Scott Fujita: 10 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble.
Andre Carter: 4 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble.
Nick Barnett: 13 tackles, 2 sacks.
Adalius Thomas: 9 tackles, 2 sacks.
Jason Taylor: 4 tackles, 2 sacks.
Brent Hawkins: 3 tackles, 2 sacks.
Scrubs of the Week:
Shaun Alexander: 7 carries, 17 yards. 1 fumble.
Tony Romo: 13-of-36, 214 yards. 3 INTs, 2 fumbles.
Chris Redman: 4-of-15, 34 yards. 2 INTs. 1 fumble.
Jon Kitna: 5 INTs.
Kyle Orton: 22-of-38, 184 yards. 1 INT.
Tarvaris Jackson: 22-of-38, 184 yards. 1 INT.
Tom Brady: 14-of-27, 140 yards. 1 INT.
Alge Crumpler: 0 catches.
Donte' Stallworth: 0 catches.
Roddy White: 1 catch, 4 yards.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (14-0) - I think it's safe to say that ESPN's 6-year-old correspondent, Jason Krause, isn't going tout anytime soon. He predicted the Patriots to beat the Jets, 176-6. I'm guessing his Patriots-Over teaser didn't hit.
Indianapolis Colts (12-2) - The Peyton Manning Priceless Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey Raiders. Yeah, you guys who always finish last every year. I saw you guys huddling up and yelling, 'We gonna upset da champs!' Fools. Little do you know that I, as well as three-quarters of my roster, snorted coke prior to the game. That's why we only beat you guys by seven. If we were sober, we would have won, 176-6. But keep thinking you're great. Losers." That was Peyton Manning, and he hopes his priceless pep talk has helped you!
Dallas Cowboys (12-2) - The Cowboys lose a game, and Terrell Owens is back to being a jerk. I don't know, that's what the media is saying. I mean, he stole from the salvation army, spit in the faces of orphans and hit on Jessica Simpson right in front of Tony Romo. Other than that, I don't think he's that bad of a guy.
Green Bay Packers (12-2) - As much as I'd like to put the Packers ahead of the Cowboys, who are playing horrendously right now, Green Bay has only beaten Oakland and St. Louis since Week 13, both of whom aren't as good as Detroit or Philadelphia. I can't forget how skittish Brett Favre looked and how pathetic the defense was at Dallas.
Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4) - So, according to Michael Wilbon and Ron Jaworski, the Jaguars are the second-best team in the AFC. I guess their two losses against the Colts didn't count, or something.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5) - You know that Rookie Symposium they hold for first-years coming into the NFL every season? Well, one of the things they should tell all of these rookies is to never make guarantees unless they become Pro Bowl-caliber stars. Anthony Smith has become a marked man ever since guaranteeing a victory over the Patriots. It seemed like Tom Brady and David Garrard looked his direction on every play. Brady continuously torched him, while Dennis Northcutt, of all wide outs, burnt him in the snow. Smith should seek out an empty lodge in the mountains and hide there for five years so everyone forgets who he is.
Cleveland Browns (9-5) - Following the first 8-0 victory in the NFL since 1929, Jamal Lewis commented on how cold it was. The only man who wasn't freezing during the Bills-Browns game was Romeo Crennel, who purchased five thousand pounds of hamburger meat prior to the contest. Crennel ate half and stuffed the other half into his jacket, saving it as a post-game meal and using it as a body-warmer.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5) - And speaking of Cleveland's head coach, I still can't get the image of Romeo Crennel and Fat Albert side by side. Click on the link and look at Post No. 3 in case you missed it.
San Diego Chargers (9-5) - Rumor has it that Poppa Manning let Eli work at the local Wal-Mart because his son was so upset in the wake of throwing 500 incompletions against the Redskins. Unfortunately, the manager came over and kicked them both out of the store, despite Archie's attempts to get him transferred to New York.
Seattle Seahawks (9-5) - So, Jessica Simpson is responsible for Dallas losing to Philadelphia, while Mandy Moore leads the Panthers to an upset victory over the Seahawks. Now if we could have Lindsay Lohan run drunkenly on to the field and vomit all over the turf, we'd be in good shape.
32. Atlanta Falcons (3-11) - I'm really glad Alge "Five Hot Dogs, No Catches" Crumpler, Roddy White and company were fined for showing their support of Michael Vick last week. You don't see the average American wearing a t-shirt of Osama bin Laden or Michael Bolton.
