Elvis Dumervil: 4 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble.
Paul Spicer: 4 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble.
Larry Foote: 6 tackles, 1 INT, 1 forced fumble.
Jared Allen: 9 tackles, 2 sacks.
Greg Ellis: 4 tackles, 2 sacks.
Tommie Harris: 3 tackles, 2 sacks.
Scrubs of the Week:
Marc Bulger: 3 fumbles, 2 INTs.
Trent Dilfer: 3 fumbles, 2 INTs.
Tarvaris Jackson: 6-of-19, 72 yards.
Quinn Gray: 9-of-24, 56 yards. 2 INTs.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (7-0) - The reporter who questioned Bill Belichick about running up the score deserves to be smacked in the face with a lead pipe. Or maybe a wrench - in the ballroom. I guess that person wasn't watching the scoreboard, when the Texans put up 29 in the fourth quarter. As Bill Parcells said on Monday night, "No lead in the NFL is safe."
Indianapolis Colts (7-0) - The Peyton Manning Pep Talk of the Week: "Hey, Jacksonville Jaguars. I know you beat me 44-7 last year. Yeah, so what? I won the Super Bowl a few months later. Now, I walked into your stadium and ripped your heart out of your chest. Then, I put it in a paper bag and ate it for lunch. And then, it came out of me - if you know what I'm saying - and then I ate it again. Not joking. You guys suck. Your gameplan sucks. Your backup quarterback sucks. I am the man. Hope that helps."
Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2) - The Steelers are still No. 3 in my book. They were in a really tough spot at Denver, as the Broncos, who are invincible with Mike Shanahan coming off a bye, were playing for respect after losing to the Chargers at home, 41-3.
Dallas Cowboys (6-1) - The Cowboys took the week off - they gave up two fumbles, one in the red zone, the other returned for a touchdown - and still managed to win by 10. Luckily, they beat up on a quarterback who averaged 1.5 completions per quarter, and a coach who studied Norv Turner's How to Get Everyone to Plead for Your Firing for Dummies and consequently gave his best player 12 carries.
Tennessee Titans (4-2) - I don't think anyone realizes how bizarre the Texans-Titans game was. Sure, everyone's talking about a great comeback, but let's break it down. First, Kerry Collins, Roydell Williams and a running back with a double chin score 32 points in three quarters. Second, Sage Rosenfels - no, not Terrell Owens' agent - puts up 29 in a span of only 14 minutes. Third, Collins, now completely sober, engineers a game-winning drive, thanks to a great pass to Williams. The bottom line - Collins and Rosenfels combined for 65 points.
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2) - What were the Jaguars thinking in the first half? I thought they were a running team. Why throw every single down? OK, I can see airing it out a bit more than usual to throw Indianapolis off, but Jacksonville's pass-happy offense resulted in two botched fourth downs and an injury to David Garrard.
New York Giants (5-2) - I'd like to thank the 49ers for subjecting us to one of the worst gameplans of all time. With four defensive ends on the field, I expected San Francisco to take advantage of its size advantage and pummel Frank Gore up the middle until the Giants were forced to make an adjustment. Instead, the 49ers insisted on dropping Trent Dilfer seven steps, at which point he was already under pressure. I got so frustrated, I had to change the channel.
Green Bay Packers (5-1) - Is it a coincidence that Brett Favre and Vinny Testaverde had the same week off? Definitely not. I'm willing to bet that Favre and Testaverde met up for a game of shuffleboard, a Matlock marathon and an all-you-can-eat Jell-O buffet.
San Diego Chargers (3-3) - An excerpt of Norv Turner's How to Get Everyone to Plead for Your Firing for Dummies: "Not giving the ball to your best player is key, but one thing that will have fans turn against you is to bring some of your star athletes to tears. This can be accomplished by creating a malaise in the locker room, having your players commit countless penalties and allowing teammates to fight on the sideline."
Washington Redskins (4-2) - This is so frustrating. I wanted to take the Redskins out of my Top 10. But I just couldn't find another team better than them. The Buccaneers just lost to the Lions. The Seahawks win 34-7 one week and lose 34-7 the next. The 4-2 Panthers and Vinny Testaverde? The defensively challenged Bengals? The Browns? I need to vomit.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-7) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week (he never really said this, obviously, but this is how he talks): "Good golly gee, wow, we are going to Britian this week. What a great city, let me tell you. I haven't been there yet, but golly wolly wow, I heard that they drink wine and eat cheese with every meal. That sounds just as good as how Cleo Lemon played against the Patriots. Boy, they were such a tough bunch, but we played strong and managed to stay within 50, which was our goal. Gee whiz, it was oh oh oh oh oh so damaging to see Ronald Brown go down for the season. Hoo boy, at least we have Jesse Chapman and Richard Williams coming back from his vacation. Good golly."
