Why do you keep on mocking Nkemdiche to the Bills? He makes no sense for them. He's a run-stuffing athlete who can never finish plays, sack the QB, or resist being a prima donna. He's not a good football player, he's just a good athlete playing football.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (8-0) - Well, I guess Bill Belichick ran up the score against the Redskins this week, but at least he didn't torch Joe Gibbs' house, impregnate his wife and kidnap his kids. Eric Mangini better watch out though.
Indianapolis Colts (7-0) - The Peyton Manning Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey, Carolina Panthers. I thought I'd be nice to you this week. I was kind enough to spot you seven points. I didn't even bring my best receiver to your stadium. I even neglected to complete a pass in the first quarter. Yet, I still beat you 31-7. Ha! You suck! I am the man! I'm Peyton Manning, and I hope this pep talk has helped you."
Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) - I don't have the exact stat, but I think Ben Roethlisberger is 32,954-0 in the state of Ohio. If I were Roethlisberger, I would just take the money, retire and buy Ohio lottery tickets every night. With that strategy, Roethlisberger would be a trillionaire by 2009.
Dallas Cowboys (6-1) - Any Cowboy fans concerned that Dallas hasn't played a good game in a month? They struggled at the Bills, were blown out against New England, barely scraped by the Vikings and just had their bye.
Tennessee Titans (5-2) - If Vince Young is so overrated, how did he knock off the Jaguars and come within a dropped pass of slaying Indianapolis? I'm sure he had more to do with those contests than just hand the ball off to the Hamburglar.
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-2) - You don't know how many times I said and wrote "Earl Gray Quinn" instead of "Quinn Gray" this week. You know what? I'm going to call him Earl Gray Quinn from now on. That sounds so much better than Gray Quinn. Or is it Quinn Gray? Bah, I'm so confused.
New York Giants (6-2) - Looks like the Giants survived the 50-hour flight, poisonous food and people with crooked teeth. Everyone, including Merril Hoge, wants to crown them as the top team in the NFC. I still have to see New York beat Dallas; I know they have a better defense now, but the Cowboys beat them without their top cornerback. Plus, we still have no evidence that Eli Manning won't have a late-season meltdown.
Green Bay Packers (6-1) - Guess whom I'm imitating right now: "Oh my God, Brett Favre is so great. I love Brett Favre. Brett Favre is the man. He's so cool! Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre!!!!" I'll give you a hint: I'm everyone on TV.
San Diego Chargers (4-3) - What is going on here? The fans are supposed to boo Norv Turner. He's not supposed to win! What happened to his book, How to Get Everyone to Plead for Your Firing for Dummies? Actually, now that I think about it, if the opposition hands you two touchdowns on a silver platter at the beginning of the game, my dog could coach a team to victory.
Cleveland Browns (4-3) - The NFL really has a lot of mediocre teams if I'm forced to place the Browns in my Top 10. However, they're 4-2 with Derek Anderson under center. More impressive is the fact that they came the closest to knocking off New England.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-8) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week (he never really said this, obviously, but this is how he talks): "Good golly gee, wow, we had such a good time in the city of Europe, good golly. The people there were so hospitable, gee whiz. I thought our little football game was swell. We almost won, but the New York Big Fellows had a teensy-weensy bit more talent than we did. I was glad to see our Theodore Ginn fellow score his first goal, hoo boy! I was also excited to see James Taylor terrorize the locals. I didn't even know he was so tall. Good golly."
31. St. Louis Rams (0-8) - Let's see... Marc Bulger has broken ribs. Orlando Pace's shoulder is busted. Steven Jackson has arthritis. Scott Linehan has lost his mind. Other than that, the Rams are looking pretty good.
30. New York Jets (1-7) - Now that Chad Pennington has finally lost his job to Kellen Clemens, I can do more oddities on Pennington's future prospects: 2:1 - Join for a pee-wee league and eventually get booed by a crowd that wants to see a 6-year-old take his spot. 5:1 - Sign with the Bears, only to see his passes get blown backward by the Chicago wind. 10:1 - Get picked last in a 12-year-old pick-up game in the New Jersey suburbs and get named the designated water boy.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-6) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Russell Crowe in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I had Emmitt Smith last week... OK... I'm here with Keyshawn Johnson! Keyshawn, glad you could join me. "Yes, I'm glad to be a guest on WalterFootball.net." Ummm... that's not the name of my Web site. It's .com; not .net. "Yes, I'm glad to be a guest on WalterFootballs.com" OK, let's just move on. I understand you're doing TV now. "Yes, I'm on NFL Sunday Countdown. We talk about football every Saturday morning." NFL Sunday Countdown? You count down to Sunday? Don't you mean Sunday NFL Countdown? And don't you work on Sunday? "C'mon man, I was a tight end in the American Football League! CBS hired me to make picks! I played for the New York Giants, Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Carolina Hurricanes! I think I know what I am talking about!" OK, whatever you say, Key. "That's it! This interview is over! Stop the cameras!"
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-5) - Wasn't this team supposed to surprise everyone and make the playoffs? How do you get blown out at home against a losing team that had one good half the entire season going into the game?
27. Oakland Raiders (2-5) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Paytons, I hear you have a big game against the Patriots coming up. I found this out watching SportsCenter as I was stealing Benjamins from Al Davis, while faking my injury. Should I throw a couple of duckets on the Pats? Look, I no you beat thems last year, but that was all lucky. Brady Quinn now has Santana Moss to through two. How you got in the backfield, Payton? Some cat named Joseff Adore? Camden Keith? You need me, man. Seriously, if you gimme some of you're signin bonus, I'll come back. Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domunik Roads!"
26. Minnesota Vikings (2-5) - Brooks Bollinger is the best quarterback on this roster. How sad is that? What will it take to sign Jeff George or Aaron Brooks? If Vinny Testaverde can still play, Minnesota should give George or Brooks a shot.
25. Houston Texans (3-5) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Houston, asking what the Texans can do to finally make the playoffs. Here aren't the results: .1% - Hire Charley Casserly so he can draft Jabar Gaffney over Clinton Portis, and David Ragone in the third round (it should be noted that Casserly lives in Houston - I think.) 80% - Get Andre Johnson healthy. 10% - Cut David Carr (these people haven't been paying attention the past nine months). 9.9% - Move the franchise to Tennessee.
24. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) - Let's hope Kurt Warner has healed up enough during the bye week so he doesn't have to use his walker during the game on Sunday. Actually, Tampa Bay might be my Survivor Pick, so let's hope for a wheelchair - just for this one game.
23. Buffalo Bills (3-4) - I know J.P. Losman threw a ridiculous 85-yard bomb to Lee Evans this week, and performed better than Trent Edwards, but I think Buffalo should stick with their rookie. Look, despite the fact that the Bills won three of four, there's a very slim chance they're making the playoffs this year. I doubt they're going to pass either the Titans or Jaguars, both of whom are 5-2. Assuming that's correct, Buffalo needs to prepare for 2008. Barring a massive injury, Edwards will be the team's signal caller next year. He needs playing time. Starting Losman would be a waste. And besides, do you really want to go with a quarterback who has a girly voice anyway?
The Rest: 11. Detroit Lions. 12. Seattle Seahawks. 13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 14. Washington Redskins. 15. New Orleans Saints. 16. Denver Broncos. 17. Cincinnati Bengals.
18. Carolina Panthers. 19. Chicago Bears. 20. Philadelphia Eagles. 21. Baltimore Ravens. 22. Kansas City Chiefs.