Christmas is over, so hopefully you all got what you wanted - whether that's a new video game, clothes or porno tapes. I'm willing to bet, however, that you didn't get a $40,000 car for the holidays.
You probably know where I'm going with this. If you've watched any TV at all in the past month, you've likely been bombarded with the Lexus December to Remember Sales Event commercials.
If you live in a cave and have no access to a television, I'll break them down later. But the overall premise is that a man or a woman buys his or her spouse an expensive Lexus with a massive red bow tied on top. The same annoying guy goes, "Let's be honest... no one ever wished for a smaller holiday gift." Really? What if some dude's wife wants jewelry, and he gets her a refrigerator instead? Unless this is Rosie O'Donnell we're talking about here, the woman's not going to be very happy.
I never understood these stupid commercials. They don't benefit anyone outside of gold-digging whores married to rich, old guys:
If a rich man is watching this, he's thinking, "Ah crap, my wife's going to see this commercial, and she's going to expect a fancy car for Christmas. Now I'm going to have to spend a ton of money on her instead of buying a seventh yacht for myself. Stupid, gold-digging b****!"
If a middle-class man is watching this, he's thinking, "I guess I can get my wife a Lexus to make her think that I'm the best husband ever. Unfortunately, I'll be paying off this car for the next 30 years. Hell, I probably won't be able to afford to make payments in five years. I may have to resort to turning tricks on the corner to pay for my wife's new car. Thanks Lexus, you f***ing a**holes."
If a poor man is watching this, he's thinking, "Where the hell am I gonna get 40 grand to buy a car? I can barely afford public transportation!"
If a good-looking woman is watching this, she's thinking, "Haha, they expect me to get my husband a car? All I have to do is buy lingerie for myself, and he'll be happy." (Which is true.)
If a fat woman is watching this, she's thinking, "CAR COMMERCIAL BORING ME WANT TO SEE DORITO OR KFC COMMERCIAL NOM NOM NOM NOM."
If a rich kid is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Silly peons! My fatha and motha have 20 cars like these. They should advertise people giving each other country clubs for Christmas!"
If a poor kid is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Why do these people have such nice cars and my parents don't? Our Dodge can't even make it out of the driveway! I hate my parents for being poor!"
If an old person is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Weh? Who am I? What's that on the TV? A car? Ha! In my day, shonny, we rode in a carriage. And when it wash cold, we had to walk in the shnow 15 milesh uphill both waysh. Weh? Where am I?"
See? These car commercials benefit no one. They insult the poor people who can't afford to drop 40 grand on an expensive car, and they force the rich to overpay for their greedy spouse.
But I'd like to break down these crappy commercials individually. As I did with the Kay Jewelry commercials prior to Valentine's Day, I'm going to post the YouTube video, comment on it, and then reenact the commercial as if it happened in real life.
The first thing you may notice about this specific commercial is that it received only 41 likes to 96 dislikes on YouTube. Yet, the other commercials I'm going to post later had way more likes than dislikes.
Are the racist YouTube viewers angry that a hot white chick married a black dude, or are they just feeling completely insulted by this horrible commercial? I'm willing to say both, but I think we can now confirm that the members of the KKK have access to YouTube.
At any rate, I understand that this house has a huge chimney, but how did that woman get the car down the chimney? She had to hire some company that specializes in this sort of thing, which must have cost thousands of dollars on top of what she spent on that Lexus.
And when did this woman move the car into the house anyway? Her husband is dressed like he just woke up, so how did he not notice a car in his living room before he went to bed? Did he come home from work completely drunk and go, "Heyyzzz wazzzz thaa carrr doiinnnn in myyy livvvinnn roooommm?"
Unfortunately, we'll never know because these people don't say anything in the commercial. So let's give them some voices:
Husband: Damn woman, why you gettin' me out of bed at 6 a.m.? I just drank myself into oblivion last night, and I have the biggest hangover ever.
Wife: Teehee, I have a present to show you!
Husband: Oh man, disgusting cookies and stale milk that's been out all night. I think I'm going to vomit. BLAH! You better clean up that puke later, woman.
