32. Miami Dolphins (1-15) - I'm so upset. Randy Mueller was fired, so he won't be joining me anymore on my power rankings page. Boo hoo. Though I can't say I'm surprised - I didn't expect Bill Parcells to get along with a man whose vocabulary includes "gee whiz," "good golly," "good golly gee wow," "geepers," and "hoo boy golly gee willickers." Bill Parcells' reaction to that? "Get away from me, you weird f***ing a****le!"
31. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12) - When the Chiefs were 4-2, I was scared my Kansas City Under 7.5 wasn't going to hit. So much for that. Anyway, I thought it was hilarious when Bill Simmons said that Herm Edwards could admire both teams he ruined last Sunday like a proud poppa.
30. St. Louis Rams (3-13) - Thanks for showing up to play the Cardinals. Losers.
29. Baltimore Ravens (5-11) - Brian Billick was fired, but don't feel too sorry for him - he's going to move to his Vermont house and live together with his true love, Kyle Boller.
28. New York Jets (4-12) - A Jet fan's nightmare: Right after Mike Nugent hit the decisive 43-yard field goal, Herm Edwards announced to the media that he and Eric Mangini would be switching jobs. "I knew we had Darren McFadden locked up! But you play to win the games! I played to win! So what if we can't have McFadden or Chris Long?! You play to win the games! Hello!? You play to win the games!" Luckily this is only a bad dream. I really feel sorry for Chiefs backers.
27. Atlanta Falcons (4-12) - The Falcons definitely gave Bobby Petrino the middle finger by beating Seattle last week. But I don't think they're done with getting revenge. Let's do some oddities to guess how they're going to further claim vengeance on a greedy coach who quit on them: 25:1 - Sleep with his underage daughter on a football field (Chris Henry must be involved). 12:1 - Help Arkansas football players violate Petrino's double-secret probation. 6:1 - Ruin Petrino's parade by leading the band astray and tossing marbles onto the road. 3:1 - Steal a car, drive off with Mandy and become a senator.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-12) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr, Andy Reid, Michael Vick, Jessica Simpson and Bobby Petrino thus far. OK... I'm here with Sean Payton! Sean, I'm glad that I finally have a sane person on with me. I'm sorry for your team's misfortune in Week 17. What went wrong? "Well, before I answer that, Walt, I'm going to run around your desk three times, lay a couple of sheets of paper on the ground, hop over them, call in a translator, tell you the answer in French and have him tell you what I said." Umm... what are you talking about? Why don't you just tell me what you need to work on next year. "OK, now, before I delve into that, I'm going to run down to your family room, turn on the Nintendo Wii, beat all of the Super Mario Brothers games with one life, then go outside, run a mile, come back to your house, open and close your laptop 20 times, organize your address book..." Ugh... 17 weeks and no sane guests. Sigh.
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-11) - Emmitt Smith loved giving his "analysts" of the Wizard of Oz and Little Red Riding Hood, so he got excited at the prospect of doing something like this every week. Emmitt will now discuss Hansel and Gretel: The girl... Gretel and the boy... Handles... he got kick from his crib cuz the mom get mad. They went strollin in the wood til they got hungry and sees a house made of candy. Then the witch, she catch them, and put Gretel in a cage and Handles in a cage with foods. The witch, she try to feed Handles enough for him to gains weight so she can throw him in the oven and ate him up for dinner. But Grendel fly out of her cage, and storm into the house, and throws the ol' witch into fires. Then, the two childrens run on home and collect breadcrumb.
24. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9) - People in Cincinnati have been complaining about the Bengals. Apparently, they've been causing too much trouble in the neighborhood. In honor of this, I never polled about 1,000 people in Cincinnati, asking why they're angry. Here aren't the results: 20% - I followed Walt's 5-unit pick on the Dolphins, thinking the Bengals weren't going to try. They did and consequently covered. Now, I'm ruined. Ruined!!! 20% - Chris Henry had his way with my daughter! She's only 3 years old! 20% - Chris Henry sold alcohol to my daughter! She's only 2 years old and thought it was milk! Now she's throwing up everywhere! 20% - Odell Thurman crashed his car into a restaurant and fled the crime scene. 20% - Eric Steinbach came back to the city and nearly rammed his boat into mine. Then, just about when I thought everything was safe, he dropped his anchor right onto my hull!
23. Carolina Panthers (7-9) - So long, Vinny Testaverde. What a great career. Vinny will now move to his retirement home, where he will undoubtedly be summoned by another one of these crappy teams next year.
The Rest: 13. Cleveland Browns (10-6). 14. Philadelphia Eagles (8-8). 15. Minnesota Vikings (9-7). 16. Houston Texans (8-8). 17. Buffalo Bills (7-9). 18. Chicago Bears (7-9). 19. New Orleans Saints (7-9). 20. Arizona Cardinals (8-8). 21. Detroit Lions (7-9). 22. Denver Broncos (7-9).