My Thoughts During the 2012 NFL Kickoff Game - Live Updates
What is this? I'll be posting my thoughts during the Giants-Cowboys game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. I might even have some special guests. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Wednesday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football's back.
7:45: Forty-five minutes until kickoff. Can't believe the season is already here.
7:46: Want to know how pumped I am for football? I actually had a dream last night that Cam Newton was arrested. I tried to adjust my picks and fantasy rankings, but I was suddenly transported to my college dorm, and there were hundreds of people drinking in the hallway. I couldn't even get into my room, so I panicked because I couldn't work on this Web site.
7:46: Oh, and I'd like to apologize for my racist dream. Sorry if I offended any athletic quarterbacks out there.
7:48: Injured Reserve's fiancee Man-Eaters is here. She had a funny comment on Peyton Manning's jacket, "What the hell is he wearing? That's for a black person. Only black people can pull that off."
7:49: Injured Reserve with an observation: "Why are we interviewing Peyton before Eli plays?"
7:52: Injured Reserve is on fire tonight. About the car commercial that said, "THIS CAR WUZ $499 A MONTH NOW ITS $199 MONTH OMGZZZ!!!" he said, "I'd like to hear car commercials do the opposite: 'You've waited too long. It used to be $199 per month. Now, it's $250 per month. If you wait longer, it'll be $300 per month!"
7:54: I can't believe Jason Witten is playing. What an idiot. So, the doctors cleared him? I wonder if Dr. Jerry Jones accepts Independence Blue Cross because that's the type of insurance I have. But seriously, there's no need to endanger your life for a Week 1 game. If this were the Super Bowl or the NFC Championship, I'd understand. But Week 1? Stupid.
7:56: I hate Bob Costas. Injured Reserve agrees: "He should have just stayed in London."
8:00: My friend Ben just brought over some pizza. We're now BFFs.
8:02: NOM NOM NOM NOM PIZZA NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
8:04: Seriously, if Witten's spleen explodes, the lawyers are going to be all over the Cowboys and their doctors. I can't believe Dallas is letting him play.
8:06: DeMarco Murray told reporters that he's in better shape this year, apparently. Whoa, stop the presses. When has an athlete ever said, "Meh, I'm not in good shape at all this season. I'm just going to mail it in."
8:10: Is it just me, or does Tony Dungy never look comfortable on camera? When he's not talking, it seems like he doesn't know where to look.
8:16: I can't believe Eli Manning still isn't getting any credit. When he won his second Super Bowl, I figured that he would be considered one of the elite quarterbacks, especially since he styled himself as one before last season. But no one is talking about him - and he's got to love that. That's one of the reasons I have the Giants winning the Super Bowl.
8:18: My sister brought macaroni and cheese!!!
8:19: NOM NOM NOM NOM MACARONI AND CHEESE AND PIZZA NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
8:20: A performance from No Doubt coming up next!? YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!
Seriously, who wants to see No Doubt right now? No one. Football fans don't like music. Give us football analysis, NBC. Not music.
8:25: This is great. I've been waiting seven months for football, and this No Doubt song is exactly what I need to pump me up even more.
8:27: I saw that Mariah Carey was on earlier. I was surprised by how good she looked for her age. I think she's 55ish? I thought she gained a couple hundred pounds, but that apparently is incorrect. That, or she ate tons of Subway for a couple of months.
8:29: Body Burner's girlfriend just asked me, "Walt, can we watch Honey Boo Boo at some point tonight?" I don't know what the hell that is, but it sounds like porn. I'm all for that.
8:31: My girlfriend in the live in-game thread: "I am seriously freaking out. No joke. I'm jittery and my heart rate is up. GO GIANTS!"
8:33: My sister is rooting for the Cowboys because: "I hate New Yorkers. 'I pay $10 for water with tax!'"
8:36: I just realized what I said earlier. I stated that football fans want analysis over music. Well, here's some of the football analysis we had last year:
The four guys on Audibles (the show currently airing on ESPN) called Ronnie Brown this year's biggest offseason acquisition.
This is what happens when you hire former players to do analysis.
