2017 NFL Kickoff Live Blog

My Thoughts During the 2017 NFL Kickoff Live Blog – Live Updates

What is this? I’ll be posting my thoughts during the Patriots-Chiefs game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football’s back.

Feel free to post your thoughts in the comments below.

7:50: Tom Brady just took the field on TV. Mike Tirico just shouted, “The crowd erupts!” It didn’t sound like much of an eruption. Some people cheered, but most of the crowd sounded like they were going, “meh.”

7:51: I will say this: I miss Tirico on Monday Night Football. It’s a shame his talents are being wasted on NBC right now. I know he’s going to replace Al Michaels when Michaels’ contract expires, but it’s a shame. It’s like Jimmy Garoppolo being wasted on New England’s bench when he could be starting for 10 teams right now.

7:52: Ugh, not Bob Costas. Get ready, he’s going to tell us why we’re such horrible people, and why he’s better than us because he cares.

7:53: In case you’re wondering, teams that would absolutely take Garoppolo over their starter right now (excluding teams with promising rookies): Vikings, 49ers, Rams, Bills, Jets, Browns and Jaguars.

7:54: I wasn’t paying too much attention to Costas. Did he just whine about teams not being guaranteed 10 possessions each in overtime?

7:57: I was actually watching this on NFL Network. I didn’t realize NBC was covering the same thing. NBC usually airs Access Hollywood nonsense at this time. I don’t know who the hell watches that garbage. “OOOOHHH OMG SELENA GOMEZ IS HAVING A THREE-WAY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED STEVE URKEL ON FAMILY MATTERS!!! OMG SALLY STRUTHERS IS DATING MARCO RUBIO!!!!” Why the hell does anyone care about dumb celebrities?

7:59: This Miguel guy telling us that musicians sweat and grind is pretty insulting to people who actually have jobs that require sweat and grind. Miguel, whoever he may be, probably wakes up 11 a.m. each day and rolls into the recording studio in his pajamas.

8:00: Speaking of sweating and grinding, I have to post my final thoughts on this pick!

8:04: Just posted my final thoughts on my NFL Picks page. It includes an important injury that could impact the game.

8:06: I’m glad to see Joe Staley get a commercial. A crappy commercial, however, was that Verizon one with the guy from Silicon Valley. I used to watch that show with my fiancee, but she quit tuning in because of those Verizon commercials. “I hate that guy, he’s too creepy and annoying,” she’s said. I really don’t understand why Verizon would go with the least-appealing person from that show. Couldn’t they get Gilfoyle to be their spokesman?

8:08: By the way, I’m hoping I can make it through this game. I had to wake up early – speaking of sweating and grinding – and go to the dentist to get a crown put on my tooth, which I just got a root canal for. I would not recommend doing this!

8:10: That said, I’m dedicated to this live blog. I’m even going to refrain from eating dinner until the second half. See, I’m like Miguel. I sweat and I grind, even if I’m wearing the clothes I slept in last night.

8:12: Who is this guy in the Sweet Caroline car commercial, and how miserable is his life that the highlight of his day is singing that song?

8:14: You know what I just realized? There haven’t been any dumb concerts airing pre-game. I’m glad the NFL learned its lesson, which is us fat guys who love watching football don’t give a damn about horrible concerts.

8:16: Pretty cool to see Bill Belichick showing some personality. That shirt, though…

8:19: You know what would be awesome? If they killed off characters in commercials. We’ve seen this Sweet Caroline one a billion times now. What if on one occasion, it begins like it usually does, and then someone rams him off the road, and his car explodes? I would love that. My vote for the first guy to kill off is the “Can you hear me now?” douche from Sprint.

8:20: Oh, and the Silicon Valley guy, too.

8:22: Some chick named Angui Alizar just friend requested me on Facebook. She has six friends, and her picture is of her wearing a black tank top and a black bikini bottom. Seems legit.

8:24: Here is Miss Angui Alizar, who so desperately wants to be my friend:

I don’t know about you, but she appears as though she’s a big football fan like us fat guys.

8:26: I hate when they ask the analysts who’s going to win. Who cares? Ask them who’s going to cover! Then, whoever’s the hottest by Week 10 can sell his picks on NBC.com!

