation-sized basketball.
There are only 10 or fewer good teams every year in women's basketball, so most games are blowouts.
If the Connecticut men played the Connecticut women, the score would be 110-30. And that's being kind.
Unlike men's basketball, there is more "talent" on the women's bench than on the court. Seriously, if you ever flip on ESPN and see that a women's basketball game is on, check out the benches of the two teams before you change the channel. It's loaded with hot chicks.
On a related note, every time ESPN shows women's college basketball highlights, all I think is, "Eww, she's ugly... eww, she's ugly... eww, she's ugly... she's not bad... eww, she's ugly... wow, she's hot... meh, she'd be OK if she grew out her hair... wait, why does Stanford's coach look like a young boy?"
Luckily, women's college basketball is fixable. I have three suggestions:
1. I've always wondered - do women wear thongs while playing college basketball? Do they wear granny panties? Or are they more daring, and go commando? I think this is information that needs to be made public.
Forget points, rebounds and assists. The stats I want to know are underwear type and color. They don't need to divulge this information for the really ugly chicks. I'm mainly asking for the real "talent" on the bench.
2. You know what would make women's college basketball awesome? Mud wrestling.
Now, you may be thinking, "Walt, this is basketball. If it's just mud wrestling, then how do we differentiate between women's basketball and real mud wrestling?"
I never said anything about no basketballs being involved. Come on, I'm not sexist. Of course, basketballs would have to fit into the equation. Maybe after one chick pins another one down in the mud, she'd have to pick up a basketball and throw it into a hoop, or something. I don't know, I'm still working this out in my head.
3. Sex tapes and cat fights would be huge for women's college basketball. Think about it. If you hear that some hot chicks who play for Florida State put together a lesbian sex tape, aren't you going to want to watch some Florida State women's college basketball?
Now, why wouldn't you just download the sex tapes? That's where the cat fighting comes in. If there's a chance a girl's jersey gets ripped off, I want to see it - especially if she has a lesbian sex tape out there.
While men are penalized for committing fouls, I think women should be encouraged. The harder the foul, the better. Bonus points for ripping jerseys and pulling off shorts.
I guarantee that if these rules are implemented, every women's college basketball game would sell out. Maybe then, Geno Auriemma wouldn't have to sound like he has a dildo up his anus when he's at a press conference.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Celebrity Man
This Web site gets a ton of traffic, so hundreds of people contact me daily via e-mail or comment boards. Unfortunately for my sanity, some of them are very, very stupid.
I've listed Farim's e-mails in the past. Then there was the Michael Vick supporter who thought he was friends with the Eagles' quarterback because he inexplicably rolled a boulder in front of his house. And if you haven't seen it, I posted some crack head messages I received in my 2011 NFL Mock Draft comment board.
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK BADLY ABOUT MY BAND, YOU CHRISTIAN SCUM! I SHALL LOCK YOU IN A CAVE IN THE GRIM AND FROSTBITTEN FORESTS OF NORWAY, WITH NOTHING TO EAT BUT YOUR OWN FLESH AND NOTHING TO DRINK BUT YOUR OWN BLOOD! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, that's harsh. Could I at least some ketchup to put on my own flesh? Thanks.
Two months ago, I had an exchange with someone I will call Celebrity Man. This guy was way more lucid than Forests of Norway Psychopath, but he was still crazy enough to be locked away in a mental hospital. For some reason, he felt the need to defend the celebrity co-owners of the Miami Dolphins:
I try to not make a habit of taking up for Billionaire NFL Team owners, however, in this case, you have not been factual and that just burns my a**.
In your 2011 NFL Mock draft your attempt at humor when stating that the Owner of the Miami Dolphins Steven Ross was like the Dork who always wated to sit with the Jocks and cheerleaders.... and that he had surrounded himself with "DOZENS" of B-List Celebrities as "Part time owners"...