8:38: Funny exchange about the national anthem:
My Sister: What is this? An R&B remix of the national anthem? What is this s***!?
Injured Reserve: Well, to be fair, most of the players are black.
8:40: I don't like Queen Latifah. I always thought she was pretentious with that first name. But apparently people like her, so maybe I should change my name to King Cherepinsky. No. Overlord Cherepinsky.
8:42: Kickoff. Football is back!
8:43: Eli throws the ball out of bounds. Not off to a good start.
8:44: Eli had Victor Cruz open on third down but threw behind him.
8:45: Injured Reserve with a funny comment: "Did you see the picture of Morris Claiborne? It doesn't even look real. He looks like a generic black guy you'd see on Madden.
8:46: Romo sacked! Way to downgrade the offensive line in the offseason, Cowboys.
8:47: Cowboys go three-and-out. Punting time. Both teams are jittery. By the way, why is Felix Jones playing on third down?
8:49: Idiot NFL special-teams players: Stop blocking in the back! You'll get called for it every time!
8:50: Body Burner just burst through the door and ran into the room. Did he hug his girlfriend first? No. Did he shake the host's hand first? No. He hugged my friend Caveman, who nearly spilled his beer.
8:52: Official screw-up No. 1 - an obvious block in the back was called clipping.
8:53: Body Burner's girlfriend just called him a "WalterFootball.com Slut" because he sat down next to me.
8:54: Eli deep to Cruz!
8:55: Man-Eaters: "I hate how I don't recognize any of these refs. I got attached to them, like the black guy with the lisp. I miss him!"
8:57: I'm shocked. Really. Why is David Wilson getting so many carries this early? He had fumbling issues in college. I can't believe Tom Coughlin is trusting him. Ahmad Bradshaw needs to be the primary ball-carrier.
8:59: The Cowboys can't run the ball. Not with that terrible offensive line.
9:03: Body Burner just looked at my write-up. He's shocked that I have to enter in the time myself. Yeah. I use notepad. This is not advanced technology.
9:04: Romo nearly picked off. Body Burner is freaking out because he has the Giants' defense in fantasy: "CUT HIM! CUT HIM! CUT HIM! Or at least a pay cut!"
9:05: Going for it on fourth down!
9:06: Way behind the yellow line. Giants' ball.
9:07: OK, Giants, let's not give the ball to Wilson this time.
9:08: The girls here are saying stuff like, "How much do cup size increase the bulge in the pants?" and "Tony Romo is ugly" and "Which player has the biggest butt?"
9:10: It's a good thing the Cowboys traded all of those picks for Claiborne.
9:11: More girl comments: "Which team does Drew Brees play for?" and "Who's the Double Check guy?" and "How many siblings play in the NFL?"
9:12: End of the first quarter. The Giants are leading in yardage, 91-34. They should be trying to go up 10-0 or 14-0 right now, but the rookie running back screwed up.
9:14: Whoa, 20-yard loss. Career sack No. 100 for DeMarcus Ware.
9:16: Injured Reserve brought up a good point: NBC probably spent so much money on that Ware graphics. What if he didn't get a sack? How stupid would they have felt?
9:19: Stop running, Dez.
9:20: Only Dez Bryant's knee and elbow went down. That's it. No wonder he kept on running.
9:22: This reminds me of the preseason when the refs called a team for a delay of game when one second was remaining on the play clock. Good times.
9:23: NEARLY A PICK-SIX!!! Body Burner, who has the Giants' defense, was yelling: "PICK-SIX! PICK-SIX! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! DON'T GET TACKLLLEEDDD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
9:24: And Bradshaw ruined my chances of a fantasy touchdown. Ugh.
9:25: The Giants should have thrown at least once on those downs. Dumb play-calling.
9:26: Orlando Scandrick would have been arrested for that if he did that to Victor Cruz on the street. Nice stand though.
Giants 3, Cowboys 0
9:29: I hate when people refer to the location of this stadium as the "Big Apple." It's not the Big Apple. It's north freaking Jersey.
9:31: Caveman doesn't like my Rosie O'Donnell barbie doll. And yes, I have one. It was a birthday gift, I swear. I didn't buy it in the store.