Wife: It's OK, I have a great present for you in the living room!
*** Husband sees car. ***
Husband: Oh s***, the car I saw in the living room last night was real. I thought I was seein' things because I had 20 shots with my hot secretar... I mean... with the fellas last night.
Wife: Do you like it? I spent $40,000 on it, and about $10,000 more to get the car into the living room!
Husband: You what!? How did you afford this?
Wife: I used your credit card, silly!
Husband: Nooooo!!!! Whoa, wait... how am I going to get this car out of my house?
Wife: Hmm... that's a good question. I guess I didn't think that part through.
I think we can refer to this video as the "That's What She Said Commercial."
Seriously, who writes this crap? It would have to be some old women who are out of touch with reality, right? If Michael Scott saw this commercial, he'd probably have a seizure.
And I think every male reading this can agree that the dad in this commercial is a douche bag. Instead of doing his part to help us men teach women that size doesn't matter, he's coaching his daughter to go for the biggest one out there. In 15 years, she's going to be some tramp dating basketball players and rappers with foot-long shlongs.
Of course, maybe the dad is gay - not that there's anything wrong with that - and is simply compensating for being married to a woman (who really looks like the Jewish chick in the first season of Mad Men) by finding the biggest one out there himself. So perhaps he's accidentally turning his daughter into a slut. If he's not doing this on purpose, I'd like to apologize to this drag queen.
OK, so let's turn this fictional commercial into reality:
Daughter: How about this one?
Gay Father: Jeeezth Chritthh that's juth not big enough!!!!
Daughter: But daddy, mommy said that size doesn't matter.
Gay Father: Like oh my God, I can't believe she said that jeeezzz!!!
Daughter: This one!? This one!? This one?
Gay Father: Oh jeezzzzth oh jeeezzzth!!! That's like thuper big, but daddy needth a bigger one, Jeeezth Chritth!
Daughter: But it's the biggest one here...
Gay Father: Daddy knowth where to get the biggeth one! Big Gay Al'th Christmas Tree Outlet!
*** Later, Mother sees the car and tree. ***
Mother: Oh my... look at that tree! And look at that car! Thanks, honey!
Gay Father: The only thing that could make thith better is if I could thtick that tree up my rear end Jeeezzth Chrith!!!
BANG. BANG. BANG. Could you be any louder, dude? And please get a new wife. What mother wouldn't either go outside or call the cops upon hearing loud noises coming from her roof? What if murderers, child molesters or Al-Aqeda were up there? Don't you want to protect your kids?
I guess her family convinced her that she was just hearing things. So with that in mind, let's give these crappy people some voices:
*** BANG, BANG, BANG ***
Mother: What's that? Quick, Tiffany, hide while I call 911!
Daughter: What's wrong, mommy?
Mother: That loud noise! You don't hear it?
Daughter: No, mommy.
*** An hour later... ***
Mother: Did you hear a noise outside?
Son: No, mom. Of course not, or we would have called the cops.
Mother: But... but... it was so loud.
Father: I'm sure it was nothing. I didn't hear anything either.
Mother: No... I... I swear I heard noises!
Daughter: There were no noises mommy!
Mother: But wait... I'm hearing them again - echoing in my head! That banging is not stopping!
Son: Mom, are you OK?
Mother: BANG! There it is again! Ha! You're all crazy! All of you!
Dad: Son, get me the Yellow Pages. I need to make a call...
*** The following morning... ***
Mother: A car! But it's so... ugly... Let's get inside the house quickly before the noises start again!
Dad: Why don't you get in the car, sweetie? We can drive away to a safer place.
Mother: That's a good idea. BANG! Oh no, the noises are coming again! Ahhh!!!!
Dad: Kids, your grandmother should be here soon to watch over you. I'll be back in a few hours after I drop mommy off at the mental hospital.
As you can probably tell, I'm thrilled Christmas is over. Sure, it's a happy time of year, but we won't have to deal with these dumb Lexus commercials for another 11 months.
Unfortunately, Valentine's Day is right around the corner - and if I see enough Kay commercials, I could be joining that woman in the mental institution.