8:31: Poor Julian Edelman is limping around. You know what’s weird? My dad was out of the country on business a couple of weeks ago, and when he returned, he asked me if anything significant happened in football. I told him that Edelman was out for the year, and he said, “Oh, did you know he’s your fourth cousin?” He wouldn’t explain this, but I’m apparently related to Julian Edelman.

8:32: You know what I just realized? I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about Mark Wahlberg. His narrating was a bit awkward, but I found it so difficult to insult him.

8:34: Did Tom Brady just run out on the field right next to Danny Amendola? Welp, guess I know whom I’m picking up on the waiver wire early next week.

8:36: That Geico NFL ref commercial was a good one. I don’t want him killed off. Not unless he screws me out of a five-unit bet, which I have to believe will inevitably happen.

8:38: Every time they get someone to sing the national anthem, it’s always some Grammy award winner, and yet I’ve never heard of them. Not once.

8:40: That Grammy award winner chick did a good job. I can see why she won a Grammy for all of those awesome songs she must have sung.

8:42: It’s nice to see Roger Goodell overcome his cowardice by actually showing up to Foxboro for a game.

8:43: Football is underway!!!

8:44: Wow, Brady had Dwayne Allen wide open for a huge gain and missed him.

8:45: Brady’s pass reminded me of when you tap the triangle button too lightly when trying to pass downfield in Madden. But it doesn’t matter. Patriots first down.

8:46: The Chiefs can’t stop the run at all. The Patriots are getting five yards every time. This is bad.

8:47: Mike Gillislee scores, but a Nate Solder hold brings it back. New England’s getting a touchdown anyway.

8:48: Did they change the NFL rules so that a hold is a zero-yard penalty?

8:49: Like I said, the Patriots score anyway. Game over. New England is winning this 49-0.

Patriots 7, Chiefs 0

8:50: Kansas City’s defense looks awful. Phillip Gaines sucks for sure, but that doesn’t excuse not being able to stop the run at all.

8:52: How many times are they going to show this same Odell Beckham Verizon commercial? I’ve seen it four times already. Can’t big companies produce multiple commercials to keep it fresh? If I were looking for a mobile company to sign up with, I would definitely not go with Verizon based on these ads.

8:53: Kareem Hunt fumbles! Patriots ball! Game over!!!

8:55: Brady’s passes have been hit-or-miss thus far. It’s the running game that’s been killing the Chiefs.

8:56: Speaking of… James White gets a first down on a third-and-long draw.

8:57: The Chiefs get the Patriots to run a negative play! It’s a miracle!

8:58: Touchdown, Brady to Rob Gronkowski. Brady drew Dee Ford offsides, and if you watch, Ford just stopped. He quit on the play, but the Patriots didn’t. And, oh, wait, the ball hit the ground. Never mind.

8:59: It looked like the ball hit the ground, but I don’t know if you can tell for sure.

9:00: I like how replay is faster now, but do they really need someone holding a mini-TV around his neck? The person holding this thing looks like an idiot. No touchdown!

9:02: Patriots have a fourth-and-inches. Based on the way they’ve been running, they’ll gain seven yards if they give it to a back.

9:03: Here’s an idea for a rule change: If the offense doesn’t get a first down, and they don’t want it measured, then don’t measure it!

9:04: Wow, big stop for the Chiefs! Whoever thought the Patriots should run there is a total idiot!

9:07: It’s nice to see the Chiefs going back to Hunt. His two carries thus far have gone for eight and nine yards.

9:08: Travis Kelce is running the option! Andy Reid is the best!

9:10: Tyreek Hill, Lannister bastard, catches Alex Smith’s first pass. Not a surprise.

9:11: I suppose I should explain. Hill is the bastard name of Casterly Rock (like Snow is for Winterfell). And Tyreek sounds like Tywin and Tyrion – i.e. a Lannister name – hence, Tyreek Hill is a Lannister bastard. He could be one of Tyrion’s illegitimate children.

9:12: Hunt has now run for eight, nine and 10 yards. At this rate, he’ll be gaining 97, 98 and 99 yards on his runs in the fourth quarter.

9:13: Matt Patricia looks exactly like my brother-in-law. Every time I see him, I wonder, “What the hell is Rich doing on the Patriots sideline, and why is he wearing a hideous red jacket?”

9:14: And here comes the typical Chiefs stall in the red zone.

9:15: By stall, I meant touchdown!!! Alex Smith to Demetrius Harris.

