Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
Indianapolis Colts (13-2) - The Peyton Manning Priceless Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey Travis Johnson. Yeah, you, the fat slob on Houston's defensive line. I was going to play lackadaisically and leave the game at halftime, but your dirty hit on me in the second quarter really angered me. Not because the hit was late. Not because you could have ended my career. But because when you were talking trash to me while I was on the ground, I nearly had an aneurysm because your breath smelled so bad. Seriously, I forgot what the circumstances were and consequently risked injury to blow out your team. Next time you hit me late, Travis, use a breath mint." That was Peyton Manning, and he hopes his priceless pep talk has helped you!
New England Patriots (15-0) - Taking the Steelers and their ineffective gameplan out of the equation, the Patriots have beaten their last four opponents, who have a combined record of 15-45, by an average of nine points. They couldn't stop Kyle Boller and Adam Joshua Feeley. They couldn't score on the Jets and Dolphins. I know no one is going to agree with this, but I'm dropping New England down to No. 2.
Jacksonville Jaguars (11-4) - Everything's going right for the Jaguars. They're killing everyone; they've got a chip on their shoulder because they have no Pro Bowlers; and they have a pimp quarterback who steals the other teams' hoes after every game.
Dallas Cowboys (13-2) - So, it turns out one of my dad's friends has been promoting my Web site by saying that I picked the Eagles over the Cowboys a few weeks ago because I believed Jessica Simpson being at the game would cause Tony Romo to have an erection. I never said that, but I wish I had. Sounds pretty plausible to me.
Green Bay Packers (12-3) - Now that he's gotten over his uncanny fear of playing in domes, Brett Favre has only two vices. One is the Chicago Bears, whom Favre won't have to worry about in the postseason. The other is playing in Dallas, where Favre is 0-9. He better hope the Buccaneers or Giants knock off the Cowboys in the second round.
San Diego Chargers (10-5) - Hey, I found out something really cool. Did you know that Jay Cutler, who was playing on Christmas Eve, is from Santa Claus, Indiana? Woooowwww! Why didn't ESPN report this!?
Pittsburgh Steelers (10-5) - I found it odd that Bryant Gumbel was back in the booth for the Steelers-Rams Thursday night game. After noticing that he missed the Texans-Broncos broadcast, I assumed he was hospitalized in the wake of getting pwned by Cris Collinsworth's extraordinary football knowledge.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6) - I'm not really sure what to say about the Buccaneers' 4-26 franchise record on the West Coast. I would say that Jon Gruden needs to do a better job of not hounding movie stars for autographs, but that statistic has been around since 1976. Maybe they can bring some of David Garrard's hoes on the plane ride, I don't know.
Seattle Seahawks (10-5) - It's a good thing the Seahawks beat the Ravens because I'm convinced Mike Holmgren would have actually killed someone if he saw his team lose back-to-back contests to Mandy Moore and Troy Smith.
Cleveland Browns (9-6) - Does anyone else find it odd that nothing the Browns do next Sunday matters? Whether they win or lose, their playoff lives are determined by the Titans-Colts outcome. If Tennessee wins, they're out. If Tennessee loses, they're in. With that in mind, don't be surprised if the Browns don't even make it to the stadium this Sunday. If Romeo Crennel is aware of this, he may eschew the contest and travel to every restaurant in Cleveland to sample the local cuisine.
32. Baltimore Ravens (4-11) - I'm really upset I don't get to bash Kyle Boller this week. I'm seriously in tears. I know I've been calling for Troy Smith to start, but Boller brings so much comedic value to the table, I'm willing to run his MVP campaign just to ensure that he remains a starter in this league.
31. Atlanta Falcons (3-12) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr, Andy Reid, Michael Vick and Jessica Simpson thus far. OK... I'm here with Bobby Petrino! Bobby, glad to have you here. "Where's my money?" Uhh... I never promised you any money. I asked you to come on as a guest. "So you have no money for me? ProFootballTalk.com promised me five bucks for an interview. If you don't give me six, I'm out of here!" Jeez, OK, fine... Here's six bucks, you cheap bastard. "Hold on a sec. Just got a text message. NFLDraftCountdown is giving me eight bucks. Give me $8.50 or I quit." Quit? I doubt you have anything interesting to say anyway. Whatever, here's $8.50. Wait... where are you going? "I just got $9.25 from The Joker Report!"
30. Kansas City Chiefs (4-11) - I'm so terrified of betting the Chiefs next week. You know I have to because of that whole "coach going against his former team" thing. Still, the prospect of laying four or five units with Herm Edwards sounds less pleasing than getting a root canal, having a hammer repeatedly bashed into your skull, and maintaining an intellectual conversation with Jessica Simpson without the prospect of the Tony Romo benefits at the same time.
