32. San Francisco 49ers (2-8) - The 49ers, down 13-6 with a few minutes left in regulation and a 4th-and-10 deep inside St. Louis territory, decided to nail a field goal and attempt an onside kick instead of going for it. Pretty dumb decision, right? Well, I never polled about 1,000 people in San Francisco, asking why they thought the 49ers chose to employ this bizarre tactic. Here aren't the results: 25% - The Rams defense is so good! 25% - One of the assistant coaches drank with Peyton Manning and told Mike Nolan there was 12 minutes remaining in the game instead of two. 25% - Trent Dilfer was too busy to get on the field because he was showing off his Super Bowl ring. 25% - San Francisco's entire roster was too perplexed by the ring, unaware what a "Super Bowl" is.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-10) - We're only six weeks away from a mass suicide from the 1972 Dolphins team! It's going to be a beautiful day when the Patriots go 16-0 and Miami finishes 0-16. And by the way, it's a little sad that a possible 0-16 squad isn't the worst team in the NFL. The Dolphins have no talent and are poorly coached. But at least they have veterans. San Francisco doesn't even have those (except for Bryant Young).
30. Oakland Raiders (2-8) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Peeton, I had a god time drinkings withs youse guyses... hic... this weekends! I still thinks I am still drunks! Holy shizzels, whose am I writings to write now!? I am don't eveen knows where I am... hic... rights know! Can I have you're autographs. You're friend, Hic!"
29. Atlanta Falcons (3-7) - Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception. Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception. Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception. Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception. Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception. Byron Leftwich incomplete. Byron Leftwich fumble. Byron Leftwich interception.
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7) - Minnesota's best player is out, its rookie receiver is the top quarterback on the roster and its head coach has no idea what a screen pass is. Other than that, the Vikings are having a great season!
27. St. Louis Rams (2-8) - The Rams should have taken one for the team and intentionally lost to San Francisco last week. By winning, they've moved the 49ers into position to draft second come April. The problem is New England has San Francisco's No. 1 selection. So, by claiming victory, the Patriots basically have Darren McFadden locked up. I think the rest of the league would like to say, "Screw you, Rams! Screw you!"
26. New York Jets (2-8) - Maybe Eric Mangini should have paid less attention to Bill Belichick's video library and more to his own quarterback situation. If Kellen Clemens had started the entire year, the Jets would be 5-5 or 6-4 right now.
25. Baltimore Ravens (4-6) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady thus far. OK... I'm here with Brian Billick! Brian, I understand you were a bit upset about that field goal fiasco against the Browns? "I don't know what happened there." You didn't see it? Phil Dawson kicked it, it bounced off the upright and... "I don't know what happened there." Ummm... OK? So, I take it you weren't a big fan? "I don't know what happened there. And by the way, I know more about football than you, which makes me a God-like figure to you." Is that why you kicked it to Josh Cribbs twice? "Excuse me for a second, let me consult my magic mirror. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the smartest football coach of them all? Oh, I am? Why thank you, you're too kind. OK Walt, I now know for a fact that I am smarter and better than you."
24. Kansas City Chiefs (4-6) - I'm calling Kansas City's loss at Indianapolis a victory for the Chiefs and a defeat for the Colts. I already mentioned the possibility that Peyton Manning got drunk with Anthony Morelli. Oddities on other reasons Indianapolis lost to the crappy Chiefs: 1:20 - Brodie Croyle threatened to take away Peyton Manning's commercials, so Manning got distracted. 2:1 - Peyton Manning got sick, so his mom secretly took his place. 6:1 - Manning couldn't do the passing tree with Marvin Harrison before the game, so he decided to snort some cocaine instead.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-7) - A bit more on John Beck, whom some people (cough, Matt, sneeze) presumed I called a bust in my write-up. I simply wrote, "John Beck looks like a loser. I know he was making his first start on the road, but he looked scared and unsure of himself." I didn't call him a bust; he just looked terrible. And I acknowledged that it was his first start. However, the facts remain that Andy Reid, who loves BYU guys, passed up on him. And the guy who selected him, Randy Mueller, is completely clueless and has no idea what he's doing. So, Beck's a little behind the eight ball in my mind right now.
The Rest: 11. Washington Redskins (5-5). 12. San Diego Chargers (5-5). 13. Houston Texans (5-5). 14. Arizona Cardinals (5-5). 15. Buffalo Bills (5-5). 16. Detroit Lions (6-4). 17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-4). 18. Denver Broncos (5-5). 19. New Orleans Saints (4-6). 20. Chicago Bears (4-6). 21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5). 22. Carolina Panthers (4-6).