Rex Grossman: 12-of-23, 145 yards. 1 INT, 1 fumble.
Matt Leinart: 14-of-28, 102 yards. 1 TD, 2 INTs.
Donovan McNabb: 15-of-33, 184 yards. 1 TD, 1 INT.
Lee Evans: 2 catches, 5 yards.
Muhsin Muhammad: 1 catch, 8 yards.
Deion Branch: 0 catches.
Jason David: Burnt on three TDs by the Colts.
Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (1-0) - I can't believe people actually think the Patriots cheated against the Jets. Question: If New England planned on stealing signals this year, why would they do it against a team whose fans cheer when its quarterback gets hurt? Wouldn't they save it for San Diego or Indianapolis? Were they practicing their cheating? And if they have been cheating since their first Super Bowl run, why haven't they won a championship in a while? This is ridiculous.
Indianapolis Colts (1-0) - How did Indianapolis' defense get so good this quickly? They must be cheating. Quick, someone make a tape comprised of crappy YouTube videos, take it to ESPN and watch them overblow another story!
San Diego Chargers (1-0) - If I hear one more person concerned about LaDainian Tomlinson's mediocre numbers, I'm going to jump through my second-story window. Seriously. I love how every pundit on TV completely disregards that he was running against Chicago's incredible defense. Also, consider this: In Week 7, 2005, Tomlinson carried the ball 17 times for only seven yards against the Eagles! Yeah, I guess the fact that he didn't play in the preseason affected that performance as well.
Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) - I guess you could say this is my first controversial ranking. I'm not basing this on what the Steelers did to the lowly Browns; I just think we're going to see the team that won the Super Bowl two seasons ago. Ben Roethlisberger suffered through a motorcycle accident, an appendectomy and a concussion within the span of a few months last season, yet Pittsburgh managed to go 8-8. I'm expecting 11-5 this year.
Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) - I have to say that I was disappointed in Chad Johnson's "celebration." Putting on a Hall of Fame jacket was a nice start, but he should have done more. He should have rolled out a podium, equipped with a microphone, and delivered a speech to the crowd.
New Orleans Saints (0-1) - Wait a second, didn't the Saints absolutely suck against Indianapolis? Of course they did. The thing is, the Colts would have done the same thing to the Bears, Eagles, Seahawks, Cowboys and the rest of the top teams in the NFC.
Tennessee Titans (1-0) - Some of you may say that I have the Titans way too high. I'd respond by counting all of Vince Young's victories. He just wins. Now that I know he has a running game, I can confidently say that he will lead Tennessee to the playoffs.
New York Jets (1-0) - Like the Saints, New York was simply demolished by a far superior opponent. I hope karma strikes the Jets fans who cheered Chad Pennington when he was hurt. I'd love to see 80,000 go nuts when one of these people loses their job.
Dallas Cowboys (1-0) - Yet another team that I think the media just doesn't understand. Sure, Dallas surrendered 35 to the Giants, but the team was missing its top cornerback. It's not a coincidence that Plaxico Burress was open all night. Furthermore, nose tackle Jason Ferguson's absence was the reason New York was able to run the football so effectively. If the Cowboys sign Tank Johnson, they'll be fine.
32. Atlanta Falcons (0-1) - Remember my Joey Harrington Theorem? The one where he starts OK, has one great game and then collapses? Scrap that. New Joey Harrington Theorem: First, Harrington sucks. Then, he sucks some more. Then, he throws a couple of pick-sixes. Then he keeps on sucking until the game is over. Think that's it? No! During the press conference, Harrington complains about everything and says that if a couple of things went his way, his team would have won, even though the score was like 38-3.
31. Cleveland Browns (0-1) - Oddities on who will start for the Browns in Week 2: 2:1 - Charlie Frye. 3:1 - Derek Anderson. 4:1 - Brevin Knight. 8:1 - Bernie Kosar. 11:1 - Tim Couch. 18:1 - Kelly Holcomb. 25:1 - Spurgeon Wynn. 4,303,854,015,991.4:1 - Brady Quinn.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) - Chiefs: You were just dominated by the Houston Texans. Time to go put yourselves out of your misery.
29. Miami Dolphins (0-1) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in Miami, asking why they thought the Dolphins signed Trent Green. Here are the results: 50% - What are you talking about? Trent Green is awesome! Stop harrassing me! 25% - Green was good like 15 years ago, so he should be able to get the job done. 15% - There are no long-term affects of concussions. 5% - He's 37, so he has about 50 years of productivity left in the tank. 4% - He's so mobile; if they put pressure on him, he'll just scramble downfield. 1% - "Golly gee, you know, Trent Green is just a terrific football player. Yeah, he really is just swell. Our entire team is just terrific, and Cam Cameron is doing such a great job even when he's watching porn instead of coaching preseason games." (That last one was general manager Randy Mueller.)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) - With all of those great receivers Jeff Garcia was throwing to against the Seahawks, it's no wonder the Buccaneers didn't trade up for Calvin Johnson.
27. Buffalo Bills (0-1) - Let's hope the doctors are wrong about Kevin Everett's injury and that he can one day walk again.
26. Oakland Raiders (0-1) - Last year, I ran a bit called Letters From Edgerrin, where I composed mock letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning, where the former Colts running back described his season to his former quarterback. This year, I'll be doing something similar for Dominic Rhodes. I'll have my first entry next week if I can think of something semi-creative.
25. St. Louis Rams (0-1) - The Rams are done without Orlando Pace, who, with apologies to Torry Holt, is the most important player on the offense. By the way, I don't think Steven Jackson can get away with not playing in the preseason. Jackson, who fumbled twice on Sunday, definitely can't do what LaDainian Tomlinson does.
24. New York Giants (0-1) - Eli Manning out for a few weeks. Jared Lorenzen in. Let's just hope he doesn't eat any of his teammates.
23. Arizona Cardinals (0-1) - Knute Rockne invented the forward pass. The Cardinals uninvented it on Monday night. (Note: I previously said John Heisman invented the forward pass. This was incorrect; Heisman invented the handoff. Sorry for the confusion.)