32. San Francisco 49ers (2-7) - It was an awkward moment during the Monday night game, but 49ers linebacker Jeff Ulbrich ran up to Matt Hasselbeck and started jabbing him. Hasselbeck appeared confused and looked like he wanted to retaliate. Are you wondering why he did that? We'll you've come to the right place! Oddities on why Ulbrich tried to beat Hasselbeck up: 1:11 - It was the only way San Francisco had a shot in the game. With a backup quarterback, Seattle might not have scored. Thus, the contest would have ended 0-0. 2:1 - Ulbrich went color-blind and thought Hasselbeck was Alex Smith. Ulbrich apparently thought knocking Smith out of the game would help his team win. I'm pretty sure he's right. 6:1 - Ulbrich was mad Mike Holmgren ate his dinner. 14:1 - The 49ers suck so much, Ulbrich just got tired of football and wanted to try out for boxing.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-9) - Don Schula and his entourage pop champagne whenever the last undefeated team loses each year. Well, what's going to happen if the Patriots go 19-0 and the Dolphins lose every single game? Is there going to be something resembling a cult suicide, or something? Could you imagine the entire Dolphins squad donning Patriots jerseys and attempting to drown themselves? Oh, and by the way, I moved San Francisco ahead of the Dolphins on this list based on what I saw on Monday night. The 49ers haven't won since Week 2, so they're sort of winless at 0-7.
30. Oakland Raiders (2-7) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Paytons, my my my, how the mighty haves fallen! You were once the bestest quarterback in the NFL. Now you are a chump. I can't believe you threw sixty picks against the San Diego Padres. With me in the lineup you woulda thrown sixty touchdowns. All to me. I was able to watch the game because I sat at home and did nothing while my team, the Cincinnati Bengals won at Chicago. I am the man. See, I can sit at home, steal cash money and still win. You need me, serious. Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Dom Rodes!"
29. New York Jets (1-8) - Bye. Funny comment by Candyman82 on my forum: "If only Pennington was on the Seahawks in this [50-mph] wind, he might throw 40 yards! I think Candyman meant negative-40 yards. In heavy gusts, Pennington's girly-man tosses would get blown backward by the wind. And by the way, I think the Jets are really underrated now because Kellen Clemens is 10 times the quarterback Pennington is.
28. St. Louis Rams (1-8) - Hey, look what happens when you get a Pro Bowl runner back in the backfield! I wonder what happens when St. Louis gets Orlando Pace on the line. And by the way, if the Rams have really reverted back to the Greatest Show on Turf, this means they still on the road. I long for the days of betting against them when they play on grass. Oh, wait, that never went away. My bad.
27. Atlanta Falcons (3-6) - My weekend was ruined. I was so excited to see the Panthers-Falcons sack each other at least 30 times, given that Joey Harrington and Old Man River were the quarterbacks. To my dismay, the two squads combined for only four sacks. I cried for six hours. I'm not lying.
26. Minnesota Vikings (3-6) - The league's worst offense just lost its best player. Awesome. Vikings fans must be excited to watch the dynamic duo of Brooks Bollinger and Chester Taylor next week.
25. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5) - Let's see... It took Herman Edwards an entire year and a trade to bench Trent Green, and nine weeks to sit Damon Huard. Get ready for Brodie Croyle, Chiefs fans! Even if he sucks, you'll have to watch him until 2011.
24. Houston Texans (4-5) - Bye. If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith and Channing Crowder thus far. OK... I'm here with Tom Brady! Tom... Tom!? Oops, I just saw him wandering off somewhere with five super models. Oh, wait, look who it is, it's Peyton Manning! Peyton, glad you could join me. "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. Tired of watching blowouts on TV? You should get DirecTV!" Why, actually, I am tired of that. Maybe I will get DirecTV. You're really good at advertising! "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. I'm comfortable in Wrangler." Ummm... isn't that Brett Favre's commercial? "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning. You don't want to be me. You want to be better than me." That's not your commercial either. Can you not advertise for something else please? "Hi, I'm Peyton Manning..."
23. Baltimore Ravens (4-5) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Baltimore, asking what the Ravens can do to improve their offense. Here aren't the results: 40% - Institute a new offense where the quarterback operates from his knees. Kyle Boller can throw 70 yards from his knees, so with this attack, he could become a Hall-of-Famer. 30% - Bring back Stoney Case, Tony Banks and Chris Redman! 20% - Sign Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss, Cris Carter, Robert Smith and Jake Reed. Brian Billick can't possibly screw up with those guys. 9.9% - Break into Tom Brady's house, steal his quarterbacking skills, and give them to Boller. 0.1% - Start me! I almost won the BCS title! (I think this guy said his name was Troy).
The Rest: 11. San Diego Chargers (5-4). 12. Buffalo Bills (5-4). 13. Detroit Lions (6-3). 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-4). 15. New Orleans Saints (4-5). 16. Washington Redskins (5-4). 17. Denver Broncos (4-5). 18. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6). 19. Philadelphia Eagles (4-5). 20. Arizona Cardinals (4-5). 21. Chicago Bears (4-5). 22. Carolina Panthers (4-5).