My Thoughts During the 2011 NFL Kickoff Game - Live Updates
What is this? I'll be posting my thoughts during the Packers-Saints game here. That will include everything from the actual game, to the TV personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. I might even have some special guests. This page will be updated every five minutes or so Thursday evening, so I hope you join me for the first real NFL game in seven months. Football's back.
7:54: I have ESPN on right now because Barack Obama is talking about something on NBC. Perhaps he's declaring war on Canada. Who the hell cares? There's football on. Much more important than the American-Canadian War of 2011.
Two things of note: Sunday NFL Countdown is expanding to three hours this year. What the hell is that about? Who's going to watch Keyshawn Johnson and Cris Carter talk for three hours? I nearly suffered brain hemorrhages listening to them for two hours.
The four guys on Audibles (the show currently airing on ESPN) called Ronnie Brown this year's biggest offseason acquisition. Like I said, brain hemorrhages.
7:56: I agree with Steve Young. Cutting David Garrard five days before the season made absolutely no sense. I can't believe how stupid the Jaguars are.
7:59: Keyshawn Johnson just referred to the NFC East as a "conference." The good ole NFC East Conference. Emmitt hasn't been with ESPN for years now, but his spirit lives on.
8:00: Football's on NBC now. The American-Canadian War of 2011 apparently is over. Let's thank our brave troops for selflessly defending us.
8:03: More ESPN ineptness. I didn't see this, but forum member Marlin5124 summarized:
Has anyone seen Hugh Douglas, ESPNs new NFL analyst. They asked him who would win the AFC South - he said he picked the Jaguars before the release of Garrard but now is changing it to the Texans. Kordell Stewart was also in the discussion, so they asked him the same question. He said "I say neither of them", than he's about to say his pick and Douglas interrupts him and says "Who are you gonna pick than, Miami?". Stewart's like "umm no" and Douglas responds "Who else is there". LMAO.
8:06: The gay guy singing onstage (not that there's anything wrong with that) has a lot of tattoos. Guess he won't be quarterbacking the Carolina Panthers anytime soon.
8:08: Move my Jaguar? Maroon 5 likes the Jacksonville Jaguars? No wonder they suck.
8:10: For those who have their TV on mute, Roger Goodell is telling Bob Costas that he thinks the NFL is far too dangerous, and that he plans on moving kickoffs to midfield. Furthermore, all players will be forced to don foam suits on game day. And during practice. Also, there will be no tackling.
8:12: For those who aren't watching NBC, Roger Goodell has transformed into a manticore and just swallowed Bob Costas whole. Costas is pretentious douche, so I'm a fan of this.
8:17: I know you're all wondering - I'm eating a salad right now. Before you say I'm as heterosexually challenged as the lead singer of Maroon 5 (not that there's anything wrong with that), the salad that I'm eating is a Buffalo Blue Chicken Salad from Salad Works. A man's salad.
8:19: I just realized that Aaron Rodgers looks exactly like the main character from Prison Break.
Spoiler Alert: I don't think Michael Schofield is dead. The rule of every TV show is that a character isn't dead unless they show the body. They didn't show Michael's body. He's definitely still alive. You'll see when the show comes back in a couple of years.
8:21: Wow, Tony Dungy just said he'd take Aaron Rodgers over a healthy Peyton Manning. And with that, Dungy is no longer welcome in the Manning chateau. He'll have to eat dinner with losers like Curtis Painter and Jim Sorgi from now on.
8:22: My hatred for these Madden 12 commercials is biblical.
8:24: "Seven minutes till kickoff, so here's another crappy musician!" Thanks, NBC and a**hole Bob Costas.
8:26: By the way, I lied earlier. Roger Goodell didn't actually eat Bob Costas. But he would have if all was right with the world.
8:27: If you don't want to listen to Kid Rock (how long is he going to be a kid?) here's a hilarious football song. The artist calls Hines Ward a "dancing queen." Awesome.
8:29: Ah, Wendy's chicken. Otherwise known as rat meat. Delicious.
8:34: It's 8:34, and the game hasn't started yet. I thought all NFL games kicked off on time. Hmph.
8:35: Twenty-four-hour customer support from e-Trade!? I call bulls**t! I have proof.
