2009 Fantasy Football Draft: The Worst Fantasy Draft Ever
Aug. 27, 2009.
A year ago, I posted the Worst 2008 Fantasy Football Draft Ever on the site, and it became a hit. If you're too lazy to click the link, the draft was comprised of owners taking backup kickers and players who were no longer in the league like Shaun Alexander.
My posting that also sparked the commissioner of that league to post an angry rant in the forum.
One of the league owners, Bo-Bo, became an instant WalterFootball.com celebrity, as some of his draft picks included Tony Romo (2nd round), Laveranues Coles (4th round), Kevin Curtis (6th round), Adam Vinatieri (10th round), Shaun Alexander (14th round) and Josh Scobee, a backup kicker (15th round). Bo-Bo also avoided taking a running back until Round 7. Whoops!
Well, this league drafted again on Tuesday, Aug. 25. Once again, I'll post the crappy picks and make fun of them. Hopefully the league commissioner's rant will be a bit shorter this time.
Also, be sure to check out my other 2009 Fantasy Football articles, which will include rankings, sleepers, busts, cheat sheets and other things.
Unfortunately, I have bad news to report. My contact in the league sent me some wrong information, so I had Bo-Bo's team all wrong. The guy I thought was Bo-Bo wasn't really Bo-Bo. So here is Bo-Bo's starting lineup: QB: Trent Edwards (6th-round pick); RB1: Michael Turner; RB2: Frank Gore; WR1: Terrell Owens; WR2: Kevin Curtis (ouch); WR3: Joey Galloway (LOL); TE: Chris Cooley; DEF: Minnesota; K: David Akers (12th-round pick).
1.02: Cookie - Larry Fitzgerald WR
1.07: Phat Hair Bro - Tom Brady QB
1.09 AlbyFree - Brian Westbrook RB
Cookie? What kind of a team name is Cookie? Is this Sally Struthers? Rosie O'Donnell? Did she get crumbs all over the running back section of her fantasy mag and settle for Larry Fitzgerald?
The Tom Brady pick really amazes me. Last year, when Brady was coming off his 50-touchdown season, he was not drafted in Round 1. This year, with Brady off knee surgery, Phat Hair Bro decides to take him with the No. 7 overall selection. Gotta love the logic there.
I'd say AlbyFree is a homer, but with LeSean McCoy tearing it up, many Eagle fans are losing faith in Brian Westbrook, who's coming off ankle surgery. My explanation for this pick is that AlbyFree is drafting out of a 2008 fantasy mag.
2.05: The General - Steve Slaton
I'm sad that there's nothing to make fun of in this round. Even Bo-Bo's two selections (Maurice Jones-Drew and Drew Brees) are pretty solid. The Cookie, meanwhile, went with Marion Barber. It's a good thing Miss O'Donnell had 20 selections to wipe the crumbs off her fantasy mag.
I'm shocked Steve Slaton fell into the second round. Utterly shocked.
3.02: Cookie - Clinton Portis RB
3.04: Bo-Bo - Brandon Marshall WR
3.07: Phat Hair Bro - Tony Gonzalez TE
NOM NOM NOM COOKIE WANT CLINTON PORTIS NOM NOM NOM.
I'm convinced Miss O'Donnell threatened to eat everyone at the draft if they took Portis. That's obviously how he lasted this long.
Bo-Bo makes his first crappy pick! In all fairness, Marshall could have a big year if he learns the playbook, avoids being suspended, kisses Josh Mishandles' rear end and gets a great year out of Kyle Orton. It's all about drafting for upside in Round 3.
Tony Gonzalez? Round 3? The sad thing is, this is one of Phat Hair Bro's better picks. Stay tuned.
4.05: The General - Kurt Warner QB
4.06: Phat Hair Bro - Thomas Jones RB
4.07: Spooge - Lance Moore WR
I'm just listing Kurt Warner because I'm still pissed off that the crappy NFL.com fantasy computer gave me a 38-year-old quarterback coming off hip surgery in yesterday's fantasy draft. The Warner pick is bad, but not nearly as bad as...
Thomas Jones in Round 4! Sure, let's ignore the fact that the Jets gave Leon Washington a ton of money and spent their entire second-day draft to get Shonn Greene. Jones will be a great RB1 on Phat Hair Bro's team. Hey, at least he didn't wait until Round 7 to draft his first running back.
Lance Moore in Round 8 is a mild reach. Lance Moore in Round 4 is borderline insane. I'll give Spooge the benefit of the doubt here and say that he wanted Kevin Smith, but got confused and clicked on Moore's name by accident.
5.07: Phat Hair Bro - Willie Parker RB
Phat Hair Bro now has Tony Gonzalez, Thomas Jones and Willie Parker as Round 3-5 picks. What is this, 2006? I think Phat Hair Bro is caught in a time vortex of some sort. Perhaps that's his plan - maybe he's traveling back in time to tell himself not to get into this league so Cookie won't eat him. That's the only reasonable explanation I have here.
6.01: The Iron Fist - Bernard Berrian WR
6.06: Phat Hair Bro - Steelers Defense
6.10: Muddy Mudskipper - Trent Edwards QB
Quick, someone remind Phat Hair Bro that fantasy football is not like golf! The lowest score does not win, Phat Hair Bro!
