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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 27, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK: Christmas Lexus Commercials

Christmas is over, so hopefully you all got what you wanted - whether that's a new video game, clothes or porno tapes. I'm willing to bet, however, that you didn't get a $40,000 car for the holidays.

You probably know where I'm going with this. If you've watched any TV at all in the past month, you've likely been bombarded with the Lexus December to Remember Sales Event commercials.

If you live in a cave and have no access to a television, I'll break them down later. But the overall premise is that a man or a woman buys his or her spouse an expensive Lexus with a massive red bow tied on top. The same annoying guy goes, "Let's be honest... no one ever wished for a smaller holiday gift." Really? What if some dude's wife wants jewelry, and he gets her a refrigerator instead? Unless this is Rosie O'Donnell we're talking about here, the woman's not going to be very happy.

I never understood these stupid commercials. They don't benefit anyone outside of gold-digging whores married to rich, old guys:

  • If a rich man is watching this, he's thinking, "Ah crap, my wife's going to see this commercial, and she's going to expect a fancy car for Christmas. Now I'm going to have to spend a ton of money on her instead of buying a seventh yacht for myself. Stupid, gold-digging b****!"

  • If a middle-class man is watching this, he's thinking, "I guess I can get my wife a Lexus to make her think that I'm the best husband ever. Unfortunately, I'll be paying off this car for the next 30 years. Hell, I probably won't be able to afford to make payments in five years. I may have to resort to turning tricks on the corner to pay for my wife's new car. Thanks Lexus, you f***ing a**holes."

  • If a poor man is watching this, he's thinking, "Where the hell am I gonna get 40 grand to buy a car? I can barely afford public transportation!"

  • If a good-looking woman is watching this, she's thinking, "Haha, they expect me to get my husband a car? All I have to do is buy lingerie for myself, and he'll be happy." (Which is true.)

  • If a fat woman is watching this, she's thinking, "CAR COMMERCIAL BORING ME WANT TO SEE DORITO OR KFC COMMERCIAL NOM NOM NOM NOM."

  • If a rich kid is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Silly peons! My fatha and motha have 20 cars like these. They should advertise people giving each other country clubs for Christmas!"

  • If a poor kid is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Why do these people have such nice cars and my parents don't? Our Dodge can't even make it out of the driveway! I hate my parents for being poor!"

  • If an old person is watching this, he or she is thinking, "Weh? Who am I? What's that on the TV? A car? Ha! In my day, shonny, we rode in a carriage. And when it wash cold, we had to walk in the shnow 15 milesh uphill both waysh. Weh? Where am I?"

    See? These car commercials benefit no one. They insult the poor people who can't afford to drop 40 grand on an expensive car, and they force the rich to overpay for their greedy spouse.

    But I'd like to break down these crappy commercials individually. As I did with the Kay Jewelry commercials prior to Valentine's Day, I'm going to post the YouTube video, comment on it, and then reenact the commercial as if it happened in real life.


    Lexus Chimney Commercial

    The first thing you may notice about this specific commercial is that it received only 41 likes to 96 dislikes on YouTube. Yet, the other commercials I'm going to post later had way more likes than dislikes.

    Are the racist YouTube viewers angry that a hot white chick married a black dude, or are they just feeling completely insulted by this horrible commercial? I'm willing to say both, but I think we can now confirm that the members of the KKK have access to YouTube.

    At any rate, I understand that this house has a huge chimney, but how did that woman get the car down the chimney? She had to hire some company that specializes in this sort of thing, which must have cost thousands of dollars on top of what she spent on that Lexus.

    And when did this woman move the car into the house anyway? Her husband is dressed like he just woke up, so how did he not notice a car in his living room before he went to bed? Did he come home from work completely drunk and go, "Heyyzzz wazzzz thaa carrr doiinnnn in myyy livvvinnn roooommm?"

    Unfortunately, we'll never know because these people don't say anything in the commercial. So let's give them some voices:

    Husband: Damn woman, why you gettin' me out of bed at 6 a.m.? I just drank myself into oblivion last night, and I have the biggest hangover ever.

    Wife: Teehee, I have a present to show you!

    Husband: Oh man, disgusting cookies and stale milk that's been out all night. I think I'm going to vomit. BLAH! You better clean up that puke later, woman.

    Wife: It's OK, I have a great present for you in the living room!

    *** Husband sees car. ***

    Husband: Oh s***, the car I saw in the living room last night was real. I thought I was seein' things because I had 20 shots with my hot secretar... I mean... with the fellas last night.

    Wife: Do you like it? I spent $40,000 on it, and about $10,000 more to get the car into the living room!

    Husband: You what!? How did you afford this?

    Wife: I used your credit card, silly!

    Husband: Nooooo!!!! Whoa, wait... how am I going to get this car out of my house?

    Wife: Hmm... that's a good question. I guess I didn't think that part through.

    Husband: You idiot!!!





    Lexus Tree Commercial (Thanks to e-mailer Matt S. for this and the next link)

    I think we can refer to this video as the "That's What She Said Commercial."

    Seriously, who writes this crap? It would have to be some old women who are out of touch with reality, right? If Michael Scott saw this commercial, he'd probably have a seizure.

