32. Miami Dolphins (0-5) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week: "Good golly gee, wow, we have a .500 record now and oh geez we played so well last week against the Houston Oilers. it was oh oh oh oh oh so nice to see Trent Green have such a great game. He is such a great talent, he can take naps on the field. Did you see how much that Houston Astros player was yelling at him? Gee whiz, that's how terrific Trent Green is playing right now. I can't wait until next week so we can beat the jolly Cleveland Indians, although they are such a great club. Hoo boy. Wow."
31. St. Louis Rams (0-5) - Gus Frerotte? Moving on, I wish the Bills could wear those jerseys every game. I'd even consider buying one.
30. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) - Oddities on how Kelly Holcomb, Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger spent their bye week: 1:4 - They learned the difference between throwing to their own teammates and tossing passes to their opponents. 2:1 - They went to the eye doctor to fix their color blindness because they all seem to do is throw to random targets. 6:1 - They illegaly videotaped the Bears at Green Bay. 10:1 - They had a seance to channel the talent of Fran Tarkenton and Daunte Culpepper (pre-suckiness).
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-4) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in Atlanta, asking whom the quarterback should be against the Giants next week. 99.7% - Who cares!? They all suck! 0.1% - Mmmmm caviar... Anyone up for some piano playing!? (three guesses on who that is). 0.1% - Hey hey hey!!!! (three guesses on who that is). 0.1% - Wow, am I still in the league? Holy crap! (three guesses on who that is).
28. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) - Prior to the start of the season, I predicted Larry Johnson to struggle because holding out would make him fat and out of shape. I also said he would wear down because of all the carries he had last year. And, I noted how horrendous Kansas City's offensive line is. Something I didn't bring up, however, would be Johnson's tendancy to run like a little school girl prancing through a flower garden.
27. New Orleans Saints (0-4) - Shaun Alexander is almost running the same way. The difference is, Alexander sits down like he's going to the bathroom at the first sight of contact. I'm so happy I decided to draft neither in any of my fantasy leagues.
26. Oakland Raiders (2-2) - Letters From Dominic: "Dear Payton, I saw you won vs. Tampa Bay Pirate Men this weekend by many points. You even cover spread for two weeks in a row. Good job. I spent my entire day betting on the games because we had a by weak. Someone toll me you have a new runnin back named Kendrick Keith. I sea your going threw more running backs. First you toss me aside and I have to live off JaMarcus Russell's trash until the Raiders gave me a contract, now your dissin Joseph Adore. That's mean man! Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domonick Rhoades."
25. Buffalo Bills (1-4) - I won the Bills +11 and Bills +10.5 second half, but I'm depressed. I wanted Buffalo to win because that game meant so much to them. I'm also upset Dick Jauron didn't yell, "They are who we thought they were! And we let 'em off the hook!"
24. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) - Let's hope Andy Reid has spent his bye week figuring out how to help his rookie offensive tackle protect against pass rushers instead of eating Doritos.
23. Carolina Panthers (3-2) - David Carr is now Carolina's starter for the rest of the season. Don't worry Panthers fans! There is a silver lining. Carolina always wins as an underdog and loses as a favorite. With Carr in at quarterback, the team will be a dog for the next few weeks. That's a guaranteed 7-2 or 8-2 record, right?
The Rest: 11. San Diego Chargers. 12. Chicago Bears. 13. Cincinnati Bengals. 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 15. New York Jets. 16. Houston Texans. 17. Cleveland Browns. 18. Baltimore Ravens. 19. Arizona Cardinals. 20. San Francisco 49ers. 21. Detroit Lions. 22. Denver Broncos.