29. Miami Dolphins (1-14) - Congratulations to the Dolphins, who have become the first team to surrender at least 2,000 rushing yards to opposing running backs. And don't think they stopped at 2,000 yards - their defense is responsible for 2,127. In honor of this, I bring back an old friend, Randy Mueller. Take it away, Randy! "Good golly gee wow, we have allowed so many rushing yards, I think that says a lot about how much great talent we have on our defense. Jason Thomas and Zach Taylor are such special gentlemen, it's a real honor to see them play. Our defensive coordinator is so smart, hoo boy golly gee willickers, let me tell you, he knows so much he doesn't even prepare for the games. Gee whiz, it's oh so great to have so many rushing yards."
28. St. Louis Rams (3-12) - More than half of the crowd for the Steelers-Rams game was comprised of Pittsburgh fans. So, I never polled about 1,000 people in St. Louis, asking why they didn't go to the game. Here aren't the results: 34% - The Steelers fans looked so big and mean, we were afraid they were going to beat us up! 26% - We knew Marshall Faulk was going to make a halftime speech in honor of his number being retired, so we wanted to keep our children away just in case they picked up some of his bad grammar. 15% - We wanted to stay at home to watch the game on the NFL Network, but then we realized that we didn't have it. 15% - We had better things to do like watch great reality TV shows, such as Survivor: Antarctica and Toddler Nation. (Note: This is an obvious attempt to get Hollywood to just pay the damn writers.)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (6-9) - More on the Ravens here because what I'm about to say has to do with the Bengals as well. At the risk of sounding like Bill Plaschke, shame on both of these teams. Shame shame shame shame shame. Cincinnati doesn't play hard at San Francisco, yet inexplicably comes back the following week to beat Cleveland. Baltimore, meanwhile, plays its Super Bowl against the Patriots, but doesn't show up to battle the Dolphins or Seahawks. Both of these squads are lazy, pathetic and overrated, and I'm glad both will be staying home this January.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-11) - JaMarcus Russell has finally been named the starting quarterback. It's about time. Let's do some oddities to figure out why it's taken Oakland so long to make the move. 10:1 - Al Davis ordered his coaching staff not to make any switches while he sucked the life out of a teenager, allowing him to stay alive for another 60 years. 10:1 - Lane Kiffin hasn't had enough time to design plays for Russell, as the young head coach's bedtime is 8:30 p.m. 1:100 - Uhh... because they're the Raiders...?
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-10) - Who is Philip Rivers? Seriously, what has he ever done? Of course, I'm referring to the Monday night game when he continuously yelled, "bye baby" to Jay Cutler. Tom Brady doesn't do that. Peyton Manning doesn't do that. Brett Favre, Tony Romo, Matt Hasselbeck... None of them have ever taunted an opposing quarterback like that. Who is Rivers to taunt? Win a playoff game first, loser. Oh, and I'm sure Cutler would have even better numbers than you do if he had LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates by his side. Have fun going 14-of-32 and heaving an interception or three in the playoffs.
24. New York Jets (3-12) - Memo to Jets fans: Don't worry if your team beats the Chiefs, worsening your draft position in the process. You know they're going to screw up somehow. If not, here's proof regarding the futility of the Jets' draft history.
23. Carolina Panthers (6-9) - Emmitt Smith loved giving his "analysts" of the Wizard of Oz last week, so he got he excited at the prospect of doing something like this every week. Emmitt will now discuss Little Red Riding Hood: "The girl she was dressed up in red and she gone ridin on into the wood. She was tryin to found her grandmom house and she did. When she get there, she see her grandmom but it weren't really her grandmom. It was a big bad... fox. The fox eat her up and then go to bed. Along came a hunter with a hammer. He find the house with the fox inside and slices him open. When the little ridin hood come outside, she find some big ol rock and put it inside the fox. Then the hunter marry the ridin hood until he were arrested for sleepin with minor.
The Rest: 11. Washington Redskins (8-7). 12. New York Giants (10-5). 13. Philadelphia Eagles (7-8). 14. Tennessee Titans (9-6). 15. Minnesota Vikings (8-7).
16. Buffalo Bills (7-8). 17. Houston Texans (7-8). 18. New Orleans Saints (7-8).
19. Chicago Bears (6-9). 20. Arizona Cardinals (7-8). 21. Detroit Lions (7-8). 22. Denver Broncos (6-9).