32. Miami Dolphins (0-4) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week: "Good golly gee, wow, we have zero wins and four losses, but let me tell you, our team is playing so great right now. I can't say enough about Trent Green. Gee whiz, what a warrior. Joey Porter is also a special quarterback. What a great talent he has been. We came oh oh oh oh oh so close to knocking off those jolly wolly Raiders of Los Angeles, hoo boy, I can't wait for our next game against the Texans. Gee whiz, are they a good club, or what? Wow."
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4) - Marc Bulger has broken ribs, Orland Pace is out for the year and Steven Jackson is killing fantasy teams. Other than that, the Rams are having a good year.
30. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) - Troy Williamson. Bobby Wade. Jeff Dugan. Other than Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, these are the weapons the Vikings have on offense. No wonder they're on pace to go 4-12.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-3) - The Joey Harrington Theorem returns! Check out my Week 5 picks by Wednesday night for details.
28. Carolina Panthers (2-2) - I love when people say they can't figure out the Panthers. It's simple. They win when they're underdogs. They lose when they're favored. Trust me.
27. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2) - Can we change NFL rules to state that any victory over Norv Turner by less than five touchdowns doesn't count? I mean, beating a coach who blatantly refuses to utilize his best player by less than 35 points is nothing to be proud of.
26. Buffalo Bills (1-3) - Oddities on any possible reason why the Bills would bench Trent Edwards in favor of J.P. "Girly-Voice Man" Losman: 1:50 - Injury. 3:1 - Losman woos Dick Jauron with his girly-man voice.
25. Oakland Raiders (2-2) - Wasn't it a few weeks ago that everyone was saying the Raiders couldn't win any games? Now they're beating teams on the road? How much do the Dolphins suck? And how crappy do they feel that they let Daunte Culpepper go in favor of 83-year-old Trent Green?
24. New Orleans Saints (0-3) - The Saints, Chargers, Bears and Eagles are a combined 3-12. The Lions, Raiders, Cardinals and Browns are 9-7. My head's about to explode.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in Philadelphia, asking why Andy Reid refused to give left tackle Winston Justice help with blocking Osi Umenyiora. 1% - Reid was too engrossed in his restaurant menu he calls a playchart, deciding what to order for his eighth dinner. .05% - Reid was angry that Justice stole the lobster he had stashed in his fridge. 98.5% - Who cares!? The Phillies are going to the playoffs!
The Rest: 11. New York Giants. 12. Washington Redskins. 13. New York Jets. 14. San Diego Chargers. 15. Denver Broncos. 16. Detroit Lions. 17. Chicago Bears. 18. Houston Texans. 19. Cleveland Browns. 20. Baltimore Ravens. 21. San Francisco 49ers. 22. Arizona Cardinals.