Now, hey, wanna call a Billionaire who likely could buy you and yours 20 times over a "DorK'... Okay, Go ahead. I feel it makes you look petty but that is just me. If Venus and Serina Williams are "B-list" to you, okay, you must really run with the big dogs. Actually, it had more to do with them being life long S. Florida residents. Same with Gloria and Emilio. Fergie being the lead for the Black Eye Peas is not a bad gig...
Who is a Blog/Web site writter to call anyone a B-list celeb? Com-on dude.... You make predictions on a free web site about who teams MIGHT draft, last year you were so far off we could not find your picks with a Space Shuttle. You take a list of good players and give your OPINIONS about them... and you feel comfy calling a Guy who could buy Sun Life Stadium and the Miami Dolphins a "Dork"? A Guy who has Educational Building at the University of Michigan named after him!
I suppose I should fire up my version of DreamWeaver and start a site that predicts who will be the site that makes the best predictions.... Then I can be a... Well tell me... If Venus and Serena, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, Fergie, and Mr and Mrs Estefan are B-listers... What are YOU?... Then I'll know I'm better cause I'm predicting if your predictions will suck like they did last year or not...
Let me know....mean while... Just tell the F***ing truth and do justice to your site like you always have with class and honest assessment... try to stop acting like your a f***ing comic... 100,000,000 comedians out of work and you want to be the funny motherf***er!
This just might be the dumbest e-mail I've ever received. Some of my thoughts:
My writing burns your a**? Sounds kinky. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
If you're going to defend a guy, at least spell his name right. It's "Stephen;" not "Steven."
This might sound strange to Celebrity Man, but it's not everyone's dream to run with "big dogs" like Venus Williams and Emilio Estefan. The "big dogs" I run with are Crazy Horse Girl, Josh and Multi-Colored Face Girl. I'll take those "big dogs" over your B-list celebrity "big dogs."
I couldn't find my picks with a space shuttle? What? I had no idea that having a space shuttle could improve my picks. I better invest in a space shuttle. Hell, I'd be able to use it as a tax write-off.
"A Guy who has Educational Building at the University of Michigan named after him!" Sounds like a cool dude.
Wow, I knew the job market was bad, but 100 million comedians are out of work? What a tough profession.
I sent this guy a short reply:
What is this e-mail? I can't believe you're defending Stephen (not Steven, as you wrote) Ross. Every single Dolphins fan I know is sick of the guy. But I guess every high school dork has a supporter or two.
Who are these loser celebrities you're naming? Jennifer Lopez and Serena Williams are the only non-B-listers that you mentioned. No one cares about the other Williams sister. That's like saying Emilio Estevez is an A-list celebrity. Marc Anthony stinks. Gloria Estefan hasn't done anything in 20 years. Who the hell is Emilio Estefan? And Fergie has a horrifying turkey neck. Disgusting.
If you want, feel free to fire up DreamWeaver, as you wrote. E-mail me and we'll set up a link exchange. That way, you can get some traffic, and some crazy person can e-mail you at 3 a.m. and defend the loser celebrities you make fun of in your mock draft.
Look, I'm sorry your owner sucks balls. It must be depressing to watch your once-proud franchise go down the s***ter. Just know that I sympathize.
Celebrity Man wasn't too pleased with my response...
Your just a half a**ed Blogger that has a wishing well site that is wrong most of the time... ooooohhhhh lost of people read my site, So what? Do you have a Grammy? Do you have an Oscar? Grow up blogger boy..... Those people you are bashing can afford a piece of an NFL franchise you f***ing idiot.... You cant afford a toilet seat in one of their Mansions.
Go f*** yourself .....
Apparently, having a Grammy or an Oscar makes you immune to criticism. Once you win that Grammy or Oscar, that's it. No one can make fun of you ever again!
By the way, keep Celebrity Man's grammatical errors in the back of your mind for the time being. Here was my next reply:
Thanks for the response, Derek. Not sure why you're defending loser celebrities, but hey, if that's what makes you happy, keep on doing it.
You're wrong, by the way. I bought a house 18 months ago solely with the money I made off this site, so I might be able to afford two toilet seats in their mansions. Maybe three if I'm lucky!
