32. Miami Dolphins (0-6) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week (he never really said this, obviously, but this is how he talks): "Good golly gee, wow, we are now in control of our division and oh geez golly jolly we had such a nice game against those Cleveland Indians. It was oh oh oh oh so nice to see our Lemon guy throw such a great throws in place of Trent Green. Ronnie Brown is so terrific right now, it's so special to see him getting so many carries. Our head coach is so smart, it's really overwhelming sometimes, especially when I catch him taking a sneak peek at some Web sites my daddy looks at when I'm not home. Hoo boy, I'm so excited about our trip to France to play the New York Jets. Gee whiz, it's going to be a good time. Wow."
31. St. Louis Rams (0-6) - Great news! Marc Bulger is back! If only he didn't suck before he was hurt...
30. Atlanta Falcons (1-5) - The Falcons are miserable to watch. They're not the worst team in the league; they just make more mistakes than any other squad. Check out these mental errors they committed on Monday night: Roddy White dropped a first down inside the 20 on the first drive; Demorrio Williams was whistled for roughing the punter, which set up the Giants' first touchdown; the offense couldn't get any points after recovering an Eli Manning fumble on the Giants' 30; Joe Horn dropped the ball beyond the marker on third down in the second quarter; and Alge Crumpler couldn't reel in anything thrown to him.
29. New York Jets (1-5) - I have no idea why I didn't list the Jets and their quarterback, Chad Pennington, who throws the ball like an 8-year-old girl, in my Bottom 10 last week. My bad.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3) - It's unbelievable that the Chiefs are 3-3 and leading the AFC West. so, with that in mind... about 1,000 people weren't polled in Kansas City, asking how the Chiefs have achieved a 3-3 record after six weeks: 55% - Herm Edwards' experience running NFL.com fashion shows has made him better at orchestrating the two-minute offense. 20% - Players have bought in to Larry Johnson's sit-on-the-couch-all-offseason diet, and everyone is in shape. 15% - Damon Huard? Easily the next John Elway. 10% - Jared Allen tends to run over his opponents after a night of drinking.
27. Oakland Raiders (2-3) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Dear Payton, I no you had a weak off so I hope you didn't bet on my team against the San Diego Padres! I bet against myself and lossed, but then I remember I make millions of dollars! Ha! Not as much as you obvious, because I was toll you're contract is the reason I'm not in the city of Indiana anymore. But I still got the bling-bling if you no what I'm sayin! Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domonick Rhodez!"
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-3) - I guess we have to put the Cardinals here because by the time Kurt Warner comes back, they'll be like 4-8. And by the way, isn't it amazing that I'm listing two first-place teams in my Bottom 10? Why are there so many mediocre teams in the NFL?
25. Buffalo Bills (1-4) - The Music City Miracle. The Disaster Against Dallas. Wide Right. The other three Super Bowls. The Bills love losing the most excruciating way possible in an effort to torture their fans. Oddities on how the Bills will experience their next disheartening loss. 5:1 - The Bills will be up 49-0 with 10 minutes remaining. Dick Jauron will replace Trent Edwards with J.P. "Girly-Voice Man" Losman, who will throw eight pick-sixes, losing the game 56-49. 5:1 - Buffalo, up 20-14, will kneel down to ice the game. Unfortunately, the team will botch the snap, allowing the defense to return the ball for a touchdown. 21-20. 5:1 - Rian Lindell will miss eight 20-yard field goals, as the Bills lose 2-0. 5:1 - Down six late in the fourth quarter, Marshawn Lynch will find an open crease and run toward daylight. Unfortunately, he'll trip over the Bills logo at midfield and fumble the ball. 5:1 - Buffalo will successfully orchestrate a hook-and-ladder and score a touchdown to draw within one. The extra point? Wide right!
24. Minnesota Vikings (2-3) - Like I wrote two weeks ago, the Vikings can run the ball and stop the run better than anyone in the NFL. If that damn gravity thing that keeps things from floating up in the air was stronger, Minnesota would be the best team in the NFL. And by the way, can we quit it with Adrian Peterson being better than LaDainian Tomlinson? He's played five games in the NFL! The knock on him was his durability; once he starts carrying the ball more, he could wear down.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) - I'm sick of people saying "It must be tough to be Peyton Manning's brother" in regard to Eli. Yeah, it must be so difficult to play football for a living, make millions of dollars and get any girl you want.
The Rest: 11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 12. Seattle Seahawks. 13. Cleveland Browns. 14. Cincinnati Bengals. 15. Baltimore Ravens. 16. San Francisco 49ers. 17. Houston Texans. 18. New Orleans Saints. 19. Carolina Panthers. 20. Detroit Lions. 21. Denver Broncos. 22. Chicago Bears.