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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Feb. 14, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials

Valentine's Day needs to go. I'm serious. I'm sick and tired of this damn holiday, and as a human race, I believe we need to band together and decide that none of us are going to celebrate this miserable holiday anymore.

Excluding rich, stuck-up women and Hallmark, who benefits from Valentine's Day? Let's take a look at every other demographic to see why Valentine's Day sucks for them:

  • Men in relationships have it the worst. Not only do they have to spend time thinking about what their woman wants; they have to save up tons of money and pray to God that their significant other doesn't hate their gift.

    And what's the best-case scenario? Some Valentine's Day sex? Terrific. You could have paid a hooker on the corner $20 for that. Instead, you spent thousands of dollars on an overpriced piece of jewelry that was responsible for the deaths of 50 African miners.

  • Poor women are cheated too. They get to watch other women - whether it's wealthy friends or fictional characters in commercials - receive expensive jewelry from their rich boyfriends or husbands. Unfortunately, all poor women get is a ring from a Cracker Jack box and/or a dinner out at Taco Bell.

    On second thought, I wish I were a poor woman. I love Cracker Jacks and Taco Bell NOM NOM NOM NOM.

  • Kids have it tough as well. When I was a kid, we would always exchange Valentine's Day cards at school. This was always stressful for me: "Should I give a Valentine's Day card to this cute girl I have a crush on?" "What should I write?" "Will she give me a Valentine's Day card?" "What will she write?" "Oh no, the fat girl is giving me a Valentine's Day card!!! Ahhhh!!!!"

  • Old people are senile, of course, so they don't know what's going on. One of their kids will give them a cute Valentine's Day present, however, leading the old person to think, "Who is this person, and why is she giving me a red bear with a heart on it!? Leave me alone so I can watch Matlock in peace, damn it!"

    Again, rich, stuck-up women who care about jewelry are the only ones who gain something from Valentine's Day. However, they, along with everyone else, have to suffer through nauseating Zales and Kay Jewelers commercials.

    Last Valentine's Day, I made fun of some of the worst Kay Jewelers commercials. I had a lot of fun doing it and I received positive feedback, so why not keep the tradition alive?


    Kay Copycat Commercial

    The premise of this commercial is pretty simple - a kid sees his mom kiss her poor sap of a husband after he spent two months of his salary on a useless piece of jewelry for her. This kid then gets a brilliant idea to construct a counterfeit piece of jewelry for the little girl down the street.

    That's great, kid. There are only a couple of flaws with your plan:

    1. Your dad worked his butt off to drop six grand for your mom. Coloring in a few letters isn't going to cut it. You need to get a job so you can afford a real piece of jewelry for your woman.

    Don't think anyone's going to hire you because you're too young? I'm not buying it. I guarantee that you could land a full-time gig with a drug conglomerate in the slums of your city. I saw it on the Wire. All you have to do is deliver crack to your customers, and then some dudes named Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale will pat you on the head and give you wads of cash. You'll be able to buy that girl a real diamond pendant in no time.

    2. The girl is too young, man. She's not old enough to be impressed by an overpriced piece of jewelry yet. If you want to date girls your age, I suggest you buy them a Barbie doll or something.

    But you should aim higher and older. After you earn enough drug money, buy a diamond necklace for your babysitter or hot teacher. She'll be overwhelmed by your manliness and put out in no time.

    Unfortunately, all this kid got was a peck on the cheek from the fat girl a few doors down. And in real life, he wouldn't even get that. Here's how the end of this commercial would have gone down if it were happening for real:

    Mandy: Charlie!

    Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.

    Mandy: Thank you! But I'm not kissing you because boys have cooties!

    Charlie: Are you f***ing kidding me? I was expecting a blow job at the very least, but you won't even kiss me!? F*** you, b***h!!!

    That's one scenario. Here's another:

    Mandy: Charlie!

    Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.

    Mandy: Umm... you colored in my name and gave me a counterfeit piece of jewelry? Are you f***ing kidding me?

    Charlie: But I like you, Mandy!

    Mandy: Get real, loser. Craig got me a diamond necklace. Billy got me a diamond bracelet. If you want a kiss from me, I want diamond rings, pronto!

    Charlie: But... but... I don't have a job and I can't afford those things!

    Mandy: No s*** you can't afford them. Why don't you go down to the corner and start selling them drugs so you can buy me those diamond earrings? Well, what are you waiting for? Chop chop!

    This girl is fat, so let's make this conversation a tad more realistic...

    Mandy: Charlie!

    Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.

    Mandy: I WANT YUM-YUMS, YOU GIVE ME YUM-YUMS?

    Charlie: No, but I colored your name in and got you something from Kay Jewelers!

    Mandy: YUM-YUM FROM KAY JEWELER? CAN ME EAT YUM-YUM FROM KAY JEWELER!?

    Charlie: No... you can wear it around your neck though.

    Mandy: YOU NO BUY ME YUM-YUM SO ME EAT YOU INSTEAD NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

    Call me crazy, but I'd rather peddle drugs than get eaten by a fat girl any day.





    Kay Leo Diamond Commercial

    Kay has been running this commercial ad nauseum, but the only place I could find it was Kay's Web site.

    In this ad, three men of different races are proposing to their girlfriends. Or at least that's what I think they're doing. They're all speaking different languages without subtitles, so one can only guess what they're saying. Here's my take:

    Asian Guy: Would you like to do math problems with me tonight? They're very complicated, and some of them feature triple integrals.

    Mexican Guy: I have found safe passage to America. My fourth cousin has a ranch in Arizona. He said he will smuggle us into America, but we have to lie in the back of his truck and cover ourselves with cow manure so the border patrol doesn't detect us.

