Disclaimer: These are not real interviews. They are purely satire. They were featured weekly in my NFL Power Rankings.
Andy Reid benched Donovan McNabb and was heavily criticized for doing so. Reid was eager to talk to me to explain his actions.
ME: Andy, since I interviewed you two weeks ago, you tied the Bengals and benched your franchise quarterback. Things haven't gone well. I appreciate you joining me at such a tough time.
REID: "Uhh... no problem, Walt. Umm... let's make this quick because I, uhh, have five consecutive reservations at different restaurants, and umm... I'd like to, uhh, get to Wendy's before it closes. Hem, hem. Time's yours."
ME: Yeah, we can do that. First, let me ask about the benching. Did you really think that was warranted when you were down only 10-7?
REID: "Uhh... umm... hem, hem... uhh... you need to take, uhh, an inch backward to move forward a mile."
ME: A mile? Benching your quarterback and losing by 30 is going to move you forward a mile? How does that work? And why didn't you tell McNabb you were going to bench him? Why did you send one of your stooges to do this?
"That's uhh... something I, uhh, need to, umm, work on..."
ME: I would agree with you there. Your people skills suck. But so does your play-calling. Why did your team have to take a delay penalty in the no-huddle on the third play of the Baltimore contest? I've never seen a team take a delay of game in the no-huddle offense. How does that happen?
REID: "I, uhh, would like the, uhh, rib-eye steak as an appetizer, and umm, chicken fingers for uhh, my second appetizer, and uhh, no wait, uhh... mozzarella sticks first then... uhh..."
ME: Andy, you're not at the restaurant yet!
REID: "Hem, hem... uhh... scratch the mozzarella sticks. I'll get those later. Give me, uhh, a bacon cheeseburger as my first appetizer then, uhh, the steak second. Umm... no, that's not right. I need a timeout! Timeout! Timeout!"
ME: I'm guessing this interview is over, Andy? Andy! Andy! Stop drooling all over my notes!