8:38: Wasn't there supposed to be some hot blond chick singing to us before the game? I think her name's Faith Hill or something. Shaun Hill's wife, perhaps.
8:40: I'm really hating NFL.com. Is it necessary for them to have audio ads? So annoying. I know I have audio ads on my site from time to time, but I do my best to get rid of them.
8:42: Football's back! Aaron Rodgers to Greg Jennings for nine yards is officially the first play from scrimmage.
8:43: Rodgers sacked for a big loss! The Saints can't stop Matt Hasselbeck, but they sure as hell can contain Aaron Rodgers.
8:44: Never mind.
8:45: What were the Saints thinking by sending only three men on that third-and-long? Stupid.
8:46: Big third down here for the Saints. I have a bad feeling about this.
8:47: And I was right. Rodgers to Jennings.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 7, Saints 0
8:49: Ah, the perils of playing in seven fantasy leagues. I have Greg Jennings in two leagues, and I'm going against Jennings in two leagues. I don't know whether to be happy or sad.
8:50: NBC just pulled a commercial-kickoff-commercial ploy. I'm sad.
8:52: Don't fail me, Drew Brees. I have $330 on you.
8:53: Marques Colston fumbles! Maybe I should have asked him not to fail me. Ugh.
8:57: Huge third-and-goal situation for the Saints. If the Packers score a touchdown here, the game could be over.
9:00: Ah, Wendy's Caramel Apple Parfait. Otherwise known as puke in a cup. Delicious.
9:01: And the game is over. Touchdown Packers, Rodgers to Jordy Nelson.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 14, Saints 0
9:03: It's amazing how much one play can change a whole game. If Colston doesn't fumble, maybe the Saints move down the field and score. Instead, it's 14-0, and New Orleans will have to become one-dimensional. Translation: Walt's bank account loses $330.
9:04: Prediction for the movie Dream House: The main character, played by Daniel Craig, is the one who committed the murders. You don't even have to see it now.
9:06: Robert Meachem drops the ball. Meachem and Colston are really letting the Saints down.
9:07: Darren Sproles saves the day!
9:08: What a great idea, Sean Payton. Let's use your crappy reserve running back on a 3rd-and-2 instead of the guy you spent first- and second-round picks on.
9:09: Drew Brees to Robert Meachem! Touchdown! OK, so maybe this game isn't over...
Touchdown, New Orleans. Packers 14, Saints 7
9:10: How'd they fit Deion Sanders into that small fairy suit? I'll be wondering about that all night.
9:11: Erm, not that there's anything wrong with that.
9:12: A kickoff at the 30? Say it ain't so. What about the safety of the players, Roger? What about the safety!?!??
9:13: Touchback. F*** you, Roger Goodell.
9:17: Aaron Rodgers converting on third down is more of a sure thing than both death and taxes. This is ridiculous.
9:18: Rodgers to Randall Cobb, touchdown. This game's going to go over the total by halftime.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 21, Saints 7
9:20: Aaron Rodgers is on pace to throw 12 touchdown passes in this game.
9:21: Wow, look at Pierre Thomas run. Makes me happy the American-Canadian War of 2011 is over.
9:22: Uncharted 3 looks like a cool game, but I won't be playing it. It looks too damn complicated. What happened to hitting blocks, jumping on turtles and saving the princess? Those were the best video games.
9:27: Marques Colston with an illegal shift. So far today, Colston has been responsible for a fumble, an incompletion (meh) and a penalty. Not so good.
9:28: Clutch third-down conversion by Brees to Devery Henderson. Once again, the Packers made the mistake of sending three men. I don't get that.
9:29: That's a great point by Cris Collinsworth. The Saints are slipping and sliding all over the place.
9:32: I still think Christina Applegate is hot. I'll give that new show a chance - though it just makes me wonder, why doesn't a network bring Al Bundy, Kelly, Bud and Peggy back? Married with Grandchildren? Hell yeah, I'd watch.
9:34: Marques Colston is playing on one leg. He's just not healthy.
Field goal, New Orleans. Packers 21, Saints 10
9:35: Re: Whitney's rant about guys wearing jerseys. You're not rooting for the dead hookers on SUV, genius.
9:37: Donald Driver just got debaclized. The Saints need a stop.