    White Guy: Woman, we both have blond hair and blue eyes. We, the people of the Aryan race, shall destroy all those who oppose us!

    Just kidding. I know the white guy didn't say that because he spoke English.

    Unfortunately, all three men were conned into buying something called a Leo Diamond. What is a Leo Diamond you ask? Well, according to my research - i.e. the thinking I did while on the toilet seat - the Leo Diamond was discovered by an African miner named Leo. Leo found this sparkling diamond buried deep in an African mineshaft one day after he was buried in a cave-in.

    When Leo finally reached the surface after three days of digging himself out, he raised the diamond in the air and exclaimed, "Leo Diamond!" Seconds later, Leo was shot and killed by an angry white guy, also named Leo, who sold it and made a fortune.

    So, to the three whores in this commercial, congratulations - African Leo's blood is on your hands. Or on your finger, to be more precise.

    All right, so we've discussed what the men are saying in this commercial. What about the women? Here are my best guesses:

    Asian Woman: What in the world could "dong dong" mean? In English, it could translate to: "The answer to your calculus problem is X to the 12th power divided by Y to the Z power."

    Mexican Woman: I've heard Mexican people use the word "si" a lot. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue as to what this mysterious two-letter word could possible translate to. It's either "Let's go to Taco Bell and order five tacos" (sounds like a good idea to me) or "I agree that your plan to sneak into America by covering ourselves with cow manure is a grand idea."

    White Woman: Women never mean what they say. By replying "yes," this tramp probably means: "Let us begin by eliminating all other races - us, blond-hair, blue-eyed people shall rule Earth!"

    Again, I'm just kidding. The white woman really means, "Yes, I will ruin your entire life by constantly weighing you down and nagging you to death until you die at the age of 50, and then everything you have worked for in your life shall be mine! Muhahahahaha!"

    You know, I'm not sure which of the white woman's responses is worse.





    Kay Santa Commercial

    Aww, isn't that cute? Santa is buying Mrs. Claus something from Kay Jewelers. How sweet. Not.

    This is the worst Kay commercial ever, simply because it's so unbelievably fake. Everyone knows that the Santas at the mall are fat, drunken, rude slobs (as seen on Married with Children). So, here's how a conversation between a mall Santa and a Kay Jewelers clerk would have gone down:

    Kay Guy: Taking a quick break?

    Santa: Wuzzz yewww meaannnn quick brrreeakk?

    Kay Guy: Look, Santa, I'm not in charge of the mall, but I'm going to have to report you. This is the eighth time you've been here today. You haven't bought anything, and you just drool all over the counter. You even puked in our trash can an hour ago. I don't know if I can take much more of this.

    Santa: Why yewwww alwayzzz yellinnnn?

    Kay Guy: Why do you always show up to work drunk out of your mind? Having kids sit on your lap for eight hours can't be that bad.

    Santa: Nooooo! No more kizzzzz! I don't want to hear frrrrom anmore kizzzzz!!!

    Kay Guy: Whatever, Santa. Are you actually going to buy something this time?

    Santa: Yeeeeaaahh I wannnn buy somthnnnnn ferrrr somunnn verrrr spesshull.

    Kay Guy: Oohh, think this will get Mrs. Claus to let you back in the house again?

    Santa: Yeah I'm tirrrud of sleepunn in my car.

    So, Drunk Santa spends $299.99 on a cheap ring. Hours later, he arrives home after barely escaping a DUI.

    Mrs. Claus: There you are, Chris! Do you know what time it is? Where have you been?

    Santa: I bought yeewww a prezzzunt.

    Mrs. Claus: Really? Oh, what could it be?

    Santa: Oh mannnnn...

    Mrs. Claus: What? What is it?

    Santa: I ferrrgot I gambullled it awaayy on the horsessss.

    Mrs. Claus: Not again! First, your paycheck, now my Christmas present! How many things are you going to gamble away?

    Santa: But the guy tolllll me number seefun wuzzz suppozzz taah winnnn.

    Mrs. Claus: That's it, Chris! Not only am I not giving you a hand job tonight; I'm calling my divorce attorney!

    See? If Valentine's Day is vile enough to split apart Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, how does anyone else stand a chance? I say we band together and eliminate Valentine's Day before it's too late.

    Leave a comment

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    Wharthog 02-14-2011 01:54 pm xxx.xxx.xxx4.23 (total posts: 1)
    14     12

    The worst part about Valentine's Day for guys in relationships is the pressure of trying to top last year's present. Where did this pressure come from and why must we stand under the weight of this ridiculous pressure? Thanks for your time.
    Saint Valentine 02-14-2011 12:44 pm xxx.xxx.xxx9.33 (total posts: 1)
    12     12

    Why do you refuse to by jewelry and candy to celebrate my martrydom? I was fed to the lions so that Christianity could spread throughout ancient Rome!

    Clearly that should be celebrated with roses and sexy time.
    Darrell 02-14-2011 09:08 am xxx.xxx.xxx0.72 (total posts: 1)
    15     12

    You forgot one group that also is oppressed by Valentine's Day:

    The single person that has to listen and watch these happy couples making out and bragging loudly about how much they love each other, even more so than other days.
    Walter 02-14-2011 01:50 am xxx.xxx.xxx9.63 (total posts: 1)
    12     12

    First comment... we're going to have comment boards like this all over the site soon. We're still working out the kinks, so this is not the finished product.



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    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Free Agents - April 19


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


    2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 16


    Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


    2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 26


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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