Lane Kiffin: Josh McCown and Andrew Walter were 12-of-23, 148 yards. 1 TD, 2 INTs.
John Beck: 1-of-2, 6 yards. 1 fumble.
Cleo Lemon: 2 INTs, 4 fumbles.
Kurt Warner: 5 INTs.
Kyle Boller: 3 INTs.
Vinny Testaverde: 13-of-28, 84 yards. 1 INT.
Adrian Peterson: 14 carries, 3 yards.
Warrick Dunn: 6 carries, 3 yards.
Kolby Smith: 13 carries, 12 yards.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (13-0) - OK, I'm an idiot for moving the Patriots down to No. 3. They struggled against the Eagles and Ravens, but they proved two things against the Steelers: They're as dominant as ever, and they showed up to the games drunk and-or high the past few weeks.
Indianapolis Colts (11-2) - The Peyton Manning Priceless Pep Talk of the Week: "Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Haloti Whatever-Your-Name-Is... You got pwned, n00bs!" That was Peyton Manning, and he hopes his pricelss pep talk has helped you!
Dallas Cowboys (12-1) - OK, let's get something straight. Do you know how much the Lions game meant to the Cowboys? Here's how much: ... It didn't mean anything! I swear, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I get another e-mail like, "Yo dude, what do you mean the Cowboys weren't trying hard blah blah blah?" I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Dallas, in the wake of beating Green Bay, is two games up in the homefield advantage race. The Cowboys didn't need to beat the Lions. Even if they lost, they'd still be a game ahead of the Packers. There was no reason for them to show up.
Green Bay Packers (11-2) - I'm not sure if you guys have figured it out yet, but Brett Favre likes jeans that are tough. He also likes jeans that fit great. And I have a feeling that he's comfortable in Wrangler. Could be wrong though, I'm not sure.
Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4) - OK, you know what? I stand by ranking the Patriots third on this list last week. I really do. They were playing horrendously against two of the worst teams the NFL has to offer. Their defense made Adam Joshua Feeley and Kyle Boller (a.k.a. the future bearer of Brian Billick's children) look like future Pro Bowlers. Granted, the two teams I ranked ahead of New England, the Colts and Cowboys, were defeated by the Patriots, but both were playing much better at the time. New England's defense and lacking running game still really concerns me.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-4) - And while we're talking about the Patriots, how about Phil Simms taking a cheap shot at the Patriots? When New England fans booed after its team was whistled for defensive holding, he said, "Don't boo, this helped win the game last week." Hey Simms, the Jerk Store called, they're running out of you.
Cleveland Browns (8-5) - I have to note that I was scared the new and unimproved NFL Primetime wouldn't show highlights of the Browns-Jets game. They did, but they failed to give us St. Louis-Cincinnati. Instead, we were forced to listen to Merril Hoge incoherently and repeatedly yell, "Underrr...rated!" during the Seahawks-Cardinals package. I swear, he yelled "underr...rated" in the same tone of voice at least 20 times during the highlight. Hoge is so annoying, if I were stranded on a desert island with him, I'd attempt to get eaten by sharks or kidnapped by the Others before even talking to him.
New York Giants (9-4) - Funny thing I heard on the radio concerning the Eagles-Giants game. Someone said, "You know, maybe losing to the Giants isn't so bad. With a win, they'll get into the playoffs, and Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning will both keep their jobs. Once we rebuild, they'll be easy to beat because Manning sucks and Coughlin can't coach." Thinking outside of the box, I like it.
Seattle Seahawks (9-4) - "Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated! Underrr...ated!" Somewhere in this distance, you could hear millions of gunshots, as football fans across the nation couldn't handle it anymore and decided to end it all.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5) - Speaking of gunshots, I'm glad that whatever's left of the gambling population didn't jump off any bridges this week. No McCown brother covered, so everyone's safe.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-13) - Why is everyone talking about Cam Cameron getting fired? Sure, he's so inept and overwhelmed he couldn't coach a preseason game because he had to decide whom to cut, but the man responsible for this mess is general manager Randy Mueller. Any person who trades for a 75-year-old quarterback a few months removed from a concussion, drafts a kick-returner No. 9 overall and says things like "good golly, gee whiz!" does not deserve an NFL job.
