32. Baltimore Ravens (4-11) - I'm really upset I don't get to bash Kyle Boller this week. I'm seriously in tears. I know I've been calling for Troy Smith to start, but Boller brings so much comedic value to the table, I'm willing to run his MVP campaign just to ensure that he remains a starter in this league.
31. Atlanta Falcons (3-12) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr, Andy Reid, Michael Vick and Jessica Simpson thus far. OK... I'm here with Bobby Petrino! Bobby, glad to have you here. "Where's my money?" Uhh... I never promised you any money. I asked you to come on as a guest. "So you have no money for me? ProFootballTalk.com promised me five bucks for an interview. If you don't give me six, I'm out of here!" Jeez, OK, fine... Here's six bucks, you cheap bastard. "Hold on a sec. Just got a text message. NFLDraftCountdown is giving me eight bucks. Give me $8.50 or I quit." Quit? I doubt you have anything interesting to say anyway. Whatever, here's $8.50. Wait... where are you going? "I just got $9.25 from The Joker Report!"
30. Kansas City Chiefs (4-11) - I'm so terrified of betting the Chiefs next week. You know I have to because of that whole "coach going against his former team" thing. Still, the prospect of laying four or five units with Herm Edwards sounds less pleasing than getting a root canal, having a hammer repeatedly bashed into your skull, and maintaining an intellectual conversation with Jessica Simpson without the prospect of the Tony Romo benefits at the same time.
29. Miami Dolphins (1-14) - Congratulations to the Dolphins, who have become the first team to surrender at least 2,000 rushing yards to opposing running backs. And don't think they stopped at 2,000 yards - their defense is responsible for 2,127. In honor of this, I bring back an old friend, Randy Mueller. Take it away, Randy! "Good golly gee wow, we have allowed so many rushing yards, I think that says a lot about how much great talent we have on our defense. Jason Thomas and Zach Taylor are such special gentlemen, it's a real honor to see them play. Our defensive coordinator is so smart, hoo boy golly gee willickers, let me tell you, he knows so much he doesn't even prepare for the games. Gee whiz, it's oh so great to have so many rushing yards."
28. St. Louis Rams (3-12) - More than half of the crowd for the Steelers-Rams game was comprised of Pittsburgh fans. So, I never polled about 1,000 people in St. Louis, asking why they didn't go to the game. Here aren't the results: 34% - The Steelers fans looked so big and mean, we were afraid they were going to beat us up! 26% - We knew Marshall Faulk was going to make a halftime speech in honor of his number being retired, so we wanted to keep our children away just in case they picked up some of his bad grammar. 15% - We wanted to stay at home to watch the game on the NFL Network, but then we realized that we didn't have it. 15% - We had better things to do like watch great reality TV shows, such as Survivor: Antarctica and Toddler Nation. (Note: This is an obvious attempt to get Hollywood to just pay the damn writers.)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (6-9) - More on the Ravens here because what I'm about to say has to do with the Bengals as well. At the risk of sounding like Bill Plaschke, shame on both of these teams. Shame shame shame shame shame. Cincinnati doesn't play hard at San Francisco, yet inexplicably comes back the following week to beat Cleveland. Baltimore, meanwhile, plays its Super Bowl against the Patriots, but doesn't show up to battle the Dolphins or Seahawks. Both of these squads are lazy, pathetic and overrated, and I'm glad both will be staying home this January.
26. Oakland Raiders (4-11) - JaMarcus Russell has finally been named the starting quarterback. It's about time. Let's do some oddities to figure out why it's taken Oakland so long to make the move. 10:1 - Al Davis ordered his coaching staff not to make any switches while he sucked the life out of a teenager, allowing him to stay alive for another 60 years. 10:1 - Lane Kiffin hasn't had enough time to design plays for Russell, as the young head coach's bedtime is 8:30 p.m. 1:100 - Uhh... because they're the Raiders...?
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-10) - Who is Philip Rivers? Seriously, what has he ever done? Of course, I'm referring to the Monday night game when he continuously yelled, "bye baby" to Jay Cutler. Tom Brady doesn't do that. Peyton Manning doesn't do that. Brett Favre, Tony Romo, Matt Hasselbeck... None of them have ever taunted an opposing quarterback like that. Who is Rivers to taunt? Win a playoff game first, loser. Oh, and I'm sure Cutler would have even better numbers than you do if he had LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates by his side. Have fun going 14-of-32 and heaving an interception or three in the playoffs.
24. New York Jets (3-12) - Memo to Jets fans: Don't worry if your team beats the Chiefs, worsening your draft position in the process. You know they're going to screw up somehow. If not, here's proof regarding the futility of the Jets' draft history.
23. Carolina Panthers (6-9) - Emmitt Smith loved giving his "analysts" of the Wizard of Oz last week, so he got he excited at the prospect of doing something like this every week. Emmitt will now discuss Little Red Riding Hood: "The girl she was dressed up in red and she gone ridin on into the wood. She was tryin to found her grandmom house and she did. When she get there, she see her grandmom but it weren't really her grandmom. It was a big bad... fox. The fox eat her up and then go to bed. Along came a hunter with a hammer. He find the house with the fox inside and slices him open. When the little ridin hood come outside, she find some big ol rock and put it inside the fox. Then the hunter marry the ridin hood until he were arrested for sleepin with minor.
The Rest: 11. Washington Redskins (8-7). 12. New York Giants (10-5). 13. Philadelphia Eagles (7-8). 14. Tennessee Titans (9-6). 15. Minnesota Vikings (8-7). 16. Buffalo Bills (7-8). 17. Houston Texans (7-8). 18. New Orleans Saints (7-8). 19. Chicago Bears (6-9). 20. Arizona Cardinals (7-8). 21. Detroit Lions (7-8). 22. Denver Broncos (6-9).