31. Miami Dolphins (1-13) - Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga cried after the game, stating that beating the Ravens and claiming his first victory in 14 tries was like winning the Super Bowl. By that thinking, Miami should start 0-13 every year and notch its first victory Week 15. Huizenga can have a whole cabinet of Lombardi trophies by utilizing that strategy. And by the way, didn't it seem like Brian Billick let the Dolphins win? He didn't go for it on fourth-and-goal, while Matt Stover missed a chip-shot field goal in overtime. It wouldn't surprise me that after watching his lover Kyle Boller go down (with an injury), Billick allowed Miami to win. I bet he told Stover to intentionally miss the kick.
30. Baltimore Ravens (4-10) - Brian Billick has named Kyle Boller the starter yet again next week (groan). Let's do some oddities to try and figure out why. 1:100,000 - Billick and Boller have a sexy time, very nice! 1:10,000 - Billick is just clueless. 1:1,000 - Billick is pregnant with Boller's child, and wants Boller to be part of the kid's life. 1:100 - Boller has naked pictures of Billick, and Billick likes it. 1,000,000,000:1 - Other.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (5-9) - I'm eagerly waiting for the day when Emmitt Smith says, "The Bengals doesn't have heart much like the scarecrows in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobes."
28. San Francisco 49ers (4-10) - It really makes you wonder why the 49ers went with Trent "Five Turnover" Dilfer for so long when they had Shaun Hill the whole time. I never polled about 1,000 people in San Francisco, asking why they thought Mike Nolan stuck with Dilfer so long. Here aren't the results: EVEN - Mike Nolan was too busy choosing which suit and tie to wear to each game. 3:1 - Trent Dilfer's Super Bowl ring looked so pretty that it hypnotized every member of the coaching staff, all of whom had no idea what it was. 8:1 - Dilfer has pretty and delicate hands like Alex Smith, so the 49ers naturally assumed he was a great fit for their offense. 1:7 - Bill Belichick gave all of his spy tapes to the 49ers in exchange for their cooperation to finish with one of the worst records in the NFL, allowing New England to draft Darren McFadden.
27. St. Louis Rams (3-11) - Speaking of the Scarecrow, did you know that Ray Bulger played the Scarecrow in the original Wizard of Oz? In honor of this coincidence, Emmitt offers more "analysts" on the movie: "The girl, she was scared of a hurricane that comes to Kansas City. She was sucked in and land on the yellow road that had brick. They said she need to destroy the witch. The Wicked Witch... of the... North. So, she go down the road and find friends who needs help from the Wizard. The Wizard of... Oz. So she click her two heels and run on back home."
26. Kansas City Chiefs (4-10) - It's a sad state of affairs in Kansas City, where general manager Carl Peterson needs a police escort because he's received so many death threats for ruining the franchise. I'm willing to bet that Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle are behind half of them, as they have absolutely no pass protection because Peterson forgot to replace Willie Roaf and Will Shields with quality linemen.
25. Oakland Raiders (4-10) - Everyone has the Raiders taking Sedrick Ellis, Vernon Gholston or Calais Campbell in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft. What about Matt Ryan or Brian Brohm? I know the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell, but there's a good chance Al Davis has forgotten this amid eating Jello and playing Bingo in the retirement home.
24. New York Jets (3-11) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr, Andy Reid and Michael Vick thus far. OK... I'm here with Jessica Simpson! Jessica, glad to have you here. I understand you're dating Tony Romo. How's that going? "Yeah, it's going great! Watching him play baseball is so fun! I'm a huge Cowboys fan now! From what I hear, a cowboy is some sort of man who is part cow. That's like so cool!" Ummm... Not really... "It sucked so much we lost to the Eagles! The Eagles are like the chicken of the air, so that sucks super much!" I'm... getting... dumber... listening... to... you... "Yeah, that's like what Tony said when we first started dating. Now he just sits on the couch and drools all day. Hey... is that drool coming out of your mouth too?" Uhhh... Huh...?
23. Carolina Panthers (6-8) - True story: I had a friend named Matt Moore when I was a kid. This guy drank every single night with his older brother, starting as young as 12 years old. Matt was on my swim team, and would often show up hung over to practice and meets. I hadn't heard from him in a long time, until I suspected that Carolina's new starting quarterback was him. Thinking he was still a drunk, I put my entire savings account on the Seahawks. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I mean, Matt Moore is such an uncommon name, I naturally assumed it was the same guy. The Panthers won, and I'm currently $5.02 in the hole.
The Rest: 11. Minnesota Vikings (8-6). 12. New York Giants (9-5). 13. Tennessee Titans (8-6). 14. Buffalo Bills (7-7). 15. Houston Texans (7-7).
16. New Orleans Saints (7-7). 17. Washington Redskins (7-7). 18. Denver Broncos (6-8).
19. Chicago Bears (5-9). 20. Philadelphia Eagles (6-8). 21. Arizona Cardinals (6-8). 22. Detroit Lions (6-8).