9:32: Different reactions to Jerry Reese - Caveman: "That is one scary-looking black guy." Body Burner's girlfriend: "Who is that sexy, bald black man?"
9:34: Kevin Ogletree - PPR fantasy stud, apparently.
9:37: I'm thinking the Giants should abandon this running game entirely. They're not getting anything, and Jay Ratliff's not even on the field.
9:38: More Bradshaw. Blleeegggggghhhhhhhhh.
9:39: Three Giants' plays: Bradshaw, Bradshaw, Bennett. Shocking three-and-out.
9:42: Fifth procedure penalty on the Cowboys. How do you have a false start coming out of a timeout?
9:44: Good thing Witten played. That 3-yard catch was very crucial.
9:45: I feel like Ogletree kidnapped Jessica Simpson and threatened to do bad things to her if Romo didn't throw him the ball on every third play at the very least. That's the only explanation I have for this.
9:47: You have all of these athletes in these Subway commercials and... Jay Glazer? Why Jay Glazer? He better not cost anything because he's not going to convince anyone to buy a single Subway sandwich.
9:48: Romo to Bryant down to the 15! I thought Bryant disappeared before this drive.
9:49: There's Ogletree again. I can almost hear him thinking, "Teeheehee Tony! Thanks for the reception. Jessica is safe... for now!"
9:50: Romo to Ogletree. Of course. Whatever it takes to save Jessica.
Cowboys 7, Giants 3
9:52: The Giants better not run the ball five more times in this game. It's a passing league now. It's like they think this is 1990.
9:53: Cruz drop. Run the ball more!
9:55: Halftime. The Giants need to stop being so sloppy.
9:56: Body Burner is disappointed that I didn't write about his journey to New York so he could talk to Cruz about his terrible job. Apparently, this justhappened.
9:57: Body Burner apparently isn't the only one mad about this. Wraith in the in-game thread: "FFS Cruz!!! CATCH THE F*CKING BALL!!! YOU ARE NOT ANTHONY ****ING FASANO!!!"
10:02: What the hell was that halftime feature? NBC has always sucked with these. At least they stopped with that Sandusky clone interviewing those pee-wee kids from a couple of years ago.
10:04: Injured Reserve: "I wouldn't exactly call this a halftime show."
10:05: Oh great, a new Matthew Perry show. Sounds promising. I didn't get enough of Mr. Sunshine a couple of years ago.
10:07: People are discussing New Girl. My friend Val loves it. Injured Reserve, meanwhile, hates that Zooey Deschanel: "If Satan had a daughter, she'd be the dog of the daughter."
10:08: Hey, look, it's the Democratic National Convention - the reason why this game is on a Wednesday instead of a Thursday. Stop it, NBC. No one cares about these a**holes. They should be guilty of treason for ruining football.
10:11: Yardage is now 158-86. It was 91-34 at the end of the first quarter. How do the Giants have just five yards of offense since then?
10:14: More girl commentary: "It's stupid to wear white gloves. They get grass stains on it that way."
10:16: Romo looks really sharp despite getting nothing from Witten and Miles Austin-Jones. Dez Bryant looks great. Body Burner's take: "I guess hitting his mom cleared his head."
Ogletree again! Fantasy owners everywhere are pissed.
Cowboys 14, Giants 3
10:18: Pick up Ogletree. He's the new Laurent Robinson. How did Corey Webster get torched like that?
10:19: Taken 2!!!! I think I just peed a little bit.
10:22: Yardage is now 238-85, Cowboys. Remember when the Giants dominated the first quarter? Seems like a million years ago.
10:24: This running game is dead. They have to abandon it.
10:26: Funny that Cruz was whistled for the penalty even though he helped make the tackle.
10:28: Manning to Hixon for a million yards!!!
10:30: Ahmad Bradshaw touchdown run! Fantasy points for me!
Cowboys 14, Giants 10
10:34: Wow, unbelievable run by Murray. Can't believe he didn't get injured on that play.
10:35: Why does every single Cowboys' tight end fall down instantly after catching the ball?
