32. Atlanta Falcons (3-11) - I'm really glad Alge "Five Hot Dogs, No Catches" Crumpler, Roddy White and company were fined for showing their support of Michael Vick last week. You don't see the average American wearing a t-shirt of Osama bin Laden or Michael Bolton.
31. Miami Dolphins (1-13) - Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga cried after the game, stating that beating the Ravens and claiming his first victory in 14 tries was like winning the Super Bowl. By that thinking, Miami should start 0-13 every year and notch its first victory Week 15. Huizenga can have a whole cabinet of Lombardi trophies by utilizing that strategy. And by the way, didn't it seem like Brian Billick let the Dolphins win? He didn't go for it on fourth-and-goal, while Matt Stover missed a chip-shot field goal in overtime. It wouldn't surprise me that after watching his lover Kyle Boller go down (with an injury), Billick allowed Miami to win. I bet he told Stover to intentionally miss the kick.
30. Baltimore Ravens (4-10) - Brian Billick has named Kyle Boller the starter yet again next week (groan). Let's do some oddities to try and figure out why. 1:100,000 - Billick and Boller have a sexy time, very nice! 1:10,000 - Billick is just clueless. 1:1,000 - Billick is pregnant with Boller's child, and wants Boller to be part of the kid's life. 1:100 - Boller has naked pictures of Billick, and Billick likes it. 1,000,000,000:1 - Other.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (5-9) - I'm eagerly waiting for the day when Emmitt Smith says, "The Bengals doesn't have heart much like the scarecrows in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobes."
28. San Francisco 49ers (4-10) - It really makes you wonder why the 49ers went with Trent "Five Turnover" Dilfer for so long when they had Shaun Hill the whole time. I never polled about 1,000 people in San Francisco, asking why they thought Mike Nolan stuck with Dilfer so long. Here aren't the results: EVEN - Mike Nolan was too busy choosing which suit and tie to wear to each game. 3:1 - Trent Dilfer's Super Bowl ring looked so pretty that it hypnotized every member of the coaching staff, all of whom had no idea what it was. 8:1 - Dilfer has pretty and delicate hands like Alex Smith, so the 49ers naturally assumed he was a great fit for their offense. 1:7 - Bill Belichick gave all of his spy tapes to the 49ers in exchange for their cooperation to finish with one of the worst records in the NFL, allowing New England to draft Darren McFadden.
27. St. Louis Rams (3-11) - Speaking of the Scarecrow, did you know that Ray Bulger played the Scarecrow in the original Wizard of Oz? In honor of this coincidence, Emmitt offers more "analysts" on the movie: "The girl, she was scared of a hurricane that comes to Kansas City. She was sucked in and land on the yellow road that had brick. They said she need to destroy the witch. The Wicked Witch... of the... North. So, she go down the road and find friends who needs help from the Wizard. The Wizard of... Oz. So she click her two heels and run on back home."
26. Kansas City Chiefs (4-10) - It's a sad state of affairs in Kansas City, where general manager Carl Peterson needs a police escort because he's received so many death threats for ruining the franchise. I'm willing to bet that Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle are behind half of them, as they have absolutely no pass protection because Peterson forgot to replace Willie Roaf and Will Shields with quality linemen.
25. Oakland Raiders (4-10) - Everyone has the Raiders taking Sedrick Ellis, Vernon Gholston or Calais Campbell in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft. What about Matt Ryan or Brian Brohm? I know the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell, but there's a good chance Al Davis has forgotten this amid eating Jello and playing Bingo in the retirement home.
24. New York Jets (3-11) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr, Andy Reid and Michael Vick thus far. OK... I'm here with Jessica Simpson! Jessica, glad to have you here. I understand you're dating Tony Romo. How's that going? "Yeah, it's going great! Watching him play baseball is so fun! I'm a huge Cowboys fan now! From what I hear, a cowboy is some sort of man who is part cow. That's like so cool!" Ummm... Not really... "It sucked so much we lost to the Eagles! The Eagles are like the chicken of the air, so that sucks super much!" I'm... getting... dumber... listening... to... you... "Yeah, that's like what Tony said when we first started dating. Now he just sits on the couch and drools all day. Hey... is that drool coming out of your mouth too?" Uhhh... Huh...?
23. Carolina Panthers (6-8) - True story: I had a friend named Matt Moore when I was a kid. This guy drank every single night with his older brother, starting as young as 12 years old. Matt was on my swim team, and would often show up hung over to practice and meets. I hadn't heard from him in a long time, until I suspected that Carolina's new starting quarterback was him. Thinking he was still a drunk, I put my entire savings account on the Seahawks. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I mean, Matt Moore is such an uncommon name, I naturally assumed it was the same guy. The Panthers won, and I'm currently $5.02 in the hole.
The Rest: 11. Minnesota Vikings (8-6). 12. New York Giants (9-5). 13. Tennessee Titans (8-6). 14. Buffalo Bills (7-7). 15. Houston Texans (7-7). 16. New Orleans Saints (7-7). 17. Washington Redskins (7-7). 18. Denver Broncos (6-8). 19. Chicago Bears (5-9). 20. Philadelphia Eagles (6-8). 21. Arizona Cardinals (6-8). 22. Detroit Lions (6-8).