Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (3-0) - You know what would be cool? After going through Overblown Videotaping-Gate, Bill Belichick got so angry that he decided that he would score exactly 38 points on every single defense in the NFL this year. Something tells me he'll have no problem continuing that trend against Cincinnati.
Indianapolis Colts (3-0) - This is Peyton Manning's best year. Forget the Super Bowl. Dismiss the 49 touchdowns in 2004. The fact that Manning is getting it done despite all the time he spent doing all five million of his commercials is astonishing.
Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0) - Glad to see other people finally have the Steelers ranked third. I feel better about myself.
Dallas Cowboys (3-0) - Can someone explain why Julius Jones has more carries than Marion Barber? Barber scores more touchdowns and is averaging almost double the yards per attempt Barber is. At this point, I'm convinced Jones has a naked picture of Wade Phillips and is using it for blackmail. Not that anyone would want to see that.
Tennessee Titans (2-1) - It's the two-minute warning of the first half as I'm typing this. At this stage of the Titans-Saints game, Vince Young only has two carries. I said it last week, and I feel obligated to mention it again. Young needs to scramble more often.
Green Bay Packers (3-0) - It's a good thing the Packers have played all of their games on Sunday; Monday is Bingo Night at the old-age home, and I don't think Brett Favre would want to miss that.
Seattle Seahawks (2-1) - The Seahawks would be 3-0 if it wasn't for a botched handoff in Arizona. Seattle would have triumphed by three, and I'd be one more push on a Money Pick closer to hanging myself.
Baltimore Ravens (2-1) - I hate putting the Ravens up here because they almost blew a pair of huge leads two weeks in a row. That's not going to fly against the Steelers, Patriots and Colts.
San Diego Chargers (1-2) - Dilemma: What if you have a general manager who drafts all the right players, but inexplicably fires exceptional coaches who go 14-2? What do you do? If I were San Diego's brass, I'd help A.J. Smith out by hiring a head-coach coordinator.
Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) - I almost put the Jets here, but then I remembered that they surrendered 300 yards to a 63-year-old quarterback who's had so many concussions he doesn't even know his own name. I know the Bengals have no defense, but who else deserves to be in the Top 10? The Broncos, who beat the Bills and Raiders by a combined four points? The Eagles, who can only defeat the lowly Lions? Rex Grossman? I should just have a Top 9.
32. Atlanta Falcons (0-3) - DeAngelo Hall had 67 penalty yards against the Panthers - in one series! That's two-thirds of an entire football field! Do you think I could sue Hall? Given that the Falcons probably would have beaten the Panthers (or at least covered the four points), I lost money and a pick on this site, thanks to Hall's mental breakdown. Hall will be hearing from my lawyers soon.
31. Cleveland Browns (1-2) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in Cleveland, asking how the Browns will avenge their loss to the Raiders, in which their opponent played Ice the Kicker. 33% - Ice Matt Stover next week. Duh. 33% - Ship their starting quarterback to Seattle. 33% - Romeo Crennel will challenge someone to an eating contest, win, and then devour his opponent for an encore.
30. Miami Dolphins (0-3) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week: "Good golly gee, wow, we almost almost almost beat the jolly green Jets on Sunday, but we came oh, oh, oh, oh so close. Trent Green was so terrific, he threw for almost 54,000 yards; our great talent Ronnie Brown made some good hits; and Ted Ginn finally got his first carry, it was so terrific and exciting to watch. We were losing 31-13 and golly gee, wow, we came back to lose by three to screw Walt's 5-Unit Double Money Pick, good golly gee, wow.
29. Buffalo Bills (0-3) - I have to give forum poster Bills_red credit for this: Safety Ko Simpson, out for the year. Corner Jason Webster, out for the year. Tight end Kevin Everett, career likely over. Linebacker Paul Posluszny, out for the year. Coy Wire, Ryan Denney, Keith Ellison, out for at least a month. Girly-Voice Man, out for a few weeks. Oh, wait... that last one is good.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-2) - The Chiefs suck. In past years, they would have bounced back from an 0-2 start in their home opener with a blowout victory over a sub-par opponent. Instead, they won by just three points. Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Herm Edwards and GM Carl Peterson all have to go.
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-2) - The Vikings are great at running the ball and stopping the run. If gravity were stronger, and everything were stuck to the surface of the Earth, Minnesota would be the best team in the league! Damn you, gravity. Damn you.
26. St. Louis Rams (0-3) - The good news? After getting sacked six times against the 49ers, Marc Bulger went down only once at Tampa Bay. The bad news? Bulger was hurried so much he was forced into three picks. As I wrote last week, the Rams have no shot without Orlando Pace.
25. Oakland Raiders (0-3) - Letters From Dominic: "Dear Payton, I saw you won vs. Houston Oilers this weekend by six. Not enough to cover the spread I sea. I followed WalterFootball.com's picks and I get you're game wrong! Why you can't win by seven? Did you see the end of are game vs. Cleveland Indians? The guy made the kick the first time, but it didn't count cuz are coach Monte Kiffin call timeout. After that, they had to kick again and mist! We won by too, but that wasn't enough to cover either. That's 0-2 day for me. Can I have you're autograph. You're friend, Domonick Rhodes."
24. New Orleans Saints (0-3) - Oddities on why the Saints are 0-3: 1:3 - Their longest pass all year has been -43 yards! 3:1 - Drew Brees' shoulder still hasn't healed from 2005. Why didn't the Saints sign Daunte Culpepper? 5:1 - Reggie Bush is too busy running through a maze instead of hitting the hole. 10:1 - Deuce McAllister is eating too many hot dogs before and after practice.
23. Arizona Cardinals (1-2) - The Cardinals are six points and a Brenda Warner hairdo away from being undefeated. Whatever that means.
The Rest: 11. New York Jets. 12. Jacksonville Jaguars. 13. Denver Broncos. 14. Chicago Bears. 15. Houston Texans. 16. Carolina Panthers. 17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
18. San Francisco 49ers. 19. New York Giants. 20. Washington Redskins. 21. Philadelphia Eagles. 22. Detroit Lions.