9:38: The Saints finally got a stop. In other news, hell just froze over, pigs can now fly, and Rosie O'Donnell is hot and not annoying.
9:39: Darren Sproles! Third career punt return for a touchdown. Reggie who?
Touchdown, New Orleans. Packers 21, Saints 17
9:41: It's almost like the Packers special teams were thinking, "We actually have to cover a punt? WTF?"
9:43: If the kickoff goes through the uprights, that should be one point. It's the only way you can make kickoffs interesting at this point.
9:44: Rodgers just had Nelson wide open for a 73-yard touchdown. I'm shocked that he missed him.
9:49: Tracy Porter... His unborn grandkids won't ever live down that Greg Jennings juke.
9:51: The Packers are going to score. I just hope they leave enough time on the clock for the Saints.
9:54: Why do the firefighters get free Wendy's? Just because they save people doesn't mean they deserve it. Do you know how hard I slave over writing about fat women at my gym pool? Come on, Wendy's, help me out here.
9:56: Impressive 17-yard touchdown run by James Starks. Like I said, the Packers were going to score. At least Drew Brees has time now.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 28, Saints 17
9:59: Yeah, I'll definitely be making fun of NFL.com's Fantasy Football Draft. Round 1, coming this Tuesday.
10:00: I kind of want to see Moneyball - even though Moneyball doesn't work.
10:01: Wow, that's unbelievable coverage by Sam Shields.
10:03: Oh, boy! Better go to GoDaddy.com to see a naked Danica Patrick. I'll be back in 10 minutes after I enjoy myself.
10:04: Damn it, I don't see a naked Danica anywhere!
10:05: Go for it!
10:07: It's halftime. Packers up, 28-17, and it doesn't look like they're going to be stopped anytime soon. The Saints have to score a touchdown on their opening drive of the second half.
10:10: Barney Stinson! People say he's really gay, but I don't believe it. I think it's all a ruse so he can score with more chicks.
10:17: Ah, those old Peyton Manning clips remind me of a column I wrote back in 2003, where I suggested that Manning should hire a psychiatrist to help him with his playoff choking. Yeah, I was at Penn State and was probably drunk when I wrote it.
10:19: Who will be named America's greatest talent? And does anyone actually care?
10:23: There have now been triple the amount of touchbacks in this game as there were all year at Lambeau Field in 2010. At least the players are safe.
10:25: Crazy generous spot for the Saints - and I'm saying this as someone who's going to lose $330 tonight.
10:31: Brees is sacked on 3rd-and-2. That was a big stop by the Packers. The Saints haven't had much luck in the red zone, and that's why the Packers are going to win this game.
Field goal, New Orleans. Packers 28, Saints 20
10:33: I am going to watch that Whitney show. The chick is super hot, and the dude was funny on Glory Daze, an awesome show on TBS that no one watched.
10:35: Randall Cob goes 108 yards. Bye-bye, $330.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 35, Saints 20
10:37: Why is the Playboy Club on NBC? It should be on HBO or Cinemax. I want to see naked chicks; not censored crap.
10:38: I'm OK with commercial-kickoff-commercial if the kickoffs are like that.
10:42: Drew Brees to Devery Henderson! Maybe a touchdown. He may have stepped out of bounds.
10:43: Never mind. Play stands. The $330 is still not lost.
Touchdown, New Orleans. Packers 35, Saints 27
10:44: I really hate these Madden commercials - especially this one with the Eagles fans and where the guy says something about a honey badger. Why is the narrator speaking with a Boston accent? Shouldn't he be talking with a Philly accent? Ugh. I'm not going to buy Madden because of these ads.
10:45: Thank God Randall Cobb didn't run that one out. I'd be THIS close to having a heart attack if he did.
10:47: The Packers are stopped again! Hell is even colder, pigs can soar like eagles, and Rosie O'Donnell is now the hottest and least-annoying woman on the planet.
10:48: The Saints are at midfield. Here we go.
10:49: Lion King in 3D! I'm seriously going to see that like 10 times in the theaters.
10:52: About Up All Night, I'll never forgive FOX for canceling Arrested Development. I was drunk one night at Penn State when my friend Ryan told me the show was going off the air. I almost broke down and cried. It almost made me forget how I puked all over the bathroom at the pizza place five minutes earlier.