31. St. Louis Rams (0-7) - Does anyone know if Marc Bulger has more turnovers or broken ribs? People should be allowed to bet on this.
30. Atlanta Falcons (1-6) - When Bobby Petrino decided to bench Joey Harrington in favor of Byron Leftwich last week, Harrington neglected to take the high road like David Garrard chose to do this offseason. Instead, Harrington opined, "I think it's a horrible decision." Leftwich is done now, so when Chris Redman takes Harrington's spot by mid-November, Harrington can do something more drastic like force his head coach to eat caviar and listen to his piano playing. Harrington's a monster.
29. New York Jets (1-6) - Oddities on what Chad Pennington will do once he loses his job to Kellen Clemens 2:1 - Use his "powerful" arm to become a women's softball pitcher. 5:1 - Play hopscotch with other men who throw like little girls. 10:1 - Retire to a life of gardening, wine-tasting and bird-watching. 12:1 - Become a TV analyst so he can have the privilege of covering the Jets.
28. Oakland Raiders (2-4) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Deer Payton, Just watched you play against the Jaguars on Sunday Night Football. I no you guys are undefeated, but I still bet all my money against you, because I figured that you lossed 44-17 to the Jags with me last year, you must lose to them 328-1 this year. Oops. Now I have kno more cash money. Can I borrow some money from you? I swear I'll give it back. C'mon man, the reason I didn't get resigned is 'cuz of you're contract. Plz! Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domanick Rodez!"
27. Buffalo Bills (2-4) - I can't tell if Trent Edwards is any good. He seems to make solid throws in the first half, but he's always good for a game-deciding interception in the final 15 minutes. He's so erratic, he's like a quarterback version of the Carolina Panthers.
26. Minnesota Vikings (2-4) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Minnesota, asking what the Vikings should do to improve upon Tarvaris Jackson's six completions. Here aren't the results: 40% - Purchase a pair of anti-color-blindness goggles so he can distinguish between his own receivers and the opposing defensive backs. 30% - Sign Jeff George. 20% - Trade for Quinn Gray. 9.9% - Put Adrian Peterson at quarterback, so he can just run the ball if no one is open (I really think this would work - better than just using Jackson as the signal caller, anyway.) 0.1% - "I don't suck... I mean Tarvaris Jackson doesn't suck! He had six completions Sunday! That's a lot. I'm proud of my performance... I mean, he's proud of my performance! He's the best quarterback in the NFL!"
25. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) - Why was Anquan Boldin in at quarterback during Arizona's potential game-tying 2-point conversion? I understand using Boldin in the middle of the contest for a trick play... but at one of the most crucial moments of the game? If this is the way the Cardinals like to do things, I'd suggest Kurt Warner at place kicker, though he would somehow get hurt.
24. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3) - Ugh. Argh. Blah. Some of the words to describe my frustration seeing the horrendous Chiefs maintain a 4-3 record and the lead in the AFC West. They're going to end up 10-6 or 11-5, and get blasted in the first round of the playoffs. By the way, I liked Bill Simmons' explanation for Kansas City's inexplicable start. He said that Herman Edwards was cunning enough to fool everyone into thinking he was inept on HBO's Hard Knocks. Well, Edwards tricked us all.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Russell Crowe in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? OK... I'm here with Emmitt Smith! Emmitt, I understand you've recently been inducted into the Hall of Fame. "Yes, I has been conducted into
the hall!" That's great, Emmitt. I also understand you are an analyst on ESPN? "Yes, I is an analysis on ESPN. I like talkin about footballs. I also enjoys been on the air and comin into people's television set." Awesome, Emmitt, thanks for stopping by. "Thank yous for havin me. If you ever wants my analysts, just shoots me an e-mails."
The Rest: 11. Seattle Seahawks. 12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 13. Cleveland Browns. 14. Cincinnati Bengals.
15. New Orleans Saints. 16. Carolina Panthers. 17. Detroit Lions. 18. Denver Broncos. 19. Chicago Bears. 20. Baltimore Ravens. 21. Houston Texans. 22. San Francisco 49ers.