I would go f- myself, but I'm just not in the mood right now, ya know?
Celebrity Man would go on to send me an obscenely long e-mail. Let's break it down, piece by piece:
I think you need to understand one thing, Walt.... I'm not defending Steven Ross. Can't say he's my favorite owner or person. What I am defending against is some guy on a web site bashing my team on his wishing well site. And that is what a fantasy/Mock blog is, Walt... A wishing well.
Again, with the misspelling of "Stephen Ross." And by the way, my site is not a wishing well. Google defines a wishing well as, "A term from European folklore to describe wells where it was thought that any spoken wish would be granted."
Oh, wonderful wishing well Web site, my wish is for Celebrity Man to never bombard me with another nonsensical e-mail again.
Did it work? I guess I'll find out.
You seem adept at what you do... but not real bright about the people you do it for, Typical Computer Nerd types actually.
Celebrity Man has now moved on to insulting my readers, calling them "Computer Nerd" types. I guess he doesn't think my readers run with the "big dogs" like Emilio Estefan and Marc Anthony.
And speaking of Emilio Estefan, whoever the hell that is...
I'm also not certain how you can say two people like the Estefans are "Losers"... you know nothing of South Florida or its populous. For one thing, The Estefans are one of the biggest supporter's of the Hospital I have been a surgeon in for the last 27 year. They have helped so many kids and their families with paying bills they could otherwise just leave hanging on the Hospital or would otherwise be left unpaid or in flux. Gloria is also one of the largest suporters of back injury and paralisys patients in the US, She suffered a major injury herseldf on tour several years ago.
Oh no. This guy's a surgeon? For 27 year? Tell me, would you want a psychopath like this operating on you? Remember, he e-mailed me at 3 a.m., and I'm just a guy who writes a site read by "lost of people." Would you want surgery performed by a maniac who capitalizes words at random? And can't even spell "supporters" or "paralysis" or "herself" correctly? And who has been a surgeon for 27 year?
And I wonder, where did this guy get his alleged medical degree from? Boris College? And how long did it take him to get his degree? Twenty-seven day?
So, Walt the blogger... As a doctor and surgeon, I have seen some of the wonderful things these people have done for MY COMMUNITY... where the only thing I see you doing is giving us a dart throw at Can Newton on your blog while bashing an owner who has building on Michigan named after him.
Stephen Ross has a building "on" Michigan named after him? Not "in" Michigan, but "on" Michigan? Damn, that's pretty impressive. Maybe he's not such a dork after all.
Your new, cheap and pathetic cash, Walt.... Enjoy it. BTW.... Just so you know, Dummy. The reason I wrote that mail at 3am was because I was on 48 hour call next to a recovering patient reading your... Work... and I decided to tell you what I thought... I suppose the idea of not being a 9-5 never crossed your small mind... Did it?
I still have my doubts about Celebrity Man being a surgeon for 27 year. I think there's a greater chance that he's been a patient in a mental hospital who eats his own dingleberries for 27 year.
I made up my mind that I wasn't going to waste anymore time with this fake surgeon. I attempted to send him one final e-mail:
Should you really be calling someone an idiot when you can't spell things correctly and can't differentiate between due and do? Moreover, I don't see how anyone can trust an alleged surgeon/doctor who makes as many horrible grammatical errors as you "due." I'm beginning to think you only play a doctor in e-mail responses.
Here's another instance, "Your new, cheap and pathetic cash, Walt...."
Grammatical gaffe aside (it's you're), e-mailing someone out of the blue, and calling them an "idiot" and their vocation "cheap and pathetic" is kind of like the pot calling the kettle black. If I'm wrong for bashing the celebrities, you're wrong for bashing me. But it's a free country, so maybe we're both right - in which case the premise of your e-mail is wrong.
As soon as I sent it, I slapped myself on the forehead. It wasn't "you're;" it was "your." Hey, it was late at night, and I was tired, OK?
