JERK OF THE WEEK: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Valentine's Day needs to go. I'm serious. I'm sick and tired of this damn holiday, and as a human race, I believe we need to band together and decide that none of us are going to celebrate this miserable holiday anymore.
Excluding rich, stuck-up women and Hallmark, who benefits from Valentine's Day? Let's take a look at every other demographic to see why Valentine's Day sucks for them:
Men in relationships have it the worst. Not only do they have to spend time thinking about what their woman wants; they have to save up tons of money and pray to God that their significant other doesn't hate their gift.
And what's the best-case scenario? Some Valentine's Day sex? Terrific. You could have paid a hooker on the corner $20 for that. Instead, you spent thousands of dollars on an overpriced piece of jewelry that was responsible for the deaths of 50 African miners.
Poor women are cheated too. They get to watch other women - whether it's wealthy friends or fictional characters in commercials - receive expensive jewelry from their rich boyfriends or husbands. Unfortunately, all poor women get is a ring from a Cracker Jack box and/or a dinner out at Taco Bell.
On second thought, I wish I were a poor woman. I love Cracker Jacks and Taco Bell NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Kids have it tough as well. When I was a kid, we would always exchange Valentine's Day cards at school. This was always stressful for me: "Should I give a Valentine's Day card to this cute girl I have a crush on?" "What should I write?" "Will she give me a Valentine's Day card?" "What will she write?" "Oh no, the fat girl is giving me a Valentine's Day card!!! Ahhhh!!!!"
Old people are senile, of course, so they don't know what's going on. One of their kids will give them a cute Valentine's Day present, however, leading the old person to think, "Who is this person, and why is she giving me a red bear with a heart on it!? Leave me alone so I can watch Matlock in peace, damn it!"
Again, rich, stuck-up women who care about jewelry are the only ones who gain something from Valentine's Day. However, they, along with everyone else, have to suffer through nauseating Zales and Kay Jewelers commercials.
Last Valentine's Day, I made fun of some of the worst Kay Jewelers commercials. I had a lot of fun doing it and I received positive feedback, so why not keep the tradition alive?
The premise of this commercial is pretty simple - a kid sees his mom kiss her poor sap of a husband after he spent two months of his salary on a useless piece of jewelry for her. This kid then gets a brilliant idea to construct a counterfeit piece of jewelry for the little girl down the street.
That's great, kid. There are only a couple of flaws with your plan:
1. Your dad worked his butt off to drop six grand for your mom. Coloring in a few letters isn't going to cut it. You need to get a job so you can afford a real piece of jewelry for your woman.
Don't think anyone's going to hire you because you're too young? I'm not buying it. I guarantee that you could land a full-time gig with a drug conglomerate in the slums of your city. I saw it on the Wire. All you have to do is deliver crack to your customers, and then some dudes named Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale will pat you on the head and give you wads of cash. You'll be able to buy that girl a real diamond pendant in no time.
2. The girl is too young, man. She's not old enough to be impressed by an overpriced piece of jewelry yet. If you want to date girls your age, I suggest you buy them a Barbie doll or something.
But you should aim higher and older. After you earn enough drug money, buy a diamond necklace for your babysitter or hot teacher. She'll be overwhelmed by your manliness and put out in no time.
Unfortunately, all this kid got was a peck on the cheek from the fat girl a few doors down. And in real life, he wouldn't even get that. Here's how the end of this commercial would have gone down if it were happening for real:
Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.
Mandy: Thank you! But I'm not kissing you because boys have cooties!
Charlie: Are you f***ing kidding me? I was expecting a blow job at the very least, but you won't even kiss me!? F*** you, b***h!!!
That's one scenario. Here's another:
Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.
Mandy: Umm... you colored in my name and gave me a counterfeit piece of jewelry? Are you f***ing kidding me?
Charlie: But I like you, Mandy!
Mandy: Get real, loser. Craig got me a diamond necklace. Billy got me a diamond bracelet. If you want a kiss from me, I want diamond rings, pronto!
Charlie: But... but... I don't have a job and I can't afford those things!
Mandy: No s*** you can't afford them. Why don't you go down to the corner and start selling them drugs so you can buy me those diamond earrings? Well, what are you waiting for? Chop chop!
This girl is fat, so let's make this conversation a tad more realistic...
Charlie: Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy.
Mandy: I WANT YUM-YUMS, YOU GIVE ME YUM-YUMS?
Charlie: No, but I colored your name in and got you something from Kay Jewelers!
Mandy: YUM-YUM FROM KAY JEWELER? CAN ME EAT YUM-YUM FROM KAY JEWELER!?
Charlie: No... you can wear it around your neck though.
Mandy: YOU NO BUY ME YUM-YUM SO ME EAT YOU INSTEAD NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Call me crazy, but I'd rather peddle drugs than get eaten by a fat girl any day.