Patriots 7, Chiefs 7

9:18: Matvei just texted me, “I wonder if Roger Goodell ordered that measurement during New England’s fourth down.”

9:19: Amendola with a deep reception. I’m surprised he hasn’t shattered in a million pieces yet.

9:21: What is going on here? That 12th man for the Chiefs was taking a leisurely stroll off the field. Reid should’ve called timeout.

9:23: Another fourth down. Quick, Goodell, call another measurement!

9:25: I can’t take it anymore. I just ordered food. I got something healthy: a cheesesteak and cheese fries. Good old Vitamin X.

9:26: Whoa, Patriots kicking it.

Patriots 10, Chiefs 7

9:28: Someone should tell that special-teams guy that you shouldn’t take a player’s helmet off.

9:29: The Chiefs have done a lot of fake trick plays with Tyreek Hill. I can’t wait until they actually do a real one.

9:30: New England’s pass rush shows up for the first time tonight. Alex Smith sacked on third down.

9:31: Was that a great play by Devin McCourty or a horrible whiffed block by Kareem Hunt? Or both?

9:32: Oh wow, Peyton Manning’s doing commercials now. When he retired, I didn’t know how he’d spend his time. Seeing him in ads is shocking.

9:34: If we’re not in Boston, why are they doing aerial shots of the Boston harbor? How about the Foxboro, umm, fields?

9:36: Patriots fans need to be more realistic. Do they honestly think their team is going to get calls with Goodell in the house?

9:38: The Chiefs are really missing Tamba Hali here. The Patriots are almost doing whatever they want when they’re not getting screwed with 50-50 calls.

9:40: Wow, Brady could’ve made a sandwich and done his taxes in the pocket with all the time he had. Hali’s absence is huge, though maybe he’s not 100 percent. I don’t know. Either way, Kansas City’s defense looks like crap tonight.

9:41: Gillislee scores again. Game over.

Patriots 17, Chiefs 7

9:44: As Al Michaels said, the Patriots have 219 yards of offense already. They’re on pace to accumulate 571 yards of offense. Last year, only four teams (Falcons in Week 4, Raiders in Week 8, Saints in Week 9, Bills in Week 16) generated 571-plus yards of offense in a single game.

9:45: Interestingly enough, the four teams that had 571-plus yards of offense scored an average of just 21.5 points per game in their next game, and only one (Raiders) notched more than 23 points.

9:47: It’s cool that the NFL has much better helmets now. Hopefully it helps because some of the stories that have been told have been pretty scary.

9:49: Ugh, Alex Smith sacks himself. The Patriots are winning 49-7; not 49-0.

9:51: My food just came. The girl on the phone said 40 minutes, but I know exactly how long it’s been because of the timestamp. It’s been just 26 minutes, which is pretty fast. If you live in Philly, Angela’s II in Feasterville has some awesome cheesesteaks and buffalo chicken fingers.

9:54: Gronkowski taking the series off? Seems weird.

9:55: Oh wow, for the first time tonight, a Patriots drive didn’t reach the red zone.

9:57: Another rule change: You should be able to do fake fair catches if someone else catches the ball. In fact, I swear the Rams have done this to the Seahawks every year the past decade and have gotten away with it because Jeff Fisher was the president of the competition committee.

9:59: Goodell must be on his phone or something because the Chiefs are now getting called for penalties on every play.

10:01: Say what you want about Alex Smith, but he’s really good at converting third-and-medium deep in his own territory.

10:02: This is the SIXTH time I’ve seen this Odell Beckham Verizon commercial. SIXTH! GOOD LORD, VERIZON, CAN YOU SHOOT ANOTHER AD!?

10:04: I didn’t like that Subway ad either. There’s just too much going on in that sandwich. Why can’t we just eat sandwiches with only meat and cheese? Why do we need nonsense like lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, salad dressing, mayo, etc.? It’s just crap fluff.

10:05: Goodell’s off the phone because the Travis Kelce catch wasn’t challenged, and Alex Smith got away with a false start. Had he been called for it, Smith would’ve sacked himself and false started. Quite a night for a quarterback!

10:07: Wow, Patrick Chung with a potential interception that went right through his hands.

10:08: So, the clock is ticking down in the first half, and the Chiefs are driving. I think it’s almost a guarantee that Andy Reid is going to bungle clock management somehow.