I quickly sent a short follow-up e-mail:
I was just re-reading what I wrote, and I guess I pulled a Dr. Derek. You were right with your "your;" not "you're." Maybe I'm not qualified to be a surgeon of 27 year either.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Facebook Morons
If there's anything I learned from my e-mail exchange with Celebrity Man, it's that America's school system sucks. How anyone can be a surgeon of 27 year and not have the capability of putting together a coherent sentence is beyond me. It's a sad world we live in.
That being said, Celebrity Man is a genius compared to the following clowns. Two months ago, I had an entry where I pointed out that one of my hot female friends is inexplicably friends with some of the dumbest people alive.
I gave you six of their quotes, including "ur ma sis 4life blood is not need i still havent tasted any lasagna better den urs n btw i hope ur still ryming mc bumble bee u owe me anutha battle."
I have eight new dumb quotes from her friends, as well as my thoughts on each. After reading these, I guarantee your IQ will drop by at least 25 points:
1. U is really cute....I wanna kno wat it gone take for me to get u to inbox ur number so we can get to kno each other...if it cook wit u??
"If it cook wit you?" What the hell does that mean? After asking around, I've discovered what some of these terms mean:
"If it cook wit you" - If you're not overwhelmed with the idea.
"If it bake wit you" - If you're too drunk and/or high to come up with a sensible answer.
"If it roast wit you" - If you're nonplussed with the idea.
"If it fry wit you" - If it's tasty enough to make you think, "Yeah, that's would be great!"
"If it boil wit you" - If your inbox is full and you can't receive any new numbers.
2. Yea no comment on dat....y wouldn't u have a nd cute az ever....how hour I gave u my number u hit me up either when he ain't around or when he get u upset r feel lonely...don't shot me down mamas
Congratulations. I don't think anyone in the history of mankind has ever spelled the word however as "how hour." That's just an epic fail.
3. i kno where u at, rite nxt to dre house! H u slow as hell u dnt even kno who u tlkin to do u?lol
This guy calling some "H" person "slow as hell" is like Rosie O'Donnell telling someone else that they're "fat as hell." This "H" fellow must spend the entire day drooling on the couch if he's slower than the person making these comments.
4. I was suppose to do ya tats wusnt i?
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
5. On da real u not ma sis by blood but i got love 4 u like u r ily sis
That's a relief. If intelligence (or lack thereof) runs in this guy's family, then his "sis by blood" is probably a crack whore.
6. gthank u so o much for the ride im really s ry u were tired but toney seems like a nice guy and the dogs r so cute thanks sos oss os much for taking me to c bina i cant thank u enought sry aboutb dAVID
Thank you sos ossos sosoos ososososo ossosoos sosososooosos osossos much for your nonsensical Facebook post soso soso soss osso sososos os ss sos osos ossosoos sooso I could make fun it.
7. Lol I kno full well wut my cookies name is!!!!!
Now that's dedication. Not even Cookie Monster named his own cookies.
8. F*** Outta Here Yuh Still A Nutty As Boul !!::Gonna Call Nd Kiss Sum A**::Byee F***ing Boy::F*** You F*** The Gorund Yuh Walk On F*** Yur Lyfee::Yur A Lame A Nobodiee Dnt Onee Want Yur Petty A** Apology::Go Hop Ova Sum Bricks Kick Rocks With Yur Aslam Lama Fake 'em A**::O F*** Hate Yuh With A Passion::I Hope Yuh Get Hit By a 18wheeler Nd The Person Who Hit Yuh Leav Yuh Ther Tuh Diee!!!
Wow, what set this person off? PMS? The fact that her boy is cheating on her by "f***ing the ground" he walks on? Her inability to spell the word "to?"
I just don't know. Like all of you, my IQ has decreased by 25 points. I can't even write anymore.
Ugh. I'm done typing. I'm going outside to hop "ova sum" bricks. That sounds like fun. In fact, I'm going to ask my neighbor to join me in brick hopping. Hopefully it cook and/or bake wit him.
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.