31. San Francisco 49ers (3-10) - Lots of Michael Vick content in the wake of the dog-slaughterer being sentenced 23 months (not nearly enough - at least five years would have been more fair) and the Monday night contest between the Falcons and Saints. Roddy White wore a t-shirt under his jersey that read, "Free Michael Vick!" Unfortunately, we didn't get to see what was written on the back: "...so he can run rampant, kidnap dogs, and drown/electrocute/hang/beat them to death! W00t!"
30. Atlanta Falcons (3-10) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Atlanta, all of whom were wearing No. 7 jerseys at the game, asking why they supported Michael Vick. Here aren't the results: .1% - "My cat told me my damn dog ate my lasagna, and I want revenge, damn it!" .1% - "My dog stole all of my friends and wrote a manuscript with his stupid yellow bird, damn it!" 49.9% - "We don't actually support him; we're just brain-dead and don't understand how disgusting of a human being Michael Vick is. Our bad." 49.9% - "We're sorry. We're classless scumbags with no future prospects who had to sell drugs just to buy a ticket for this game. We have no morals; in fact, we beat our own dogs."
29. St. Louis Rams (3-10) - Brock Berlin? Blah. Let's keep talking about Dog Killer. Tony Kornheiser made it a point to declare that there is no way Michael Vick can stay in shape while playing golf and tennis in prison. Well, I'm here to tell you Vick will be in shape once he "come outside jail," as Emmitt Smith would say. Vick will be faster and stronger once he's done his time. He'll spend his entire sentence running away from horny 500-pound men who want to have his way with him in the shower.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (4-9) - Nice job, Herm. Way to coach. Anyway, if Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr and Andy Reid thus far. OK... I'm here with Michael Vick! Michael, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in prison? "Yo man, I ain't kill no dogs!" Didn't you admit to killing dogs though? Isn't that why you're supposed to be in jail? "I ain't kill no dogs man! Yo man, pass the blunt." Blunt? Didn't you get into trouble with that too? "I ain't smokin no weed!" Whatever, loser. Do you think your 23-month sentence was too long? "Yo man, get the hell out of my house!" Uhh... this is my house... "I ain't kill no dogs, yo!"
27. Oakland Raiders (4-9) - I'm not sure if the Raiders realize this, but they spent the first-overall pick in the 2007 Draft on a quarterback named JaMarcus Russell. Perhaps Al Davis should start writing this stuff down.
26. Carolina Panthers (5-8) - I've been looking over the numbers, and I just realized that I've picked the Panthers four of the past six weeks. Seriously, what the hell am I doing? I've had enough... Let's do some oddities on why I've been doing this! 1:4 - I'm sham-dicapper who can't even pick his own nose right now. 4:1 - I believed Charles Rogers would be a great target for Joey Harrington for 10 years. 10:1 - I thought the Lions taking the donut-eating Mike Williams was a great move! 80:1 - I have a Brian Billick-to-Kyle Boller-like man-crush on Vinny Testaverde and David Carr.
25. New York Jets (3-10) - Instead of predicting an upset like Steelers starting idiot Anthony Smith, everyone on the Jets should say, "I guarantee the Patriots are going to kick our a**."
24. Baltimore Ravens (4-9) - Joining Phil Simms at the Jerk Store is Tony Dungy, who called the second half against the Ravens a "tough half." Hey, Dungy, you're up 37-7!
23. Cincinnati Bengals (5-8) - Ever wonder why you have to be three years out of high school to enter the NFL? Is it because guys younger than 21 years old aren't mature enough? Not quite. I think Roger Goodell is trying to prevent Chris Henry from buying alcohol for players under the drinking age. Unfortunately, what Goodell has forgotten that it's likely that 21-year-olds have sisters who are in high school.
The Rest: 11. Minnesota Vikings (7-6). 12. San Diego Chargers (8-5). 13. Buffalo Bills (7-6). 14. Tennessee Titans (7-6). 15. Arizona Cardinals (6-7).
16. Denver Broncos (6-7). 17. Houston Texans (6-7). 18. New Orleans Saints (6-7).
19. Washington Redskins (6-7). 20. Chicago Bears (5-8). 21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-8). 22. Detroit Lions (6-7).