    And I think every male reading this can agree that the dad in this commercial is a douche bag. Instead of doing his part to help us men teach women that size doesn't matter, he's coaching his daughter to go for the biggest one out there. In 15 years, she's going to be some tramp dating basketball players and rappers with foot-long shlongs.

    Of course, maybe the dad is gay - not that there's anything wrong with that - and is simply compensating for being married to a woman (who really looks like the Jewish chick in the first season of Mad Men) by finding the biggest one out there himself. So perhaps he's accidentally turning his daughter into a slut. If he's not doing this on purpose, I'd like to apologize to this drag queen.

    OK, so let's turn this fictional commercial into reality:

    Daughter: How about this one?

    Gay Father: Jeeezth Chritthh that's juth not big enough!!!!

    Daughter: But daddy, mommy said that size doesn't matter.

    Gay Father: Like oh my God, I can't believe she said that jeeezzz!!!

    Daughter: This one!? This one!? This one?

    Gay Father: Oh jeezzzzth oh jeeezzzth!!! That's like thuper big, but daddy needth a bigger one, Jeeezth Chritth!

    Daughter: But it's the biggest one here...

    Gay Father: Daddy knowth where to get the biggeth one! Big Gay Al'th Christmas Tree Outlet!

    *** Later, Mother sees the car and tree. ***

    Mother: Oh my... look at that tree! And look at that car! Thanks, honey!

    Gay Father: The only thing that could make thith better is if I could thtick that tree up my rear end Jeeezzth Chrith!!!

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.




    Lexus Stocking Commercial

    BANG. BANG. BANG. Could you be any louder, dude? And please get a new wife. What mother wouldn't either go outside or call the cops upon hearing loud noises coming from her roof? What if murderers, child molesters or Al-Aqeda were up there? Don't you want to protect your kids?

    I guess her family convinced her that she was just hearing things. So with that in mind, let's give these crappy people some voices:

    *** BANG, BANG, BANG ***

    Mother: What's that? Quick, Tiffany, hide while I call 911!

    Daughter: What's wrong, mommy?

    Mother: That loud noise! You don't hear it?

    Daughter: No, mommy.

    *** An hour later... ***

    Mother: Did you hear a noise outside?

    Son: No, mom. Of course not, or we would have called the cops.

    Mother: But... but... it was so loud.

    Father: I'm sure it was nothing. I didn't hear anything either.

    Mother: No... I... I swear I heard noises!

    Daughter: There were no noises mommy!

    Mother: But wait... I'm hearing them again - echoing in my head! That banging is not stopping!

    Son: Mom, are you OK?

    Mother: BANG! There it is again! Ha! You're all crazy! All of you!

    Dad: Son, get me the Yellow Pages. I need to make a call...

    *** The following morning... ***

    Mother: A car! But it's so... ugly... Let's get inside the house quickly before the noises start again!

    Dad: Why don't you get in the car, sweetie? We can drive away to a safer place.

    Mother: That's a good idea. BANG! Oh no, the noises are coming again! Ahhh!!!!

    Dad: Kids, your grandmother should be here soon to watch over you. I'll be back in a few hours after I drop mommy off at the mental hospital.

    As you can probably tell, I'm thrilled Christmas is over. Sure, it's a happy time of year, but we won't have to deal with these dumb Lexus commercials for another 11 months.

    Unfortunately, Valentine's Day is right around the corner - and if I see enough Kay commercials, I could be joining that woman in the mental institution.

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    Matt 12-27-2010 12:20 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.162 (total posts: 1)
    26     26

    Not to mention in the third commercial, The front door is RIGHT NEXT TO the garage, and if she didn't see that on the way outside, she probably has more trouble seeing than Hellen Keller, which also means she never saw the car when the stocking was lifted, or the women her husband brings home on a nightly basis, which is probably why he bought her the car in the first place, even though she can't drive it.

    "Not that there's anything wrong with that"
    Russ 12-27-2010 11:49 am xxx.xxx.xxx.168 (total posts: 1)
    11     11

    I would comment on this, but I'm too busy spinning pens in my hand before a sign and drive a Volkswagon.
    Jason 12-27-2010 11:02 am xxx.xxx.xxx.185 (total posts: 1)
    11     12

    Water, as usual, you're dead-on. I hate these commercials, and I always wonder what kind of people actually buy Lexus' for each other for Christmas. If my wife got me a Lexus for Christmas, after I asked her how many guys she did to make the money to afford a gift like that, I'd immediately take it back and demand a car made by a US car maker!
    hagebutte 12-27-2010 07:47 am xxx.xxx.xxx.131 (total posts: 1)
    11     12

    to bad we dont have these commercials in germany.... but we have some pretty annoying ones too
    David 12-27-2010 06:29 am xxx.xxx.xxx.190 (total posts: 1)
    12     11

    Can't help but agree with this Jerk of the Week. I get sick of watching this crap so many times especially when I watch highlights on NFL.com
    Walter 12-27-2010 05:41 am xxx.xxx.xxx9.63 (total posts: 2)
    11     11

    First comment... we're going to have comment boards like this all over the site soon. We're still working out the kinks, so this is not the finished product.



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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    Fantasy Football Rankings - July 22


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - June 10


    NFL Free Agents


    NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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