10:10: Pass interference in the end zone on Malcolm Butler!

10:11: Why do teams refuse to run the ball against the Patriots on the goal line!?

10:12: Touchdown, Chiefs! No clock mismanagement, as Smith hits Hunt with a short toss.

Patriots 17, Chiefs 14

10:18: I just put the food on my plate and brought it into my office. My dog, who has ignored me all day, is now looking at me like he thinks I’m the greatest thing ever. I get the feeling he’s just using me for food!

10:21: My dog is doing this thing where he inches his head near my plate and just licks the air, hoping to get a taste of what I’m eating. So annoying.

10:25: NBC might be wasting Mike Tirico’s talents, but he’s at least the one delivering this halftime monologue. If it were Bob Costas, he would’ve said, “Here’s some football talk: Did you know that we have a lot of pollution in lakes across America? I care about this, and you don’t, so therefore I am a better person than you. Stay tuned next week for my football talk at halftime.”

10:27: We just had a local commercial for iced coffee. I get the feeling that iced coffee is just a Ponzi scheme. Coffee is disgusting enough hot; who the hell wants to drink it cold? 10:29: Text from Matvei: “It just occurred to me that Mike Tirico is Ned Flanders. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get upset or have an opinion about anything uncanny.”

10:30: Andy Reid declines to talk. He’s taking this game srsly you guys.

10:32: Just looked at the halftime stats. Alex Smith was 16-of-19, while Tom Brady was only 9-of-17. Doesn’t that seem wrong? It feels like there was a coding error.

10:37: Brady now only just 9-of-18. Time for Garoppolo?

10:38: Al Michaels: “New England has recovered, but who has the ball?” Huh?

10:39: Another Patriots drive fails to go anywhere. Kansas City’s defense has stepped up lately, but let’s see if its offense can get the lead.

10:41: The Lannister bastard fumbles! The Chiefs recover, however.

10:44: It looks cool, but it’s depressing that Hollywood can’t come up with new ideas. I have an idea for…

TOUCHDOWN, CHIEFS! The Lannister bastard with a deep touchdown. And the Patriots, who were once in full command of this game, are now losing.

Chiefs 21, Patriots 17

10:47: Anyway, I have a new idea for a new movie. It’s called That. It’s about some kids who get terrorized by a rodeo clown – not a circus clown – and then they grow up and still get terrorized by the rodeo clown. How great of an idea is that?

10:49: From Awesome Kelly in Arizona (we are in a shared betting pool, and we have Chiefs +9): “Is that the longest pass Smith has ever thrown? I straight up just came a little just now.”

10:50: Amendola with a drop on third down, the Chiefs are getting the ball back WITH THE LEAD!

10:53: Wow, Brady is 11-of-24 for 156. Why did they trade Jacoby Brissett!?

10:54: Uh oh, Dont’a Hightower is hurt!

10:57: Who is Scott Eastwood’s fathe, and why would he drive from an awesome house in the forest to a city? I wish I had a secluded house in the forest. I would have so much fun by myself. Who wants to live in a city around people? Yuck!

10:58: Hightower is walking around. He has gone into the camp tent, where he will make smores and tell scary stories around the fire.

10:59: Big three-and-out for the Patriots’ defense without Hightower. I feel like Alex Smith got a little too cocky on that drive, throwing passes he usually doesn’t complete.

11:02: Brandin Cooks draws a deep pass interference at the 1-yard line. Patriots about to take the lead!

11:03: Another touchdown for Gillislee! He’s now on pace to score 48 touchdowns this season.

Patriots 24, Chiefs 21

11:07: Didn’t Travis Kelce tell Mike Tirico that he needed to be more professional? It just goes to show that if you have to say you’re going to do something, chances are you’re not going to do it. It’s like a drug addict. They often tell people they’re going to stay clean, but they usually don’t. If they wanted to get clean, they’d just do it.

11:09: And yes, I suppose I just compared Kelce to a drug addict. He’s more of a penalty addict. He won’t stop until he decides to.

11:10: New England’s pass rush comes alive. The Chiefs are punting, so here comes the New England touchdown for the cover.

11:12: Did the Patriots run into the kicker again!? Holy hell, what are they doing!? And how is that not 15 yards? He hit his plant leg!