10:53: A 15-yard penalty on Charles Woodson for throwing an uppercut. Saints at the Green Bay 16.
10:54: Ugh, why is Sean Payton using Pierre Thomas over Mark Ingram? This like a dude trying to bang the bland chick next door when he could be seeing Megan Fox.
10:55: The Saints have to go for it. They can't kick another field goal.
10:57: Incomplete. Turnover on downs. Why not just sneak it?
11:03: Just got a tweet (@Walterfootball), "There better be a bunch of "Charles Woodson is dirty articles tomorrow." There will be, unless I have to sell my laptop to pay my gambling debts.
11:04: And I just spilled apple juice all over myself. This is not a good night.
11:09: Jordy Nelson to the 1-yard line. This is the game right here.
11:10: John Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhn.
Touchdown, Green Bay. Packers 42, Saints 27
11:13: Someone almost got hurt on that kickoff. Time to move it forward again.
11:16: Randall Cobb - rookie of the year? How'd this guy fall to the bottom of the second round again? This is why the NFL Draft is such a crapshoot.
11:17: Phil Jackson - the man who always made sure he coached the best player in the NBA. I've always wondered how he would have fared with a rebuilding team.
11:18: Maroon 5 and Kid Rock again on Saturday night!? These people just don't go away.
11:20: Where'd Ryan Grant go, by the way? He had several carries earlier, but he just disappeared.
11:21: Never mind. Thought the Packers realized how much better Starks was.
11:23: The Saints can't stop the run even though they know the Packers are going to pound the ball. Pathetic.
11:28: OK, Saints. Two touchdowns in five minutes. You can do it.
11:29: Drew Brees with some nice juke moves. Someone's been pressing his R and L buttons.
11:30: Robert Meachem and Marques Colston have been huge disappointments tonight.
11:31: If the Saints score a touchdown here, they have to go for the onside kick. Even if it's with three minutes left. They have only one timeout, and I don't think they can stop Green Bay.
11:32: HUGE injury to Tramon Williams. Not for this game, obviously, but going forward - although the Packers luck out a bit because they have Carolina next week. They could be double-digit road favorites.
11:34: Great idea - way to give it to the 5-foot-7 running back inside the 5.
11:35: Touchdown to Jimmy Graham. Only six more till he hits the Over for the season.
Touchdown, New Orleans. Packers 42, Saints 34
11:36: No, Al Michaels. They have to try an onside kick.
11:38: Packers recover. Game over.
11:42: Hold on, Emmitt's here and he has something to say:
I'm gone' stay up all night and be burned by the midnight oil tryin' to figure out what have happened. I listen to WaltersFootball.com and bet all my life savers on the Saint. Who gonna bet on the Packer when Brett Favre closin' on 50 years old? But suddenly Favre nowhere to be seened on the field, and a guy named Roger under center for the Packer who throwin' good passes when he throw the ball. It completely deboggled by mind what happened to the legendary known as Brett Favre.
11:43: This is going to be nuts. The Saints will have the ball with about 1:10 remaining. Brees can do it, but his receivers can't screw up again like they've been doing all night.
11:44: Touchback! Phew. Eighty yards.
11:45: Fifty-nine yards and 55 seconds to go.
11:47: Holy crap, the Saints are at the 18. Twenty seconds to go.
11:48: One play left. Saints at the 10.
11:49: Pass interference! Saints will get the ball at the 1-yard line.
11:50: Not sure about that call.
11:51: Mark Ingram stuffed at the 1. Wow.
11:52: So, Brees leads the Saints down the field 79 yards, and yet they take the ball out of his hands? What the hell is that all about?
11:53: That play was the whole game in a nutshell. Both teams were even - except for the fact that the Saints continuously screwed up in the red zone.
11:54: Thanks for reading my nonsensical thoughts. And thank you, Sean Payton, for screwing me out of $330.
This site will have tons of NFL coverage this weekend, as well as a big Sunday Live In-Games Thread. Look for the usual next week - Week 2 NFL Picks, Week 2 Fantasy Football Rankings and a 2012 NFL Mock Draft. Both Charlie and Greg will have updated 2012 NFL Mock Drafts soon.