by Chris Flook
Blake Bortles likes to party.
Like a stereotypical jock quarterback you might see in a direct-to-video movie, Bortles is known to eschew game film study, especially when his busy social calendar beckons. So when I saw he helped apprehend a wannabe car thief (at a party, of course) the other day, I naturally wanted to find out more. It turns out that some degenerate rich kid neighbour of party host Brandon Linder had attempted to steal Bortles’ black Ford F-150. He only failed because the truck was too boxed-in by other vehicles.
The attempted burglar, 18-year-old Joseph Horton, then inexplicably wandered into the house, claiming to be looking for a woman nobody had heard of. The police were called and surveillance video was checked. Horton was arrested and charged with burglary, grand theft, and trespassing.
But the main reason Bortles’ truck nearly vanished was because he left it unlocked with his keys and wallet inside. Who the hell does that? Honestly! It’s unbelievable that even a cartoon character like Robby Blake Bortles could be so careless and irresponsible.
At least he’s consistent. We can now be certain that the man known for making boneheaded decisions on the field is a meathead off of it.
The third-overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft was a gigantic reach by the Jacksonville Jaguars. With Johnny Manziel, Teddy Bridgewater, Jimmy Garoppolo, and Derek Carr still on the board, the Jags decided to draft a prototypical 6’5”, 232-pound prospect with a premium pick when they likely could have gotten him in the second round. Since that time, Jacksonville has put together the most opportunistic, exciting defense in the entire league, to complement a great running back and other excellent young players. Their glaring weakness? You guessed it, the lack of a true franchise quarterback.
Much like the NHL’s New York Islanders and goaltender Rick DiPietro, JAX not only massively overvalued their guy at the draft, but doubled down on that decision with a contract extension, to the bewilderment of fans and pundits alike. Any good poker player will tell you that you shouldn’t throw good money after bad, just because “you’ve come this far.” It’s OK to admit a mistake, adjust and correct, and move on. Indeed, that is the key to a successful life.
Unless you’re Blake Bortles, of course. For now, he will coast on his ideal genetics and golden opportunities. But Socrates said beauty is fleeting and Virgil said time passes irrevocably. Both were smarter than me, and they were sure as hell smarter than Blake Freaking Bortles. We are a product of our choices and decisions, nothing more, and luck can only get you so far. And if that’s true, then time is running out for Blake Bortles, as it is for the unserious and ungrateful everywhere.
So go ahead Blake. Leave your wallet lying around. Leave your keys in your unlocked truck. Skip the study when you can tap the keg. The man known for pick-sixes has already won the lottery of life, but like so many others who take a charmed windfall for granted, I’m not convinced he’ll have much to show for it in the end.