11:15: Brandon Cooks with a 5,000-yard reception! And defensive holding on top of it. Here comes the cover.

11:17: I don’t know, Cris, I have to say that 2007 was Brady’s best year. Fifty touchdowns to eight interceptions was insane.

11:18: Phew, loss of down on the illegal forward pass. Here comes the kicking unit.

Patriots 27, Chiefs 21

11:24: The fourth quarter is about to start. It feels like this game has been going on for years. Is this the 2018 opener?

11:25: By the way, I just let my dog lick my plate (it had a couple of chunks of cheesesteak on it in addition to ketchup), and as soon as he was done, he ran out of the room. So much for paying attention to me!

11:26: KAREEM HUNT TOUCHDOWN! Seventy-eight yards!

Chiefs 28, Patriots 27

11:29: I was thrilled when Hunt scored that touchdown, as I felt like I had him on three fantasy teams. It turns out that I have him on none! What the hell!? Did the Russians hack my fantasy teams? I could’ve sworn I owned him in like every league!

11:30: Awesome Kelly in Arizona: “Damnit my vadge almost hurts after that. Nobody is winning a billion dollars from draft kings, I know that much.”

11:32: Fourth-and-inches!

11:33: Oh man, at first glance it doesn’t look like Gillislee got it!

11:34: Chiefs ball! And another commercial. No wonder this game has felt like it’s lasted five hours. It’s like a Web site that has a ton of ads. I hate those Web sites!

11:36: What a weird game. It felt like the Patriots were going to run away with a blowout on numerous occasions, and yet the Chiefs are winning despite racking up a million penalties.

11:38: The Patriots get a big stop. The Chiefs are pretending like they’re going for it.

11:39: “Amendola with a deep reception. I’m surprised he hasn’t shattered in a million pieces yet.” I wrote that two hours ago. Amendola is now in concussion protocol.

11:41: Amendola has been ruled out. The Patriots are now down to one short white receiver. It’s too bad they cut Austin Carr.

11:44: If you’re curious, here are the top available free agent wide receivers for the Patriots with Amendola concussed.

11:47: Kareem Hunt is a beast, averaging 6.5 yards per carry. Kenny and I joked about him being from Toledo on the podcast, but I have to imagine that Bruce Gradkowski is shedding a tear right now as he’s counting the amount of bets he’s made tonight.

11:49: Alex Smith is 27-of-33, 357 yards and four touchdowns. Dafuq is happening?

11:51: Touchdown, Kareem Hunt!

11:52: The dark cloud over this Chiefs lead is Tyreek Hill limping off into the locker room.

Chiefs 35, Patriots 27

11:57: Brady sacked by Justin Houston! The Patriots are falling apart, and Eric Berry is down! This game has lasted a billion years, so no wonder all of these players are getting hurt. Hill, by the way has cramps.

11:58: Berry being unavailable is going to be huge. Especially for Gronkowski fantasy owners because he has shut Gronk down tonight.

12:00: The hell is this Chevy commercial with dependable friends? I have friends but most aren’t dependable at all.

12:01: Berry carted into the locker room. Wow.

12:02: Berry has an Achilles injury. That’s horrible. He was playing so well. What a shame.

12:03: Marcus Peters is banged up as well. I’m telling you, this is a result of reduced practices. Injuries have gone up ever since the CBA. They need to go back to practicing more in the next agreement.

12:04: Hunt with a 58-yard run, and Charcandrick West gets the touchdown! Good night, Foxboro!

Chiefs 42, Patriots 27

12:07: The Patriots should just put in Garoppolo right now to keep Brady from getting hurt. This is getting ugly.

12:08: Two sacks in a row. Get Brady out!

12:09: The Chiefs are going to be favored by a billion points next week against the Eagles, without Eric Berry. I love it.

12:12: That Kansas City first down was a blessing in disguise for the Patriots. It’ll keep Brady off the field, so he won’t get hurt.

12:14: The Patriots have waved the white flag, and that’s it! The Chiefs have won, 42-27. What a crazy game.

12:15: This game was 25 minutes longer than last year’s opener, according to my timestamps. Like I said, this game felt like it lasted years.

I’ll have a game recap soon. Charlie’s 2018 NFL Mock Draft will be updated tomorrow morning. Also, make sure you enter the Survivor Pool (free entry, $350 prize) and the Weekly Fantasy Football Contest.

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