Kay has been running this commercial ad nauseum, but the only place I could find it was Kay's Web site.
In this ad, three men of different races are proposing to their girlfriends. Or at least that's what I think they're doing. They're all speaking different languages without subtitles, so one can only guess what they're saying. Here's my take:
Asian Guy: Would you like to do math problems with me tonight? They're very complicated, and some of them feature triple integrals.
Mexican Guy: I have found safe passage to America. My fourth cousin has a ranch in Arizona. He said he will smuggle us into America, but we have to lie in the back of his truck and cover ourselves with cow manure so the border patrol doesn't detect us.
White Guy: Woman, we both have blond hair and blue eyes. We, the people of the Aryan race, shall destroy all those who oppose us!
Just kidding. I know the white guy didn't say that because he spoke English.
Unfortunately, all three men were conned into buying something called a Leo Diamond. What is a Leo Diamond you ask? Well, according to my research - i.e. the thinking I did while on the toilet seat - the Leo Diamond was discovered by an African miner named Leo. Leo found this sparkling diamond buried deep in an African mineshaft one day after he was buried in a cave-in.
When Leo finally reached the surface after three days of digging himself out, he raised the diamond in the air and exclaimed, "Leo Diamond!" Seconds later, Leo was shot and killed by an angry white guy, also named Leo, who sold it and made a fortune.
So, to the three whores in this commercial, congratulations - African Leo's blood is on your hands. Or on your finger, to be more precise.
All right, so we've discussed what the men are saying in this commercial. What about the women? Here are my best guesses:
Asian Woman: What in the world could "dong dong" mean? In English, it could translate to: "The answer to your calculus problem is X to the 12th power divided by Y to the Z power."
Mexican Woman: I've heard Mexican people use the word "si" a lot. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue as to what this mysterious two-letter word could possible translate to. It's either "Let's go to Taco Bell and order five tacos" (sounds like a good idea to me) or "I agree that your plan to sneak into America by covering ourselves with cow manure is a grand idea."
White Woman: Women never mean what they say. By replying "yes," this tramp probably means: "Let us begin by eliminating all other races - us, blond-hair, blue-eyed people shall rule Earth!"
Again, I'm just kidding. The white woman really means, "Yes, I will ruin your entire life by constantly weighing you down and nagging you to death until you die at the age of 50, and then everything you have worked for in your life shall be mine! Muhahahahaha!"
You know, I'm not sure which of the white woman's responses is worse.
Aww, isn't that cute? Santa is buying Mrs. Claus something from Kay Jewelers. How sweet. Not.
This is the worst Kay commercial ever, simply because it's so unbelievably fake. Everyone knows that the Santas at the mall are fat, drunken, rude slobs (as seen on Married with Children). So, here's how a conversation between a mall Santa and a Kay Jewelers clerk would have gone down:
Kay Guy: Taking a quick break?
Santa: Wuzzz yewww meaannnn quick brrreeakk?
Kay Guy: Look, Santa, I'm not in charge of the mall, but I'm going to have to report you. This is the eighth time you've been here today. You haven't bought anything, and you just drool all over the counter. You even puked in our trash can an hour ago. I don't know if I can take much more of this.
Santa: Why yewwww alwayzzz yellinnnn?
Kay Guy: Why do you always show up to work drunk out of your mind? Having kids sit on your lap for eight hours can't be that bad.
Santa: Nooooo! No more kizzzzz! I don't want to hear frrrrom anmore kizzzzz!!!
Kay Guy: Whatever, Santa. Are you actually going to buy something this time?
Santa: Yeeeeaaahh I wannnn buy somthnnnnn ferrrr somunnn verrrr spesshull.
Kay Guy: Oohh, think this will get Mrs. Claus to let you back in the house again?
Santa: Yeah I'm tirrrud of sleepunn in my car.
So, Drunk Santa spends $299.99 on a cheap ring. Hours later, he arrives home after barely escaping a DUI.
Mrs. Claus: There you are, Chris! Do you know what time it is? Where have you been?
Santa: I bought yeewww a prezzzunt.
Mrs. Claus: Really? Oh, what could it be?
Santa: Oh mannnnn...
Mrs. Claus: What? What is it?
Santa: I ferrrgot I gambullled it awaayy on the horsessss.
Mrs. Claus: Not again! First, your paycheck, now my Christmas present! How many things are you going to gamble away?
Santa: But the guy tolllll me number seefun wuzzz suppozzz taah winnnn.
Mrs. Claus: That's it, Chris! Not only am I not giving you a hand job tonight; I'm calling my divorce attorney!
See? If Valentine's Day is vile enough to split apart Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, how does anyone else stand a chance? I say we band together and eliminate Valentine's Day before it's too late.