10:38: The Cowboys are winning right now, but these stupid things like the procedure penalties and dumb timeouts will be their downfall eventually. Maybe not today, but definitely at some point this season.
10:39: Just checked my phone and found a random text: "It's bad e-fing enough the game is on a f'ing Wednesday then the mother father cowboys have to false frigging start ever 12 frenching seconds so the golly darn game lasts a thousand soda hours. Politics suck. That's my pg message in your support. I'll prob be drunk cuz it's talking so gosh frigging long and I must drink beer with f***ing football. Sanasa."
10:41: Romo sacked. But Body Burner is not here to celebrate. That makes me sad.
10:42: One too many targets for Ogletree, but Jessica must be saved.
Cowboys 17, Giants 10
10:44: Bradshaw needs to watch more Murray film.
10:46: The end of the third quarter. Everyone seems to have disappeared. I guess they're watching the Honey Boo Boo porno in the basement.
10:47: Confirmed. Body Burner just came upstairs: "They're watching Honey Boo Boo downstairs." Sounds hot.
10:48: Our local newscast teaser: "This crazy-looking black man arrested for holding a man captive in his basement for months! Details later!" Only in Philadelphia.
10:49: Bradshaw with the drop on third down, but roughing the passer.
10:51: My friend Chris with a good comment: "The refs should do the penalty on themselves." Seriously, did we need a 2-minute delay for that?
10:52: Enough with this running.
10:55: I just realized that I have Bradshaw going up against Manning and Nicks in my touchdown league. I just high-fived Body Burner. At least I have something to hang my hat on if the Giants don't cover.
10:56: Sixth procedure penalty. The Giants desperately need a three-and-out.
10:57: If you have aspirations of becoming a star NFL receiver, just kidnap the quarterback's girlfriend. You'll be good for 100-plus yards and two scores.
11:00: Seventh procedure penalty. I can't believe the Cowboys are winning this game despite being so sloppy.
11:02: Eighth procedure penalty. Keeping track of this is amusing to me.
11:03: And Dez Bryant apparently is the Giants' best defender at this point.
11:06: Wow. So much for holding the Cowboys to a field goal. Romo to Austin-Jones. Game over.
Cowboys 24, Giants 10
11:09: I just tried to check my fantasy score on ESPN, and my f***ing Firefox crashed. I used to love Firefox, but it crashes every five seconds now. Apparently, it's some error with the new Adobe Flash, but I don't care. It's freaking bulls***, no matter whose fault it is.
11:13: Al Michaels with a shot at Martellus Bennett. We need more of that.
11:14: Another drop by Cruz. Maybe they should throw it to Nicks more.
11:15: Called it!
11:17: Body Burner on the Cruz reception: "There you go p***y, nice catch!"
11:19: Oh, Eli... if only you threw that pass like you do the pixie dust in the DirecTV commercial.
11:22: Revolution looks great. Too bad NBC's going to cancel it by March.
11:23: Does anyone trust these refs to make the right call on this play?
11:24: Catch stands. Touchdown, Giants.
Cowboys 24, Giants 17
11:25: The Giants should just kick it off. They still have three stoppages.
11:26: How do you go from Punt, INT, Downs, Punt to TD, TD, FG, TD?
11:28: Here it is. If the Cowboys get a first down, they can just kneel down three times.
11:29: Flag on the play!
11:30: Holding on Witten. Maybe he can blame his spleen afterward. And then his lawyers can still sue Jerry Jones.
11:31: Game over. Romo to Ogletree to ice it. Kidnapping Jessica Simpson was definitely the play of the game.
Final score: Cowboys 24, Giants 17
11:33: Final girl comment of the night: "Wait... what's an Ogletree?"
11:34: Thanks for reading my nonsensical thoughts. And thank you, Giants, for screwing me out of $330.
I don't know what to make of this game. Beating the Giants on the road is impressive, but the Cowboys were still so damn sloppy. That type of nonsense always kills them when it matters most. I still don't see them doing much if they make the playoffs, but there is cause for optimism. As for the Giants, can you say Super Bowl hangover? They're the first opening-night champion host to lose since the NFL started doing this in 2003.