I'm giving the Iron Fist the thumbs down because he asked me whom he should draft between Bernard Berrian, Kevin Smith and Ray Rice. I told him Smith, Rice and Berrian in that order. Thanks for listening, jerk.
As a reference, Trent Edwards was taken before Carson Palmer, Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, David Garrard and Jay Cutler. Call me crazy, but I don't think Muddy Mudskipper's strategy of drafting crappy quarterbacks over good ones will pan out.
7.04: Bo-Bo - Larry Johnson RB
7.07: Phat Hair Bro - Steve Breaston WR
To put this in perspective, Steve Breaston is Phat Hair Bro's second receiver. Breaston's not even the second receiver on his team!
And by the way, credit Bo-Bo for sharpening his fantasy skills. This is only the second horrible pick of his I've listed in seven rounds. Unfortunately, Bo-Bo waited until Rounds 6-8 to draft his Nos. 2, 3 and 4 running backs (LenDale White, Johnson and Jamal Lewis). Bo-Bo went 4-10 last year. I'm projecting an impressive 6-8 record for him in 2009.
Taking the Ravens defense in Round 8 is bad, but it isn't the worst move you can make. Taking the Ravens defense in Round 8 as your BACKUP DEFENSE is pretty terrible. I guess Phat Hair Bro thought Baltimore's defense was such a bargain here that he had to take it before his third receiver (in a league that starts three wideouts).
Spooge, meanwhile, was clearly concerned that Phat Hair Bro will steal every capable NFL defense, which is why he opted for the Albert Haynesworth-less Titans here.
Oh, and bravo to Muddy Mudskipper for securing Joe Flacco, who will be his backup quarterback to Trent Edwards. The different strategies the owners employ in this league are amazing. Some draft multiple defenses in the first few rounds. Others take two crappy fantasy quarterbacks very early. A few take two or more kickers. One guy even avoids running backs until Round 7!
9.11: SS Naming Convention Co - Julius Jones RB
Only one bad pick in the middle rounds! Even Bo-Bo had a nice selection in... umm... Chris Chambers? OK, never mind.
SS Naming Convention Co has had a pretty decent draft thus far. However, it was announced earlier that day that the Seahawks signed Edgerrin James. If SS Naming Convention Co had only visited WalterFootball.com prior to this fantasy draft, he would have known and avoided Jones.
10.06: Phat Hair Bro - Muhsin Muhammad WR
10.07: Spooge - Stephen Gostkowski K
Phat Hair Bro's team is officially debacled. On the bright side, Phat Hair Bro has phat hair. Hopefully the $75 he loses in this league doesn't cost him a hair appointment.
Awesome job by Spooge to take the best fantasy kicker in Round 10. With such crappy fantasy drafters, top kickers will be flying off the board in no time. Actually, scratch that - I bet there will be a few crappy kickers taken in Round 11.
11.03: Muddy Mudskipper - David Akers K
11.05: Gotcha Green Card? - Jason Elam K
I deserve some dap because I know this league like the back of my porn collection. I seriously think Matthew Berry would be in tears if he saw the results of this fantasy draft.
12.04: AlbyFree - Kris Brown K
12.07: Spooge - Michael Crabtree WR
If I were still in this league, I'd draft kickers with all of my picks. Hey, kickers are a precious commodity in a league where owners draft two of them. I could trade David Akers for Adrian Peterson and John Carney for DeAngelo Williams. Maybe that's what Bo-Bo tried to do last year.
Oh, and why am I not shocked at all that Michael Crabtree was drafted in this league? What were the odds that he wasn't going to be drafted? 10:1? 25:1? 500:1? Chad Ochocinco is currently 85:1 on Bodog to knock out WBC Welterweight Andre Berto. I think I'd take that bet over the Crabtree not being drafted in this league prop.
13.06: Spooge - Broncos Defense
Broncos defense is an oxymoron, but at least Spooge can afford to cut them once he realizes how much they suck. After all, the Broncos are his backup defense.
Bo-Bo: Buccaneers Defense
Unfortunately for Bo-Bo, Tampa Bay is his starting defense. Bo-Bo did a great job not drafting two defenses or two kickers this year, but he ruined his great fantasy draft strategy by selecting one of the worst defenses in the NFL. That's it, I'm downgrading Bo-Bo's projected record from 6-8 to 5-9. Sorry, Bo-Bo!
15.06: Spooge - Todd Heap TE
With the last crappy pick in this fantasy draft, I'm left wondering what Spooge is going to do with Todd Heap's carcass...
1. Start Todd Heap's carcass over seventh-round pick Greg Olsen, and enjoy the one catch for seven yards.
2. Trade Todd Heap's carcass and three kickers to be determined to Bo-Bo.
3. Feed Todd Heap's carcass to Cookie. That should last Miss O'Donnell a good 15 minutes.
4. Send Todd Heap's carcass back in time with Phat Hair Bro so Phat Hair Bro can show Todd Heap what he becomes in the future. Phat Hair Bro can then use Todd Heap's tears to make his hair even more phat.
5. Tell everyone that Todd Heap's carcass is a kicker so it gets drafted in the 10th round next year.